My very own complaining thread. Gah! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 22 Old 12-30-2009, 05:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Gawd.

Ugh. I have to vent. And I do so guiltily because I understand fully the mysteries and miracles of birth; how lucky I am to be pregnant and I KNOW what it feels like to lose a baby. Nevertheless I am still fed up!

I have made the most pathetically minimal cervical change - practically nothing, according to yesterday's OB appointment. We were hoping to induce like, this past Monday, if I'd had any cervical change. But no.

I'd be all about waiting to go naturally if it weren't for three things:

1) I did that last time and it was all wonderful but unfortunately I lost my child, so I really REALLY want some "control" this time (yup, I totally admit it - I am weak).

2) My hospital's policy is to NOT allow VBACs if they come in at night, so if I were to go naturally, and came in at night, I would face this enormous, pathetic battle.

3) My OB, who I love to death, is on vacation next week - in fact, he's on vacation until my due date. GAH! So that would leave me without my lovely VBAC advocate, and in the hands of some *potentially* really anti VBAC doc. Great.

Anyway yeah. I am slowly going insane - I have to admit it. Here is what is happening today:

He is consulting with a Dr friend in the cities about what can potentially be done with an unripe, VBAC cervix. This doc friend has a LOT of VBAC experience and could potentially suggest some interesting methods of getting things going that are safe for VBAC. One method would potentially be the Foley catheter.

Then he's calling me back.

But no phone call yet...it's 1.32pm and I am clock watching. I just called the hospital to see what was going on, and if he'd had chance to call (I am not usually this antsy, honest!) and was told that he'd been basically running about like a chicken with it's head cut off all morning, and had probably not had time to call the other doc yet.

So here I am, seriously, going rather mental. If it's not tomorrow, I'd better hope she stays IN until her due date or beyond! The nutty thing is, I am going through periods of timeable, pretty strong contrax - they caught them on my NST yesterday at between 2 and 3 minutes apart, regularly. This has been going on for a couple of days...what could it mean? I have no idea.

But if I go into labor next week, it is seriously going to suck. My doc is worried that they are going to attempt to try to get me to have a cesarean on the spot. Again. I DON'T WANT ONE! Of course, I'll say "no thank you" but at the very least, my birth plan will be out of the window and they are going to make it hard for me to give birth naturally, for sure.

On top of that, let's face it: I'm a mama pregnant after loss. I personally know two other people who've had two stillbirths in a row - one of them two FULL TERM still births in a row. 37 and 40 weeks. I lost my brother to stillbirth; my partner lost his first daughter to stillbirth at 25 weeks. I don't believe in the stats that say "it's sooooo unlikely ever to happen again" because I'm on the wrong end of 'em.

So several times in the day and night, there I am, willing my baby to move - just to show me she's alive and kicking. It's enough, by itself, to make one go quite mad.

So now I am feeling pretty nuts. Pretty stressed out here. In limbo. Not liking it at all. Want her out. Possibly need someone to knock me out with a heavy object and sedate me for the next week and a half, if she's not going to come out tomorrow...

Here I am then...clock watching...I can't seem to do anything with myself at all: certainly nothing productive. I could be doing SO MUCH around here - I could be making cookies or cleaning or something but I am just too stuck...


Arrrgh! Thanks for letting me vent...*sighs*

Mama to Josie , lost 10/10/08 at 37.4 weeks .
and my rainbow baby, Isobella Mai ...born 1/12/2010 ! in profile...
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#2 of 22 Old 12-30-2009, 05:50 PM
 
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no words of advice, but I am thinking of you. My wishes this goes the best way possible for you.

My babies were born at home! 09/07, 01/10, and 09/12 joy.gif

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#3 of 22 Old 12-30-2009, 06:15 PM
 
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Oh, hon I just wanna give you a big hug! I've never experienced a pregnancy loss or the loss of a child so all I can do is imagine what you're feeling which I know is nowhere near how you're actually feeling.

First off.. I really like your OB! He sounds like a great doctor who would like you to have a successful vbac! yay!

When I was pregnant with ds.. my dr. tried to induce me at 38 weeks but my cervix was very unfavourable. He could barely reach it at 37 weeks and it was firm and only open a very teensy amount.. not even pinky finger width open. He was hoping to stip my membranes but coulnd't so he irritated my cervix for me twice which opened up my cervix just enough so that it was favourable for an induction. Maybe that would work for you?

Sending you the very best cervix ripening vibes I've got!

Oh, and there's nothing weak about wanting some control over your labour and the birth! You've shown so much strength this whole pregnancy and I really admire that.. there is nothing weak about you at all!!

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#4 of 22 Old 12-30-2009, 06:44 PM
 
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Just a and a hope that your sweet little girl decides to come out soon!

Jill stillheart.gif Chris (7/96), mommy to 3 sweet redheads: jumpers.gif Matthew autismribbon.gif (12/02), Michelle (8/05) and Marissa (1/10). Nursing since 2002.
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#5 of 22 Old 12-30-2009, 06:47 PM
 
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#6 of 22 Old 12-30-2009, 06:50 PM
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Awww I understand about wanting control! Who wouldn't in your position?
I hope that you don't have to be knocked out to endure the next week and a half!

Also why no VBACs at night? not enough staff?

Deadra, Wife to Adam , Mama to Beatrix (02/08), Hudson (01/10), and Mazarine (12/13)
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#7 of 22 Old 12-30-2009, 07:01 PM
 
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I wish I could make it start. (I keep telling my children the same thing about this baby.)

Any misspellings or grammatical errors in the above statement are intentional;
they are placed there for the amusement of those who like to point them out.
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#8 of 22 Old 12-30-2009, 07:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamakims View Post
Oh, and there's nothing weak about wanting some control over your labour and the birth! You've shown so much strength this whole pregnancy and I really admire that.. there is nothing weak about you at all!!
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#9 of 22 Old 12-30-2009, 07:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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No VBAC's at night because they don't have a proper anesthesia team in the hospital then. So instead of calling the anesthesia team in to wait around for a "perhaps cesarean" they prefer to call them in and just DO a cesarean regardless.

Still haven't heard anything from my doc - am now on a food-making bender, am cooking pork chops and baked potatoes, making cookies and feeling a bit manic. Whenever my mother did this, labor was no more than 72 hours away. Maybe I'm feeling so anxious because my body is trying to tell me that Isobella is NOT going to wait until the 11th to come out...

I did also just check and I am now dilated a little more than yesterday for sure. Still very posterior. If only that darn hospital did VBAC's normally...I wouldn't have to worry a bit!

Mama to Josie , lost 10/10/08 at 37.4 weeks .
and my rainbow baby, Isobella Mai ...born 1/12/2010 ! in profile...
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#10 of 22 Old 12-30-2009, 07:33 PM
 
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to you JayJay!! You can make it through this because you are one very strong and determined mama.

A doula who married a cop & became a mama to 3 boys: G 12/22/00, my rainbow baby B 2/2/07 and L 2/10/10 my CBA2V baby, waiting for my little caboose late February 2013 & always remembering my two angels 2006 & 2012.

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#11 of 22 Old 12-30-2009, 07:47 PM
 
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Huge huge hugs to you! I cannot even imagine how you are feeling. Is there anyway your doctor could start the induction and then if it is going nowhere just stop? I'm not sure if it works like that but just a thought. That sounds so stressful. I think we all just want you to have your precious baby in your arms...like now!
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#12 of 22 Old 12-30-2009, 08:19 PM
 
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I don't know what's best to do Jay, but I just wanted to add my support. I am sorry these last few weeks are so difficult for you. Come on out Isobella, Mummy needs to see you now!!!!!

Mama to 13, and 10 and 4.
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#13 of 22 Old 12-30-2009, 08:23 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamakims View Post
Oh, and there's nothing weak about wanting some control over your labour and the birth! You've shown so much strength this whole pregnancy and I really admire that.. there is nothing weak about you at all!!
This exactly!

can your dr find you another dr who is VBAC friendly while he's on vacation? Someone who can advocate for you, even if it's in a different hospital? That's definitely an added stress you don't need!

Grace - wife to Jeff and mama to Nigella (11/08) and Orrin (01/10)- expecting a new addition (05/12)! Life is a whirlwind, but I'm learning to enjoy the ride!

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#14 of 22 Old 12-30-2009, 08:33 PM
 
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Mama, there is nothing wrong with wanting a little control over things. Weakness? I don't think so. There is a fine line between refusing everything conventional medicine has to offer or making an informed choice for the best outcome. Again, just my opinion.
I get induced next week for BP issues and Diabetes. Not what I wanted but reasonable as far as I am concerned.

As far as for the c-section looming should something happen at night- holding your little girl in your arms might push everything else in the back round.
Best luck to you.
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#15 of 22 Old 12-30-2009, 10:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Alright. It seems we are going to wait it out and see what happens...

So here's hoping, actually, that she stays put until the 11th or after! Waah! Crumbs. It does feel strange to "not be allowed" to birth in the next week. Ah well.

I hope there are some people left here in this DDC before I have Isobella!

Mama to Josie , lost 10/10/08 at 37.4 weeks .
and my rainbow baby, Isobella Mai ...born 1/12/2010 ! in profile...
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#16 of 22 Old 12-30-2009, 10:11 PM
 
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Thinking of you Jay

Angie wife to Joe and Mom to Lucas(10) and Alex (7), Elizabeth (4), Joey (2), and #5 due May 29
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#17 of 22 Old 12-30-2009, 11:20 PM
 
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You go ahead and vent, Sweetie!
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#18 of 22 Old 12-30-2009, 11:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you, gals. Gosh I'm in a funk tonight - just hormonal now. I'll be alright tomorrow but for now, I cannot think of a thing to do - what can one do when it's inconvenient to have a baby in the next 12 days? Haha - oooh the irony.

Tomorrow I will get creative again. Just got to keep it together for the next 12 days - then I can relax. I might as well stop thinking about what would happen if I went into labor before then because really, what's the point? We can't control any of this anyway. Ahhhh!

Mama to Josie , lost 10/10/08 at 37.4 weeks .
and my rainbow baby, Isobella Mai ...born 1/12/2010 ! in profile...
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#19 of 22 Old 12-30-2009, 11:42 PM
 
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Hey! Unless something crazy happens, I will definitely be in the DDC until after you. Im not due until the 29th....

Hugs to you so much!! You are a wonderful person and I cannot imagine what it was like going through a loss but hugs to you and that is the best I can give you

*luv luv luv Happywife *

Wife to DH (2 yrs)~ Momma to Boo (DS,3 yrs)~ and momma to be of DD (1/29/10) Love life and love crafting (beaded jewelry maker and doll maker)
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#20 of 22 Old 12-31-2009, 12:08 AM
 
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Hey JayJay
Just wanted to drop in and say, all the very very bestest (I know that's not a real word) to you in the next few days!!! And lots of hugs! I'll be thinking of you...

Blessings,
Agnieszka

Agnieszka wife to Kevin, Kalina (Jan 7, 2005), Tosia (June 4, 2006) , and baby Emmett (Dec 27, 2009)
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#21 of 22 Old 12-31-2009, 11:59 AM
 
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or I will be--long after babe is in your arms

Crunchy con wife with 1 DS and 1 lil DD born in Jan. I love breastfeeding, CDing and Friday night family bed.
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#22 of 22 Old 01-01-2010, 11:38 PM
 
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