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They'll NEVER understand!!!

772 views 15 replies 12 participants last post by  angiejo 
#1 ·
My SIL is all irritated with me for spending $300 on a carseat because she knows that money is tight for us...and I just can't make her understand.

Money is tight for them too, and they are 8 weeks behind me in pregnancy...
But they've bought new crib bedding, swing, bouncy seat, clothes.......and they've been stocking up on Formula and disposable diapers.

I can't get her to understand that This is the ONLY expensive baby item we've bought, I saved up for it by clipping coupons and being mean to anyone that forgets to shut off a light, and sitting home all of the time to save gas and so on and so on.....and I did NOT buy any baby gear that was new except for the outfits I had to bring baby home from the hospital in, a couple of decorations for the wall above the used sidecarred crib, a nice diaper bag, and a Sunshine Radian Carseat. Everything else has been bought used or is being done without. I even bought 3doz USED small diapers for when she outgrows the newborns that I made for her. We just have different priorities, and I'm 100% sure that we've spent less than half of what they've spent on their baby.

Heck, the first two months of formula and diapers that they are "having" to buy would pay for Nadia's carseat alone. But she's acting like I'm spending tons of money that I shouldn't....I think the difference is that I've been collecting things for the last 3 years of TTC...sewing and knitting and planning...but their baby is unexpected so they are feeling like they are scrambling to get ready while also struggling to afford it because she's in school full time right now. I understand that mad scramble for the things you feel you need when you get suprised by a baby...that's totally what happened with our DS. But damn woman.....don't point your finger at me and say I'm an extravagent spender when this is that ONLY new piece of baby equipment this baby is getting. I didn't even buy new bedding.....I made a quilt from fabric scraps I had on hand, and used the same sheets that my daycare kids have been using...until my mom bought me some super soft t-shirt material sheets


End of Rant, Thankyou
 
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#2 ·
My family is the same way. My mom and sister think it's crazy that I spent $200+ on a car seat. Never mind the fact that my sister is buying formula and disposable dipes and we aren't....but whatever. Meanwhile, my sister needs to get a convertible for her DD. She recently went out and bought a new couch for hundreds of dollars just because their old one is older, but can't be bothered to spend more than like $50 for a car seat. It's frustrating.
 
#3 ·
DDC crashing--

I don't tell people how much I spend on things. Personally I think people's finances are just that, personal. I probably wouldn't try to make her understand and just tell her that it is a personal decision how you spend whatever money you have, and end the conversation.
 
#4 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by finnegansmom View Post
DDC crashing--

I don't tell people how much I spend on things. Personally I think people's finances are just that, personal. I probably wouldn't try to make her understand and just tell her that it is a personal decision how you spend whatever money you have, and end the conversation.
She looked up the carseat.....because I said what kind I got.

The only reason I know what she has and what she's bought is because she sends out twice monthly emails with lists of what she has, what she still needs, and lists of her registries...basically begging for baby stuff. She listed cans of formula on her registery even (thought that was a bit odd, like listing jars of baby food). She posts the lists and registries on facebook too. I posted my excitement and relief at being able to get this one last item that we need and that it actually get here before the baby does and my excitement at being able to get the one thing I had my heart set on for Nadia. I was just so relieved that I could still get it even though we had to fix the car window (thankyou mom for helping with the window) that I posted it on my status of FB. She then sent me a scathing email about my supposed extravagance. So that's what's got me irritated.
 
#5 ·
It's depressing not to have umlimited money, isn't it? Ugh, we are in a tough financial situation right now and expecting #3. All we will hear (once we tell people) is "How can you afford it?????". Having to defend ourselves everytime we spend money on anything that isn't dire or necessary is exhausting. I'm with you totally, we'll splurge on a car seat the baby can use for a long time that is safe (most likely a britax since that what we have with the other 2 and I'm used to them). We'll reuse the infant bucket seat for the first few months. People are bizarre.... they'll buy tons of spendy plasticy baby crap and fancy 0-3 outfits and cheese out on a carseat.....
 
#6 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by finnegansmom View Post
It's depressing not to have umlimited money, isn't it? Ugh, we are in a tough financial situation right now and expecting #3. All we will hear (once we tell people) is "How can you afford it?????". Having to defend ourselves everytime we spend money on anything that isn't dire or necessary is exhausting. I'm with you totally, we'll splurge on a car seat the baby can use for a long time that is safe (most likely a britax since that what we have with the other 2 and I'm used to them). We'll reuse the infant bucket seat for the first few months. People are bizarre.... they'll buy tons of spendy plasticy baby crap and fancy 0-3 outfits and cheese out on a carseat.....
I totally understand...she's asking to borrow used carseats, but wants brand new stroller, swing, highchair, bouncer etc etc etc. I'm giving her our Graco Safeseat baby bucket because I know it's safe and I'd feel horrible if someone else gave her a seat that had been crashed. I used it for a daycare baby and it's only 3 years old.
 
#7 ·
Yeah, I find it better to not talk money with people.

I'm curious on the formula thing - is she not planning to BF at all? And if she's not, does she not qualify for WIC? She might want to look into that - that would help with some of the formula expense, maybe even all of it depending on how big an eater her baby is.

I tend to have the opposite problem - many of the people I know don't get buying things like clothes used for the baby, and want to know how we can possibly afford more. But at the age my kids are at, I haven't found it that much more expensive to add another child in - sure there are a few more consumables that need to be bought, and there's the occasional big item purchase, but that's about it. I don't even know why used items are so weird to people. I spent less than $50 on a complete wardrobe for this little guy shopping the resales - and that is really more than he "needs" because I'm lazy and don't like to make the laundry mat trek more than once a week. Plus I never turn down handmedowns. My 4.5 year old is THRILLED when she gets "new" clothes - and I much rather her have that attitude and continue to have it than be one of these teens that has to shop at Abercrombie and Fitch for her wardrobe, KWIM? We just got 3 trash bags full of larger girl sizes from a friend whose girls had outgrown them. It took us 2 hours to sort through them - my 4.5 year old tried everything on - if it was too big we put it in one pile "for when she's 5" (she thinks she gets a magic growth spurt on her birthday), if it was too small it went into a pile for her sister, if it fit but was the wrong season it went in another pile for when its warm, and then the stuff that fit went into the wash basket to be added into our clothing rotation. No cost to us, and we now have a close to complete summer wardrobe and possibly even next fall for her (depending on how fast she grows) for absolutely nothing! But we are the "weird" ones...
 
#8 ·
She doesn't qualify for WIC. Her husband makes too much money...but they are in that mortgage crisis because they bought their home based on 2 incomes and then her job was eliminated....ironically she was a mortgage processor. So she went back to school to train for something else....then SUPRISE....baby #2 on the way.

She's not even trying to BF, no. She plans on staying home too. I have plenty of newborn diapers to pass on to her, and she doesn't even want to try.
 
#9 ·
I would be honest, and say "I've spent $400 total to prepare for this baby, and do not expect to spend much more in the first year. We have a limited budget and we chose to spend the bulk of it on a seat we think is worth it. I have not said anything about how much or where you have spent money, because it is none of my business, and I would ask for that same courtesy."

The nerve of some people.
 
#10 ·
That is frustrating! I have relatives (mostly ILs) that would do that - look up the price of something even though I go out of my way not to talk about money. It drives me insane.

I haven't gotten any comments about baby stuff (although some ILs apparently thought I wasn't thankful enough for the shower they threw for me - I sent thank you cards, not sure what else I was suppose to do) but we do get comments about certain things - vacations, home items (we bought a new house and basically had to buy all new furniture since we had only ever lived in a 1br). People just see what they want to see... we eat almost all our meals in and drive older cars to afford the "extravagant" items and a lot of my "new" furniture was refurbished thrift store finds. Funny... the person that makes those comment can't be bothered to give up her yearly trip to FL to come out and visit us and bought a really really pricey crib for her daughter (I know the price b/c she told me of course!) and went into debt to buy a couch from pottery barn.

I am learning to let it just roll off my back. My family is a lot different, for starters they never talk finances/price of things and are truly happy for us for working hard and rewarding ourselves for that hard work and they don't expect anything.
 
#11 ·
For the record, we are in pretty much the same situation -pretty much the only new thing we bought was a carseat (same one, woo hoo!) and a friend forbayed me from buying it when our il's were willing to pay for it because she was going to give us one for free...however hers was only and infant one and not as high quality. So we lost of chance for inlaws to buy it and ended up buying it ourselves anyway.

My thoughts...just ignore them as much as possible. What you buy and don't buy is really no one's business but yours -no matter your financial situation. Accept that they'll never understand and move on -and maybe try to put your energy into people whoa re able to be more supportive and non-judgemental right now.
 
#12 ·
How frustrating! Sounds like a boundary issue, too....seriously? Essentially reprimanding another adult, independant couple on how they spend their own money?? Who DOES that?? *cough* Your SIL, apparently....


In your shoes, I think I'd respond to her with an icy-polite smile (you know, the one that says "make one false move and I'll bald you, bitch!" and just say, "Well, I'm not going to discuss finances with you right now, but if you want to compare total expenses a year from now, we'll be able to see who's really saved more money in the long run what with feeding, diapers, gear, etc."
The proof is in the pudding!

That's what I ultimately had to do with my older brother, who wouldn't stop bad-mouthing us (in what he thought was a humorous way
) for homeschooling...his kids are older than ours, so I said, "Well, I'm not going to debate our choice with you, and with the age difference in our kids, it would be comparing apples to oranges anyway, but once mine reach college-age, and then get out in the world and start their own careers, we can look back on it and see who's better prepared for life in the real world!"


Sometimes you just have to turn off your polite voice and tell people plainly when they are out of line!
 
#14 ·
We had a teeny bit of this judgement-calling with our DD1, but I eliminated it pretty quickly by telling them about our good friends who had lost their son that year in a head-on collision. It's quite possible that a 'better' car seat would not have saved their son, but I decided then that I didnt' want to wonder later on. Car accidents happen to anyone. You could perhaps use a reminder like that with your family to get them off your back. We are the same way by the way, not spending lots on lots of 'things' but spending premium on those few items that we feel are the most important for us (i.e. carseat, co-sleeper, wood eating bowl/utensils). It's frustrating when people judge you because they see these as merely 'wastes' of money or just for looks.
 
#15 ·
Sadly I've BTDT with a friend of mine. I bought a graco nautilus because my DD was fast approaching the 40lb mark for her old seat and was still not even 3. My "friend" more like an aquaintance who also has a 3 yr old DD put her into a booster instead of buying an extended harnessing seat...adn when I said about it not being safe she scrutinized me for spending so much on a carseat when I coulda did what she did. I shut her up fast by saying my child's wellbeing and safety are my number one concern, not easiness or cheapness when it comes to carseats. I'm an @$$ like that though.
 
#16 ·
Wow that is sad of her to be so jealous of what you buy. Is it that she expects your baby to go without so you will spend money on her baby? I think it is awesome you have a nice carseat for your new baby. We have also bought almost everything used. I was able to get a new glider for my xmas present which I always wanted when DD was growing up but never had. So I had to sit on the couch and rock her. I love that I won't have to do that with my new one on the way. It irritates me to know end when other people are jealous and or judge what you do all the way down to what you spend your money on. Tell her to hush it and worry about her own expenses.
 
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