Okay, I'm totally going to speak my mind here, but I have very toxic in laws as well as parents. Thankfully, when we are in one country, we are an entire country away from one set of family. This solves a lot of problems.
Have you read the book Toxic In-Laws? I read it AFTER I finally set boundaries with my in-laws but wish I had read it before. It bascially advised me to do the same thing I already did a few months before. Good to know I was on the right track, though.
The great thing about this book is it gives you advice about what to do if your dh caves or just isn't on your team. It gives you a list of rights that you have and a list of rights that they have and basically tells you that if your dh (or dp) isn't on board, then you STILL have those rights and it is YOUR JOB to handle the family. Obviously it is BEST if it comes from your dh...but if he cant or wont do it or is planning on putting it off, then you will need to take matters into your own hands.
I let my in-laws ABUSE me for 4 years. (when I say abuse, I mean, my bil physically assulted me, my sil literally chased me around a grocery store as I was miscarrying, screaming and yelling at me that I have a bad attitude when miscarrying, basically, and in front of my children as well, and blocking me from leaving the store for 7 minutes, etc...) One of the great abuses was that, after my homebirth with ds, my dh called to tell them the happy news. They said that they were coming (they lived 2.5 hours away at that time) immediately. I told dh "no" and dh started begging and pleading saying that they were the grandparents and they had rights. I told him "no" again and explained that I had been up all night laboring and birthed ds at sunrise and I was very tired and needed to rest. DH called his parents and kind of beat around the bush in telling them and they were even more insistant "we'll come and play with dd (our older child) and take you and her to the park so that jul511riv can rest with the baby...we'll bring you dinner...we'll take you to the grocery store (we didn't have a car and there was no food in the house)..." so dh told me all that and I said "okay."
Well, we waited for them. 3 hours passed. 4 hours. 5 hours later we called them, they said they had been stuck in traffic, but were on the way...only 15 more minutes. Another 45 min passed. We called them, they started bi*ching about traffic again (notice they hadn't called the entire time to tell us they would be late) and said they were about 10 min away...this went on for 7 hours! When they showed up, finally, dd was ready to go to bed. I was STARVING and exhausted. And they showed up with my bil (totally without asking us first if it was okay) and then telling us that they didn't have time to stop and pick up dinner and asked if we would order some pizzas for all of us. We did and then they told us that they didn't have any cash or credit cards on them and they couldn't pay for it. Then after they ate the pizzas, which they liked so much, they asked bil to order them 3 more to take home. They stayed at our house until the new pizzas arrived and then bil paid for them and then they said they would never make the drive to our house again (the baby's brit was the following week...AT OUR HOME... and fil was performing a major role in the ceremony) and began to leave. My dh, Thank G-d, at least told them that they needed to wash dishes before they left. Which they did begrudgingly. He also told mil to fold the laundry, which she did some, but not all, of. Then they said they would never come back, again, and left.
The next week before the brit, they demanded that we put our newborn and our not even 2 year old dd on several busses so that we could come to THEIR city to have the brit ceremony. They also demanded that we rent a hall and actually reserved it for us, calling us for a credit card number so that we could pay for it. DH didn't really know what to do and started trying to discuss it with me because he didn't want to make waves with them, and that whole week became a nightmare, particularly because ds had jaundice and so I was sitting in front of a window with them the whole time and nursing trying to avoid a trip to the hospital.
Ug, it was a total nightmare. I won't even go into us calling bil to ask if we could use his car to drive to the doctor's through all of this with our less than a week old baby...he lived 20 min away...and he said "no" because he had a date the night before and wanted to stay out late and sleep in the next day. BTW, he was about 28 years old at the time, so not a little child, by any means.
Anyways, my point is this, you need to be extremely firm and set your boundaries NOW. Make sure that EVERYONE is on the same page. If your dh is wishy washy about it, then YOU handle it and don't be embarassed either. Don't do it over the phone either. Go in person, if you are able. And if not, do it on the phone and then follow up in writing with an email or letter making it clear that you need some alone time with the baby and what and what is not acceptable to you and letting them know when they will be welcomed to come to the house.
If someone comes over and wants to hold the baby and you are not comfortable with that, you can say "it's germy season and we don't want to disturb the baby right now...or overstimulate...or whatever...and so we will be the only ones holding the baby for now." or even better, just say "no. not today." and then smile and change the subject. You might even want to add a "thanks for asking." before you change the subject. It's YOUR baby and the truth is, yuou don't need to explain ANYTHING to ANYONE about your decisions. They are YOURS to make.
What I did was put ds in a sling the entire time and people have a much harder time thinking they can hold a baby that is tucked in a sling up against his mother's chest...that would mean disturbing the baby. And if the baby is crying, most people don't want to hold him/her at that moment either. You can do things like this with your body language and by setting up a visual that the baby is "strapped" to you and that letting go is not anywhere near part of the plan or even an option.
If you are birthing at a hospital and do not want visitors, then you can tell each person you call "Mommy and baby are resting and do not want visitors. We will let you know when we are ready or please call before you are thinking of coming, lest you be turned away at the door." or whatever works for you. YOu can also say that the hospital has requested a no visitors policy due to swine flu (or some other illness, it does'nt matter...chickenpox outbreak, etc...)if being direct is an issue for you. You could say that we will text message/email everyone when we are accepting visitors but we ask that all visitors stay no longer than 15 minutes and if you would like to visit longer, please come to the baby welcoming ceremony, which will be held on _________ or "about a month from now," etc...
Just be clear, concise (unlike this post, lol) and very very firm.