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#121 of 166 Old 07-08-2010, 10:11 PM
 
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lnf andf jen, my heart goes out to you. I don't know how much good it really does, but I'm sending you loads of s.

You can't fault yourself for not knowing the very information that was deliberately withheld from you. You can't fault yourself for doing what a supposed expert said was the only way to keep your baby alive.
On top of everything you were going through, you had just given birth! Your body was on about the strongest hormonal rollercoaster it ever gets naturally, and then you had all of this added stress, panic, fear, insult, separation, and disruption to deal with on top of it.
You did everything you knew to be best according to the information you were given. Who could do more than that?
You didn't fail, you fought the whole time, and I'm amazed that you still had the strength to do that.

The fact that you were lied to deliberately (and illegally) is no fault of yours.
This.

And loads of to both of you. Fwiw, though we had a very different experience in the NICU with our oldest (we actually had a dr. that advocated FOR us, to get her out of there sooner, and since she was in charge, she got her way), it still took me a couple of years to get over the birth and the circumstances after it. I blamed myself for a LONG time for her being born sick, and every illness, every fall triggered flashbacks and tremendous stress. Talk therapy and cranio sacral work helped me a lot.

LNF, my daughter still talks about Ellen's twin, Amalie, who died three years ago. I think it is something that will always be with us. Feel free to pm me if you want to talk about Nicholas.

Wife to Thomas, WAH mama to Sofia Rose 8/04, Ellen Marie 10/07, her twin sister Amalie Joy lost 7/07 , and Maya Grace and Hannah Miriam 4/10
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#122 of 166 Old 07-08-2010, 10:35 PM
 
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lnf andf jen, my heart goes out to you. I don't know how much good it really does, but I'm sending you loads of s.

You can't fault yourself for not knowing the very information that was deliberately withheld from you. You can't fault yourself for doing what a supposed expert said was the only way to keep your baby alive.
On top of everything you were going through, you had just given birth! Your body was on about the strongest hormonal rollercoaster it ever gets naturally, and then you had all of this added stress, panic, fear, insult, separation, and disruption to deal with on top of it.
You did everything you knew to be best according to the information you were given. Who could do more than that?
You didn't fail, you fought the whole time, and I'm amazed that you still had the strength to do that.

The fact that you were lied to deliberately (and illegally) is no fault of yours.
Yes, this 100%.

to both of you. I can't even begin to understand what you went through, but if you need to vent, even at 3am, I'm around.

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#123 of 166 Old 07-08-2010, 11:05 PM
 
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i fourth what laughing fox said!!!

miserable day going into town. dh must have done 10 uturns (because he wouldn't listen to my directions), dani was good going to town but it took us litterally 5 hrs to get back because we had to stop every 20 min and stop, change her, try to feed again, etc. she just would not nuruse until we got home at 6:30!! it was just suck suck, off suck suck, off... the whole afternoon. on the upside we put a deposit on a w/d, got more packing boxes, and interviewed a potential DCP (who has several yrs experience and only does infants, up to 2 at a time, so dani will get lots of one on one, provided we go that way and find a preschool for my son). to top it off, i broke a piece of my car while climbing over carseats and then DH spilled my full ice coffee in the middle of the grocery store. i'm exhausted.

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#124 of 166 Old 07-09-2010, 01:07 AM
 
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jenfl and lnf, s and ditto what everyone else is saying!

i've spent a lot of time obsessing about my pre-e, thinking maybe i really did cause it somehow, maybe that i wasn't, and my MWs were not, vigilant enough about my belly size, my BP rising. but then, there would not have been anything we could do since it really was pre-e. then i think, if we had been more aware, maybe we could have given charlie formula as soon as he came out to avoid the low blood sugar numbers that sent him to the NICU. i agonize over whether he really needed all that IV nutrition or not, what would have happened had we been able to stay for observation over his hematocrit, or do a bili blanket at home? aaaargggghhhhh..... it's neverending, and for ME, it comes down to lack of trust in the system, not really believing we would have been fine taking him home. but it's not really logical to think that... or is it?

i could really drive myself crazy over it

carita, woah, sorry for the terrible day! sounds so stressful!

me+him for 15 yrs, welcomed our little one march 25th, 2010.

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#125 of 166 Old 07-09-2010, 01:08 AM
 
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It's the first post on the thread, which would stay basically the same from thread to thread (so from week to week or month to month).

Like what we have on our birth announcements thread.

P&H, maybe you should post a thread about this before the DDC closes down, and then the first weekly or monthly thread in LWAB won't be inundated with that info.
great idea! i'm going to watch the march thread and see exactly when it goes down. when ours is close, i'll post an invite thread. other ideas for things we should include in our opening post?

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#126 of 166 Old 07-09-2010, 03:30 AM
 
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One of my favorite mothering mantras is that "we do better when we know better". It applies to the kids, but also to us. LNF, Jenfl, you trusted because you needed to trust - if you knew what you know now, you would have made different choices, but you made the right choices with the information you had.

Becky officially weighs 16.5 lbs, and is 24.5 inches long. Aka: she's huge. We're in 9 month clothes, and eyeballing the next size up. She's got to slow down soon or she'll outgrow her sister, who is 2.5 and in 12/18 month clothes.

I'm taking the day 'off' tomorrow - laying in bed all day with the air conditioner on, reading new library books, and letting the big girls watch as much TV as they can stomach. Today was bad. I feel like if I could just get one 'okay' day under my belt, where I feel capable of this mothering thing for the majority of the day, that things could turn around. Today was not that day. Maybe tomorrow?

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#127 of 166 Old 07-09-2010, 09:32 AM
 
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I hear everyone talking about how big their babies are (here and on the other DDC I am in on diaperswappers), and it sort of makes me worry about Cecilia. I know that she's growing on an okay curve for having started out at 6 lbs 3 oz, since she jumped percentiles between her 2 weeks and 2 month appointments, but I know of other babies who started out small and are way bigger now. Maybe I'm not supplementing her enough? But I offer her the supplementor at 99% of her feedings, and she drinks as much as she wants. Ugh, maybe I'm being stupid.

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#128 of 166 Old 07-09-2010, 09:55 AM
 
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I hear everyone talking about how big their babies are (here and on the other DDC I am in on diaperswappers), and it sort of makes me worry about Cecilia. I know that she's growing on an okay curve for having started out at 6 lbs 3 oz, since she jumped percentiles between her 2 weeks and 2 month appointments, but I know of other babies who started out small and are way bigger now. Maybe I'm not supplementing her enough? But I offer her the supplementor at 99% of her feedings, and she drinks as much as she wants. Ugh, maybe I'm being stupid.
L isn't a big baby, either. She's not tiny, but not big. And I think her growth has slowed down in the past month (that's what worries me!)

She's right about 12 pounds. And I read something the other day on kellymom saying that the average breastfed baby doubles birth weight by 3-4 months. Double her birth weight would be 15 pounds 2 ounces... i don't see her being anywhere near that any time soon.

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#129 of 166 Old 07-09-2010, 10:14 AM
 
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Ivy, I don't even know that I had any meaningful choices once we made the choice to take her to the hospital, which you need to do with a baby who stops breathing. I was pretty sure they were full of s*** about the duration of antibiotics and whether she had an infection, I fought it hard and literally got told "your line of reasoning is really persuasive. It's obvious that you're very intelligent, and I'd be happy to hear this argument from any of my residents. But she will have 10 days of antibiotics. I am not going to change my treatment plan."

And then I requested a consult from infectious disease to weigh in on the length of treatment with antibiotics, and I got literally screamed at by the attending and told it was a waste of hospital resources and he would not call for it.

It's just horrifying to strongly suspect that your treatment plan is full of s***, advocate for modifications that would be more tolerable, get treated horribly and then when you look at the records you get confirmation that the difficulties you went through never made sense in the first place because the diagnosis they gave you was not supported by the evidence.

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#130 of 166 Old 07-09-2010, 10:16 AM
 
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Aimee, my babies always chunk up very quickly and then stay the same or even drop weight past 6 months. And they stay around the 25-50th percentile after that. As long as she's on *her* growth curve, I think you're fine.

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#131 of 166 Old 07-09-2010, 12:05 PM
 
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L isn't a big baby, either. She's not tiny, but not big. And I think her growth has slowed down in the past month (that's what worries me!)

She's right about 12 pounds. And I read something the other day on kellymom saying that the average breastfed baby doubles birth weight by 3-4 months. Double her birth weight would be 15 pounds 2 ounces... i don't see her being anywhere near that any time soon.
S is now 12 pounds too. She was 6 lbs 2 oz at birth. Yesterday the LC told me babies are expected to double their weight by 6 months, so Lorelei is probably right on target

LNF - do you think you might really be suffering from PTSD? After everything you've been through, it sounds highly possible . I'm so sorry!

I still have this horrible all over itching - no rash, no relief. So I'm really thinking it's the Zoloft, no matter what the psychiatrist says. Sigh. Since it took several weeks to start working, it makes sense to me that it might've taken that time to start a reaction, too. I mean, it might not be that, but at this point I'm almost hoping it is because it's not going away otherwise! So now I'm back to square one with the itching AND the SSRI... I"m trying to stay optimistic that the itching will go away soon and that I can get PPD help via another drug. But this sucks.
Also strained my back picking up the 12 pound baby last night and it HURTS. Can't I catch a break?! Sorry for the whining. One more BIG job tomorrow and then a little time to relax (sort of).

In better news, our chubby girl only woke up once during the real part of the night the past 2 nights! Fingers crossed that she's getting to be a better sleeper (even though I itch too much to sleep...)
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#132 of 166 Old 07-09-2010, 12:16 PM
 
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It's just horrifying to strongly suspect that your treatment plan is full of s***, advocate for modifications that would be more tolerable, get treated horribly and then when you look at the records you get confirmation that the difficulties you went through never made sense in the first place because the diagnosis they gave you was not supported by the evidence.
It IS absolutely horrifying. i won't give the long version, but I've had a couple really messed up medical situations in the last five years, that have completely shattered my trust in doctors. I know logically that there are good ones out there, but once you are given advice that would have irreparably harmed you rather than helped you, it's impossible to go back. I am still really angry about it when I have time to sit and think about it, but compared to the anxiety/fury i felt about it at first, it's faded (unless of course i come across the medical records in the box).


And Aimee, our pediatrician said 6 months for doubling birth weight - Becky's just on one end of the curve, where my other daughter is on the other end. Both are healthy and happy, just not average.

Ivory, partner to Tom, mama to Ella (12/9/05), Alice (12/8/07), and our newest addition, Rebecca (4/1/10).
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#133 of 166 Old 07-09-2010, 12:23 PM
 
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Ok, that makes me feel better. Cecilia was 6 lbs 3 oz at birth, so doubled weight would be 12 lbs 6 oz, and she's currently 11 lbs at 3 months. Thanks ladies.

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#134 of 166 Old 07-09-2010, 12:53 PM
 
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Size - I have always been told that as long as they are growing and having normal poops, no worries. Both of my current babies are pretty small, though Hannah is probably about average given her birth weight - I am guessing she is about 9-10 lbs at this point. But I would be surprised if Maya is even 8 lbs. She is just teeny tiny. But she is alert, smiling, cooing, and hitting all the milestones - even better than Hannah, really. So we know she is healthy. Just a difference in kids. Interestingly, Maya is keeping up with her sister length wise - she is just super skinny.

Like Ivy, I have two older kids who are also on different ends of the spectrum. My oldest, who will be six next month, is just NOW going into 5T clothing, while the second, who is two and a half, has been wearing the 3Ts for a couple of months - clothes Sofia didn't wear till she was nearly three and a half. But both are healthy kids with healthy appetites. Sofia just had the luck to have my height genes, while Ellen got her dad's.

Wife to Thomas, WAH mama to Sofia Rose 8/04, Ellen Marie 10/07, her twin sister Amalie Joy lost 7/07 , and Maya Grace and Hannah Miriam 4/10
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#135 of 166 Old 07-09-2010, 01:38 PM
 
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I was going to just agree with what everyone else is saying Amiee. My first two were very small and didn't chunk out very fast. They're still both skinny (tall and skinny for my daughter). My son looks like he's starving but he does eat. And then my five year old is huge and looks like she's the same age as her older sister (they share clothes). R is a big girl but she's not quite doubled her weight (she'll be three months next week and she's at 15lbs and was 8.9 at birth). I'm not worried. She certainly doesn't look like she's hungry

Drs and trust: I have very little faith in the medical establishment. The crap we went through with my son makes me even less trusting. I know there are good drs out there but...basically I am tired of being treated like an idiot. I've told every dr. we've had since Umberto was a baby that I felt there was something wrong and have been laughed at, ignored, and condsended too. Even after his first big seizure, our family dr. didn't want to set us up with a neurologist. I had to insist. I've often felt guilty as well with U wondering if I should have pushed harder when he was younger, etc. I am such a wimp, and when I read you guys stories, about you stood up to the Drs, I am just in awe (and a little ashamed that I don't do the same).

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#136 of 166 Old 07-09-2010, 04:17 PM
 
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re weight gain, charlie doubled his weight by 8 weeks (from 4.7 to 9.6), but he had a LOT of catching up to do, diagnosed w/ IUGR as he was, in addition to being early. he only started fitting into the newborn imse vimse wrap diaper covers i have a couple of weeks ago, because he's not very wide. but the boy is TALL and very yummily chubby to my eyes. i should weigh and measure him, since he just turned 15 weeks yesterday just to see. i estimate him at 12 or 13 lbs.

there's such a wide range of normal and healthy! i keep meaning to ask you guys who'd know, when is it "usual" for weight gain to slow?

sewcrafty, jealous of your not getting your period for a year! i didn't make that milestone, boo. great you're getting giggles!

i still miss being pregnant.... i have a feeling if we'd started having kids earlier, we might have ended up with a baseball team!

me+him for 15 yrs, welcomed our little one march 25th, 2010.

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#137 of 166 Old 07-09-2010, 04:33 PM
 
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i still miss being pregnant.... i have a feeling if we'd started having kids earlier, we might have ended up with a baseball team!
I told dh this the other night and we started when I was 28 LOL. The thing is that none of my pregnancies and births were as wonderful as Rowena's. Now if they had been I suspect we'd have more than we already do which is scary considering we have four

Mama to Umberto 12, Camille, 9, Piper 7, Rowena 2, and Jude Therese Prenatal DS diagnosis due December 23.

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#138 of 166 Old 07-09-2010, 05:04 PM
 
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I just noticed something adorable.

Look at this ultrasound picture
http://www.flickr.com/photos/rhianno...7622445545102/

That is the EXACT stretch that she does when she first wakes up. Both arms to one side of her head. We must have disturbed her sleep for the ultrasound!

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#139 of 166 Old 07-09-2010, 05:19 PM
 
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Rhi, I've absolutely studied my U/S pictures, especially the 3D ones, and compared them to Cecilia. She looks so much like them, and has the same mannerisms, like her hands always being in her face and her sucking her lower lip in! It's so precious!

P+H, I miss being pregnant too! I'm so ready for #2, though I don't even think my body is ready!

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#140 of 166 Old 07-09-2010, 07:15 PM
 
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Mercy had her doctor appointment today for her 2 month check up. Her doctor is now basically agreeing that she probably never had an infection, and that her respiratory problems were caused by fluid overload and stress from probable placental abruption. So, I am feeling more vindicated right now.

The possibility of PTSD has occurred to me. I think I probably have "features" of PTSD, but i don't know that I reach the criteria for diagnosis. It was really helpful to me to feel listened to and like our doctor cared. He was asking the right questions in a way that showed he was listening and open to possibilities other than "neonatologists are always right!"

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#141 of 166 Old 07-09-2010, 07:51 PM
 
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Mercy had her doctor appointment today for her 2 month check up. Her doctor is now basically agreeing that she probably never had an infection, and that her respiratory problems were caused by fluid overload and stress from probable placental abruption. So, I am feeling more vindicated right now.

The possibility of PTSD has occurred to me. I think I probably have "features" of PTSD, but i don't know that I reach the criteria for diagnosis. It was really helpful to me to feel listened to and like our doctor cared. He was asking the right questions in a way that showed he was listening and open to possibilities other than "neonatologists are always right!"
Yay for caring, listening health care providers! Sadly, far too rare in our world. When I had some milder aspects of PTSD (flashbacks, nightmares, panic) after my birth trauma, I found that figuring out what exactly had happened helped a lot. Sounds like you're finding that for your situation too

AFM, pretty sure the Zoloft is causing my all over itching. Sigh. So now I have to titrate down to nothing and hope that the SAMe and other supplements will help keep me from falling back in the PPD hole. ARGH. The good news is that my herbalist thinks the SAMe was helping me more than the Zoloft, since it starts working earlier, but... I'm still feeling pretty fragile.

In other news - I wish this baby would stop blaming me for her inability to find her hands!
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#142 of 166 Old 07-09-2010, 08:15 PM
 
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I obviously have preemies, but they just stay small until a year.
Although at 5 months, C weighed more than what J does now. However, J was IUGR and we didn't expect him to weigh more than 3lbs at birth and he was.
At 1, C weighed 12lbs though. I feel J will surpass that, but at 5 months he isn't 10lbs. I am completely happy with it though. That's like 6lbs since birth!

They told me the average 3 month old weighs almost 17lbs when we were in the hospital..now that's crazy!

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#143 of 166 Old 07-09-2010, 08:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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lnf -- Glad your doc was supportive! Our ped was also very supportive of us; I think that if we'd taken Sprout in to see her the day he was born and had her to contact when things got weird that evening, we probably wouldn't have ended up in the hospital. As it was, she was willing to back us on getting out of the NICU on Saturday even if Sprout's respiratory rate wasn't down to exactly normal. Having that support helped a LOT.

AFM -- May have to miss the nurse-in tomorrow. Apparently, it's at a very popular park that often fills up, so they recommend getting there at opening to be guarenteed to get in -- and opening is 8am! We live an hour away and, because of DH's work schedule, wouldn't even be able to leave the house until 9am. I'm not going to drag two kids in the car for an hour if we won't even be able to participate.

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#144 of 166 Old 07-09-2010, 08:29 PM
 
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They told me the average 3 month old weighs almost 17lbs when we were in the hospital..now that's crazy!
Yikes - Becky is 3 months and 16.5 lbs, and in the 98th percentile. Average would be the 50th percentile, so I'm thinking someone was pulling stats out of their bum.

Today has been a rollercoaster. I just want one calm, level day! gah! I'm going to look into SAMe - how much are you taking Jess? (I have a herbalist appointment in TWO weeks - gah again!)

Ivory, partner to Tom, mama to Ella (12/9/05), Alice (12/8/07), and our newest addition, Rebecca (4/1/10).
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#145 of 166 Old 07-09-2010, 09:45 PM
 
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percentiles: Those charts are pretty darn old. I don't have the link at the moment, but I once read a study that found that 40% of kids nowadays are above the 75% mark.

This baby has been a big silly today. She's refusing to finish her bottles, and then getting hungry again after it's been too long for the bottle to be good anymore, so I have to make another one. I'm making smaller amounts per bottle at the moment (and I'll make more if she finishes it), but man, it's annoying.

She's in a really good mood and has been super active today, so I don't think anything's wrong, she's just being difficult. Silly girl.

Mama to a couple of full-moon caul-bearing rockstar girls:
9yo and brand new as of 4/28/10!
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#146 of 166 Old 07-09-2010, 11:05 PM
 
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i hope they DON"T redo the charts...i think it should say something that AVERAGE weight is now the higher %ile and how long it has taken to do that etc. i have been paying attention to how much a friends FF baby is weighing. they are only 10 weeks apart. i think her ds is up to 15 lbs and last time i weighed r he was 13 lbs and i'm betting 14 or even 15 now but her ds looks soooo much fatter...like all the fat they are supposed to have is different than r's. r is good and filled out but he is NOT fat where as her ds looks like a fat fat baby.

erica~ i really can't imagine a 12 lb one year old!

jess~ i hope you can wean of quick and stop the itching. it would drive me INSANE. does a pool help? just stand there holding a baby all day hahaha.

dr's~ well its been over 2 months since we went to a dr...i'm not sure what to feel about it. we haven't seen the current one assigned to us and i am not vaxing until...well whenever i decide to make a decision when/if to! but the school season is coming up and i'm sure the kids will be bringing stuff home to battle.

P&H~ ok...well i don't know. i'm not depressed...all the time anyways but i know things aren't going to get better for a long time and generally i just feel like no matter how good i do something or keep my promises or be a good person i am just going to get screwed for a long time. my exh abandons the kids and generally just turns 180 degrees from what i thought. i THOUGHT we were going to have an amicable divorce (3 months) and here we are having lawyers and court trials and still have done NOTHING and we won't have a court date till 1 year after filing! (1.5 years after knowing we are going to get divorced). then r's dad is just a general stressor. knowing i have school coming up with no care for R, having to transfer the kids to new schools as well.

gtg baby is fussing.
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#147 of 166 Old 07-09-2010, 11:40 PM
 
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Dhinderliter, sounds like you can't catch a break! I am so sorry things are so rough, but i hope they will look up soon somehow.

Charlie took a 5 1/2 hr nap today. I didn't know what to do with myself!

me+him for 15 yrs, welcomed our little one march 25th, 2010.

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#148 of 166 Old 07-10-2010, 12:44 AM
 
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Hey ladies! I took a huge break from this DDC after DS was born, I don't think I thought it would still exist, or something. My DS is up to 17.2 lbs, a super chunk. I get comments about it all the time and now I'm worried. Do I have the biggest baby possible, or what? Here's a picture of him. My ped didn't seem worried at the 8 week check-up when he was 16lbs., but I am really yet to hear of someone with a fatter baby, and now y'all are giving me a complex. Am I feeding him too much? He's already into the 6-12 month clothes, and is outgrowing some of the 6-9.

New mom to Benjamin! 4.8.10.
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#149 of 166 Old 07-10-2010, 12:58 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by andlee View Post
Hey ladies! I took a huge break from this DDC after DS was born, I don't think I thought it would still exist, or something. My DS is up to 17.2 lbs, a super chunk. I get comments about it all the time and now I'm worried. Do I have the biggest baby possible, or what? Here's a picture of him. My ped didn't seem worried at the 8 week check-up when he was 16lbs., but I am really yet to hear of someone with a fatter baby, and now y'all are giving me a complex. Am I feeding him too much? He's already into the 6-12 month clothes, and is outgrowing some of the 6-9.
seriously, they told me the average 3 month old is around 17lbs. I talk to more and more new moms in the moms group I am in and they are all around that weight.

no circ/vax-babywearer-cosleeping-pumping/breastfeeding-homeschooling single mama

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#150 of 166 Old 07-10-2010, 01:00 AM
 
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Danielle- she was the cutest ever! The Dr. of course freaked out. Now they are better prepared for J incase he is that small. The Dr. said now they know sis was tiny, if he is, it won't be alarming. She was 100% healthy, just slow weight gain. Plus she had major surgery at 6 months old

no circ/vax-babywearer-cosleeping-pumping/breastfeeding-homeschooling single mama

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