Be honest - how/when so you think I should I tell my DH? update post 18 - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 22 Old 08-24-2009, 04:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I still have not told DH that I am pregnant. I am at a loss on how to tell him. He told me in July that he wasn't ready for another baby (neither was I as our youngest is only 8.5 months!). Apparently I was wrong one night in July and we weren't "safe". I don't think he'll be mad, but I really don't know how he will react. I just don't want him to think I did this on purpose!

I am leaning towards waiting until after his brother & his wife have their baby soon (she's due Sept 4) and see how he reacts to that baby. He's said he can't wait to see the baby so hopefully he can be happy about this one. I haven't been to a dr yet so I have no u/s to show him. I have what was supposed to be an annual exam scheduled in mid-Sept but I don't know if I want to wait that long. However, as soon as I tell DH, I know he's going to want to tell everyone in his family and I don't want that yet. This totally wasn't planned and I just don't know what to do!

Anyone else ever been in this situation?

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#2 of 22 Old 08-24-2009, 04:13 PM
 
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I would tell right away.

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#3 of 22 Old 08-24-2009, 04:14 PM
 
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I was in that situation with DH--as a matter of fact we'd been going to marriage counseling to deal with the fact that he was done having kids and I'm not. And then we had a little oops.

Honestly, my advice is to get it over with. Tell him as soon as you can. And really, he isn't going to react the same way to his brother's child as he would to his own, so that isn't really a way to judge. For me, it worked out perfectly--he was fine with it, laughed about God's sick sense of humor, and we are happily planning. But even if he wasn't fine with it--sometimes it's just better to get it over with and go on from there.

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#4 of 22 Old 08-24-2009, 04:18 PM
 
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I would definitely tell him right away. Good luck!!
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#5 of 22 Old 08-24-2009, 04:23 PM
 
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If it were me, I would tell him... but I don't have any secrets with my hubby...

This is HUGE news! Whether he's happy about it or not, he should know his family is going to get bigger. You aren't going to terminate the pregnancy just because he's unhappy about it are you?

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#6 of 22 Old 08-24-2009, 04:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Riverbeauty View Post
You aren't going to terminate the pregnancy just because he's unhappy about it are you?
No, I wouldn't and I know he wouldn't want me to either. So what am I so worried about? I don't know...I guess I just don't want him to think I did this on purpose.

I will tell him soon, but I don't think tonight. Our middle child was up a lot last night and neither one of us got any sleep and we are both exhausted. By the time one child got back to sleep, the baby woke up. The only person in the house who go any sleep last night was our 9 year old who sleeps like a log.

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#7 of 22 Old 08-24-2009, 04:34 PM
 
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I can't imagine keeping this kind of news from my husband for any length of time, honestly, whether he wanted a baby or not. I would tell him right away. Even if his reaction is not 100% positive, at least you'll have something to work on together. You can't work on anything he doesn't know about.

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#8 of 22 Old 08-24-2009, 04:34 PM
 
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I can only speak from the perspective of my own marriage, but witholding this information would be a major deception on my part.

I would tell him. You have had some time to adjust to the news, I would give him the same courtesy. It takes two people to make a baby, he has equal responsibility in this conception as you, IMVHO.

Wishing you luck. With these things, you can never quite predict the reaction!

Erin, WOHM yogi mommy to DD (2005):, and DS (2010)

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#9 of 22 Old 08-24-2009, 04:55 PM
 
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personally i think that my husband would be MORE upset if i waited to tell him in the situation you are in.
i really feel that honesty is important in marriage and life and keeping a secret like that isnt honest.

i really understand it being hard though, but i think you should use the bandaid theory and get it over quick.
the longer you wait, the harder its going to get for you, and then you may have to explain why you waited and get into a whole bigger mess.

i hope he's happy and your worry was just horomones!

good luck!
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#10 of 22 Old 08-24-2009, 05:12 PM
 
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No, I wouldn't and I know he wouldn't want me to either. So what am I so worried about? I don't know...I guess I just don't want him to think I did this on purpose.

I will tell him soon, but I don't think tonight. Our middle child was up a lot last night and neither one of us got any sleep and we are both exhausted. By the time one child got back to sleep, the baby woke up. The only person in the house who go any sleep last night was our 9 year old who sleeps like a log.
It takes two!!! This isn't just your oops. I'd tell him asap, as soon as it's not a terrible time (there's never going to be a perfect time).

mama to two DD's, 7 and 3 (3 rounds of IVF and more FET's than I can remember)
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#11 of 22 Old 08-24-2009, 05:20 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Unicorn75 View Post
I can only speak from the perspective of my own marriage, but witholding this information would be a major deception on my part.

I would tell him. You have had some time to adjust to the news, I would give him the same courtesy. It takes two people to make a baby, he has equal responsibility in this conception as you, IMVHO.

Wishing you luck. With these things, you can never quite predict the reaction!
Same here.

Mom to Eoin (11/02), Eilis (09/04), Eamon (07/07), and Ellery (04/10)
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#12 of 22 Old 08-24-2009, 05:37 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ferrum97 View Post
.I guess I just don't want him to think I did this on purpose.
It takes two.

You are a married couple who participated in a loving act. It's not like you are a groupie who stole some sperm out of a condom in order to trap someone....

Tell him soon and congratulations!
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#13 of 22 Old 08-24-2009, 05:59 PM
 
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I would tell him as soon as possible. Just get it out: "Honey, I have news, I am pregnant. I know it is not ideal right now, but it is what it is, and I want us to be in this together." And then? He may be upset, but he may also surprise you. Either way, after that moment it will not all be on your shoulders, and you can work on a plan together.

Personally, I could not keep this kind of information from my husband, and feeling that distance between us would prompt me to start working on that relationship. I don't want that to sound judgmental, because I know every relationship is different, but not feeling like I could share something this big with my partner in life would be a red flag for me.

Ivory, partner to Tom, mama to Ella (12/9/05), Alice (12/8/07), and our newest addition, Rebecca (4/1/10).
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#14 of 22 Old 08-24-2009, 06:43 PM
 
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My dh and I were talking sterilization before I found out I was pregnant. So it was a big shock for us. And for him knowing sooner is better so he can prepare. So another vote for telling him very soon.
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#15 of 22 Old 08-24-2009, 06:45 PM
 
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I don't have any advice- mostly because I would hate to say tell now or wait or whatever, even if it's the same thing everyone else says- and then have it blow up in your face.
Then I'd feel guilty.
I do want to wish you luck with whatever you do though. That must be a really hard situation

Monther of Riley (11), Andrew (4) and Victoria (7 months)
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#16 of 22 Old 08-24-2009, 06:48 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Unicorn75 View Post
I can only speak from the perspective of my own marriage, but witholding this information would be a major deception on my part.
Exactly.

I can only imagine how much worse you will seem in his eyes if you wait. "You've known this HOW long??" Etc.
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#17 of 22 Old 08-25-2009, 08:27 AM
 
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i always think about what I'D like best--and that's definitely to know... i would hate to find out my partner was hiding something this big... good luck!


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#18 of 22 Old 08-25-2009, 12:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, I went ahead and told him yesterday. I chickened out told him over email with a pic of the positive test. He called me from work and we talked. One of the things he said was "I knew I should have made that appt with Dr L" (for a vasectomy), but later in the evening, he said he hadn't made the appt yet b/c he wasn't 100% sure if he was done but that he really wasn't thinking this soon. Then he went on about how he's "old" and doesn't think he can handle anymore kids (he's 37 so he's not truly old) and how he's been looking at going back to school for a four year program. It's then that I pointed out that the timing would probably be better now before he started school next year (if he goes, we're not totally sure yet) and if we waited until after he finished, he'd be at least 42 and I'd be at least 39. If he thinks he's "old" and can't handle it now, what will he consider himself then? I can't say that he's thrilled about it, but at least he knows.

As for the knowing and not telling him right away, that doesn't bother him. With the pregnancy that I had that ended in m/c, I told him right away and then he told all his family even though I asked him to wait (b/c I had that feeling like something wasn't right). His grandfather brought it up in the middle of Christmas Day right in front of everyone (m/c was in mid Dec about two weeks before Christmas). I then told him that if couldn't keep quiet for a couple weeks when I asked him to, I wouldn't tell him right away in the future. He is OK with that b/c, as he puts it, he has a big mouth (his words, not mine). It works for us.

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#19 of 22 Old 08-25-2009, 12:27 PM
 
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Our first pregnancy was unplanned, and I knew my Dh would not be pleased. Telling him was not the joyful experience depicted in romantic comedies, let me tell you. In fact, he cried. It was pretty upsetting for both of us. I can totally understand your feelings.
I told him right away because 1. he suspected anyway (late period), and 2.I knew I couldn't keep disguise my emotions well enough, anyway. It's not that I wanted to keep it from him-- but I dreaded the actual experience of telling him.

As other posters have said, I would tell him as soon as possible-- but I just wanted to say that I sympathize. I hope he surprises you with support if not excitement.

ETA, I see I cross-posted with you! I'm glad it didn't go too horribly, and I'm glad you had the understanding about telling him later.

Aspiring to 1 Thessalonians 4:11.Wife to Dh, 2004. Mother to DD 3/07.
So thankful for our healthy baby boy, born Easter morning, 2010!
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#20 of 22 Old 08-25-2009, 12:36 PM
 
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bravo for telling him. I can understand how hard that would be.

It sounds like you have found an even balance between yourselves in other areas, now I would just give him time to adjust to the news. As I recall you were feeling very conflicted, and had your ups and downs in adjusting to this news. Now he is going to go through a similar response, but the difference is you will know about it. Please try to give him support in expressing the positive and negative aspects of this news/life adjustment, so that he can also come to a place of acceptance.

Wishing you the best!

Erin, WOHM yogi mommy to DD (2005):, and DS (2010)

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#21 of 22 Old 08-25-2009, 02:05 PM
 
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I'm so glad it worked out well :-)

Monther of Riley (11), Andrew (4) and Victoria (7 months)
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#22 of 22 Old 08-25-2009, 04:18 PM
 
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I'm glad it went okay
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