Why am I weirded out by this? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 16 Old 06-03-2010, 05:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So let me first off say that I think dd is just perfect the way she is and I wouldn't trade her for the world. I'm a light skinned mixed Latin woman. Dd1 that was stillborn looked exactly like me, as did ds. So I naturally assumed this Lo would look the same. My ex is a darker skinned latin but evidently he has weaker genes. He has a dd with another woman and she looks more like her mom too. So when G was born I was a bit shocked that she was so dark. I think she's beautiful but I'm still taken back by this. I was so not expecting it. She def has her dads coloring. I think what bothers me is that I see him in her, not so much the actual skin color. Anyway, when will I get over this shock? When we did the newborn photos he photographer even asked me if my kids had the same father. Besides that being a totally rude question i get why she asked. I'm light skinned so is ds and here comes this beautiful tanned baby... Anyone else go through this? I'm afraid it's only the beginning of peoples assumptions they are from different fathers. I don't want her to grow up thinking she is different or has something wrong. She is also showing signs that she may have green eyes which is gorgeous but again ds and I have brown eyes. Am I making to big a deal about this?


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#2 of 16 Old 06-04-2010, 12:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Anyone? Am I totally crazy for starting this thread? Maybe it's the hormones making me think crazy thoughts....


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#3 of 16 Old 06-04-2010, 12:23 AM
 
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I'm DDCC but I wanted you to know I don't think you're crazy at all I don't have any great advice or anything but I wanted to throw out there to remember that babies/kids looks really change as they get older. The way her hair grows out or the way her eyes change or even her body size/type is going to change how much she looks like you/him. Also by being raised by you and with your DS she's totally going to take on traits like you guys, which I think makes people notice similarities rather than differences.
I think it's ok to feel the way you do, and I also think it's going to get easier as time passes and she's so much a part of your family unit of you and DS.

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#4 of 16 Old 06-04-2010, 12:28 AM
 
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DDCC here too.

DH is half Korean and our DS and DD1 look very, very much like him with brown eyes and dark hair. DS could be his little clone! DD2 looks a lot more like me, with lighter curly hair and blue eyes. There have been a few times where I've been asked if they have different fathers, even though to me I can definitely tell they are siblings. The kids haven't really noticed too much yet, but DD1 (almost 4, very sensitive and dramatic) is starting to notice people commenting on DD2's blue eyes. As DD2 turns more into a toddler/little girl looking then she is starting to look a bit more like DD1.

For the most part it just really irritates me when people make a big deal over how one child looks and ignores the others.

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#5 of 16 Old 06-04-2010, 07:48 AM
 
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I think it's pretty normal for families to have a wide variety of looks. The photographer was exceptionally rude but I don't think most people would be surprised by varying shade of skin colour or different eye colour.

In our little family, DS has a different bio mom but has really only grown up with me as a mother figure. Everyone comments on how much he looks like me and not DH. This new baby seems to have DHs body type but my facial features. I'm starting tot hink DH won't have any children that look like him and I'll have two that look like me even though only one is genetically related.

Oh, another thing, we're all caucasian but DS1 has dark skin like his bio mom and DS2 has dark skin like my brother (I assume that's the link) and both DH and I have light skin and some freckles!

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#6 of 16 Old 06-04-2010, 09:32 AM
 
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DDCC...My brother, sister, and I are caucasian and all have the same two parents, but we look nothing alike as far as build, skin color, eye color, hair color, and our personalities are very different from each other. People are always shocked to find out we're siblings, esp my sister and I. We went to the same church together for 13 yrs, and some people never knew we were even related. They assumed we were friends that carpooled together. We kinda always got a kick out of it when people would choke on their food or drink upon realizing they've known us for years and didn't know we were sisters.

We don't look like our parents, either, except my hair is the same color as my mom's.

But I do understand your feeling weird that your baby doesn't look like you. She will in time. My mom worked in an OB practice, and they used to say that babies generally come out looking like dad, and in time grow to show characteristics of both parents. Apparently it's supposed to help dad bond with the babe. That was definitely true of my brother's little girl. Hope that helps!

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#7 of 16 Old 06-04-2010, 12:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all for your replies. Perhaps my concerns for her are because of my own insecurities. See, I am 1 of 4 siblings. We were all adopted from
different families and similar, thought not exactly the same, nationalities. Growing up what got to me was the siblings that I went to school with would look like eachother and I always wondered if I have any siblings out there that looked like me. Well last year I was able to meet my half sister. We seriously look like twins except she has green eyes blonde hair and I have brown hair and eyes. It made me feel better in that regard.

When dd1 and ds came out looking like me it was almost healing for me. Like I had a family to identify with in a way I never could before. So with
G looking so different with her skin color was a huge surpise. Don't get me wrong, I don't think it's a bad thing, and I think she is gorgeous, it
just surprised me and opened up new situations that could come up.

G actually does have my features, just not my skin color. And she and her brother also have similar features too like their eye shape and chin. It's just the color that is different. I know newborns change a lot and what they are born with may not stay. But I always thought babies are born lighter and then get darker (if they ate going Roget darker). So I'm thinking she may get even darker. I guess only time will tell. Ds never looked like his dad, even at birth. He didn't really look like anyone till he was a few months old then he looked just like me. He was so much like me that we even have the same blood type, o-. G was born with her fathers blood type, o+. I think perhaps thatay also be a contributing factor... I thouched on it before, but maybe it bothers me because I see him in her. Either way I have to get over it. I love her no matter what and she was given to me just the way she should be, perfect.


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#8 of 16 Old 06-04-2010, 12:35 PM
 
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Me and the other 3 oldest of my siblings all have the same mom and dad, we all could easily (and have at times) deny any relation to one another...

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Growing up, I always thought it was weird when there were families where all the siblings looked alike, because we were all so different. We all have different eye, hair and skin color...although some features are slightly similar.

I wouldn't worry about it too much...siblings come in all shapes and sizes.

jamie. crinkly (not quite crunchy) mama to 3 amazing little girls, an awesome little boy, and a baby girl making her debut at the end of this summer.

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#9 of 16 Old 06-04-2010, 12:49 PM
 
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DDDC I think what you're feeling is totally normal. I have not faced the same thing with skin color, but I have 3 brothers and none of us look even slightly alike in any way. People really never believed we were all related (I have a different dad but my brothers all look so different you would never guess they were even cousins) It's really weird, actually. It's amazing what genes come out when and how they mix with different people. My son also looks like my ex a lot which weirds me out since we...don't get along and I don't have much respect for him. But I love my son and I can look past that now and see what a great person he is and see great things in him anyway.

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#10 of 16 Old 06-04-2010, 03:59 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by organicpapayamama View Post
Thank you all for your replies. Perhaps my concerns for her are because of my own insecurities. See, I am 1 of 4 siblings. We were all adopted from
different families and similar, thought not exactly the same, nationalities. Growing up what got to me was the siblings that I went to school with would look like eachother and I always wondered if I have any siblings out there that looked like me. Well last year I was able to meet my half sister. We seriously look like twins except she has green eyes blonde hair and I have brown hair and eyes. It made me feel better in that regard.

When dd1 and ds came out looking like me it was almost healing for me. Like I had a family to identify with in a way I never could before. So with
G looking so different with her skin color was a huge surpise. Don't get me wrong, I don't think it's a bad thing, and I think she is gorgeous, it
just surprised me and opened up new situations that could come up.

G actually does have my features, just not my skin color. And she and her brother also have similar features too like their eye shape and chin. It's just the color that is different. I know newborns change a lot and what they are born with may not stay. But I always thought babies are born lighter and then get darker (if they ate going Roget darker). So I'm thinking she may get even darker. I guess only time will tell. Ds never looked like his dad, even at birth. He didn't really look like anyone till he was a few months old then he looked just like me. He was so much like me that we even have the same blood type, o-. G was born with her fathers blood type, o+. I think perhaps thatay also be a contributing factor... I thouched on it before, but maybe it bothers me because I see him in her. Either way I have to get over it. I love her no matter what and she was given to me just the way she should be, perfect.
i just wanted to say that you are not "weird" for feeling this way. i can really relate to you. i'm actually black/hispanic and dh is white/hispanic. ds came out looking a lot like me but with dh's coloring. which of course i don't care about, but a part of me feels like (at least in pics) it looks like i'm posing with someone else's child. i know i'm being silly, and that babies really do change so much. i think all of these hormones are getting the better of me. it's also probably a bit harder on you with all the issues you have been dealing with with your ex. but i just wanted to let you know you are not alone.
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#11 of 16 Old 06-04-2010, 04:30 PM
 
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ddcc...hope this isn't too trivial

If it helps, the skin color MAY be your genes. Just further back in your lineage. Our close friends are German/Italian, and the parents are pretty pale. The Italian mom tans easily, but is otherwise pale. Their kids all look very similar in features, but little Nina has very dark olive skin. It's striking. What's even more remarkable is that all four of her grandparents have light skin as well. Her darker skin comes from her mother's Sicilian grandmother! Those were some deeply buried genes!

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#12 of 16 Old 06-04-2010, 07:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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ddcc...hope this isn't too trivial

If it helps, the skin color MAY be your genes. Just further back in your lineage. Our close friends are German/Italian, and the parents are pretty pale. The Italian mom tans easily, but is otherwise pale. Their kids all look very similar in features, but little Nina has very dark olive skin. It's striking. What's even more remarkable is that all four of her grandparents have light skin as well. Her darker skin comes from her mother's Sicilian grandmother! Those were some deeply buried genes!
You may be right. I'm Mexican, Cuban, German, welch, French, polish, and something else I forget. My ex is Mexican and native amarican... Which is where I attribute the darker skin from but I guess you never know. Although I did have a chance to meet my biological family last year... Were talking mom, grandma, great grand parents and uncles and cousins galore and everyone had blonde hair green eyes. They thought Ds and I were exotic because we were the only ones with brown hair and eyes lol.


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#13 of 16 Old 06-05-2010, 02:55 PM
 
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I'm also DDC crashing, but wanted to add that I also don't think you're weird at all.

People's perceptions can impact you in funny ways. It's interesting that you mentioned growing up in an adoptive family. I'm CA, hubby is AA and our oldest son is also AA and slightly darker than DH. We adopted DS#1.

We're expecting DS#2 any day now and I'm terrified he's going to be super pale. I'm REALLY pale and while DH isn't light-skinned, most of his extended family is. If those genes kick in, we could have a VERY light-skinned, green-eyed kiddo with wavy hair.

Obviously we're not uncomfortable having a multi-racial and/or adoptive family, but it would definitely make us even more conspicuous than we are. So I understand what you mean--I wouldn't want my kiddos to be anything other than what they are, in appearance or personality, but appearances sometimes do change how people perceive you as a family unit.
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#14 of 16 Old 06-14-2010, 01:27 AM
 
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such an interesting thread - DH & I both have dark brown hair & brown eyes (his are more hazel). Our oldest two kids have red hair and alabaster, seriously white, skin. My newest LO came out with dark brown hair and olive skin - darker than either of us. He gets it from my dad & grandfather. My BIL already is teasing us and saying we need counseling. I'm just waiting for the "do they have the same father?" crap from strangers. No, we're just American mutts! I love that my kids look different, but I hope they don't hear ugly comments like that.
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#15 of 16 Old 06-14-2010, 09:59 AM
 
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I'm caucasian and my husband is darker skinned hispanic. Our dd has light brown hair and blue eyes. She resembles me quite a bit. Our newborn boy is darker skinned, brown eyes and black hair. They look completely different. I was also expecting a different looking baby when DS was born. He is 6 weeks now and I've adjusted to it. I'm sure you will too in time. No worries mama.

Michigan native living in Jersey with my hubby, sweet girl (4), wild boy (2), and baby girl due Dec. 18th! 

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#16 of 16 Old 06-14-2010, 11:21 AM
 
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I get asked if my children have the same father all the time Out of my 4 kids, only my second has the dark skin hair and eyes like her father. She sticks out like a sore thumb from my other 3 dd's who have light eyes and sandy blonde hair like me. Bless her heart...I can't count how many times people ask "are they all yours? Even her?!" and point to my second dd. I find it incredibly rude for people to assume, yet I know they are just trying to make conversation. Genetics are crazy and so unpredicatable!!!

So to answer your question, I am not sure when you would get over the shock. I can't say I was shocked to see such a darker baby than my first cause honestly I thought my first would be that dark. Guess I always assumed darker was more dominant. I was wrong.

: and 3 dd's (5, 4, 17 mos) and anticipating Michaela Skye (after my late daddy Michael.) May 26th 2010
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