yeah, I just had my ultrasound yesterday and I'm feeling mighty disappointed with the results, which is kind of dumb, since I have one boy and one girl and really, at this point, it SHOULDN'T matter. But I like what you said about the image we have of our family and how if things don't conform to the image it gets all wonky.
Likewise, I feel guilty about having had the u/s in the first place. I KNOW it bothered the baby, it wasn't necessary. It was just so I could see gender. I had to nod my head to the medical establishment about a lot of things ("yeah, sure, I'll get that test right away...") knowing I would NEVER do those things just to get it done. I hated HATED HATED having to "play the game" just to see my baby's gender. I almost think, now, that I might have been better off just finding out at the very end. But on the other hand, I think that I would have bonded to the idea of having one gender over the other and then not having that would have thrown me for a loop. But maybe without any choice but to deal with it, I would have dealt with it better?
At any rate, I'm still kind of hoping/thinking it might be a mistake, though we got a very clear shot and this doctor was right before with our other child. I'm just thinking maybe it was shadows and light that made things look one way or the other and that the baby will come out as the other gender. I don't really have a good reason to suspect that. And obviously I need to deal with my fears about having a child of this gender right now, well before the birth.
yk, with dd, I REALLY wanted a son. And I got one! But then, after I knew, I started freaking out, too. Like, I already have the most perfect child in the whole world and she is everything I ever wanted and hoped for, how could this child even be any good at all compared to her. And once he was born, I bonded instantly and obviously I think BOTH my kids now are everything I ever wanted and the best of all possible things and there is no way I could have another child (except now I'm thinking of it as gender...as in, another son/daughter) that I will love as much or be as happy with as my current child of that gender.
I think I just need to process this more before I'm willing to say what we are having, but probably part of the healing process will be sharing the happy news with others, cause it really IS happy. And trying to let go of my own fears/perceptions about how this baby will be based on gender.