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#1 of 8 Old 04-15-2010, 10:45 AM - Thread Starter
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My niece, first time momma to an 8 wk old, is espousing Babywise on Facebook. I am not a do or die AP mom. I am a 'do whatever keeps the most people in the house the happiest' mom, which generally means co-sleeping and demand nursing, and I cannot stomach 'training' a newborn/young infant. JJ now only wakes up once a night and sleeps in his own bed but at what price? I do not know how to go about telling her Babywise is not all that and a bag of chips, that yes, she is getting more sleep and her baby is sleeping and from her perspective that is win-win but it really isn't if she taught her son that mom doesn't come when I need her in the process. We aren't close, she grew up 2000 miles from our family, and I have enjoyed getting to know her better via facebook and am afraid I will alienate her should I say anything.
I'm just so sad thinking of JJ crying in his crib, alone, waiting for his mom.

Karen, homeschooling Catholic mom to 8. #9 due 6/10
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#2 of 8 Old 04-15-2010, 11:30 AM
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I have a dear friend who gave birth to her first in January, and she's been using tips from Babywise and recommended it to me. She says that she tends to him every time he cries, but it's not always a cry of hunger and it took her a little trial and error to learn which cries meant what. I've heard that the newer version of it is better than the old ones, so maybe it's not all that bad now. I plan to read it just to know what's in it, and follow my instincts. I'm reading The Attachment Connection right now, and really enjoying that. It promotes being a "good enough" parent and being sensitive to our kids needs w/o being over the top. Anyway, I would hope your niece has enough sense to show her baby she cares about him/her.

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#3 of 8 Old 04-15-2010, 03:57 PM
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Oh, yes, every time I see a FB list of comments about how you should let your baby CIO because otherwise you'll never get any sleep, I actually just want to throw up. I did not do CIO with DS, because the thought of it just broke my heart, and I couldn't imagine him laying there wondering why no one came to help him when he was scared and lonely. (We did a lot of co-sleeping, too, so this applied more to naps and when he was going to bed before we were ready to go to bed.)

It's true that DS took a long time to sleep through the night consistently and to go to bed without an argument (2-1/2 to 3yo probably), but it was worth it to me for him to know that we were responsive to his concerns and that if he cried...we would come to him. I just couldn't stand the thought of my baby being quiet because he knew if he cried that no one would come anyway and he had just given up on the hope that someone cared enough to come to him. Just my opinion... ;-)

Joanna, 6 years married to DH, Mom to 3-1/2 yo DS Owen and DD Taylor, born 6/14/10 by unmedicated
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#4 of 8 Old 04-15-2010, 04:36 PM
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I would gently suggest, or even just send her, your favorite AP book. I didn't know anything about AP until I babysat for a family that did it. If you are unaware of it, it would be awfully hard to practice it! When I learned about AP and started reading Dr. Sears' books it completely changed my thoughts about parenting. It was such a blessing. short, I would put down the method (or book) she is using...just make a good hearted suggestion towards a different way.

Catholic, SAHM, Married 6 yrs. , Miscarried Sept. '08 April '09 & Jan. '14, DD is 4, DS is 2-we had a wonderful , EDD early Jan, 2015! I'm also a first time foster mom to two unrelated girls. 
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#5 of 8 Old 04-15-2010, 06:16 PM
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Can you tactfully word a suggestion to look at sites such as

Mama to Nov '08 and June '10
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#6 of 8 Old 04-16-2010, 12:26 AM - Thread Starter
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She is second oldest of 12. Her mom and 7 aunts pretty much run the gamut from very AP to Ezzo/Perl type parenting. Her mom is a lot like me, a little more structured, but not much with infants. Honestly, I think she is looking for a parenting style that will enable her and her dh to have a life as close to it was before JJ arrived.
I'm going to try and keep my lines of communication open and make gentle AP-type suggestions when I can without coming across as a busy-body aunt. she is my husband's sister's daughter. I'm an 'outlaw'. An amiable family term for those that married into the family. While we 'outlaws' are loved and we adore this family we married into we *all* know that we are just not the same as the 'original 8'

Karen, homeschooling Catholic mom to 8. #9 due 6/10
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#7 of 8 Old 04-16-2010, 12:50 AM
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Have you sent a "new baby" gift yet? Maybe a great Dr. Sears book or something like that. I don't know whether she is a Christian but his book "Christian Parenting and Childcare" has been the best resource I have found, with information on absolutely everything. You wouldn't have to comment at all on what she is doing, just send a book and say that it has been a great resource for you and that you know that a lot of other families have sworn by it. Babywise and that whole method just makes me so sad... why do people have children if they would like to pretend that they didn't have them when it isn't convenient? My first was an incredibly difficult baby but after 2 1/2 years, we are in a wonderful place and while I definitely could have used more sleep that first year, I just held onto the fact that I was getting many opportunities to show her how much I love her and I have actually come to treasure those moments when I am up having to comfort her at night (which very rarely happens these days).
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#8 of 8 Old 04-16-2010, 03:37 PM
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We practice AP, co-sleeping and very, very far from CIO. I wasn't raised this way and truth be told, I didn't know that this is what my parenting style was called until I became a parent and started reading. I am still learning.
When my son was first born I felt such animosity towards CIO moms - didn't even want to befriend them. I only wanted moms who did what I was doing. Why? Maybe I needed the support. Maybe I needed other moms around me who could validate that what I was doing was right because really, I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I was just surviving. I think that's true for a lot of moms. I took a lot of criticism which I have to say, as a new mom who didn't know squat, was not in the least bit helpful. It helped to hear how others were doing it - what worked and didn't work for them so that I could come up with my own decisions. But people who told me that what I was doing was wrong were not only alienated by me but they also alienated me - not what a new mom needs. I think too that because I was so uncertain on how to do things I was so much more sensitive and responsive to other people's perception.
The short way around that long winded story is that sometimes it helps to bite your tongue and say something like, "oh,you're trying CIO? My heart just couldn't take it so I did it this way..." It's not saying 'I'm right, you're wrong". It's just presenting a different way to experience the situation - you don't get angry at an infant for crying - and alternative way to handle it.
I hope this helps.
And, as someone who has an in-law who sends really offensive chain emails - therein is the beauty of delete, delete, delete. Or in the case of FB, just don't read it.
Good luck!
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