for those of us who had gender shock... - Mothering Forums

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Old 06-22-2010, 07:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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earlier in our DDC, we had some good discussions about fears and/or regrets about having one gender or the other.

i was wondering how everyone is doing who had the opposite of what they wanted, or thought they wanted ...


i really wanted and thought i was going to have a little girl, and waited to find out. when charlie came out and we flipped him over, we said, a BOY!?! we were laughing and totally pleased!

but, even that day, my husband said, i feel like there's a little girl out there we haven't met. and even though i LOVE charlie, sometimes i look at him and think, oh my goodness, where is my little girl??

it's hard to sort out the feelings of loving what i have 100% and also being a little bit sad...

as far as the fears i had about raising a boy, those have dissapeared! somehow now he's just a little person who i'll love and raise and guide, and i'm excited about every day... and honored to be his mom...

me+him for 15 yrs, welcomed our little one march 25th, 2010.

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Old 06-22-2010, 07:40 PM
 
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Hmm. On one hand, I know Becky was the baby I was meant to have, and she is loved and needed in our family. On the other hand, I am still a little peeved that she's not the little boy I thought was joining us. It puts a lot of pressure on me, since it will be up to me whether we decide to try for a boy or not. I honestly can not imagine going through another hard pregnancy and then parenting another newborn (who could be a girl!), BUT at the same time, I can't imagine not having our little boy. It just would have been so much more convenient if Becky had been a boy,

So really, the issue isn't about Becky at all - she is who she is, and I am thrilled she is in our family - it's that I have no idea what our family is going to look like in 10 years, and feeling overwhelmed that my vote is the deciding vote.

Ivory, partner to Tom, mama to Ella (12/9/05), Alice (12/8/07), and our newest addition, Rebecca (4/1/10).
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Old 06-22-2010, 10:16 PM
 
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Thanks for this thread! I was just thinking about this the other day.

For me, Sprout is just Sprout. He seems like just the person he's supposed to be. I can't imagine him being a girl; I can't even imagine him with the other name we'd thought about giving him!

Every once in a while, I look at him and try to imagine -- if he were a girl, would I be thinking of him differently now? Like, am I treating him differently or seeing him differently simply by gender? And, I think yes.... but not in any way that concerns me. It really helps that he's starting to develop a personality.

Now my parents (especially my mom).... who wanted a boy but didn't have one... they are TOTALLY into the boy sterotypes. To an extent that annoys me! My mom keeps mentioning how much Sprout will like trucks and buying him "boy toys". They don't treat DD as a girly-girl, but Sprout... yeah, he gets the capital-b Boy treatment.

Jen, former sys admin and current geek , wife to DH , SAHM and Montessori homeschool teacher to DD "Nugget" (05/07) and new arrival DS "Sprout" (03/31/10)
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Old 06-22-2010, 10:18 PM
 
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I claimed to have wanted a boy for most of my pregnancy. I thought that was what I wanted but as the pregnancy progressed I kept dreaming I was having a girl. It hit me at some point I was dreaming this because really I wanted another girl. I felt pretty guilty about this desire as my ds wanted a boy so bad and I was afraid he'd interpret my desire for a girl as a negative on him. I was OVERJOYED when H said "We have another girl!" I feel bad sometimes as I know ds wanted a brother but he's so in love with R and she already thinks he's the best Of course if I mention having another baby, ds says "Your body is only able to produce girls."

Mama to Umberto 12, Camille, 9, Piper 7, Rowena 2, and Jude Therese Prenatal DS diagnosis due December 23.

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Old 06-22-2010, 11:55 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ivymae View Post
Hmm. On one hand, I know Becky was the baby I was meant to have, and she is loved and needed in our family. On the other hand, I am still a little peeved that she's not the little boy I thought was joining us. It puts a lot of pressure on me, since it will be up to me whether we decide to try for a boy or not. I honestly can not imagine going through another hard pregnancy and then parenting another newborn (who could be a girl!), BUT at the same time, I can't imagine not having our little boy. It just would have been so much more convenient if Becky had been a boy,

So really, the issue isn't about Becky at all - she is who she is, and I am thrilled she is in our family - it's that I have no idea what our family is going to look like in 10 years, and feeling overwhelmed that my vote is the deciding vote.
This sounds a lot like me. We didn't find out in advance, but I was sure we'd have a boy. There's a lot of pressure, not from my DH, but from my FIL. My DH is super hands-off about baby decisions. He says it's not up to him, since I have to do all the gestating and birthing. It's pretty difficult to get input out of him at all, and it's a bit of a mental burden, knowing it all lies on me.
Despite being somewhat sure that I'm done, I keep having thoughts about a future boy, as if it's a done deal, not just one possibility of many.

Mama to a couple of full-moon caul-bearing rockstar girls:
9yo and brand new as of 4/28/10!
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Old 06-23-2010, 01:17 AM
 
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as far as the fears i had about raising a boy, those have dissapeared! somehow now he's just a little person who i'll love and raise and guide, and i'm excited about every day... and honored to be his mom...
So far, I definitely feel this, too. I'm not worried so much about the future; I'm enjoying him as a little baby for now.

However, I still struggle a lot-- a LOT-- when people project gender stereotypes onto him. My DD loves to wear dresses, but she loves to play in the mud; everyone thinks that is just adorable. If Ds were playing with a doll, we would definitely get some comments (and if he were playing in the mud, they would say, "Oh, that's just like a boy!" Seems a lot like DD, to me!) It makes me sad. I try to say things like, "Well, if he wanted to be a pediatrician when he grows up, would that bother anyone? So why shouldn't he play with dolls?" But they all think I'm naive.

When I mentioned to my Dad that I was reading some books about Rose Wilder to DD, and that I would be reading them to DS also, my Dad SCOFFED and said, "oh, come on--" with the implication that it would be sissifying. The books are written by a man

So-- I love my son, I can't imagine him not being here. But it makes me sad that my family (and everyone else in the world, it seems) has such strong preconceived ideas about him because he's a boy. And it bothers me for DD, too, honestly.

Aspiring to 1 Thessalonians 4:11.Wife to Dh, 2004. Mother to DD 3/07.
So thankful for our healthy baby boy, born Easter morning, 2010!
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Old 06-23-2010, 01:28 AM
 
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It is going exactly as I thought - I love DD2 to pieces, I can't imagine life without her or with a boy instead of her. I'm kicking myself for spending so much of my pregnancy being upset about her "girl-ness". The only thing I do feel is that I'm not done having kids yet and I don't know if I would feel that way if DD2 was a boy. If she was then perhaps my family would feel complete? I don't feel it is now but unless some miracle occurs our family is complete. DH is 100% completely deadset against a 3rd kid. He knows I want another and if he changes his mind someday then so be it, but I'm not going to badger him about it. I can't get past the what-ifs of having a 3rd who is not 100% wanted by DH - what if the baby has disabilities, what if it is twins, etc? I would forever feel like it was my fault and I think it would really screw our marriage.

Mom to Morgan 4-3-06 and announcing Baby Kelsey 4-11-10
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Old 06-23-2010, 02:20 AM
 
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i'm doing well. i was more scared about the boyness making him less my son and not being able to love him the way i do my other children because of his dad and the whole "sins of the father" kind of thing. obviously that is something in the future but my son is MY son and i do feel better about it. in fact R is more healing, loving, connecting than my other kids! i also had been debating on abortion or not in the first weeks and oddly enough (are we all mentally connected or what?!) i was thinking yesterday about this stuff! thinking that i'm glad that i have him not just because i love him but he has healed and proven to me things that i doubted about myself.

i still would like to have another but bf is snipped (before he met me) so there's not a lot of chance to have another! however with his 2 boys here i am actually feeling quite complete with my family which i never expected to honestly feel even if i had birthed all 5 myself! however i also am still completely in love with my girl name but i am not sure that i actually feel a little girl out there for me.

oh and i feel a little weird saying this but i constantly forget R's name. honest! everyone does as it's a little weird but his own mom! he is just my baby, the baby, my son and its not that he should have another name either....so weird.

gtg~ you better tell your son that its DADDYS fault you're only having girls!
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Old 06-24-2010, 06:08 PM
 
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but, even that day, my husband said, i feel like there's a little girl out there we haven't met. and even though i LOVE charlie, sometimes i look at him and think, oh my goodness, where is my little girl??
This is SO me as well! I often look at Hamish and think 'where is my little girl'? Its hard as well as Hamish looks VERY much like ME! Duncan looked very much like Daddy. But Hamish is so much more me (just how I would picture my little girl! lol)! - And even though DH doesn't want more than two, I still feel there is another child out there for me - waiting for me. I don't think I am done and I know I will never feel 'done'.

I love what I have 100% - and I feel sad as well. I wouldn't feel sad, if I knew DH wanted more. If he told me right here and right now 'lets have more children!' - I would be happy. Because I know that someday, somehow, we will have more (because I would still want a similar large age gap! lol). And even knowing that it could be another boy wouldn't make me upset ...I just don't feel done. I still havn't had my vaginal birth. (and then I think - well I could be a surrogate and get that...and maybe I could. I know I could totally be a host surrogate just fine... but having gained a vaginal birth, I don't think I could give the baby up because they would mean so much for me - giving me so much healing... totally different topic though!).

I am very happy to have another boy. I think in the long run, Duncan would prefer a brother. He often tells me 'But I wanted Hamish to be a girl...' ...but there has been nothing but patience and love with him between the two of us. Of course that will change I am sure when Hamish is crawling around drooling all over his Lightin McQueen cars! lol

With Duncan - being my first - I had fears of rasising a boy. Heck - I had fears of just changing his nappy! hehe ...So I am not new to boys this time around. But I really did think it was a girl. Everything was SO different. The heartrate (Ds being near 170 - Hs was always low 140s!). The shape of my bump! (D was round and all over - H was all up front and up and down! hehe)... Morning sickness, cravings...you name it! Every-single-thing-was-different! But he looks so different as well! When I first saw him, one of my first thoughts was 'This cant be my SON! - He looks NOTHING like Duncan!' lol And he is nothing like Duncan - they are so different! And I am glad they are. My biggest fear of having another boy had nothing to do with how much I would be disapointed to not have a girl, it had more to do with feeling like I would be 'replacing' Duncan because he was my boy. I didn't want Duncan to feel like I had replaced him either. Easier to feel, I think, with same sex children. But they are so different, how could I possibly replace him! - I am just so lucky to have two healthy and very beauitful boys!

Mummy me : > Thats Ann! and my beautiful SONS Duncanand Hamish 19/09/05 & 22/04/10!
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Old 06-24-2010, 08:29 PM
 
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I can't say that part of me doesn't still want a girl in the future with now FOUR boys. But I do so much love my family now and feel very complete. My fourth boy is unique just like all the others are different from one another and I love it! We have our own special relationship and it is fantastic.

I do feel bad for my boys that I could not provide them a sister though. And that is weird. But I feel a girl may bring some calm around here that they may never experience. I was hoping they would learn partly how special women were by watching a girl go through life.

My 5 yr. old Luke wanted a sister.....and so I feel the worst for him. But now when I say that we don't have any sisters he says, "But we have you Mom!" and that makes me feel loved.

The plan is that we are done so I guess we will have to be complete with the four penis's we have.

Mother to FOUR BOYS!!  Austin (1997) Luke (2005) Mason (2007) and Judah (2010), wife to Joe, doula to many, and Birthing From Within Mentor in SE Michigan
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Old 06-25-2010, 02:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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so great to read all your thoughts! each one of our experiences is so unique, yet similar enough to feel connected and encouraged .

anne, charlie looks so much like me too! it's kinda scary sometimes

jenfl, i identify with your "sprout is just sprout." charlie is just himself, and i love him wihtout even thinking about his gender most of the time.

mpp, i've been enough of a prickly pear over the years that people close to me are tiptoeing on the boy thing i think . my BIL doesn't know my angry, resentful-of-gender-differences-being-harped-on days, and so i feel more of that from him. i hope both of us can feel confident that we can provide, positively and not negatively or out of fear, the opportunities and encouragement for our little guys (and your daughter) to be well-rounded and pursue their own interests unhindered. i am hoping that because charlie will spend most of his time with us for the first few years, that will become part of him!

me+him for 15 yrs, welcomed our little one march 25th, 2010.

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Old 07-04-2010, 05:06 AM
 
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I couldn't imagine life without Jennings.

I too struggle with the stereotypes though I bite my tongue quite a bit. The thing with J is though, he is a very high needs baby and I feel this will carry over into being a toddler and even a preschooler. He is VERY dramatic.
I do wish for a girl still, but I am glad I am experiencing a boy. I can't see what the future holds for us, but for now, he is perfect and I couldn't live without him.

p.s.
He is way stinkier and way dirtier than campbell ever was. I have NO IDEA how this tiny 9lb baby gets so dirty, but somehow he manages it and he has way more baths than I think I gave campbell...yuck..he starts stinking.

no circ/vax-babywearer-cosleeping-pumping/breastfeeding-homeschooling single mama to Junebug , Sugarbug and expecting
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Old 07-04-2010, 06:30 AM
 
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Oh no Ericka.... DS1 was an EASY baby. But as a four year old (near five) - he is VERY dramatic! (so much so we joked we were going to get him a 'drama queen' tshirt! ) lmao....

Apparently - high needs babies make easier toddlers/children!

Mummy me : > Thats Ann! and my beautiful SONS Duncanand Hamish 19/09/05 & 22/04/10!
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Old 07-04-2010, 01:32 PM
 
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Oh no Ericka.... DS1 was an EASY baby. But as a four year old (near five) - he is VERY dramatic! (so much so we joked we were going to get him a 'drama queen' tshirt! ) lmao....

Apparently - high needs babies make easier toddlers/children!
really? I hope so. I would say my daughter was an easy baby, but my friends tell me otherwise when they catch me in a sentence of "campbell was so much easier", they remind me she really wasn't. At 4, she is a DRAMA QUEEN and a very high needs preschooler.
I just roll with it though. They are my life. If he is high needs, then he is. Atleast I'll have experience to handle it.
Granted the poor baby has so many medical issues.

no circ/vax-babywearer-cosleeping-pumping/breastfeeding-homeschooling single mama to Junebug , Sugarbug and expecting
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Old 07-04-2010, 01:41 PM
 
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I'm DDC, but just wanted to say that this is such a wonderful thread!

He who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe is as good as dead; his eyes are closed.  ~Albert Einstein
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Old 07-04-2010, 02:53 PM
 
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Apparently - high needs babies make easier toddlers/children!
I'm gonna have to disagree with you on that one My high needs baby is now a demanding 3 y/o. This babe seems to be the same way. We'll see what the future holds for both of them...

Amanda: Christian, wife to musician DH since 2002, mom to intact & vax free "monkey" DS1 since 12/21/06, and "lovey" DS2 5/17/10! WINNER OF THE GOLDEN BIRTH STOOL, APRIL 2010 DDC!
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Old 07-04-2010, 04:34 PM
 
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my gender shock was different from all of yours, as I deseperately wanted the gender that I got, but was in a state of denial/worry my entire pregnancy that it would be wrong. Well, he is definitely all boy, and I couldn't be more thrilled. In fact, I think I will take all more boys from here on out, k? LOL.

"The most important work you and I will ever do will be within the walls of our own homes." -Harold B. Lee
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