feeling guilty-disapointment at gender results - Mothering Forums
February 2010 > feeling guilty-disapointment at gender results
sunfish21's Avatar sunfish21 01:32 AM 10-02-2009
So, went in for a 19 week u/s and found out it is a boy. I am sad and feel so guilty about that. I am not entirely sure why I wanted another girl (DD is 18 mos). I always assumed that once I had a child of one sex I would want the other. I know that a healthy baby is the most important thing and so far, things look great! I have no doubt that I will love this baby. I just feel terrible for wishing it was a girl.

Anyone going/went through this? What made it better?

grumpybear's Avatar grumpybear 01:38 AM 10-02-2009
In a different DDC (I just had my baby) but like you, I felt some kind of unexplained disappointment after my 20th wk ultrasound when we found out that we were having a girl. We already have a 3y.o. boy so I guess that's where I was comfortable at - raising a boy. On further reflection, I think I would've been disappointed if I'd been told I was having a boy too. Sort of like mourning for the one that you don't/can't have. So now on hindsight, I would've probably just not find out the sex until I give birth- like we did with our first. No disappointments there, just a pleasant surprise.

BTW, I got over the disappointment pretty quickly. I'm sure you will too.
chai's Avatar chai 02:23 AM 10-02-2009
Originally Posted by sunfish21 View Post
So, went in for a 19 week u/s and found out it is a boy. I am sad and feel so guilty about that.
I was really hoping for a girl, too. (Already have a 4 y.o. boy.)

I think it is natural to have an image of what your family will/should be like... life is about making up stories. We do it all the time, with everything. So it is natural to be disappointed if reality differs from your story.

I say just go with your feelings... allow yourself to experience them. They are important for some reason. They are an opportunity to learn about yourself. No reason to feel guilt!

Mourning the loss of one idea doesn't mean you can't embrace something else... it may just take time.

By the way, I was still calling my baby "it" until yesterday (two weeks after my u/s). I said, "Oh, we know it's a boy, we can call it 'him.'" Today as he's been squirming around I've been saying, "Wow, you sure are a squirmy boy today!" I'm just now starting to identify with his gender. I'm actually quite glad I found out, BTW, so I have plenty of time to accept reality before the birth!

Today I'm imagining holding my newborn and loving him fully... despite my earlier story!
jul511riv's Avatar jul511riv 08:50 AM 10-02-2009
yeah, I just had my ultrasound yesterday and I'm feeling mighty disappointed with the results, which is kind of dumb, since I have one boy and one girl and really, at this point, it SHOULDN'T matter. But I like what you said about the image we have of our family and how if things don't conform to the image it gets all wonky.

Likewise, I feel guilty about having had the u/s in the first place. I KNOW it bothered the baby, it wasn't necessary. It was just so I could see gender. I had to nod my head to the medical establishment about a lot of things ("yeah, sure, I'll get that test right away...") knowing I would NEVER do those things just to get it done. I hated HATED HATED having to "play the game" just to see my baby's gender. I almost think, now, that I might have been better off just finding out at the very end. But on the other hand, I think that I would have bonded to the idea of having one gender over the other and then not having that would have thrown me for a loop. But maybe without any choice but to deal with it, I would have dealt with it better?

At any rate, I'm still kind of hoping/thinking it might be a mistake, though we got a very clear shot and this doctor was right before with our other child. I'm just thinking maybe it was shadows and light that made things look one way or the other and that the baby will come out as the other gender. I don't really have a good reason to suspect that. And obviously I need to deal with my fears about having a child of this gender right now, well before the birth.

yk, with dd, I REALLY wanted a son. And I got one! But then, after I knew, I started freaking out, too. Like, I already have the most perfect child in the whole world and she is everything I ever wanted and hoped for, how could this child even be any good at all compared to her. And once he was born, I bonded instantly and obviously I think BOTH my kids now are everything I ever wanted and the best of all possible things and there is no way I could have another child (except now I'm thinking of it as gender...as in, another son/daughter) that I will love as much or be as happy with as my current child of that gender.

I think I just need to process this more before I'm willing to say what we are having, but probably part of the healing process will be sharing the happy news with others, cause it really IS happy. And trying to let go of my own fears/perceptions about how this baby will be based on gender.
aramat's Avatar aramat 10:55 AM 10-02-2009
I think moms have a lot of thoughts and feelings that their children will never know about, don't need to know about, don't want to know about. You feel how you feel now, and that's okay! You'll process, maybe grieve, and eventually you'll get to the place you want/need to be. Women, and I think especially moms, allow themselves to be so heavy with guilt...but we're not perfect; we're human!
chai's Avatar chai 11:17 AM 10-02-2009
Originally Posted by jul511riv View Post
And trying to let go of my own fears/perceptions about how this baby will be based on gender.
Oooh, this is so good.

One reason I wanted a girl was that DS was/is SO challenging/high needs, and I imagined a girl would be quieter, more easy going, gentler... but that is a total gender stereotype, and really holds no weight whatsoever!

I have decided that the boy in my belly is a whole different person from his brother, and may be nothing like him! Two separate people LOL

AND, I love my DS tremendously and wouldn't change him anyway. (I was just hoping for a little easier time, is all.)
aramat's Avatar aramat 11:30 AM 10-02-2009
Originally Posted by chai View Post
I have decided that the boy in my belly is a whole different person from his brother, and may be nothing like him! Two separate people LOL
Oh, dude. I have two girls, but they are night and day from each other. My first is super-high-need/clingy/shy/anxious; my second is brave/out-going/independent/cuddly. I can attribute some of their differences to my knowing a little more about parenting the second time around, but gender definitely doesn't come into play here!
punquin's Avatar punquin 12:45 PM 10-02-2009
I feel a little disappointed, but I realize it is just because we are having one gender and not the other. It took us 4 years to get to this point and DH doesn't want us to have kids much older, so this little boy most likely will be our only child. I think I'd be sad even if I was having a girl, though be both admitted to wanting a girl a little more.

We are focusing on all the wonderful things that come with having a little boy. It's really helping.
MommaSomeday's Avatar MommaSomeday 01:16 PM 10-02-2009
I had this big time with my first child. I wanted a little girl SO BAD. I felt boy vibes the whole time but knew I must be wrong because it had to be a girl. I actually cried when I found out he was a boy. It took me a little bit, but I slowly got really excited about frogs and mud and trucks (which, of course I loved as a kid, so gender means nothing there, but still). It's so normal to feel disappointment for any number of reasons - not the least of which has to do with the mega amount of hormones coursing through your body.

This time around, i really wanted a boy because I want to experience all those things I got so geared up for in my last pregnancy. I, of course, just want a happy, healthy little baby, no matter it's sex. But I think I would have felt the tiniest bit of disappointment if it was a girl.

We all understand - try not to feel bad about it. *hugs*
sunfish21's Avatar sunfish21 04:51 PM 10-02-2009
Thanks, mamas.
You make me feel better. I know many others have gone through this--just caught me really off guard.
Might have something to do with my late-blooming, feminist-finding, Women's Studies major in my thirties. Maybe I was looking forward to raising several strong girls...but sons need good mothering too!
chai's Avatar chai 06:12 PM 10-02-2009
Originally Posted by sunfish21 View Post
Maybe I was looking forward to raising several strong girls...but sons need good mothering too!
Me too! But I also think it's important to raise compassionate, emotionally intelligent boys who will become compassionate men and fathers!
busymama77's Avatar busymama77 06:39 PM 10-02-2009
I've thought about this, too.... how am I going to react to whatever the doc tells us on Monday? We have an U/S appt set for 8:30am and we plan on bringing DS, who is 3.5 years old, so that we he can be apart of this experience.
I had always imagined that we would be have two boys. Plain and simple. No real reasoning behind it, just something that I always felt. But there are so many people in our family that are practically praying for a girl, I feel like if we do find out it's a boy, they'll be disappointed and it's something that I can't get off of my mind. We'll be happy and excited either way. He's convinced it's a boy, I think it's going to be a girl to break the mold, since this will be our last one, and both sides of our families are male dominant....

I think we do get some sort of feeling/image in our heads and when it doesn't turn out like we 'planned', it can be a slight bummer. It's completely natural and normal!!
fromtheheart's Avatar fromtheheart 06:49 PM 10-02-2009
Hi! I only have one -boy- but I was disappointed when I found out his sex. Of course I felt very guilty about that.

But now, that's an ancient memory! It will go away when you meet and get to know him for who he is.

Now, I couldn't imagine my child being anything other than him!

You'll get there too.
Right of Passage's Avatar Right of Passage 07:16 PM 10-02-2009
DDC crashing but big s mama! I've been there. With DS2 I was SURE I was having a girl and when we saw otherwise (ultrasound) I was devastated. I was disgusted with myself for being upset about my baby's sex. It was an emotionally hard pregnancy and I sturggled to bond with him. I loved him very much but I wasn't over the moon happy. It took me a little while to fall in love the way I did with DS1. Now I'm expecting LO#3 and I'm mentally preparing to find out that he is a boy.

For me what it boils down to, my disappointment, isn't in or about THIS baby, it's about the loss of the mother/daughter bond. These feelings are valid, but I will continue to move forward. The baby I'm growing I already love and adore, his/her sex has nothing to do with that love. So I will allow myself a chance to mourn what I feel I've lost, and then I will celebrate what I do have, celebrate the wonders of having another son, and let that joy be contagious.

Like you said you already know you're going to love this baby, and one day you'll look at him and think "I wouldn't want it any other way," and you'll be happier than you can imagine right now.
lulu_n2's Avatar lulu_n2 07:32 PM 10-02-2009
Hey there... Just one more person attesting to gender guilt. I REALLY want a girl, to balance my DH and DS, very boyish boys (think greasy mechanics making fart jokes That's why I'm getting a gender ultrasound this time, on Tuesday. I saw these guilty feelings coming, and want to get it over with before the baby is born. I keep telling baby the most important thing is that it is growing healthy and strong, and not what gender it is. If it can feel my guilt, hopefully it can get the other message, too.
*Aimee*'s Avatar *Aimee* 08:15 PM 10-02-2009
Dont feel bad! it will all melt away when you see that baby. I promise!

I really wanted a boy this time to the point I was having panic attacks. I just didn't know how I'd raise a girl. I am having another boy but I would be in the same place as you had the news been different. But I know none of that matters because you will LOVE that baby so much!!
mamasgirls's Avatar mamasgirls 01:25 AM 10-03-2009
I sort of know the feeling. We have 2 girls and just found out we are having a boy. I am absolutely thrilled at the thought of having a boy! We tried for years to get pregnant and I am honestly SO grateful for another baby. But there is a part of me that would have loved to have 3 little girls, and I will miss buying baby girl clothes, pink diapers, etc. But at the same time I couldn't be happier about having a boy!