My update- guess I can't stay away from MDC too long, huh?
BOOK LENGTH! but I have a lot going on so here goes-
Anyway- I am having a rough time of it over here.
42 weeks + 1 day and still bleeping pregnant. First of all, I am totally ready- beyond ready- to have this baby on the outside already! I am not interested in holding him in here until my own birthday or any of that stuff. I want my baby born healthy and well TODAY! I am ready.
So here is what is up with me:
Well, the good news is that I got bloody show yesterday at 4:00 am. I was so excited, finally something actually changing! It was substantial enough to be able to say I definitely had bloody mucus- which I had been looking for for weeks. So, okay- thinking things will start moving along, this was yesterday (at 42 wks) at 4 am. In that hour I had my first few contractions. Now, I have never had contractions before- none through the pregnancy or anything, so I didn't know for sure what they were. I thought I would feel them over the whole of the uterus but I only feel them on the bottom part. But they start, build, hurt, and then pass- so I figure this must be a contraction.
So then yesterday it totally petered out and nothing happened. then at 10:30 last night I got more intense contractions- for again about an hour or 2- irregular but about 30 seconds long every 25 or so minutes. then I went to sleep and they petered out.
I have been saying- come on out baby, it is time to be born. And praying and trying to release. I had a big long dream last night that I was trying to be in labor and just nothing was budging or moving.
So I wake up this morning kind of scared. Baby isn't moving as much- or didn't feel movement at all. Finally got the baby to move a bit, had a few light contractions- feel kind of achy down low especially when standing.
So that is the physical part.
Then there is this whole other story which I don't want to get too into as it just sucks, but I have to process it a bit.
The midwives- who are becoming increasingly horrible to the point where I am just aghast. BTW just felt my baby do a big movement inside which always makes me feel better.
So as you all know I have not had a good experience with the midwives I hired. I am a very strong willed opinionated outspoken woman. So if someone tells me to do something that I don't want to do I usually just say no. I am not that easy to push around! But I am also a loving gentle peaceful person, really. So despite the fact that I Never felt the nurturing I had hoped to feel from homebirth midwives, I di my best all along to try to avoid conflict with them and be as kind as I could. I found myself again and again biting my tongue and letting things go with them when they treated me in a manner that I found really lame. okay- so-
I go in for my appointment with them at 39 weeks +6 days. I am feeling fine at that time- happy, trusting, excited to have the baby soon, trusting that my baby just needs to cook a little longer than some. We check my vitals- heartbeat of baby, movement, whatever- fluid levels of what she can feel- everything looks good.
So she (the midwife) says- well, at this point since you will be 42 weeks we would like you to go into the hospital and get a "non stress test". I am like- okay, I have heard no mention of this before, what is this? actually the week before they had briefly mentioned it but in a vague way, but I was like- oh I am sure the baby will be born by then.
So she says- well, you go into the hospital and they hook up an ultrasound and a monitor and blah blah you click when the baby moves and they measure the increase in heart rate of the baby in response to movement.
So I say and think- well, I have really not wanted to have a hospital experience for my self or my baby. at that point my baby was moving so much, and the heartrate was great every time, I felt like- the fear and risks of having an ultrasound to my baby right now, plus me going into a hospital when I really am not a fan of them, just doesn't appeal to me. I would like to not do this test, please. I know for many it is not a big deal at all! But it just didn't fit into the vision I had for my own experience. So meanwhile- the midwives are just seriously bad vibing me. I can't even explain it in a way that makes sense- but just to say that I had no problem with them recommending a NST. But what I had a problem with is that I feel and felt so vulnerable and so wanting nurturing and they were treating me like I was this horrible person and just assaulting me- is how it felt to me- with the opposite of kindness.
So I started feeling like- what is going on here? What is wrong with me? I know I have a strong personality but what have I done to have the midwives, who I hired for support, be actually MEAN to me? I can't even explain how they were mean but I just felt really harshly treated in the way they looked and talked to me.
okay- so I am like- well, I am only 39 wks + 6days, I would prefer not to do the NST now. Maybe if the baby hasn't been born in a few days I will reconsider.
Because also, they threw this at me all at once. So they say- well, you will have to sign something for us releasing us of responsibility if you don't do the test by Friday. I am like- okay.
So the next day, the day I got my bloody show, the assistant calls and says she has a letter for us to read and sign. DH gets the letter and brings it home. We open it and it says, we have decided to terminate our working relationship with you because you are not following our recommendations, and we feel we can no longer provide a safe environment for your homebirth experience.
WHAT?!!! you are cutting me off at this point?!!! Because, we had talked to them about 6 weeks ago about being our back up and we wanted to do unassisted, and they had totally agreed. at that point, if they hadn't wanted to do that they could have said so and we could have sought other back up. At THIS point- I am 42 weeks and have had bloody show and now they are telling me they are cutting us out? And they just continued to be so harsh and mean about it all.
So I am like- what did I do to deserve this? What is wrong with me that someone who is supposed to be helping me is turning against me and abandoning me at this point? It is nuts!
I mean- I understand that they wanted me to have the NST. But to then take away any support what so ever if I decline it? that is just crazy! DH and I were shocked.
So that is what has happened. So this morning I just woke up scared and confused. Having these light contractions- some heavier than others, one is even starting up right now a little, and had the bloody show. So I feel that the baby is on the way.
I always wanted to let labor take as long as it needs to, but I am just inundated with all this fear about gestating for so long! And now really have no back up. Had a long exhausting talk with the mw assistant last night. It is nuts because as you all know, as a woman prepares to give birth she is so vulnerable and should just be getting love and kindness and support. Instead I am working out politics and all this drama about the midwives. And the midwife herslef is the worst- she is just horrible to ,me. She always says stuff about her needs and her self and never takes into account that I am a vulnerable pregnant lady who was trying to get support from her! So she and I aren't even talking at this point. So mw assistant says- well, we will be on call for you if you go into labor by Friday at 5pm but no longer.
If I would have wanted to, if I told her by 10 pm last night then we could cut off al contact with them and get half our money back. Or if we didn't do that but kept them on call then we get 1/6th of our money back
DH wanted to keep them on call as long as we could just for whatever. Plus then I had a good phone consult with someone- I don't want to say names but a peaceful birth advocate person- just to process some of the emotional stuff, last night. And she recommended that I let go of the money stuff at this point and just try to get back into a happy open joyful fun place. Which I think is great advice.
So I just woke up nervous this morning. Like- I want to make sure my baby is doing well! I wished I had a loving nurturing midwife checking in with me at every day at this point. Instead I have these people who I see as really aggressive and mean, telling me I either have to go to the hospital and get a NST or they will have nothing to do with me. So I am like- doubting myself. Should I get that test? but isn't my baby on his or her way since I had bloody show and contractions starting?
And then if I open myself to the opinions of the doctors, the may recommend induction- and therefore a hospital birth.
But then, what if my baby cooks too long and dies in there? Or what if my body doesn't know how to give birth? All these fears that I never thought I would have! but in this culture of so much fear I am just overwhelmed.
And when I think about it- nothing is really wrong in a literal sense. I am having early labor signs. I still feel my baby moving so he or she IS alive. And I can still trust and let go and have a lovely birth.
But I feel so assaulted by the midwife experience. I cannot believe they would cut someone off at 42 weeks just because she didn't want the NST! Because I feel that it is not a safe thing for me to have ultrasonic waves to my baby at this point, and I just don't want that. I may want it if things don't happen within a few days- but I didn't feel it was warranted at this point.
But then this morning I woke up full of doubt and fear. Now I feel a little better. I don't like this whole story and this drama! And even my friends are scaring me about the long gestation of my baby. I feel like people are like- blaming me- like- what am I supposed to do about it? I want to birth the baby already too! I had just been trying to be at peace with it up until now. I don't want to scare myself into induction. But it is like people are saying I am putting my baby at danger if I don't induce!
ouch- I just stood up and there is tons of pressure down low- kind of achy feeling in my vagina, and crampy contractiony feeling. I think- I hope- this baby is going to be born today!!! which is why I do not want to go to a hospital and subject myself to all this stuff hen I may as well just stay home and give birth.