Irritating experience... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 08-03-2010, 02:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm a bit low.

DD2 had her first vaccination today. I know that's not the norm here, but we vax on schedule (and i am definitely pro-everyone-making-their-own-decision).

I was in the baby clinic waiting room before i went in, i was the ONLY person breastfeeding. Of 16 babies, amongst them one set of twins, i was the only one. So i already felt a bit uncomfortable.

We went in and got the vaxes, it was the 5-in1 and pneumococcal, so one in each thigh. DD cried (of course). I really didn't like the experience, from the POV of watching someone stick a big needle in my sweet baby, even though i do want it done and believe it's the best thing for my kids.

So i was back in the waiting room, feeling a bit fragile, and DD was screaming and so i sat down to feed her again for a bit of comfort. There were lots of other women there, but 2 in particular had come in, looking very "together" - not an ounce of fat on them, straightened hair, full make-up, designer clothes, designer strollers, and a haze of expensive scent. I had noticed them but only because one of them had a toy on the pram which DD2 has.

Anyway, DD is crying and i put her on the breast, and one of the women, who were sat directly in front of me, glanced over her shoulder and saw i was feeding, then turned to her friend and started making really loud conversation about how she had stopped BFing because it was doing her head in and how her life was a million times better since she moved to bottles and how her baby was thriving so much more on formula and just on and on about it. I had not said anything to her or even made eye contact. Her friend seemed a bit taken aback and was like "yeah, i know you already told me" but she kept right on, how she'd gotten her life back and how anyone could see how much happier and healthier her daughter was now and then (bizarrely) how it was a big responsibility feeding formula because when she was on holiday (she then described the holiday, 4 weeks touring mainland Europe, which isn't SO exotic since we're in the UK, but pretty expensive sounding!) she had to use her iPhone to find out what they marketed her brand as in Italy, Spain, France, Germany and it's lucky she could do that, and not everyone would think to and blah blah blah.

I felt totally outnumbered and weird. I felt almost embarrassed - her reaction was if *I* had challenged her on feeding, when i hadn't said or done anything or even looked at her, but i still felt as if i'd been torn to pieces for something i'd done or said. Other people were glancing at me and then them so it must have been fairly obvious that there was tension there, i did NOT know what to do. In the end i sat there in silence until DD was almost asleep, then put her into the wrap and left.

I had big feeding problems with DD1, and things are going much better this time, and i've been feeling really proud if that, but compared to those ladies i just felt like a fat, poor, dishevelled frump.

The worst thing is that if i hadn't been feeling fragile after watching someone stick needles in my baby i would have thought of something witty or apt to respond with. As it was i felt attacked and judged and powerless and sad. I do think really that lady was feeling insecure about her choice, to go to that length espousing it, and i'm sorry for her if that's the case, but i really felt beat-up afterwards.
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#2 of 8 Old 08-03-2010, 03:47 PM
 
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Wow, she must feel really bad about herself to feel the need to do that to a complete stranger. I hope most people understood that and were sympathetic to you!

And that's why I couldn't handle formula - it sounds like so much effort!

Good for you for such success nursing this time!

Mama to Nov '08 and June '10
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#3 of 8 Old 08-03-2010, 03:52 PM
 
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reading your post, I had a picture in my head of a bunch of four years olds in a sandbox, taunting a new classmate or something. I mean, REALLY?!?!! Sorry you had to endure that alone, but you are NOT the one with the issue.

Props to you BFing mama!
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#4 of 8 Old 08-03-2010, 05:37 PM
 
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ddcc

Sounds to me like the woman was threatened by you in some way and needed to show off how much better she wants to believe she is. Kinda sad and pathetic, you know? Still, I'd squirm and feel uncomfortable in those circumstances, too. It's no fun being at the center of someone's insecurities...especially if they're going to be *itchy about it.

RedOak ~ Momma to DS (8) , DS (4) , DD (3) , & DD 9/10 ~
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#5 of 8 Old 08-05-2010, 03:17 AM
 
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For me, no matter what the issue at hand is, i stop and think only about my babe. Hard to do, trust me! And it's taken 4 time to do it! But i sit and pretend that I am my baby. All i care about is the amazing warmth and rush of mama's milk, how it can soothe my every need and desire and how wonderful it feels to grow strong and feel contended.

And that's when the empathy turns on. You don't know who she is, or if she is trying to feel better about her decisions or trying to help another mama who has had a rough go at nursing or make you look less in her eyes to make herself feel better about her own decisions, but at the end of the day it doesnt matter because my child is happy, whole and content in what i can give him. Your dear sweet child will be best off because of what YOU can offer, not what another woman can make you feel while you sit there and innocently nurse your love. And you know you are able to walk away from the situation giving what you want to your child, without making others feel less then. That is the ultimate gift in parenting, in my opinion. Giving to your child the best you can, without having to cut others down or hurt them to justify your decisions.

Remember no one has the power to hurt your parenting decisions, but yourself. Don't give that power away. Instead walk away strong and proud, you are giving what YOU want and need to your children. Hugs mama!

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#6 of 8 Old 08-05-2010, 03:31 AM
 
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Ugh, that kind of thing is *really* annoying. I've never once seen a baby being bottlefed and felt compelled to start talking about how great breastfeeding is, not that it doesn't happen to moms who bottlefeed. I just don't get it.

Oh well, sorry about that.
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#7 of 8 Old 08-05-2010, 06:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aka mommy View Post
For me, no matter what the issue at hand is, i stop and think only about my babe. Hard to do, trust me! And it's taken 4 time to do it! But i sit and pretend that I am my baby. All i care about is the amazing warmth and rush of mama's milk, how it can soothe my every need and desire and how wonderful it feels to grow strong and feel contended.

And that's when the empathy turns on. You don't know who she is, or if she is trying to feel better about her decisions or trying to help another mama who has had a rough go at nursing or make you look less in her eyes to make herself feel better about her own decisions, but at the end of the day it doesnt matter because my child is happy, whole and content in what i can give him. Your dear sweet child will be best off because of what YOU can offer, not what another woman can make you feel while you sit there and innocently nurse your love. And you know you are able to walk away from the situation giving what you want to your child, without making others feel less then. That is the ultimate gift in parenting, in my opinion. Giving to your child the best you can, without having to cut others down or hurt them to justify your decisions.

Remember no one has the power to hurt your parenting decisions, but yourself. Don't give that power away. Instead walk away strong and proud, you are giving what YOU want and need to your children. Hugs mama!
Thanks for your wise words I suppose it makes me sad that her words hurt me, and theoretically at least just seeing me nurse hurt her just as much which made her say those words, and there's not much i can do about that.

I had another weird-ish one yesterday. I was riding the bus home from a friend who lives across the city - ******* is not like a big american city, but in heavy rushhour traffic we were still on the bus for 90minutes. When i got on i sat upstairs at the front (DD1's favourite spot) and the other 2 seats up front were taken by a man and a woman, he was local, she was american, north east by the sounds of her accent. They were talking about either a friend of hers or a programme she'd seen. I wasn't trying to listen but they were 18inches from me and the bus was empty! Anyway she was talking about a family with a 2yo who was having trouble sleeping and getting up and demanding his "buby" (his comfort blanket) but then the guy picked up on this and begins exclaiming "BOOBIE!? BOOBIE?!" really loud, and they are snickering and making comments about boobies and so on.... Of course, right on cue DD2 starts to fuss in the wrap. I was feeling PRETTY self-conscious by then and wanted to trun and say "even though i now feel INCREDIBLY uncomfortable, i'm going to nurse my baby!" to them, but i didn't i just sat there looking out of the window. Just then we passed a big pink banner with words 2 feet high that said "******* Welcomes Breastfeeding" and i felt much better then. So i just rearranged her a bit and began to nurse her. Well they sat in stunned silence and eventually i slipped a glance sideways at them and started to laugh and they started to laugh too. It was pretty awkward but much better!

It's funny, i was always happy to NIP but i never had to nurse on a bus with DD1.
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#8 of 8 Old 08-05-2010, 09:17 PM
 
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Hugs! I'm sorry you felt low, especially at a time when you already felt vulnerable (watching your babe get hurt!). We vax also and I felt horrible at our appt, and I also believe its the right thing to do for my son.

I agree with the previous poster, only you have the power to feel badly about your parenting decisions. I had a similar experience recently at a natural family living store where I took a class and I was the only one formula feeding and they looked at me like I was feeding my son arsenic. They don't know me, and they don't know that I physically can't breastfeed. I had a choice, I could feel bad that wasn't nursing or I could look at my baby and see how happy and healthy he is. I chose the latter. Your baby is happy with YOUR choice and she could care less about what some other mom chose for HER baby. Don't ever feel ashamed of your choices!

I also agree that it seemed like she wasn't at peace with her own choice, which is a shame. If you really believe you're doing the best thing for your baby, you shouldn't feel like you need to defend yourself to anyone.

Me + DH + Daniel (7/5/10)
Testing early and often since February 2014.
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