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#1 of 31 Old 02-15-2010, 02:05 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't never have and likely never will have a good relationship with my MIL its a long drawn out story but just trust me its not a pretty one...
Anyways MIL has convinced my DH to come out there for his fathers 80th birthday. Now 80 that a biggie and the idea of the celebraton does NOT bother me... What does?
The party is on March 6th
DH would leave the Thursday before and return on Sunday
I'm due March 19th...
I think its really cutting it close I reminded hom that our first came at 38 weeks and that I went from basically 0 dialation to baby in Arms with in ONE hour.. (I was actually dialated a bit for a week or so with out any pain)..
He'd be around 4 hours away...
MIL and DH of course say I'm totally over reacting.


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#2 of 31 Old 02-15-2010, 02:24 AM
 
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DDC crashing, but I think in this case, I would calmly make it very clear that I would prefer him not to go, that I would be hurt if he chooses to, and that I would have a hard time forgiving him if I had the baby without him. Make a backup plan (do you have a close friend who you can count on to rush over if you need them?) and then let him make his own choices. You can't force him to do anything, but you can make it very clear how his choices are affecting you.

(I would be very hurt and angry as well. You don't have to play like everything is okay, but try not to make it easy for them to write you off as being "overly emotional".)

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#3 of 31 Old 02-15-2010, 02:41 AM - Thread Starter
 
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We have zero back up plan. We live away from family most people we know have no car and/or work full time... Weve actually been worried about a back up plan for months even with him in town like who would get DD from school ect but have come up empty...
It doesn't matter how clear or ranting I am my MIL will call be stupid and selfish she treats me liek crap always has always will. DH who ussually is great on top very resposnible turns into melted gooey jello at anything she suggests because he doesn't want the harrasments that will come for months and months after.

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#4 of 31 Old 02-15-2010, 04:00 AM
 
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I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this right now. I don't know that I have any words of advice, but I did want to send warm thoughts your way. I hope things work out for the best with it. I would be peeved too, just to add. But...if it was set to be...I'd try to find a way to accept it and stay alert to labor vibes if they start coming your way.

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#5 of 31 Old 02-15-2010, 04:41 AM
 
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I don't think you're overreacting either - I wouldn't want my dh doing something like that so close, esp. with sketchy or no additional support around while he was gone.

Any way he could ask his dad what he thought about the trip and timing - cause he might be understanding of wanting or needing to he home to help his wife/upcoming new baby even if his mom is not.
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#6 of 31 Old 02-15-2010, 10:07 AM
 
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Oh, . I don't think you are overreacting at all. Also, even if you don't have the baby while he is gone -- you need his support right now. This is a hard time, moving around, getting things done.

He should really stay home. I am really mad at your MIL!

Please tell him that you are just too vulnerable right now and that you need him.

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#7 of 31 Old 02-15-2010, 10:56 AM
 
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I usually go late and I'd be freaking out. I don't think you're over-reacting.

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#8 of 31 Old 02-15-2010, 11:23 AM
 
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I don't think you're over-reacting, but I'm wondering if there's a possible compromise? How far away are his parents? Does he really have to be gone for FIVE days? I mean, maybe it's because my family is in business and flies day trips a lot, but I don't understand why he can't go and come back the same day, or stay at most one night. Also, how busy are both of your airports? How hard would it be for him to change his ticket and come back sooner if he had to? How long is the flight back home?

I wish I was closer to you so that I could be your backup! My DH has a gig in NYC on the 27th of Feb (2 hours away) and I'm due 3/8. But, I'm totally convinced that I'm going to go early (especially since I'll be out eating spicy food that night for my sister's birthday, and it's a full moon! ). It's been a definite stress on our relationship trying to work out the contingency plans. Luckily, my labor was relatively long last time (18 hours) and my midwife doesn't expect it to be that much shorter.

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#9 of 31 Old 02-15-2010, 01:19 PM
 
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I'd be totally having a meltdown. Just the IDEA of not having the support we need is more than most women can handle at the end of a pregnancy.

I'd ask him to at least change his plans so he could be gone for the least amount of time, just for my peace of mind. I don't think that's too much to ask and really, I think everyone else at the part would completely understand him not being there, and he might get some judgement from others who dont understand why he would come when his wife is due anytime and he could possibly miss the birth.

Sounds to me like your MIL is a real manipulator, and has found a way to take away from you peace and comfort at a time when you need that the most.

If it were me, I'd try pretty hard to get him to stay, but, if he really wasn't going to listen to my concerns, I'd go on and do what I could to make that time my own.

I hope it all works out for you.
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#10 of 31 Old 02-15-2010, 01:24 PM
 
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Oh, I'd be furious. You are totally not overeacting. Really, which would he regret missing more, the birth of his child, or his dad's birthday party? Any reasonable parent would understand missing their birthday party because of the impending birth of a grandchild! Yeesh.

Sorry people are being so crappy to you!

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#11 of 31 Old 02-15-2010, 01:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by staceychev View Post
I don't think you're over-reacting, but I'm wondering if there's a possible compromise? How far away are his parents? Does he really have to be gone for FIVE days? I mean, maybe it's because my family is in business and flies day trips a lot, but I don't understand why he can't go and come back the same day, or stay at most one night. Also, how busy are both of your airports? How hard would it be for him to change his ticket and come back sooner if he had to? How long is the flight back home?
He will be driving not flying. Its around a 4 hour drive he will be with in the state. The party is offically on Saturday of that week he wants to drive out Thursday so he can be there to pick up his siblings at the airport when they come in. That almost bothers me the most his siblings are perfectly capable both physically and financially of gettting there own rides. And then hes comming home Sunday..
I've alredy asked if there was a way for him to stay untill Friday afternoon at least till our DD was out of school for the week before he left that would give him the travel time that day... Time with his father on the Party day and back Sunday but nope... He of course says if something happens for me to call and he'll drop everythig and come right home... Now again I think in HIS head this is true but reality will be much diffrent...

Deanna

Wife to DH since August 01 mom to a bubbly girl October 2002 and our newest gal March 2010
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#12 of 31 Old 02-15-2010, 01:42 PM
 
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Totally unacceptable, IMNSHO. I would absolutely not be okay with that.
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#13 of 31 Old 02-15-2010, 01:45 PM
 
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I don't think you are overreacting either.

There are no easy answers here (other than the obvious he should be there with you!!!!) since his family doesn't seem to understand and your MIL isn't going to let go of her son choosing you over her, for whatever effed reasoning she's got going on in her head. BOTH events are important family events, but, really, your husband belongs with you during this time.

It would seem the easiest way to compromise would be for your husband to cut his trip short--his siblings are old enough to find their own ways from the airport.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Me(34); DH (33); Now a mommy to beautiful baby boy born 3/18/10
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#14 of 31 Old 02-15-2010, 02:13 PM
 
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Oh, I'd be furious. You are totally not overeacting. Really, which would he regret missing more, the birth of his child, or his dad's birthday party? Any reasonable parent would understand missing their birthday party because of the impending birth of a grandchild! Yeesh.

Sorry people are being so crappy to you!

First time mama to sweet *~....:: Eden Magnolia::....~*  4/3/10
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#15 of 31 Old 02-15-2010, 02:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It would seem the easiest way to compromise would be for your husband to cut his trip short--his siblings are old enough to find their own ways from the airport.
I agree this is the most frustrating part of the plan.

Deanna

Wife to DH since August 01 mom to a bubbly girl October 2002 and our newest gal March 2010
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#16 of 31 Old 02-15-2010, 02:27 PM
 
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Oh, I'd be furious. You are totally not overeacting. Really, which would he regret missing more, the birth of his child, or his dad's birthday party? Any reasonable parent would understand missing their birthday party because of the impending birth of a grandchild! Yeesh.

Sorry people are being so crappy to you!
Yeah that!

My dh won a rather prestigious "honor" at his job while I was pregnant with dd1 and was invited on an all expense paid trip to Disney World...when I would have been 38 weeks pregnant. He turned it down and I ended up giving birth the day before he thave been scheduled to leave. My mom was (and still is) living upstairs from up and planning to be at the birth, and there was still no way I would've been comfortable risking him not being present, even WITH a backup plan!

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#17 of 31 Old 02-15-2010, 02:36 PM
 
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Originally Posted by moonglowmama View Post
I'd be totally having a meltdown. Just the IDEA of not having the support we need is more than most women can handle at the end of a pregnancy.

And I am not just speculating. My husband got on a plane this morning (4am), and I spent the next few hours tossing and turning in bed imagining having to rush to the hospital, CPS taking custody of my older daughter because no guardian can be found, the baby in the NICU (I am 36 weeks), essentially the worst case scenario. I had so much trouble turning my brain off, and could not sleep. There is nothing I can do about it now, so I had to make myself picture the best case scenario so I could relax a tiny bit.

If this trip was for ANYTHING other than work... I would have made it clear that this is not not not OK. If you have no other childcare, it is not about him picking his parents over YOU, it is him picking his parents over his CHILD.
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#18 of 31 Old 02-15-2010, 02:47 PM
 
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ddcc from april,
i had this issue last pregnancy and had my midwife talk to my husband.
he decided not to go because of her professional opinion. basically she just told him it would be really stupid to go, and somehow it sounds different when the person saying it is a medical professional.

have you thought about having your midwife or doctor talk to him about his travel plans so late in the game? they may be able to talk sense into him better. good luck, i'm really glad my husband decided not to go, i would have definitely had my baby during his trip and with how fast my labor went he would have missed it.
i popped at 38+2 for perspective.
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#19 of 31 Old 02-15-2010, 03:08 PM
 
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Ok I am over reacting cause he's not my husband but I'm fuming. If you go at 38 weeks again he will miss the birth. That'll have the baby arriving at March 5th, if he leaves on the 4th what then? And since 2nd labors are notroious for going faster, he's doomed to miss it if he drives 4 hours away. You're baby will only be born once.

Granted we only get one birthday a year and it could always be the last he's been there for how many of his father's previous birthdays? If it was my son coming to his father's birthday I would tell him to STAY HOME!!!

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#20 of 31 Old 02-15-2010, 03:56 PM
 
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I'm going to give him the benefit of hte doubt and assume his siblings live far away and he doesn't get to see them often and that the reason he wants to be there when they get there is to maximize time together. Not that it justifies blatant disregard for your very justified feelings, or the serious potential issues posed by your lack of support...

If this were me, and I knew that changing his mind was not going to happen, I would set as a minimum that he take your older daughter with him. She can miss one-two days of school for a family reunion, and the last thing you need is to go into labor with her at school and no one to take care of her. Giving birth by yourself, in contrast, is doable, especially if you're planning a hospital birth, and if he'll only be a four hour drive away, he should get there pretty quickly after if he leaves at the first sign of labor. He'd need to agree to leave as soon as you request it of him, with no second-guessing of whether it's real labor, etc., though.
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#21 of 31 Old 02-15-2010, 05:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm going to give him the benefit of hte doubt and assume his siblings live far away and he doesn't get to see them often and that the reason he wants to be there when they get there is to maximize time together. Not that it justifies blatant disregard for your very justified feelings, or the serious potential issues posed by your lack of support...
Two of his siblings live in CA another in Flordia he saw his Flordia sister and his brother last time over Christmas Vaccation his other sister we last saw over the summer at his brothers wedding. We see his family on average every 3-4 months to some degree (unlike mine since we really are too far from them) we last saw his parents over the Christmas break as well. Still I'm not against him wanting to be there with his family and for his fathers birthday not at all I totally get that want wahts bugging me is how dissmissive hes been of whats really going on. It took us close to 7 years to successfully carry another baby and I feel like he is not a part of this process. There is already a hige conflict with his work schedued the actual day (weekend) that I am due and now this I just maybe selfishly feel like I'd like him to actually consider me FIRST for just a moment rather than me being his back up issue and what happens if I go into labor.

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If this were me, and I knew that changing his mind was not going to happen, I would set as a minimum that he take your older daughter with him. She can miss one-two days of school for a family reunion, and the last thing you need is to go into labor with her at school and no one to take care of her.
HAving our DD go with his is NON negiotable it would be an absoulte disaster MIL is toxic I would 100% can not emphize more HAVE to be with her to protect her. DH "won't" not because he doesn't or wouldn' want to but that he knows he is unable to around his mother. We are in full agreement over that. I have thought on the school issue and I think if DH does insist on driving out on Thursday I'm just going to keep my DD at home with me well have one of our final Mommy DD weekends jsut us before babay coems and forbid somethign does happen yea I don't want to be trying to figure out how to get her as well.

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Giving birth by yourself, in contrast, is doable, especially if you're planning a hospital birth, and if he'll only be a four hour drive away, he should get there pretty quickly after if he leaves at the first sign of labor. He'd need to agree to leave as soon as you request it of him, with no second-guessing of whether it's real labor, etc., though.
I'm actually not worried about giving birth alone. Actually DH was more of a distration during my labr with DD and I would have prefered if he'd waited outside Its the introverted way in me.. But hes is still my DH the father ect this is again our first successful birth after multiple loss. This is a high risk pregancy and possible birth I
d jsut like him to be there...
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Giving birth by yourself, in contrast, is doable, especially if you're planning a hospital birth, and if he'll only be a four hour drive away, he should get there pretty quickly after if he leaves at the first sign of labor. He'd need to agree to leave as soon as you request it of him, with no second-guessing of whether it's real labor, etc., though.
As for labor well I know every birth is diffrent I totally get that but let me give you a little back ground to how my first went..
I had zero pre labor prior to the day never felt a single braxiton hicks ect nothing jsut baby movement.. . A few weeks before at my finial OB appointment I was told I was like 2cm dialated and so such efaced (or something along those lines) I felt nothing jsut knew it be some time soon.. The day my DD was born I had zero pain water never broke no lost plug ect nothing I just had this sudden over whelming feeling that maybe I should go check in.
We checked in I was up walking around talking laughing we watched TV They did an exam told me I was at a 2 and such JST like the doctor had a few weeks ago... They said well well keep you here a bit and see... About 2 hours latter I still felt NOTHING zero pain zero leaking zero anything but I was checked again and told I'd dialated to a 4 and that I was going to stay..
This was around 3:00pmish on October 26th 2002... Maybe 15 mintues latter I had sudden pains that never let up they were right on top of each other the pushing sensation was soo strong there was no way to stop it at 4:16pm my 6lb DD came into the world. My water was broke by the doctor as I delivered it happened so fast they didn't not have equipment ready I tore extensivily I think jsut because my body delivered sooo fast. Hoenstly IF I'd waited till contractions had actually started I would have delivered at home. I have prexisting heart conditions and I'm diabetic there is real risks in that senerio. This birth can be totally diffrent but we have a ling family history of fast delivery and early births, I'd rather be prepared... I know yes he would leave right away would he make it not too sure...


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#22 of 31 Old 02-15-2010, 06:16 PM
 
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I wanted to send
I am sorry you are dealing with this.
I would make it as clear as possible how I felt about the situation.
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#23 of 31 Old 02-16-2010, 05:44 PM
 
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DDCC - in your situation, I think I would literally forbid my DH to go. I would pull the married card (you are married to ME not your mother and I need you) and just tell him it's non negotiable.

Especially with as fast as your last delivery was - that is crazy. Maybe suggest he go to see his father? grandfather? this week or something instead of when you coould very conceivably go into labor.

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#24 of 31 Old 02-16-2010, 06:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks all for at least validating my feelings. I'm still not sure how to react I know I should just be fully open and honest I'm just not in a good place for it I soo want for him to choose me first at this time and me not be his "What if" plans. At the same time I really really don't want to add fuel to the fire concerning his mother.

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#25 of 31 Old 02-16-2010, 07:48 PM
 
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Could you ask to have a heart-to-heart with him? Let him know you aren't expecting something to change this minute, but you would like for your thoughts and feelings to be fully understood. Request that he let you talk for 5 minutes or so without interruption, and let him know you'll listen to him for 5 minutes also.

It may not change anything, but it might help heal things between you a little.
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#26 of 31 Old 02-16-2010, 07:50 PM
 
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What about a compromise?

DH obviously wants to celebrate his dad's birthday, but it is horrible timing for you & your family.

Why not suggest that DH makes a day-trip a week or 2 before the birthday party and take his dad out for a guys' day (golfing, a special meal, whatever) and celebrate with him one-on-one. Then he can be at home with you when your bebe is so close to arriving. He most definately doesn't need to be there to shuttle his siblings about when you are ready to explode.
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#27 of 31 Old 02-17-2010, 12:06 AM
 
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I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Short of an absolute emergency, I would be furious if my DH went anywhere without me right now (and our MW says I'll probably go around a week after my EDD, based on my long cycles and this being our first).

That said, I can understand how difficult it is to express how you're feeling. The conflict w/ your MIL takes a huge toll on your emotions and how you communicate with your DH. I liked the previous suggestion to have your MW talk with your DH. Hearing it from a third party would probably make a huge difference in how you husband handles this.

Another idea might be to put what you're feeling in writing. Even if you don't give a letter to your DH, it might help you find the words you need to express how you're feeling. And that will give you and opportunity to edit and make sure what you're saying is balanced and free of the more toxic emotions you have regarding your MIL (and just focus on what you really need, your husband present for the birth of your child).

Hope this works out. Please keep us updated with what you decide.

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#28 of 31 Old 02-17-2010, 01:18 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by mirtodd View Post
What about a compromise?

DH obviously wants to celebrate his dad's birthday, but it is horrible timing for you & your family.

Why not suggest that DH makes a day-trip a week or 2 before the birthday party and take his dad out for a guys' day (golfing, a special meal, whatever) and celebrate with him one-on-one. Then he can be at home with you when your bebe is so close to arriving. He most definately doesn't need to be there to shuttle his siblings about when you are ready to explode.
He wont its all about being there for the party and with his family and siblings the biggest issue I'm having wrapping my stubborn head around is the idea he needs to Go on Thursday and not like Friday evening or even Saturday morning...

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Wife to DH since August 01 mom to a bubbly girl October 2002 and our newest gal March 2010
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#29 of 31 Old 02-17-2010, 01:57 AM
 
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Originally Posted by octobermom View Post
He wont its all about being there for the party and with his family and siblings the biggest issue I'm having wrapping my stubborn head around is the idea he needs to Go on Thursday and not like Friday evening or even Saturday morning...
I'm pretty sure it's not your "stubborn head" that's the problem here. You really shouldn't be blaming yourself for being too stubborn to understand it, when there's really nothing to understand. He doesn't need to leave Thursday and stay for several days. HE is the one being stubborn, not you.

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...I soo want for him to choose me first at this time and me not be his "What if" plans.
I know how you feel. DH and I had a LOT of issues after DD was born, because I was so worried about being overly demanding that I sat around feeling sorry for myself when he didn't just do of his own free will whatever it was that I needed him to do. I didn't want to have to ask him not to go out with our friends all the time while I was stuck at home. I wanted him to realize that I needed him to be there and choose to stay home. That really caused a lot of resentment between us and I almost left him. I think the healthiest thing is not to wait for someone to choose you when it's something this important to you. Maybe I'm misunderstanding how you feel about it, but I honestly don't know if I'd ever be able to forgive my DH if I were you. It's not that I'd divorce him over it, of course, but I really would have an issue with ever trusting him to care about my needs again. Perhaps you don't feel as strongly, but if you do you really need to ask yourself if this is something you're just going to be able to get over. If not, then he needs to know that and he needs to not go or he needs to just make a day trip of it. You're NOT being unreasonable.
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#30 of 31 Old 02-17-2010, 02:26 AM
 
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Well, my OB would tell him not to go. He's already had the talk with DH. Basically, DH is advised not to go anywhere starting at 37 weeks. I think a professional opinion may be in order.
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