Two weeks ago, I started bleeding right after I got up in the morning. My husband hadn't gone into work yet, so he went to the hospital with me. After getting hooked up to everything just in case, it was looking like I'd just be there overnight for observation. At about 3am Friday morning (October 9th) the bleeding picked up again. The baby's heartbeat was still good and strong, but with the bleeding, they were concerned about an abruption, so they decided on an emergency cesarean (I was almost exactly 28 weeks). Luckily, they had enough time to give me a spinal and epidural, so I was awake, and my husband was with me the whole time. The surgery itself went about as well as it could have--I'd already been warned that due to the location of my fibroid, I would need a classical incision, but otherwise there were no complications.
Some of you know that I had been on modified bed rest for quite a while due to low fluid, and we'd been warned that there was a risk that the baby's lungs might not develop due to the lack of fluid so early on. Because the delivery ended up being so early, we knew the baby would be taken to the nicu right away--we did, though, get to touch him (the first we knew it was a boy) before they took him. My husband stayed with me till they were done stitching me up, and soon after getting to the recovery room, where my mother was waiting (she had flown in the afternoon before), my husband went to the nicu to see our son. He seemed to be stable, but it was really too soon to tell yet. He went back down with my mother, and she came up a short time later and reported that they had my husband touching the baby while they were working on him, which really seemed to calm him a lot. The plan was that I would be taken down once I'd been stabilized, but the main neonatologist came to the room to say that she'd cleared it with the OBs to have me come down sooner. They had taken a chest x-ray, and our son's lungs had not developed sufficiently--not a maturation issue, which they could deal with, but something that no amount of extra time in the womb would have fixed. When I got to the room, they took the various wires off, and placed him on my chest. He seemed to recognize me--I don't know if it was my voice or my smell, and was reaching for my face. After some amount of time, they took the oxygen tube out, and left him on my chest, and my husband and I held him for a long time. It was about five hours after his birth that his heart stopped. They needed to take me back up to the recovery room to get me stabilized, but they let us keep our son with us as long as we wanted--by this time we'd decided to name him Joseph.
I was in the hospital for almost an entire week. I had been anemic going in, and so after the surgery, I was even more anemic, and required a blood transfusion a few days later. I've now been out of the hospital almost a week, and physically I'm feeling in some ways better than I've felt in months, but emotionally that doesn't help me at all--I almost prefer when I was weak and in pain, since that provided distraction.
There's not much else to say right now. I have family and friends who have been very supportive, and my husband and mother were with me the entire time I was in the hospital, and several days after--my husband only went back to work two days ago. Things are as good as they can be under the circumstances.
Thanks to everyone here for their support over the past several months.
Married 7/26/2008 -:- Remembering Joseph *10/9/2009* and two other losses since 9/08 -:- Expecting mid-September.
None of the ideas expressed above are actually mine. They are told to me by Luthor and Ferdinand, the five inch tall space aliens who live under my desk. In return for these ideas, I have given them permission to eat any dust bunnies they may find under there.
ETA: I just realized I popped into a due date club. Your post name caught my eye. Sending more good wishes for healing.
Mama to DS (3/05 ), wife to DH , remembering and Spirit 1/07, Hope 5/09, Harmony 6/10, Love 5/11, Joy 6/11
Mommy to Kai 2/03, Caden 1/08, Kara 10/09, 3/21/13, &
Cole 2/3/14 ♡ Happily unmarried to Papa since 2002 ♡
~We may not have it all together ♥ but together we have it all~
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Update: Baby girl born Nov 19th!
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son Joseph.
Memz, with my and mommy of born 01/17/10 and 3
It goes without saying that I can understand some of what you are feeling, since we also lost our daughter Josie just over a year ago (October 10th, 2008) and I know the place you're in at the moment: very surreal and strange as well as heartbreakingly sad.
Please know two things: one, that I am thinking of you so very hard and sending all the love in the world your way; and two, that this sad time will not be forever. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak - this hurt in your heart will not cripple you.
Joseph is a gorgeous name - Joseph will always be your son; you're a mama, and your husband is a daddy, and always will be. You will never forget anything about him - every sensation; every touch and look and feeling will be with you as a precious memory for the rest of your life. I worried about forgetting, but you never do. Did they have chance to take some pictures? If so, please don'e be shy about sharing them: you deserve to be proud of the awesome little life you created and I know we would all love to see his handsome little face.
*HUGE hugs* - please, PM or email me if you ever want to. Also, the PAL boards are just fantastically supportive for everyone - both later and earlier losses.
Again, I am so sorry mama - I really wish there could be no more of this, but there is, every day. All we can do is love and support one another. XXXXXXXX
Sweet Joseph will always be a member of your family and nothing can change that.
All three of you will be in my prayers
Bec, Married eternally to Dan for ten years. Parents to A (8/17/06) O (12/30/09) one love lost (2/07/09) and my little twin angels (9/24/11, 10/11/11)
Joseph will always be your son. His time with you was far too brief but your love for him is very real and very powerful. I pray for comfort and peace for you and your husband as you grieve the loss of your son.
Wife to K since 6/95 Mommy to "The Fellas" ages 13, 10 and 8 and our rainbow girly 12/09.
Always remembering my babies who could not stay '08 '08 '09