Feeling guilty about feeling bad that I'm having a boy... - Mothering Forums

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Old 09-04-2009, 09:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I can't find any boys names I like at all. I need to buy all new baby clothes now. DH and I get to have a SUPER FUN TIME argument about circumcision. I wanted a little sister for my daughter. I don't have any experience raising a boy and it going well (my two brothers are, shall we say, menaces to society). And truth be told, I just...don't like little boys. That last one is probably worded too strongly (I don't necessarily dislike boy children), but I can't think of another way to say it. It's something about their energy. I don't know why I feel this way. I just don't know how I'm going to mother a boy. I don't know HOW TO mother a boy. I'm scared that he will turn out like my brothers, or like dh's brothers.

Now that I've gotten that off my chest...I'm happy. I'm going to have another baby. Everything is going well. I'll get over it eventually. I'll get through the new challenges. I'll learn. I'll love him.

I just wanted another girl. :cry I feel so guilty that THIS is what I felt when I found out my child's gender. It's not fair to him. It's downright MEAN of me. I also feel guilty that it's such a big deal to me that I even can't picture mothering a BABY boy the same way I would a baby girl...up until today I just assumed it'd be the same...and it will but it just feels different already. I can't stand the rowdiness and physical play that boys do, I'm dreading it already and it's still years away...I haven't cried this hard in a long, long time.

Now I'm just blathering on like an idiot. I feel like a jerk.

Wife to dh and mommy to dd1 (3/07), ds (1/10), and dd2 (any day now)!

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Old 09-04-2009, 10:06 PM
 
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Oh mama! First, you can't help how you feel so let the guilt slide aside and just feel, get it out and then be ready to move on. Next, as the mama of 2 little boys, I wonder the same things for if I have a girl! Like, I won't know what to do, I don't care for pink and princess, what if she gets pregnant as a teenager! Silly stuff. Reality is that once that baby comes, you will look at him and instantly fall in love. It will balance out the family and it will change your view of the stereotypical little boy - teaching you life lessons that couldn't be possibly learned any other way. Before having my little boys, I jst always knew I'd have girls. I grew up in a family of girls and couldn't imagine anything else - now I can't imagine anything but boys! Whatever I get will bring me amazing lessons in life. So exciting!

: mama to 3 sweet boys, 10/21/03, 2/23/07 and 1/20/10
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Old 09-04-2009, 10:27 PM
 
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It's okay to feel that way, no need to feel guilty. It will all change when the baby is born.

I remember with my first, even though I had always wanted a boy first for some reason, I was still a little sad when we found out it wasn't a girl. I would have been sad either way! No matter what the sex, when you find out it's going to be one or the other, you lose half the possibility, in a way.

I do feel a little nervous about having a girl... Girls are weird to me. I've never gotten along very well with other females. *shrug* But we'll figure it out either way, and so will you. And at least, if you don't like your brothers' example, you'll have a lesson already in what not to do.

And about the circumcision issue, hopefully your DH will come around more easily than you think. Many husbands do, once you show them all the research that's out there. There's good hard data, which seems to help, and if you make it about the numbers, rather than about your husband and his parents, maybe it will be less personal and more logical for him. Here's a discussion from a few years ago on the circumcision board, it had some good starting points for me when I was talking to my husband about things.
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=702611
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Old 09-05-2009, 12:21 AM
 
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Hi,

I'm sorry you are going through this. It is very normal, common, and ok to feel disappointed about the baby's gender. Lots of women have feelings like this (whether it's one gender or the other) In fact, reading your post reminds me of me when I found out my 2nd was a boy. (My first was a girl). But after he was here, I was so incredibly thrilled to have him.

Like the pp said, let yourself feel however you feel without guilt. Let yourself cry and feel sad if you need to. Eventually, you'll feel lots better
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Old 09-05-2009, 12:52 AM
 
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Big hugs! I can't help on the circ issue, as we do here, but for the other - I was a bit nervous about having a boy after having two girls - my brother is 9 years younger so I didn't grow up with boys too much, DS has a half brother who is 14 years younger...but let me tell you, he is such a doll! More of a lovebug than his sisters ever where, and definitely a mama's boy. It will all work out!

Nicole, Mommy to Jasmine (7/05) , Athena (2/07) , Shane (3/08) , Caleb (1/10), and 2 angels (4/06 & 4/09)
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Old 09-05-2009, 12:57 AM
 
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If I'm having a boy, I'll join you for a little while. I am not looking forward to the circ debate with DH, and just praying we can have another girl and avoid it altogether. No way I'm paying someone to do that to my child!!!!!!

But IME no matter what, you'll love this baby. Sometimes it takes having them there to bond. I wasn't looking forward to having my last baby AT ALL. But I'd never in a million years give her back.

It's okay to rant, better to get the feelings out there and deal with them than hold them in. Boys can be fun too, and just think of all the things you'll likely not have to worry about with a boy: skirts too short, anorexia, wanting to wear high heels before they're 7, wanting stupid Barbie movies, idolizing idiotic princesses like Ariel who throws away a loving family for a guy she's never even spoken to, when and where she'll get her first period...see a boy is going to be a piece of cake

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Old 09-05-2009, 04:25 AM
 
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I don't know what I having yet, but I can relate in that there's a part of me that is very nervous about having a boy. I'm not really a girly girl, but I was never really a tomboy, either. I had one sister growing up and while I played with boys well as a really young child, I didn't have a lot of "guy friends" once I was out of elementary school. I have just always related better to women. It's hard for me to imagine a boy child of mine, imagine with he is going to be like and how he would be different from my daughter. I even had a friend (not a friend anymore) tell me that she hoped I never had a boy because I wouldn't be able to relate to one. She said, "The only men you get along with are your dad and your husband." It felt like an insult at the time, but hey, I think I have a better relationship with both of those two than a lot of people have, so that's not too shabby. And actually I think having a great relationship with my two closest male relatives is a good foundation for being a good parent to a boy.

I think for me it's just the fear of the unknown. In my last pregnancy I wasn't worried about the sex, but I was worried because I had not held a baby, fed a baby, put one to sleep, etc. I worried that there was some mystery to it I just wouldn't be able to grasp. However, once she was here I found it (mostly) very instinctive, and the parts I didn't figure out right away, I enjoyed the journey. I found that I really like being a mother. I think it would be the same way if I had a boy. Initial fear, unable to imagine what it will be like (in my mind any baby of mine=Nora, anyway), but I think I will love having a boy once he's actually here. That is, if it's a boy.

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Old 09-05-2009, 08:27 AM
 
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hugs to you. It is so normal to feel this way and good for you for just being honest right now about it. I am having my first and won't actually know till birth but I also really want a girl. And I even felt bad saying that for the reasons you mentioned. But in the end, I think you will just adapt- and maybe learn how to raise a kind gentle loving boy who turns into a respectful loving man. Sorry, though, I know it is rough and I really relate to what you expressed.
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Old 09-05-2009, 10:46 AM
 
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Don't feel guilty.

And for what it's worth, I don't think "boy energy" is the same family to family. I have similar concerns (I have one DD and don't yet know what I'm having this time, but I definitely have some anxiety over the possibility of a boy), and I keep reminding myself that *my* boy will not be like someone else's boy. There are certain so-called male behaviors that some other families think are cute and appropriate, and we totally don't value them here--not for my DH, and not for any future child of ours of any gender.
to you as you absorb the information.

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Old 09-05-2009, 11:36 AM
 
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Nothing but sympathy and support here too. Dh and I were so disappointed when we first learned Ds was a boy. We had both desired a girl, I think Dh is well suited to fathering a girl. Still, I did *know* that Ds was a boy even before the u/s. I just knew deep down. I felt it. So I wasn't surprised, but I still mourned the loss of our hopes. It really meant the death of so many dreams and I think it is important to acknowledge those and grieve for them. The dream of having sisters to raise isn't going to be there for you (maybe if you have another?). It was a beautiful dream and I can understand your sadness.

That said, I am so glad that Ds was sent to us. In a way, he is very feminine and I think he would have struggled in a family where there are strong gender sterotypes. He does not have the usual, stereotypical boy energy, as you might think of it. He is calm, serious, verbal and loves to snuggle and be held more than anything. Touch is very important to him and he is very finely tuned to people's emotions. He still likes trucks and sports but right now he loves to pretend that I am his friend the fairy. So more than just saying, "you'll love the baby when it comes," I am trying to say, "try not to have expectations about what this baby's energy will be like." Or, perhaps, I hope you are pleasantly surprised.

And, don't assume that you'll need all new clothes. Ds went through a long phase (a year+) where he just LOVED pink clothes. He had a lot of pink pajamas and some pink shirts (his favorite had ballet shoes). He would just smile so happily in his pink clothes. He has become aware, recently, that pink is a girl color and I am sad for him because he found such joy in pink.

Now this time, I want another boy and I fear it. I don't want Ds and new baby to be compared to Dh and his brother. But, more than that, this time my bigger fear has been that our new child will have a very different dynamic and energy than Ds. We all work well as a family right now and, though I can see benefits to having a sibling who is very different, I also will mourn the loss of our very harmonious family vibe.
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Old 09-05-2009, 04:24 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Fujiko View Post
I can't find any boys names I like at all. I need to buy all new baby clothes now. DH and I get to have a SUPER FUN TIME argument about circumcision. I wanted a little sister for my daughter. I don't have any experience raising a boy and it going well (my two brothers are, shall we say, menaces to society). And truth be told, I just...don't like little boys. That last one is probably worded too strongly (I don't necessarily dislike boy children), but I can't think of another way to say it. It's something about their energy. I don't know why I feel this way. I just don't know how I'm going to mother a boy. I don't know HOW TO mother a boy. I'm scared that he will turn out like my brothers, or like dh's brothers.
Just my opinion, but I think it is usually experience in places like public school that turn boys into menaces (assuming their parents are loving and reasonable).

I bet you will have a very different experience with your boy if you are conscious about parenting him (and putting him in school, etc).

That said, I have one boy, and am honestly hoping for a girl this time. Boys wear you out, or at least mine does. He is just super demanding, high energy, etc, which I know is not necessarily gender related, but I think is more often associated with boys (most girl children I know are much more mellow, but then so are most boys LOL). I'm just hoping that if we have a girl she'll be slightly easier to parent!

So, when I find out the gender in a couple of weeks I might be right here with you!

Chai, DS (3/05) and DS (2/10)
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Old 09-05-2009, 08:58 PM
 
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I had a dd first and really wanted a little sister for her. My second was a ds, and I was upset when I found out I was having a boy. I couldn't get past the thought of growing a penis in my belly!

Fast forward 2 years later, I'm pg with my third and hoping for another boy. My ds is the sweetest little man in the whole world. I adore him. He is so much easier to get along with than my dd. And sometimes he just reminds me of a mini version of my dh.

And as the pp's said you don't have to buy all new clothes and toys. My son wears all of my dd's old pj's still. And he enjoys playing with Barbies and Babies. We've been dressing him up like a princess or a fairy since he was like 6 months old.

You never know, he could restore your faith in the whole male species. Mine has!
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Old 09-05-2009, 09:01 PM
 
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Fast forward 2 years later, I'm pg with my third and hoping for another boy. My ds is the sweetest little man in the whole world. I adore him. He is so much easier to get along with than my dd. And sometimes he just reminds me of a mini version of my dh.
I always hear the second is easier than the first, so maybe it has nothing to do with gender!

Chai, DS (3/05) and DS (2/10)
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Old 09-05-2009, 11:39 PM
 
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I always hear the second is easier than the first, so maybe it has nothing to do with gender!
You mean the second child? Our second child has been by far the most difficult (and both first and second were girls)...

Nicole, Mommy to Jasmine (7/05) , Athena (2/07) , Shane (3/08) , Caleb (1/10), and 2 angels (4/06 & 4/09)
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Old 09-05-2009, 11:41 PM
 
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You mean the second child? Our second child has been by far the most difficult (and both first and second were girls)...
Then perhaps it has nothing to do with anything! LOL :

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Old 09-05-2009, 11:43 PM
 
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Then perhaps it has nothing to do with anything! LOL :
I have long since given up trying to figure it out. I used to think it had to do with how they were raised...but seeing as we haven't changed our parenting style and #1 and #3 are angels and #2 is a little hellion...well, I give up. Though the gals at church say that every family needs at least one difficult child to keep you from getting a big head about your parenting skills...

Nicole, Mommy to Jasmine (7/05) , Athena (2/07) , Shane (3/08) , Caleb (1/10), and 2 angels (4/06 & 4/09)
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Old 09-05-2009, 11:47 PM
 
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For me raising a girl then a boy it was the same basically. My dd was a bit harder than ds in sleep issues. But personality wise they are very similar.

 
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Old 09-06-2009, 12:06 AM
 
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Though the gals at church say that every family needs at least one difficult child to keep you from getting a big head about your parenting skills...
LOL maybe that's why I had the difficult one first (crossing fingers). I'm sure I'd have a big head if it had been easy!

Chai, DS (3/05) and DS (2/10)
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Old 09-06-2009, 05:10 AM
 
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I can totally relate to this. I have one DD, and I grew up with one sister, and really want that for DD. I've never admitted it IRL, even to DH, but I do think i will find it difficult in 3 weeks time when we have our gender scan if we find out it's a boy. And I feel guilty saying it now never mind when i'm actually feeling it so i really do understand.

And actually, I have a feeling this is a boy, so I"ve been trying to prepare myself for that news.

But, like other PPs, I'm also sure that when 'he' arrives i'll love him unconditionally and will never be able to imagine my life without him.

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Old 09-06-2009, 05:31 AM
 
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Totally crashing your DDC but I saw your post on new posts. Just wanted to say that as a mom to a totally gentle, sweet, compassionate, and bright little boy, I can tell you now that just because you're having a boy doesn't mean 10 years of noise and messes. I've never treated him any differently than I treated my 4 little sisters though, so that could be part personality and part nurture.

Carly [29] + DH [27] + DS [9]

TTC my second and his first!

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Old 09-06-2009, 05:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all for your kind words and understanding. I'm feeling a lot better now, warming up to the idea of having a son. In fact, it puts a smile on my face. I'm looking at this as a chance to redeem my faith in little boys (that's a reference to my brothers that I mentioned in my OP, not in boys not in my family, so nobody be offended!). He's not the same as my bros, and my family that I've created will not be like my family of origin. I am looking forward to mothering this one just the same as I did my daughter. I bought a new moby wrap today and tried it on and yearned for it to be February so he could be in there!

You know, the funny thing is that I'm a huge tomboy, and I feel much more comfortable around men than I do around other women. My dd isn't girly either, probably because we don't encourage super girly things--she does love animals and nature. So it won't be that much different. It just took me awhile to realize that.

Wife to dh and mommy to dd1 (3/07), ds (1/10), and dd2 (any day now)!

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