How to convince my husband that a doula is a good thing??? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 8 Old 04-14-2010, 12:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am 30 weeks now and have been thinking of how much I want a doula this go around. Tonight I talked to a mom of a kid on my son's baseball team, we really hit it off and then I found out she is a doula, I really want to talk to her some more and possibly hire her. She gave me her card and I am going to call her this week. Well, my husband doesn't understand why I need one, he feels like I am trying to replace him. He said it's fine if we hire her of I think it will make my labor and delivery better, I just was wondering if any of you could think of anything I could tell him to make him feel better about the whole thing....tia!
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#2 of 8 Old 04-14-2010, 01:07 AM
 
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Well, I guess I would depend on your reasonings for wanting one. I would love to have a doula so that I would have someone to advocate for me if necessary. To help give dh a break if he needed to take care of himself (eat, bathroom, just get some fresh air). To run out of the room to get ice chips or whatnot so I could spend time with dh and he didn't have to feel like the gopher. My mom has been in the room for all 3 labors/births and it was nice to have someone besides dh. I think it's a lot of pressure if there's just 1 person offering support. Unless that's how the mother is, not really wanting anyone around. I'm pretty demanding.

Tiffany, loving wife to Matt, Mommy to Samantha (10/99), Tevin (8/04), Cadence (6/08) and babymooning with our sweet little Lauren 6/24/10
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#3 of 8 Old 04-14-2010, 04:01 AM
 
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If you go to the DONA website, they have an article on there about dads and doulas. (I just tried to go on it (www.dona.org), but there's some weird server thing going on. Should be fixed soon...) Anyway, it did a pretty good job of explaining how things can work with doulas. When my husband thought he might just be sitting around, since we are having a doula, she explained it to him like the two of them are a team to help support me. She explained that it will be physically demanding, both for them and me, and it will be good to have two people to help. Plus, some of the pain relief techniques take two people to help me. This seemed to make sense to him and help him have a better idea of how it all works. Good luck with the conversation and helping DH understand what it's all about!!

Joanna, 6 years married to DH, Mom to 3-1/2 yo DS Owen and DD Taylor, born 6/14/10 by unmedicated
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#4 of 8 Old 04-14-2010, 10:48 AM
 
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At first my DH felt a little "replaced," too - now he's totally on board. I talked to him about how I felt the doula would be like the wise woman elder of the village that comes to help women birth.

We also talked about how he has no idea how to help me have a natural childbirth (I don't either - my first was an epidural) but the doula DOES.

My doula also talked about how some husbands work with her as a team, some are more hands off and sometimes she just steps back when she realizes that husband and wife are working great together. And she said that all 3 of those circumstances can happen in the same birth!

The other way I explained it to him - rather crudely - is that I kind of see it that the OB and the nurse are there to keep me and baby alive, that he's there to love and support me and the doula is there to help me labor and birth. The OB is not going to give me unconditional love, the nurse is not (really) going to help me labor, the doula is not there to make sure baby is OK - each one has a primary role and I need ALL of them.

Me (40) DH (49) daring DD (9) and darling DS - almost THREE! (born June 25, 2010 in an amazing, unplanned homebirth.jpg

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#5 of 8 Old 04-14-2010, 11:22 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks guys, those are great ideas, I will also check out that website!
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#6 of 8 Old 04-16-2010, 10:30 PM
 
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During my first pregnancy (a planned OB attended hospital birth) I scoffed at the word doula! I sure was sorry when I was at that hospital through 2 shift changes and got a nurse I could. not. stand.

I *really* wished I could go back and get a doula at that point. A doula is great as they are by your side from start to finish no matter who is on duty in the hospital... it's a great way to stay calm and feel peaceful.

I highly recommend getting a good doula... it's worth the money.

Your husband won't even remotely be replaced by a doula as there is plenty for him to do! (Not to mention, it's YOUR job to get that baby out, you should have what "tools" you feel necessary so to speak.)

Opinionated Mama to dd 2/23/03, ds 3/20/05 hbac, dd 1/23/08 2hbac, and baby #4 due in June 2010!
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#7 of 8 Old 04-17-2010, 01:47 AM
 
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To the previous poster, and everyone, don't forget that if you can't stand your nurse or just don't feel comfortable with her, you can request a different nurse! It is not uncommon for this to happen. I first heard about this from a labor and delivery nurse and it turns out to be true in all hospitals! So don't forget to ask for what you need, even a different nurse!

JENNY, 38~ preschool teacher, birth activist, sun worshiper, singer, married for 17 years and mom to

Karan 15, Fiona 12, Bodhi 10, Bjorn 6, Devon 3, and Robin Taylor born January 16th!

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#8 of 8 Old 04-17-2010, 10:12 AM
 
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Mataji4,

Good point that I forgot to mention and should have. I didn't know this then but I learned right after that birth from a post partum nurse!

Opinionated Mama to dd 2/23/03, ds 3/20/05 hbac, dd 1/23/08 2hbac, and baby #4 due in June 2010!
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