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#1 of 14 Old 04-07-2010, 03:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I feel like I hate my older child. On a daily basis, I experience out-of-control anger directed triggered by her. For example, recently I wanted to take a nap. My husband refused to take the kids. I had just finished pottying the baby. I don't even remember exactly what I did, but newborn shit was on all of the walls, floor, etc... This is not like me. I regret having my new baby - it's just been too hard of an adjustment. I feel incredibly guilty about my less-than-gentle behavior towards my older child. I'm constantly yelling or threatening her. I feel overwhelmed by everything. I've made my husband stay home one day from work because I couldn't handle it. I don't know what to do. Is this PPD even though the worst of it is the rage and it's directed at my older child? Or something else? How do I get help?
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#2 of 14 Old 04-07-2010, 05:22 PM
 
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I'm sorry, Mama. Really, really sorry. I was suicidal with PPAD with my daughter. God, it was miserable. Those feelings were painful and I hated myself for them.

Have you told anybody about this in person? Would you be able to do that?

Once I started sharing with others what I was feeling it was like a fog lifted. I was able to own my emotions instead of being pissed at my newborn for causing them to happen...if that makes sense.

FWIW, my older kid just turned four and there are days I could easily feed her to the wolves. I know that sounds flip, but she's heard more yelling in the past two months than in the rest of her life altogether. Adding this new little man and the lack of sleep has really tried my patience.

Check out PSI for local resources - http://www.postpartum.net/Get-Help.aspx

Angela
Chatty Girl - 3/2006, Lovey Boy - 1/2010, Delicious Baby Girl - 1/2012
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#3 of 14 Old 04-07-2010, 06:34 PM
 
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You're not alone.


Rebekah - mom to Ben 03/05 and Emily 01/10, a peace educator, and a veg*n and wife to Jamie.
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#4 of 14 Old 04-07-2010, 06:57 PM
 
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you are not alone.

sometimes I feel like a snarly, snappy animal...

I have actually stepped outside once or twice just to get a gulp or two of fresh air before dealing with the children again...

no real advice, just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.

is there anyone in real life you can talk to? I think that we would all be surprised how common this reaction is.
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#5 of 14 Old 04-07-2010, 10:31 PM
 
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You are not alone!! I am ashamed at the way I have treated my oldest ds in many instances since the baby was born. I am REALLY trying to pull it together and repair our relationship. One thing that really helps me is to reach out and increase physical contact with my ds. I am so preoccupied with the baby, holding the baby, feeding the baby, rocking the baby... I need to remember to pull my older kids onto my lap and spend some time hugging and kissing and loving on them too.

mommy to ds 11/05, dd1 01/08, and dd2 01/10!
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#6 of 14 Old 04-08-2010, 09:43 AM
 
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Another "you are not alone" here. What really helped me start healing from the overwhelmingness of it all was telling someone IRL that understood. I'm still snappy though & I hate that. Honestly when I'm reading my Bible daily, praying consistently, etc., I do a ton better. God really is my strength.
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#7 of 14 Old 04-08-2010, 10:21 AM
 
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Whether or not it's PPD, it's strongly affecting your happiness and feelings about your kids, and that's not good.

First, is everything ok with you hormonally? I was feeling incredibly stressed and down until I was dx'ed with low progesterone, and now although I DEFINITELY have my moments with DD1, I'm handling things much better.

Second, can you get some help? Can you pay someone to take your oldest for a few hours, or find a mommy's day out program? Getting a break makes a HUGE difference for me.

Third, counseling is a good option. Even if you just go meet someone to talk or find a support group, I bet you would feel relief expressing this stuff and getting 3rd party perspective.

Keep talking here! We care!

Lauren (33), writer, recovering academic, WOHM to a highly sensitive child (Robin, Feb '08) and mellow little Holly (Jan '10). Newly diagnosed Bipolar I. rolleyes.gif
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#8 of 14 Old 04-12-2010, 09:42 AM
 
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i think i have ppd too. the more i read about it the more likely it seems.

Lauren (33), writer, recovering academic, WOHM to a highly sensitive child (Robin, Feb '08) and mellow little Holly (Jan '10). Newly diagnosed Bipolar I. rolleyes.gif
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#9 of 14 Old 04-12-2010, 09:47 AM
 
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I am pretty sure I am dealing with it again too for the last 2 weeks or so. The thing that sucks for me is that I am already being treated with meds because it is ongoing, just gets worse after having a baby and hormonal changes (I believe I have PMDD when not pg/nursing an infant too because man, hormonal changes make me nuts!). For me, calling my best friend, eating chocolate, going out for a walk with the dog, taking a nap (seriously, lack of sleep makes it a lot worse!), and getting some time to myself helps.

I am sorry you are dealing with this.

Jill stillheart.gif Chris (7/96), mommy to 3 sweet redheads: jumpers.gif Matthew autismribbon.gif (12/02), Michelle (8/05) and Marissa (1/10). Nursing since 2002.
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#10 of 14 Old 04-12-2010, 03:08 PM
 
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I've been wondering too. I had those exact thoughts, about regretting my new baby. It's terrible. I think sleep deprivation makes it a million times worse. I have found that getting out and getting some exercise helps tremendously. The weather is nice here, though not everywhere. Talking to somebody is a good idea. I hope you feel better soon.
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#11 of 14 Old 04-20-2010, 11:10 AM
 
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boigrrrlwonder--

how have you been doing??

A doula who married a cop & became a mama to 3 boys: G 12/22/00, my rainbow baby B 2/2/07 and L 2/10/10 my CBA2V baby, waiting for my little caboose late February 2013 & always remembering my two angels 2006 & 2012.

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#12 of 14 Old 04-24-2010, 04:39 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gray's Mommy View Post
boigrrrlwonder--

how have you been doing??
Thinking of you too, and hoping you are hanging in there okay...

Jill stillheart.gif Chris (7/96), mommy to 3 sweet redheads: jumpers.gif Matthew autismribbon.gif (12/02), Michelle (8/05) and Marissa (1/10). Nursing since 2002.
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#13 of 14 Old 04-24-2010, 07:53 PM
 
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sounds like you need a little help.

in addition to talking to someone in person about your feelings, perhaps you can talk with your DP and get some paid help a couple times a week with housework or childcare to give you a break.

just having a way to get away and take a walk or meditate or something would do wonders, i bet.

i am in the process of finding like-minded mamas to do coop childcare for one another when we need it. that could also work for you. do you have other mamas that you could call upon?

Mama to a 3 year old awesome kid, Rowan (aka Mister Boopy) and TTC another at 43!


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#14 of 14 Old 04-27-2010, 03:55 PM
 
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s

I am pretty sure that many days my oldest children think I hate them. I feel horrible about it, guilty for having another baby that takes precious time and attention away from the other kids, and mad at the kids for not understanding how much time and effort it takes to care for a baby. I have been known to lock the older ones in the backyard for short periods of time, just to regain my sanity; it's either that, or I feel like people may start getting hurt.

I don't know where you are, but if you can, it helps a lot to go for a walk or get some kind of physical activity for yourself. You have to make yourself a priority and schedule the time for you, even if it is one afternoon a week, work it out with your hubby or work around him if you have to. Your health and the health of your family depends on it.

Good luck, momma!

Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
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