Some of my birth story- having mixed feelings about it- need advice - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 14 Old 04-19-2010, 06:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
Georgetown HB Mom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 520
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
My beautiful 3rd daughter was born April 16th at 10:19pm. She was suppose to be born at home but we ended up going into the hospital and she was born 20 minutes after we arrived. I had been in labor all day. Everything was fine, progressing normally. Labor was very similar to my 2nd daughter's labor who was born at home. I spent a lot of time in the shower and at about 8pm I was fully dilated and pushing some. At that point contractions were very intense. I was standing and trying to squat and my midwife said that I was tensing up too much and had very strong muscles. After a little while I asked the midwife to check to see if the baby was coming down at all. She found that my cervix had started to swell slightly and told me to stop pushing. Babies heart rate was also a little elevated. So, I decided to hop back into the shower to help me relax. After the shower baby's heart rate was in the 180's and I was having these contractions that seemed to not let up and some tenderness on one side of my uterus where the placenta was attached. Due to this the midwife thought it might be wise to go into the hospital in case there was a placental issue. I was worried about this as well. I am a homebirth midwife myself. So, we got into the car and drove to the hospital. The ride was horrendous. My contractions were so intense and I was basically screaming through them. My 14 year old DD and 5 year old DD were in the back seat. We went to a smaller hospital. They actually had no one else in labor. When they heard I was a homebirth transport we got some of the usual rolling of the eyes. Got into the room, the nurse wanted me to lay down so they could put the monitors on. I could not lay down because I was hurting so bad. So, they held the heart rate monitor up to me, got a reading, it was normal. By this time I was yelling for pain medicine. Not like me at all but I was so outside of myself at this point. The nurse checked me and said I was complete and to just push the baby out. I was yelling, I can't do this. My mom was with me and she had drug free births as well and she said, of course you can do this. I will push with you. So, I climbed onto the bed on hands and knees and held onto my husband who was in front of me and my mom stood beside me and she grunted and groaned through each contraction too, and three contractions my baby came. The nurse caught her. The doctor they called in had not even arrived yet. As soon as I felt her come out my midwife had the nurse pass the baby between my legs and I grabbed her up. We had no interventions. They waited to cut the cord until I instructed. The doctor arrived about 10 minutes after the birth. She was not even an OB which was awesome. She helped me with the placenta and we instructed them that we would take it home. Not a problem. They placed it in a bucket for us. The doctor did a quick exam of the baby. And we checked out of the hospital 2 hours later AMA and it was not a fight at all. The nurse actually laughed when she brought in the AMA paperwork because they had not even gotten me admitted to the hospital yet. And I walked out the door with my baby in my arms. I literally had walked in the hospital, they checked the baby's heart rate, I pushed her out, peed in their toilet and walked out. The only instrument we even used off the delivery cart was the scissors to cut the cord. I am not sure if the hospital was just shell shocked at me and did not know what to do with me or if the people working that night were generally respectful of people's choices.

So here is where I have mixed feelings. I so wanted my other 2 daughters to experience a beautiful homebirth. I of course had all of these day dreams in my head where I push my baby out in the bedroom she was created in and everything is serene and quiet. I did not think I would end up the screaming banchy who was yelling for pain meds at the end. This was my 3rd baby, I had never done that before so why did I act this way now? Both my girls did watch the birth and thought it was really neat. I am also not shy about my feelings on homebirth and I would tell anyone that would listen how my baby's are born at home and how it is so great etc. And now when people start asking how the birth went I can't tell them how she was born at home. I am now a homebirth transport and I feel like I will get the negative comments about how this is why people should not try to give birth at home.

I feel like my body would not relax and give up the baby. I was holding on so tight and clenching my muscles and she could not descend. Why did my body do that? And now I think if I could just go back and redo it, if I could have just relaxed and pushed she would have been born at home.

She is nursing great and I am enjoying her so much. I just want to cry over her birth though.

Lisa
Georgetown HB Mom is offline  
#2 of 14 Old 04-19-2010, 08:02 AM
 
loveneverfails's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,251
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Lisa, don't second guess yourself. Those signs (higher heart rate, strong contractions, tenderness over placental attachment site) *are* concerning. Just because a serious abruption hadn't happened yet doesn't mean it wasn't in the making, and that your body didn't know what it was doing to keep you and your daughter safe. You made a good call here. And don't feel guilty about not having put on the "right" appearance for your older daughters!

Logically knowing that an intervention free birth in the hospital is still a good outcome is far from being emotionally ok with it, and I'd feel the same way. You've still got a lot of hormonal changes going on too, and that's difficult to cope with without having something like transfer for warning signs of abruption.

Be gentle with yourself, Mom. And enjoy that baby girly!!!

Catholic wife in love.gifwith my husband, mom to superhero.gifx5,  babygirl.gifx2, angel1.gifx6. Birther of babes, baker of bread, and connoisseur of human folly. WINNER OF THE SILVER BIRTH STOOL, APRIL 2010 DDC! Happily hospital birthing with my BFF, Epidural Man.
loveneverfails is offline  
#3 of 14 Old 04-19-2010, 08:47 AM
 
briome's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 350
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It is very easy to play "coulda shoulda woulda". I think that for a homebirth transfer yours is IDEAL.......not perfect of course, that ride in the car sounds uncomfortable, but you were in and out and were minimally bothered. If your girls saw that ,then it isn't to shabby! I think your transfer is how it should be done when one is needed, I have expereinced the other side where you are treatened with CPS and have security guards trailing you!

I don't want to minimise your feelings, as I am sure I would feel that same way and would be cursing WTF under my breath. We took our 2day old to the hospital last birth because he was just over temp a bit, REALLY wish we had not done that. IT was hell and he was fine (just slightly dehydrated). Anyway, keep processing, hugs!
briome is offline  
#4 of 14 Old 04-19-2010, 09:10 AM
 
mom2happy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 992
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
You did a great job.
There is a difference between having a homebirth and being a "tough guy". Hanging in when you really feel like something is wrong would be at whose expense? You have already done it twice and your instincts told you something was different about this one. There might have been something going on that resolved itself- You'll never know.
Everything worked out and you just have to trust yourself.
mom2happy is offline  
#5 of 14 Old 04-19-2010, 10:14 AM
 
finn'smama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: home...
Posts: 2,198
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I know how you feel. My second was a hb transfer because there was meconium when my water broke. It went perfect, baby was healthy and we were home 3 hours after he was born. Similar to you. And it's so easy to say I should've stayed home because things turned out fine, but now that I've had three years to process it I think I made the right decision. And I think you did too.
And congratulations!

Mama to Finn (04/05) Arlo (04/07) and Henry (04/10)
finn'smama is offline  
#6 of 14 Old 04-19-2010, 11:14 AM
 
Carita's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Rural
Posts: 2,194
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
after reflecting on niki's birth & my own, seems like not all births can be alike. and especially these OP births or where something is wrong... maybe you needed to car ride to shift her position?

((hugs))

~ Professor Mama to Gabito (July '07) & Danita (April '10) ~
A PhD = + +
Carita is offline  
#7 of 14 Old 04-19-2010, 01:34 PM
 
crazyeight's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 2,840
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
i may not have transferred to the hospital but i know exactly how you feel (i was already there; wanted a birth center birth). for some reason 3rds can be a difficult bunch. i'll attest to it! i clenched a lot as well pushing. i SCREAMED at myself to LET GO LET GO LET GO i clenched so badly even though i knew the pushing was starting. i know that i was clenching cause i was so scared. i was stressed out over so many things in my labor that when the pushing started i hadn't let go of the fear of c/s or lots of interventions. as for why your body did it could be that carita is right and the car ride shifted her. i'm glad that you had an almost perfect transfer, got out of there without hardly even touching the floor let alone their equipment and had a healthy outcome with nothing going wrong. OTOH it's ok to mourn and be sad. i guess i am just telling myself that pregnancy and labor prepare us to never really be in control.

congrats on your baby and if you need to cry hold her and cry!
crazyeight is offline  
#8 of 14 Old 04-19-2010, 01:53 PM
 
Dena's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: In a state of confusion
Posts: 3,298
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by loveneverfails View Post


Lisa, don't second guess yourself. Those signs (higher heart rate, strong contractions, tenderness over placental attachment site) *are* concerning. Just because a serious abruption hadn't happened yet doesn't mean it wasn't in the making, and that your body didn't know what it was doing to keep you and your daughter safe. You made a good call here. And don't feel guilty about not having put on the "right" appearance for your older daughters!

Logically knowing that an intervention free birth in the hospital is still a good outcome is far from being emotionally ok with it, and I'd feel the same way. You've still got a lot of hormonal changes going on too, and that's difficult to cope with without having something like transfer for warning signs of abruption.

Be gentle with yourself, Mom. And enjoy that baby girly!!!
This.

First, congratulations on a beautiful, healthy girl!

Second, is it possible that your body sensed something might be going sideways and just did not feel comfortable letting baby girl into the world until it knew you were in a place where she could be cared for?

I think you made a good call, too, but that doesn't mean you won't need time to come to terms with what happened.

Wife to Thomas, WAH mama to Sofia Rose 8/04, Ellen Marie 10/07, her twin sister Amalie Joy lost 7/07 , and Maya Grace and Hannah Miriam 4/10
Dena is offline  
#9 of 14 Old 04-19-2010, 02:16 PM
 
Peace+Hope's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,160
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
oh, congratulations on your sweet little girl.

i think what your daughters can learn from this birth is that a responsible midwife and homebirthing family know when to err on the side of caution.

i was convinced having to birth in the hospital meant i was giving up beauty for my birth. instead, through the process i found intense beauty everywhere.

be gentle with yourself, experience all the feelings you need to, and maybe open to some beauty that was present too.


me+him for 15 yrs, welcomed our little one march 25th, 2010.

Peace+Hope is offline  
#10 of 14 Old 04-19-2010, 03:42 PM
 
DoulaAlicia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: SE Michigan
Posts: 573
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I do understand! I think as birth professionals we are even MORE particular about our own births than the non-birth professional particular Moms.

But you know what, I came to tears reading the part about how your Mom encouraged you to push and told you that you could absolutely do this. That is a really beautiful moment that likely wouldn't have happened unless you went to the hospital.

Also you can now give even more support to clients than ever before. You are a sum of your experiences and now you've had a transfer. And not for a silly reason but for good reasons. What would you have done with yourself if you had ignored that intuition and something happened to your baby? You did what you thought was safest for your LO in those moments. And you shouldn't be embarrassed about that story.

And for your children you showed them that while homebirth is safe and that you prefer it that you also are not too stubborn to admit that hospitals ARE good for emergencies or when people are not well. I know people that are so hard up on their beliefs that they would injure themselves or their children to prove that "natural" is always the way. And I think that is going too far.

I can understand why you are frustrated.......but I hope you come to a place where you are content with what happened.

I had my homebirth but I am so darn pissed that I stayed perfectly tranquil through the whole labor until my water broke and baby started barreling down the birth canal. I lost all my composure. And then I finally get to push a baby out on my own without hospitals yelling at me to "push push push" and what do I do? I start yelling that I can't do it and only get his head half out. Then the shoulders get stuck for a couple minutes too! And I YELL for the midwife to pull him out when I wanted to deliver completely alone without anyone touching us. And then I go and practically bleed to death and have weeks of recovery where I can't enjoy the postpartum period with my kids/family like I imagined.....we all have our frustrations. We can't be perfect. These births are what they were meant to be.

Mother to FOUR BOYS!!  Austin (1997) Luke (2005) Mason (2007) and Judah (2010), wife to Joe, doula to many, and Birthing From Within Mentor in SE Michigan
DoulaAlicia is offline  
#11 of 14 Old 04-19-2010, 06:27 PM
 
nikirj's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Washington
Posts: 4,952
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


I really liked what Alicia had to say.

I've never been able to say that I had all my children at home. Instead, I've been able to tell women that I've done birth in several different ways and it was incredible each time.

For you, this doesn't have to be a story of why homebirth doesn't work. It can be a story of how women and their babies stay safe during a homebirth, about how competent you and other midwives are at keeping that safety intact, even above your wanting so badly to be able to say you'd had all your babies at home.

I had a beautiful, straightforward, peaceful birth for my third. And then this time I was thrown a bit of a curveball (a friend described it as a "sneak attack labor," it brings to mind cats stalking their prey...a little closer...a little closer...WHAM). There's a part of me that wants to say "you should have known better," but really, that isn't true. My labor and birth were what they were and second-guessing anything now would just lead to a really nonproductive headspace. At the time, things seemed what they seemed, and if I with the level of knowledge and experience I have couldn't see something a certain way, it just wasn't supposed to be seen that way. That might not be true for everyone, for every birth, but it absolutely was for mine.

Mama, homeschooler, midwife. DD (13yo), DS (11yo), DD (8yo), DD (3yo), somebody new coming in November 2013.

nikirj is offline  
#12 of 14 Old 04-21-2010, 12:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
Georgetown HB Mom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 520
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Wow, thank you all so much for your very wise and kind words. I so needed to hear many of the supportive remarks you all made and to hear that I am not the only one out there that has mixed feelings over how their birth went. It is so very true that pregnancy, birth and raising children really does teach you that ultimately you are not in control, you can only do the best with what you have and love your children and remember the joy and happiness they bring. This is my 3rd baby and I find myself staring at her like she was my first and I can not believe that this perfect, beautiful, wonderful creature was created within my own body. Such an amazing process.

Thank you all again for helping me put my thoughts into perspective.

Lisa
Georgetown HB Mom is offline  
#13 of 14 Old 04-21-2010, 02:46 AM
 
claddaghmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 4,074
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Congratulations, mama! Gosh I hope this doesn't come out wrong but wow! You are so lucky! Everyone left you alone, no interventions and you got the placenta and left ASAP...that is so so fortunate. I have people in my local area who were forced into c-sections, who had the baby vaccinated and formula fed despite numerous non-consent forms and arguing, who were stitched up on purpose w/o pain relief, etc.

I planned an UC w/ DD and it ended up being a MW HB. And I've had to process the same contradictory feelings. On the one hand, as I emphasized above, wow! I went against a lot of odds. My DD was very malpositioned, macrosomic and I had a very long labor with pelvic issues from sports injuries. And other than tearing, she and I were fine and had a peaceful birth. But still...still...I had my heart set on a husband/wife birth and I feel forever "in two worlds" because my birth story is not my birth desire. I find myself in UC groups trying to explain that I want to be there while at the same time, yes, I had a MW help us.

One thing to remember is that this is not uncommon at all. You will find a welcome community, online and IRL. Women everywhere have had experiences they didn't want or didn't expect. I know for my county alone in one year, there were 45 home births and 190 transfers. So mamas are out there trying to process this and sort through it and still show their passion for home birth.

And I think if you want to turn it into a positive aspect when advocating for homebirth, you can do that by pointing out that a homebirth is not an end all be all. You are in charge. You are tuned in to your body and you baby's body and it's a simple car ride to take advantage of allopathic care. Lots of people I meet seem to think that if you choose homebirth, you're up a creek without a paddle. It's weird but they never ever put together the concept that you can just get in your car and drive to a hospital. Having that experience might help others.


Best of luck in processing your birth and go enjoy your babymoon!

Mama to expecting Babe 2
claddaghmom is offline  
#14 of 14 Old 04-23-2010, 12:14 AM - Thread Starter
 
Georgetown HB Mom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 520
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by claddaghmom View Post
Congratulations, mama! Gosh I hope this doesn't come out wrong but wow! You are so lucky! Everyone left you alone, no interventions and you got the placenta and left ASAP...that is so so fortunate. I have people in my local area who were forced into c-sections, who had the baby vaccinated and formula fed despite numerous non-consent forms and arguing, who were stitched up on purpose w/o pain relief, etc.

I planned an UC w/ DD and it ended up being a MW HB. And I've had to process the same contradictory feelings. On the one hand, as I emphasized above, wow! I went against a lot of odds. My DD was very malpositioned, macrosomic and I had a very long labor with pelvic issues from sports injuries. And other than tearing, she and I were fine and had a peaceful birth. But still...still...I had my heart set on a husband/wife birth and I feel forever "in two worlds" because my birth story is not my birth desire. I find myself in UC groups trying to explain that I want to be there while at the same time, yes, I had a MW help us.

One thing to remember is that this is not uncommon at all. You will find a welcome community, online and IRL. Women everywhere have had experiences they didn't want or didn't expect. I know for my county alone in one year, there were 45 home births and 190 transfers. So mamas are out there trying to process this and sort through it and still show their passion for home birth.

And I think if you want to turn it into a positive aspect when advocating for homebirth, you can do that by pointing out that a homebirth is not an end all be all. You are in charge. You are tuned in to your body and you baby's body and it's a simple car ride to take advantage of allopathic care. Lots of people I meet seem to think that if you choose homebirth, you're up a creek without a paddle. It's weird but they never ever put together the concept that you can just get in your car and drive to a hospital. Having that experience might help others.


Best of luck in processing your birth and go enjoy your babymoon!
Thank you for your thoughts. And no, it did not come out wrong. I know how lucky I was to avoid all the interventions. And it helps so much to know that other women out there are processing the same feelings as I am.

Lisa
Georgetown HB Mom is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off