My update (still pregnant) (book length update here) - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 19 Old 03-11-2010, 09:01 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My update- guess I can't stay away from MDC too long, huh?
BOOK LENGTH! but I have a lot going on so here goes-

Anyway- I am having a rough time of it over here.
42 weeks + 1 day and still bleeping pregnant. First of all, I am totally ready- beyond ready- to have this baby on the outside already! I am not interested in holding him in here until my own birthday or any of that stuff. I want my baby born healthy and well TODAY! I am ready.

So here is what is up with me:
Well, the good news is that I got bloody show yesterday at 4:00 am. I was so excited, finally something actually changing! It was substantial enough to be able to say I definitely had bloody mucus- which I had been looking for for weeks. So, okay- thinking things will start moving along, this was yesterday (at 42 wks) at 4 am. In that hour I had my first few contractions. Now, I have never had contractions before- none through the pregnancy or anything, so I didn't know for sure what they were. I thought I would feel them over the whole of the uterus but I only feel them on the bottom part. But they start, build, hurt, and then pass- so I figure this must be a contraction.
So then yesterday it totally petered out and nothing happened. then at 10:30 last night I got more intense contractions- for again about an hour or 2- irregular but about 30 seconds long every 25 or so minutes. then I went to sleep and they petered out.
I have been saying- come on out baby, it is time to be born. And praying and trying to release. I had a big long dream last night that I was trying to be in labor and just nothing was budging or moving.
So I wake up this morning kind of scared. Baby isn't moving as much- or didn't feel movement at all. Finally got the baby to move a bit, had a few light contractions- feel kind of achy down low especially when standing.
So that is the physical part.
Then there is this whole other story which I don't want to get too into as it just sucks, but I have to process it a bit.
The midwives- who are becoming increasingly horrible to the point where I am just aghast. BTW just felt my baby do a big movement inside which always makes me feel better.
So as you all know I have not had a good experience with the midwives I hired. I am a very strong willed opinionated outspoken woman. So if someone tells me to do something that I don't want to do I usually just say no. I am not that easy to push around! But I am also a loving gentle peaceful person, really. So despite the fact that I Never felt the nurturing I had hoped to feel from homebirth midwives, I di my best all along to try to avoid conflict with them and be as kind as I could. I found myself again and again biting my tongue and letting things go with them when they treated me in a manner that I found really lame. okay- so-

I go in for my appointment with them at 39 weeks +6 days. I am feeling fine at that time- happy, trusting, excited to have the baby soon, trusting that my baby just needs to cook a little longer than some. We check my vitals- heartbeat of baby, movement, whatever- fluid levels of what she can feel- everything looks good.
So she (the midwife) says- well, at this point since you will be 42 weeks we would like you to go into the hospital and get a "non stress test". I am like- okay, I have heard no mention of this before, what is this? actually the week before they had briefly mentioned it but in a vague way, but I was like- oh I am sure the baby will be born by then.
So she says- well, you go into the hospital and they hook up an ultrasound and a monitor and blah blah you click when the baby moves and they measure the increase in heart rate of the baby in response to movement.
So I say and think- well, I have really not wanted to have a hospital experience for my self or my baby. at that point my baby was moving so much, and the heartrate was great every time, I felt like- the fear and risks of having an ultrasound to my baby right now, plus me going into a hospital when I really am not a fan of them, just doesn't appeal to me. I would like to not do this test, please. I know for many it is not a big deal at all! But it just didn't fit into the vision I had for my own experience. So meanwhile- the midwives are just seriously bad vibing me. I can't even explain it in a way that makes sense- but just to say that I had no problem with them recommending a NST. But what I had a problem with is that I feel and felt so vulnerable and so wanting nurturing and they were treating me like I was this horrible person and just assaulting me- is how it felt to me- with the opposite of kindness.
So I started feeling like- what is going on here? What is wrong with me? I know I have a strong personality but what have I done to have the midwives, who I hired for support, be actually MEAN to me? I can't even explain how they were mean but I just felt really harshly treated in the way they looked and talked to me.
okay- so I am like- well, I am only 39 wks + 6days, I would prefer not to do the NST now. Maybe if the baby hasn't been born in a few days I will reconsider.
Because also, they threw this at me all at once. So they say- well, you will have to sign something for us releasing us of responsibility if you don't do the test by Friday. I am like- okay.
So the next day, the day I got my bloody show, the assistant calls and says she has a letter for us to read and sign. DH gets the letter and brings it home. We open it and it says, we have decided to terminate our working relationship with you because you are not following our recommendations, and we feel we can no longer provide a safe environment for your homebirth experience.
WHAT?!!! you are cutting me off at this point?!!! Because, we had talked to them about 6 weeks ago about being our back up and we wanted to do unassisted, and they had totally agreed. at that point, if they hadn't wanted to do that they could have said so and we could have sought other back up. At THIS point- I am 42 weeks and have had bloody show and now they are telling me they are cutting us out? And they just continued to be so harsh and mean about it all.
So I am like- what did I do to deserve this? What is wrong with me that someone who is supposed to be helping me is turning against me and abandoning me at this point? It is nuts!
I mean- I understand that they wanted me to have the NST. But to then take away any support what so ever if I decline it? that is just crazy! DH and I were shocked.
So that is what has happened. So this morning I just woke up scared and confused. Having these light contractions- some heavier than others, one is even starting up right now a little, and had the bloody show. So I feel that the baby is on the way.
I always wanted to let labor take as long as it needs to, but I am just inundated with all this fear about gestating for so long! And now really have no back up. Had a long exhausting talk with the mw assistant last night. It is nuts because as you all know, as a woman prepares to give birth she is so vulnerable and should just be getting love and kindness and support. Instead I am working out politics and all this drama about the midwives. And the midwife herslef is the worst- she is just horrible to ,me. She always says stuff about her needs and her self and never takes into account that I am a vulnerable pregnant lady who was trying to get support from her! So she and I aren't even talking at this point. So mw assistant says- well, we will be on call for you if you go into labor by Friday at 5pm but no longer.
If I would have wanted to, if I told her by 10 pm last night then we could cut off al contact with them and get half our money back. Or if we didn't do that but kept them on call then we get 1/6th of our money back
DH wanted to keep them on call as long as we could just for whatever. Plus then I had a good phone consult with someone- I don't want to say names but a peaceful birth advocate person- just to process some of the emotional stuff, last night. And she recommended that I let go of the money stuff at this point and just try to get back into a happy open joyful fun place. Which I think is great advice.
So I just woke up nervous this morning. Like- I want to make sure my baby is doing well! I wished I had a loving nurturing midwife checking in with me at every day at this point. Instead I have these people who I see as really aggressive and mean, telling me I either have to go to the hospital and get a NST or they will have nothing to do with me. So I am like- doubting myself. Should I get that test? but isn't my baby on his or her way since I had bloody show and contractions starting?
And then if I open myself to the opinions of the doctors, the may recommend induction- and therefore a hospital birth.
But then, what if my baby cooks too long and dies in there? Or what if my body doesn't know how to give birth? All these fears that I never thought I would have! but in this culture of so much fear I am just overwhelmed.
And when I think about it- nothing is really wrong in a literal sense. I am having early labor signs. I still feel my baby moving so he or she IS alive. And I can still trust and let go and have a lovely birth.
But I feel so assaulted by the midwife experience. I cannot believe they would cut someone off at 42 weeks just because she didn't want the NST! Because I feel that it is not a safe thing for me to have ultrasonic waves to my baby at this point, and I just don't want that. I may want it if things don't happen within a few days- but I didn't feel it was warranted at this point.
But then this morning I woke up full of doubt and fear. Now I feel a little better. I don't like this whole story and this drama! And even my friends are scaring me about the long gestation of my baby. I feel like people are like- blaming me- like- what am I supposed to do about it? I want to birth the baby already too! I had just been trying to be at peace with it up until now. I don't want to scare myself into induction. But it is like people are saying I am putting my baby at danger if I don't induce!
argh.
ouch- I just stood up and there is tons of pressure down low- kind of achy feeling in my vagina, and crampy contractiony feeling. I think- I hope- this baby is going to be born today!!! which is why I do not want to go to a hospital and subject myself to all this stuff hen I may as well just stay home and give birth.
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#2 of 19 Old 03-11-2010, 10:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Isn't there a song that goes, "It takes a truck load of faith to get by." ?
Just had that pop into my head.
Feeling a bit happier. Had a good talk with my mom and she gave me some good nurturing. Told her a bit about the situation but we don't want to tell our families about UC at this point as we think they would just get more scared. Told my mom the midwives are being horrible to me but that I would tell her more of the story after we have the baby! Feeling a bit better- baby took up with his or her usual lots of movement once I woke up and got some food in me. So that always reassures me more.
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#3 of 19 Old 03-11-2010, 10:50 AM
 
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You can do this. God will get you through it. Your body is capable of birthing your baby. Your baby will be born when it is ready, and your willingness and determination to give your baby a natural, peaceful birth is amazing. You have the strength within to birth your baby at home with your husband.

I know I'm a bit biased, because of my own UC a month ago, and because it was a fantastic experience for me (I think you posted on the thread about Niko's birth story, but if you look up my profile you can find it in there as well). You can PM me if you need to talk more about getting past fear/uncertainty. I've dealt with my fair share.

Boo on the midwives for being terrible. Get them and their negative thoughts out of your head. Money is not an issue at this point.

Do whatever you have to do to have the birth you want. If that is a UC at home at 42 plus weeks ... then do it. God bless you and your baby. Stay strong, mama!

me & DP & our blended brood: DS(6), DD(4), DS(2.5), DS(2), and DS(6 months) & ... I my placenta!
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#4 of 19 Old 03-11-2010, 11:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks Lilypop. I totally remember your birth story- I bookmarked it because it is so inspiring to me!! If you have any thoughts to share and want to pm me I would welcome that. but even what you just said helps tons! Really- in all this every bit of encouragement is helpful. It is like swimming upstream when all I want to do is let my baby be as he or she wants and just do our peaceful loving UC without any more outside drama! Thanks
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#5 of 19 Old 03-11-2010, 11:08 AM
 
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Big hugs. Sorry you are having a rough time - I can only imagine!

Playing devil's advocate though, I wonder if this isn't so much a case of the midwives being "mean" but rather covering their butts legally? I've never used a midwife, but I've seen mentioned on the boards I frequent several times that a lot of midwives can't or won't do homebirths after 42 weeks for legal reasons, and that if you do go over you have to transfer care to an OB. Though if that is the case you'd think they would have said something before now so that you could discuss options, so I don't know...

Nicole, Mommy to Jasmine (7/05) , Athena (2/07) , Shane (3/08) , Caleb (1/10), and 2 angels (4/06 & 4/09)
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#6 of 19 Old 03-11-2010, 12:00 PM
 
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I'm so sorry katie! lots of hugs and I am praying for you. I totally understand wanting to be true to what you think is best but having to deal with the what ifs. i hate that you are having to deal with the mw drama too. i was in a super heightened emotional state going into labor, like days, and i had a ton of support, i can't imagine feeling attacked. it will all come down to your decision and i am praying that you can make it quickly and peacefully. lots of hugs and love to you and your baby. peace peace peace...

married to my love , in love with MJ born 1/18/10 and PJ born 4/6/12 waterbirth.jpg and now due with a surprise 11/14!
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#7 of 19 Old 03-11-2010, 12:39 PM
 
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nak

hugs, katie

dont let them steal the joy of your birth experience, it is yours. your baby will come on his/her birthday. sending you labor vibes!

oh, low down/crampy is how all my contractions feel--they are still "real"

Homeschooling mama to DD 3/28/06 reading.gif,  DS 2/27/10 coolshine.gif, Belle the Orange Dog 03/11, and DD babygirl.gif 10/03/2013.
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#8 of 19 Old 03-11-2010, 12:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by HappiLeigh View Post
nak

hugs, katie

dont let them steal the joy of your birth experience, it is yours. your baby will come on his/her birthday. sending you labor vibes!

oh, low down/crampy is how all my contractions feel--they are still "real"
Thank You! Totally true.
More contractions happening over here.
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#9 of 19 Old 03-11-2010, 01:34 PM
 
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Oh Katie!

I haven't even posted my birth story yet, but I was induced in the end. I know what it like to be wishing for things to happen naturally and getting worried! Don't worry, your body totally knows what it is doing in regards to giving birth!

Thinking about you! Hoping that your contractions mean you'll be holding your baby soon!!!

My family = me + dh & ds +
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#10 of 19 Old 03-11-2010, 02:24 PM
 
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Oh, Katie! But you've wanted a UC all along, and now the Universe/God is making your wish come true!!!!

YOU CAN DO IT!

Tamara: Aspiring doula, partner to Brazilian musician, mom to THREE GIRLIES!
(4/01, 6/07, & 12/09)
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#11 of 19 Old 03-11-2010, 02:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh, Katie! But you've wanted a UC all along, and now the Universe/God is making your wish come true!!!!

YOU CAN DO IT!
I know! And if I can get through this and actually have a UC and birth a healthy happy baby, then I can really see myself becoming an advocate of some sort for this.
Contractions increasing, feeling good over here. Not huge contractions but more frequent-and somewhat stronger, just a slow increase I guess.
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#12 of 19 Old 03-11-2010, 03:08 PM
 
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Good luck Katie - sounds like things are definitley starting! I'm sorry you're having so much more to deal with, hoping you are now able to focus your energy on just you and your birthing experience.

Thinking of you!!

Engaged to my sweetheart, Mammy to two beautiful girls
Eden Jade 18.08.06 & Saffron Jo 13.02.10
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#13 of 19 Old 03-11-2010, 03:32 PM
 
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Oh mama! Sounds like your baby is definitely on its way!! Forget the midwife stuff and focus on yourself now....happy peaceful labor!

: mama to 3 sweet boys, 10/21/03, 2/23/07 and 1/20/10
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#14 of 19 Old 03-11-2010, 11:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#15 of 19 Old 03-12-2010, 02:17 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#16 of 19 Old 03-12-2010, 02:53 AM
 
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Are you planning to UC for sure now? I think there is a chance of prodromal with all the drama going on. Just get ready physically (home, supplies, reading), hopefully then the mental will follow, then the hormones and baby!

As far as the midwives, I don't know about the regulations in your state, but in many places, it is easy for a midwife to be thrown in jail for just one birth that doesn't go well, which is why she has to take strict precautions. She could be putting her livelihood and some portion of her life at risk by not following procedure. Maybe this fear affects her attitude. I don't know. It just is odd for a homebirth midwife not to love what she does. I do hope she at least had the post-dates info in her initial contract. And I wish she'd mentioned it to you in the appointment rather than in a letter afterward.

But you just find your peace. Do what you need to do. And however perfectly or imperfectly the birth experience unfolds, the most important thing will be holding your baby in your arms, counting little fingers and toes and trying to figure out breastfeeding. Breathe, think "open", let it happen. It's okay, everything will work out the way it is supposed to.

ps. You need to feel SAFE to give birth, so make that feeling happen.

Tamara: Aspiring doula, partner to Brazilian musician, mom to THREE GIRLIES!
(4/01, 6/07, & 12/09)
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#17 of 19 Old 03-12-2010, 10:08 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#18 of 19 Old 03-12-2010, 10:27 AM
 
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Ok, I'm subbing. You'll have your baby today, that's my bet. Don't worry about the midwives at this point, you'll know later if you want to call them or not. If you do call, you have every right to tell them to go away if they are making you too stressed. Hugs and wishing you a peaceful and wonderful birth!

familybed1.gifnovaxnocirc.gif nut.gifMommy to my amazing 6 yr old dd, we homeschool.gif, and  27 weeks belly.gifpuke.gifand have been sick the whole time so far, grrrrr!!!!!!!

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#19 of 19 Old 03-12-2010, 11:17 AM
 
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Katie, is there any possibility your dates were off and maybe you just aren't as far along as everyone thinks?

Nicole, Mommy to Jasmine (7/05) , Athena (2/07) , Shane (3/08) , Caleb (1/10), and 2 angels (4/06 & 4/09)
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