I've already failed as a mother - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 19 Old 05-14-2010, 05:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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At least that's how I feel. I felt the same way when I couldn't breastfeed ds. And now I'm having problems with dd. I just don't get it. My body is supposed to be able to do this. Every feeding is a nightmare and just brings me to tears. I have so manythings working against me. Dd has a lip tie, she is a sleepy baby and it's very hard to wake her to feed her. When she wakes on her own she is already at the desperate stages and just cries and cries. My sns doesn't seem to help because 1. She won't or can't latch and 2. The milk will not flow from the tubes. Add to that I have sort of flat nipples and the nipple sheilds are not working. I'm on the verge of a meltdown. I can't take failing twice at something that is supposed to be so natural. I've talked to a few LCs and they only suggest the same things that are not working. I'm so tempted to quit. I hve not given a bottle yet... Been syringe feeding. But I'm getting to the end of my rope here. I read so much while pregnant and prepared as best I could and yet I'm still failing miserably. Help!


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#2 of 19 Old 05-14-2010, 05:34 PM
 
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mama s
please do not feel bad. i am going through the same thing and i've struggled and struggled and finally made my peace with it. my son will latch on for a moment sometimes and then starts to cry or gets finicky.. Right now I am just pumping and researching. I read that no matter what baby will breastfeed at around 4-8 weeks, so that is my goal. That is when he will become more and more alert. i, too have been syringe feeding, but that takes a while and it is hard with his little hands in the way. when dh goes back to work it will cause me anxiety and i will feel like a failure if i don't make peace with it. i am hoping that if i try once in a while it will click...but your dd is just like my ds and he's either sleepy, crying or really relaxed and doesn't want to be bothered.
i don't want to force it. i saw an LC and was amazed at how unprofessional she was. she told me the morning after i gave birth that i may have to supplement with formula, used a nipple shield and a pacifier to calm him down. needless to say i wasn't pleased and we'll go about this at our own pace, until then...he is getting plenty of pumped milkies and is quite satisfied if i do say so myself.

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#3 of 19 Old 05-14-2010, 05:39 PM
 
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Having so many of those same issues hun, this is my 4th baby with said issues too. I will not try giving you advice, just ((Hugs)) as I get it and I don't think you are a failer but I know how it is like to feel like that.

I live with it knowing I do everything I possible can, go as far as I can, that even nursing part time was better than nothing, that I could not suffer any more than I have to do the best things, I could not have cried more, I could not have done anything more. I have a lot of fight left in me. We all have a different situation though and you know best how much fight you have in you. Baby needs a healthy mama in mind and body so please please be kind to yourself!

Army wife to wonder hubby. Mama to 4 and Surrogate mother x2.: Zoey Born 5/7/2010
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#4 of 19 Old 05-14-2010, 09:35 PM
 
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You are not a failure! You are a strong smart woman!

Have you called Wic? If I recall correctly-forgive me if I'm wrong-you were a wic mama like me...they are usually really good at getting you support and fast...just wanted to toss that idea out there in case you hadn't thought of it. I know when I'm struggling I totally forget all my resources! Call LLL and ask for a consultant-there's usually one that will meet you right away, or come over or even do phone help 24/7...

Hang in there mama. And bottom line-you are at least trying! You guys are having a very rough start, that does not make you a failure-it makes you a very strong person for persisting and continuing to try!

Mama to 4 Boys & One baby Girl! My DH co-sleeps! (with the couch) I'm a Student Midwife!
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#5 of 19 Old 05-14-2010, 10:39 PM
 
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You are not a failure mama. You're trying your very very best. I hope things smooth out of your little one.
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#6 of 19 Old 05-14-2010, 11:34 PM
 
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you are NOT a failure!!!!!! you are a good mother - look how worried you are about DD's well-being. you are amazing! don't beat yourself up!!
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#7 of 19 Old 05-14-2010, 11:52 PM
 
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I thought of La Leche League too....I'd call them pronto. Hang tough Mama...you're no failure, you're top notch material!

Livin' the good life here in Connecticut with my DH hug2.gif and our three fabulous boys grouphug.gif(4/3/06, 2/4/08 and 5/20/10) Hoping to try for Sweet Baby #4 in December! blowkiss.gif

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#8 of 19 Old 05-15-2010, 12:23 PM
 
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DDCC...couldn't read and not post...

My DH and I work with a lot of at-risk families, and I know just from reading your post that you are NOT a failure as a mama. We work with so many mamas how just don't give a crap about their child and wouldn't/couldn't even be bothered to try to BF - and look at you...trying everything you can to do it! You should be given a big gold mama medal for your efforts. You are a good mama! You're doing everything you can and trying so hard - that's what makes a good mother. Big hugs to you and I hope things work out for you and your little babe...

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#9 of 19 Old 05-16-2010, 01:56 PM
 
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Have you seen the latch assists that Lansinoh makes? I have the flat nipple issue. I could not get wee man to latch on at all since there was essentially no nipple for him.

I was so desperate that I paid to have one overnighted to me. It has been AWESOME! It pops my nipple right out and even if I don't get a latch on the first try, it is easy to use to you can keep popping it out until you get a good latch. I don't know who came up with it but it has been a life saver.

http://www.amazon.com/Lansinoh-RD14B.../dp/B00112EIWW

Trying to make my grand scheme a reality!

 

 

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#10 of 19 Old 05-16-2010, 02:28 PM
 
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4 kids under 10
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#11 of 19 Old 05-16-2010, 04:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all for your encouragement. I'm still struggling. I'm pumping like mad woman and im pleased with my upply so far. Still trying to
up it so I can start storing but I'm not giving up yet.

The failure part is that our bodies were made to do this, our babies were made to do this. My 17 yr old sister and other of her teenage mommy friends have been able to do it, my whole family has been able to do it, even my mother who adopted all of us kids. So why on earth can't I do it? My family looked at me like I was an alien when they saw me pumping for ds back in the day and I heard their rude comments behind my back about how I don't know what i am doing. Add to that that I have not been able to feed ds in the past just breastmilk, I had to suppliment with formula. My dd eats so much that I've been having tonsuppliment as well. A feeding of my breastmilk will only hold her over for an hour. Formula will hold her for 2-3 sometimes 4 hours. It's not that I want her to sleep or be calm, she is a very good baby, I just don't have my supply up to that level....24oz a day is a lot, well at least for me and at least for a 9 day old. Sigh.

I am going to try that nipple sucker thing though to see if it helps.


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#12 of 19 Old 05-16-2010, 07:48 PM
 
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Hugs to you mama, it is always hard when things are going the way we expect. I will give a couple of bits of advice. Did I see that your babe is a week old? I would definitely lay off the supplementing right now. This is when your supply is getting built, 1 week olds are supposed to nurse every hour to 2 hours. That is good, that means it is working!!! Also, our bodies are made to nurse not be pumped, your pumping output is not a measure of your supply, your baby's weight gain and diaper out put are. By all means use the pump if a LLL leader suggests it ( esp since the LC's you have seen haven't been helpful). Sometimes though the machines make us doubt ourselves more. Definitely call LLL and also check out kellymom.com for an awesome diaper diary to help you know if your baby is getting enough. Try to ditch the nipple shield and check out that lasinoh latch assist. Why the SNS? It sounds like you have enough gadgets to make anyone frustrated and crazy! Poor mama. You may be doing better than you think. Of course the last bit of advice, I give to all of the women I work with, get naked, get your baby naked stay in bed and nurse. Really, no going to the store, have others play with the other kids. No house work, nothing but skin, baby and boob. Stay there for at least another week maybe 2, feed on demand and things may soon turn around. Big hugs coming your way!

Apprentice midwife, partner, mother to two boys 5 and 2 1/2 :::
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#13 of 19 Old 05-16-2010, 08:06 PM
 
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I noticed that you live in Los Angeles so you might want to check out The Pump Station in Santa Monica. I went there for the first time just to check it out about a month ago and it is a great resource for breastfeeding. They have support groups and tons of help.

http://www.pumpstation.com/pumpstation/

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#14 of 19 Old 05-17-2010, 05:33 PM
 
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#15 of 19 Old 05-17-2010, 11:44 PM
 
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To organicpapayamama, I thought I was clear ( but maybe not I too am awaiting a baby any day now), yes you should definitely have someone who can come see you and baby in person to make sure all is well. LLL is a great great resource and it seems as though another local L.A. mama had a great recommendation. I totally get how easy it is to feel inadequate as mothers ( for me it was birthing) and it is great that you are reaching out for help. We all come to these forums to give and receive advice and we all have to take any advice from the internet with a grain of salt and a big dose of common sense. Keep on keepin on and know that there are lots of women out there that understand where you are and are sending positive energy your way. You are not a failure no matter how breastfeeding turns out.

Apprentice midwife, partner, mother to two boys 5 and 2 1/2 :::
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#16 of 19 Old 05-19-2010, 12:13 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Wanted to share the awesome news! So I just finished feeding dd with a syringe and while she was calm I felt my breasts were full again. So I tried to
latch her on. After about 5 tried we got the best latch we have ever gotten. She was on and after a few seconds I felt my letdown which encouraged her to stay on. She immediatly started sucking and it didn't hurt! Then I heard it, I heard her swallowing!!! Omg this is HUGE! She stayed on and actually nursed for about 20 minutes. She was asleep but eating. It felt awesome. We were both on cloud 9!! This gives me hope and I'd thought I'd share.


BFPChart2.gif

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#17 of 19 Old 05-19-2010, 12:45 AM
 
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I have totally just crashed in here randomly and read this whole thread. I want to say YAY to you and share your excitement!!! I'm so happy for you, after reading everything you've gone through. I bet it felt wonderful!!! Much love and support to you-Mary (a former LA mama myself)

Mary, Mama to 3 boys! 9/05 & 8/08 & 7/12
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#18 of 19 Old 05-19-2010, 03:59 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by organicpapayamama View Post
Wanted to share the awesome news! So I just finished feeding dd with a syringe and while she was calm I felt my breasts were full again. So I tried to
latch her on. After about 5 tried we got the best latch we have ever gotten. She was on and after a few seconds I felt my letdown which encouraged her to stay on. She immediatly started sucking and it didn't hurt! Then I heard it, I heard her swallowing!!! Omg this is HUGE! She stayed on and actually nursed for about 20 minutes. She was asleep but eating. It felt awesome. We were both on cloud 9!! This gives me hope and I'd thought I'd share.
So happy to hear this news. Big hugs to you both.

Lovin' my four-pack: M, S, a different M, and sleepytime.gif me.

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#19 of 19 Old 05-19-2010, 06:12 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by organicpapayamama View Post
Wanted to share the awesome news! So I just finished feeding dd with a syringe and while she was calm I felt my breasts were full again. So I tried to
latch her on. After about 5 tried we got the best latch we have ever gotten. She was on and after a few seconds I felt my letdown which encouraged her to stay on. She immediatly started sucking and it didn't hurt! Then I heard it, I heard her swallowing!!! Omg this is HUGE! She stayed on and actually nursed for about 20 minutes. She was asleep but eating. It felt awesome. We were both on cloud 9!! This gives me hope and I'd thought I'd share.
You're making me tear up what fantastic news Mama
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