Do you register/ shower for dc #2? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 34 Old 02-06-2010, 08:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi Mamas,

My boss made a comment about a pregnant co-worker who was having a shower for her 2nd son that really bothered me. She said that you are only *allowed* to have one shower, it was in bad taste to have two showers when you already are supposted to have everything you need from dc #1.

What are you expereinced mamas planning?

I sure know I could use more California Baby wash or diaper cream or new socks- how about a group gift of a double stroller? (OK, in my dreams!) And besides from gifts, I just love the idea of celebrating and welcoming new life into the circle and into our community. Anyone looking forward to another shower or anyone choosing to not have one?

Thanks!

Mj
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#2 of 34 Old 02-06-2010, 08:21 PM
 
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I hear it alot both ways and for us we will be having another shower even if I have to throw it myself!!! (and be the only guest lol!)
I am pretty weird and think its weird that people only have showers (bridal, baby etc) for the gifts. To me its more of a fun time to get together and let the new mama know that she is supported, loved and that for a day all of her friends and family want to make HER the special one. And just to celebrate the transition into motherhood and welcoming the new child.
I have been to a couple of second baby showers where the new mom gets a diaper party (everyone brings a box of wipes and dipes) or a food party where everyone brings a meal for mama after baby comes (either a freezer meal or an iou with the date).
I will be registering but only because all of my relatives are out of town and they all want to know what we want. It is just easier to say go hop online and see my registry lol.
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#3 of 34 Old 02-06-2010, 08:29 PM
 
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I'm not really one for traditional rules i suppose so I say if you want one and the people around you want to give you one, go for it. I didn't have one the first time and I won't this time but I will probably have a blessing way at some point the last few weeks.

Amy, Army wife living in S. Korea, mama to my inverted t c/s baby 04.05.08 and my VBAC with inverted t baby 07.24.10
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#4 of 34 Old 02-06-2010, 10:07 PM
 
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Chattyprincess, that is a great idea to have the food party. I might have to suggest that to a friend. . .

I really don't need any more stuff, to be sure, but it would be nice to have a little party to celebrate the new life and what will be my last pregnancy. The pregnancies following the first are always a little less celebrated -- even, admittedly, by myself.

Christina, loving being a Mama to three and serving as a Co-Leader of the Holistic Moms Network, Tri-City Area, CA Chapter.

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#5 of 34 Old 02-06-2010, 10:33 PM
 
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I am pg with #3 and my friends want to throw me a shower, even if I have stuff from the first 2, there's always something, wipes, butt cream, a few new blankets, some new jammies, I don't see why people can't celebrate a baby and the mother just because its not her first, I mean every baby is a blessing so why not celebrate it?
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#6 of 34 Old 02-06-2010, 10:54 PM
 
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I had a shower for my 2nd, but there are 10 years between my first two kids so that was considered "acceptable". I will not be having one for this child, my third. I (or my mom or sister) will throw a meet the baby party after he/she is born to celebrate the baby, and it will likely be a "no gifts" event. I may ask if my mom or sister would mind passing the word that I'd like food for the freezer, but honestly the idea of casseroles in July doesn't sound appealing and I'm not sure what else people would normally bring.

I really think this is a "depends on your family/friends" question. My family and friends would really think poorly of me if I did it, it would be considered extremely tacky. Plus no one else does it so it would be rude--I didn't go to a shower for any of my friends' 2nd or 3rd babies, so it wouldn't be fair to ask them to shell out for gifts for me. But if it was common in my circle I'd do it and wouldn't think twice. Do what you feel is best

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#7 of 34 Old 02-07-2010, 12:12 AM
 
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I'm all for bucking tradition.

This is #1 for me (though #2 for my husband) and I will neither be registering nor attending a shower because showers are the ninth circle of hell for me.

But if you want to celebrate, with or without registries or gifts at all...go for it!

ProtoLawyer (the now-actual lawyer, this isn't legal advice,  please don't take legal advice from some anonymous yahoo on the Internet)
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#8 of 34 Old 02-07-2010, 05:41 AM
 
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I'm all for bucking tradition here. Why should the first baby be showered with love and gifts and the other children get to make do with hand-me-downs??? Doesn't each child deserve its own celebration and a little something to call his/her own??? And I really, REALLY like the diaper/food party idea.
Too bad they don't do baby showers in Germany. This will be the second time I've missed out. The Germans are really superstitious about celebrating until the baby is actually born. I mean, I can understand that in the first and second trimester. But somewhere in the third trimester it should be obvious to everyone that this baby is sticky! Now I know that you can still lose your babe even at that stage (I personally know two women this has happened to, well one was actually at the end of the 2nd trimester), but the odds are very much against it. I just don't get why they put everything off until AFTER the birth. I remember being worried about having to get everything myself before birth so we'd be READY for the baby. DD's father was like, just wait, let them get us X, Y, and Z. But the thing is, what if we don't get X, Y, or Z and we need it the day we get home with dd??? Totally nuts.

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#9 of 34 Old 02-07-2010, 05:54 AM
 
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We don't do showers in the UK either.
My friends in Houston threw one for me and it was lovely! Then my Husband's boss threw a little one in the office too. I was embarrassed about registering although it was really useful for baby #1.
For subsequent children I love the idea of a celebration but with diapers or food for gifts.
When a friend has a baby I always make a lasagne or something for the freezer and buy them Dr Sears' Baby Book if it's #1 baby!

Emma - Welsh Wife to DH and Mummy to DS, Lloyd 13/08/07 and Cerys 15/07/10
Living in Russia
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#10 of 34 Old 02-07-2010, 10:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all your thoughts and insights!

I love the idea of a food shower, I also love the idea of a blessingway. Maybe we could have a potluck celebration- something simple, inclusive of the men, just to celebrate together and welcome the baby...
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#11 of 34 Old 02-07-2010, 04:40 PM
 
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I'm all for bucking tradition.

This is #1 for me (though #2 for my husband) and I will neither be registering nor attending a shower because showers are the ninth circle of hell for me.
haha! Why is that? You don't like playing baby bingo? Wrapping the mom's belly with toilet paper? Tasting baby food?

I would like to have a welcoming party type thing. Men can be included. I always thought it would be funny to do an adult party where the men have to drink beer out of baby bottles in a contest. Just because I would like to humiliate them. Just kidding!

I had a shower with my first. It is the tradition here, all family, and the grandparents invite people too. It was very weird to be honest. I think there were 90 people invited and I didn't know most of them. This time around I would like to do a small celebration thing, not a traditional shower.

I agree that it seems weird to celebrate the first but no other. The term shower, I think, comes from "showering" the mom with gifts right? So by definition it is about gifts.

I did know one girl who had a baby shower the 2nd time around, the first she asked me to throw it for her (and we aren't great friends) then the 2nd she threw her own. I thought it was a little strange because her babies were REALLY close together. To each her own I guess!

I also don't have a baptism so I don't think I would feel bad inviting people to celebrate our new little baby! I just love the idea of a small group of real friends just loving and welcoming the new baby!

Artist, teacher, wife and mommy to DSS, DD1, DD2 and surprise baby girl on the way, 7/12!

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#12 of 34 Old 02-07-2010, 06:43 PM
 
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My shower for my son was amazing- all these women in my own and my husband's extended families, and close friends of multiple generations (our girlfriends and surrogate moms from growing up). There were a few silly games, but the best part was us all sitting around and everyone wrote questions about parenting/motherhood, etc and then they were read aloud, and anyone could chime in and answer. I learned practical things, like pointing the penis down in the diaper, and other things, like it took some moms a little while to fall in love with this new person, just like anyone you just meet. (Which for me was so reassuring.) I'd love to have another event like that, and will probably try to do it after the babe is born, co-ed this time.

And if it's a girl, I'll need girly stuff (but no pink oh my!)
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#13 of 34 Old 02-07-2010, 06:54 PM
 
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It's not really my decision because I wouldn't throw a shower for myself and I wouldn't ask someone to throw one for me. I don't really want one though to be honest. For Ds, I got probably 50 bottles of Johnson and Johnson baby shampoos and lotion (not a brand I use). I also got tons plastic (also something I try to limit). Also got tons of sports clothing for Ds, and we don't even like sports It's just way to much stuff in my opinion and I hate returning or giving away gifts, it makes me feel really bad. My family gets together that time of year anyway, and we always have showers after the baby is born, so I could see them having a welcoming party which would be nice. I will just ask for no gifts.
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#14 of 34 Old 02-07-2010, 07:43 PM
 
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haha! Why is that? You don't like playing baby bingo? Wrapping the mom's belly with toilet paper? Tasting baby food?


All that and more.

It could be the baby shower where I was the only one who didn't have "my own" child (even though I'd been a stepparent--albeit unmarried--for more than two years and had worked at a Kids R Us selling kids' clothing for four years in my late teens) and therefore I wasn't allowed to have any input on kids' shoe sizing or toddler-friendly Japanese food.

Or, the ninety thousandth shower where we played that "88 K on a P" (88 keys on a piano) letter equation game, and I got them all very quickly, and was accused of cheating and wasn't allowed to choose between the peach-scented bath beads or the "island breeze" candle.

OR (and this is my personal favorite) my husband's stepsister's shower in Texas that I ended up at by sheer happenstance (we happened to schedule our trip to "meet the folks" for that same weekend), when we'd been dating about 9 months. First, the invitation got sent to "Hisname, Proto, and Child Lastname." (We've been together 5+ years now, are married, and I still don't use his last name.) Then, when we got there, we discovered that although it was billed as co-ed, that meant the woman spent time inside oohing and aahing over onesies and mini quiches and playing the aforementioned Baby Bingo (with questions about the mom- and dad-to-be, who I had not even met until that weekend) while the men went to the lake, drank beer, and played on the boats . But the best part...ALL of the women except the mom's mother (my husband's stepmother) were former members of a very competitive college drill team--even some of their moms were invited and THEY were former members of the team. All well-coiffed, made up, tall, thin, lithe. The two children (other than my now-SD) who were there were obviously future drill team members, all matchy-matchy with lots of hair styling and even some makeup (at 4). I am short, clumsy, and very Midwestern. We dressed my stepdaughter in, I think, a dinosaur-print shirt, and the whole time, I was hoping she'd either poop (she was still in Pull-ups) or tantrum so I could excuse myself. (I found out later that my husband and his dad ditched the whole thing and rode motorcycles.)

That said...I probably won't mind inviting everyone over once the baby's been around for awhile and I'm more recovered, for a meet-and-greet.

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#15 of 34 Old 02-07-2010, 07:53 PM
 
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Proto - Ha! My shower with my ds was perfect because there were NO GAMES. I hate shower games, and so does my friend who hosted it. Basically, there was food, friends, and yes, gifts. I did have to ooh and ahh, but since most of the women knew me pretty well, I got a big batch of cloth diapers, some clothes, lots of blankets, etc. Nothing I needed to return. It was really nice and laidback.

I doubt I would throw anything for myself this time around, but I hosted a very small gathering for a friend's second girl, and I wouldn't object if someone did something similar for this one. (I mean really, I like a party as much as the next person.)
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#16 of 34 Old 02-07-2010, 11:32 PM
 
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here in california, where i've lived my whole life, in my social and family circles, and the community in general it seems, it is pretty much standard to have a shower for every baby.

i think it is rude to make a comment about it being in poor taste or whatever, because it's not the mama or her husband who organizes a shower, it's a friend or family member who does it. the mama has no control really over that.

i hate showers, i hated my own, and i definitely did not want a 2nd shower, made it known that i didn't want one, but i still got one. i think this time around everyone gets that i don't want a freaking baby shower. traditional baby showers are so wasteful, the mamas always get TONS of crap that will never get used, guests hardly EVER shop off the registry etc etc.

eta: for my second shower, we put "No gifts please, but if you must bring something, hand-made or hand-me-downs or 7th gen diapers would be greatly appreciated" or something like that. i got craploads of crap, NO 7th gen dipes, but a frickin diaper cake made with huggies. *sigh* i wish people would just give a cash envelope instead of buying something stupid i.e.: obviously NOT what was asked for.

oh yeah, and we had no games!
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#17 of 34 Old 02-08-2010, 12:11 AM
 
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Proto, that's hysterical, I can see why you hate showers! My shower for DS was co-ed, very casual, and no games. It was a lot of fun, because my sister is the one who threw it and she cared about what I wanted. I got to throw her shower a year later and we had a lovely ladies tea at a tearoom, which is exactly what *she* wanted, so I paid her back

ScarletBegonias, if that was directed toward me I apologize if I offended you, but it *is* rude and tacky in my circle, and I would generally assume that unless the shower is a surprise that the guest of honor is always able to turn it down. If someone offered to throw me a shower I would very nicely thank them and decline, probably saying something like "my family would never forgive me, LOL", or suggest something like a food shower. In your case, where everyone has showers for second and third babies and I'm assuming no one would gossip about you for it, I would happily accept. Everyone is different, and all families are different, and that's great!

Mom to Liz (14) and Dillon (3) and Mitchell FINALLY born 7/11/10!
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#18 of 34 Old 02-08-2010, 12:24 AM
 
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ScarletBegonias, if that was directed toward me I apologize if I offended you, but it *is* rude and tacky in my circle, and I would generally assume that unless the shower is a surprise that the guest of honor is always able to turn it down.
oh no worries! i didn't even realize you had mentioned it, i was actually referring to the op's boss' comment.

i tried my damndest to turn down BOTH of my showers, but like i said, it's pretty much a given that you will be getting a shower here, and turning one down is considered the absolute height of rudeness. as in burning your bridges, snubbing the giver etc. it's interesting and funny how much social differences there are from region to region and from community to community.
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#19 of 34 Old 02-08-2010, 12:41 AM
 
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I argued hard against a shower for my first ds - only because I hate being the center of attention, and especially when I was pregnant. However, I can't imagine why anyone would think it was tacky to have a shower for whichever new baby they were expecting, unless her entire motive behind a shower would be to get gifts. How could you NOT want each baby to be celebrated and honored????? In the end, I loved my shower - it was organized by my sister and one of our friends, but was in my yard, was a family event (um...we are celebrating an addition to our family, why we would not want everyone else's family there??), we played no silly games, and just had a general celebratory event with all the people who would become a circle of love and support for our son. Not that I would plan my own, but I don't think I would fight it so much this time, as I want our second child to be just as celebrated as our first. And most of the people who came are people who would have brought the baby a gift anyway. I would never dream of criticizing or complaining about something that was given with the best of intentions. I guess I've learned through situations in my life to appreciate love and support from such a wonderful group of family and friends...

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#20 of 34 Old 02-08-2010, 02:34 AM
 
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I think every pregnancy and birth deserve to be celebrated!

My friends have thrown me showers for my second and third babies (ironically, we didn't have a shower for our first because she was a honeymoon baby and I felt too weird about just having had a wedding and a bridal shower and all that and hitting people up for more gifts).

The subsequent showers for me were more oriented toward the games and food and comaraderie, and I never registered for gifts. People brought them anyway, mostly baby clothes and diapers. I think if someone is having a second, third, so on shower for you, it's probably a little tacky to register, but maybe you could just give the hostess a small wish list so she spread the info by word of mouth.

Wife to a wonderful dh and mom to four beautiful kiddos, dd (3/04):, ds1 (1/06), ds2 (10/08), and ds3 (7/10)
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#21 of 34 Old 02-08-2010, 02:57 AM
 
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I definitely won't be registering this time. We didn't get any gifts off the registry last time, so no point this time at all. I would like a blessing this time, but I will stress no gifts except for more beads for my bracelet/necklace since I am doing the bead exchange here. I am thinking of doing a birth collage and might do that at the blessing. With second children, I notice more post-birth gifts. If we have a boy, I am sure we will get some clothes after as gifts. I love handmade gifts and my friends know that, so I am sure I might get some of those as well, but I'm not going to assume that.

If you want one, go for it. Especially those mamas with big age gaps--I think everyone would understand.
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#22 of 34 Old 02-08-2010, 10:11 AM
 
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oh no worries! i didn't even realize you had mentioned it, i was actually referring to the op's boss' comment.

i tried my damndest to turn down BOTH of my showers, but like i said, it's pretty much a given that you will be getting a shower here, and turning one down is considered the absolute height of rudeness. as in burning your bridges, snubbing the giver etc. it's interesting and funny how much social differences there are from region to region and from community to community.
Oh phew! I was re-reading my post because I really couldn't figure out why I was rude. Glad we are all good I think it's interesting too...I think maybe it's the wording? Here a shower means the traditional "shower mom with gifts" so there is no way to really look at it other than a gift giving occasion. I do think a party for each baby is a wonderful idea though, which is why we'll do a "meet the baby" after he/she is born

Mom to Liz (14) and Dillon (3) and Mitchell FINALLY born 7/11/10!
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#23 of 34 Old 02-08-2010, 11:30 AM
 
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But the best part...ALL of the women except the mom's mother (my husband's stepmother) were former members of a very competitive college drill team--even some of their moms were invited and THEY were former members of the team. All well-coiffed, made up, tall, thin, lithe. The two children (other than my now-SD) who were there were obviously future drill team members, all matchy-matchy with lots of hair styling and even some makeup (at 4).
I am dying, I lived in TX (moved during my teen years from a really laid back hippie town in cali) and yeah...I had some friends and all thier moms parties and what not were this all over and over again...thanks for the good laugh. My mother was shocked when we moved to TX that the women were always dressed so nicely and everyone over the age of 13 was in full makeup...(we lived in a pretty "it" area so that was prob part of the reason...)
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#24 of 34 Old 02-08-2010, 03:14 PM
 
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Good thoughts and ideas here!

My work through a big shower for #1. I'm not as involved in the company any more (thank goodness!) as it has doubled in size and I work from home, so I'm not expecting anything from work. Nor do I want more stuff.

However, I love the idea of doing something with girlfriends. I generally take the same superstitious approach as my Jewish friends, and think a shower/party after the baby's arrival is more appropriate. However, since this will be a summer baby, I LOVE the idea of maybe having a picnic with girlfriends and then maybe treating us all to pedicures, or something, a month or so before the baby is due. Not a baby shower at all - more like a bachelorette, but with full sobriety!
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#25 of 34 Old 02-08-2010, 06:46 PM
 
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That's silly. Every baby gets a shower, even if you don't need anything, and it's a no-gifts shower.

It's FUN and people want to give gifts, IME. Family and friends are often disappointed if there's no baby shower.

We are planning one for baby #2 because a. we want to celebrate the life of this lo with our loved ones b. people WANT to give us stuff, and it's better to have a registry so at least they know what you want/need c. dd will be nearly 7 at the birth, and we literally have not a baby sock left from that age with her.

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#26 of 34 Old 02-08-2010, 06:56 PM
 
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That's silly. Every baby gets a shower, even if you don't need anything, and it's a no-gifts shower.

It's FUN and people want to give gifts, IME. Family and friends are often disappointed if there's no baby shower.

We are planning one for baby #2 because a. we want to celebrate the life of this lo with our loved ones b. people WANT to give us stuff, and it's better to have a registry so at least they know what you want/need c. dd will be nearly 7 at the birth, and we literally have not a baby sock left from that age with her.

we have nothing left either - don't necessarily want gifts, as we have friends who will have lots of "hand-me-downs," but still want to celebrate!!!

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#27 of 34 Old 02-08-2010, 07:01 PM
 
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I'm very uncomfortable with second-baby showers for myself. It's just not a tradition that I've grown up with. I also think it's tacky to include "where you registered" cards with an invite. In the tradition I grew-up with, including where you registered was like "asking for gifts." Such information was simply passed around verbally. Anyway, I don't come from a tradition of shower games either (never heard of them until I moved to the midwest).

Anyway, I've got 2 circles throwing me showers. I didn't fight it but I tried to be graceful and humble about it, and I let them know I was a bit uncomfortable. The first set was neighbors and since they were all nearby, I did tell them that post-partum food would be really wonderful. It was really hard for me to ask for this but they all had some ideas on what would be useful (house-cleaning party, organizing help, etc). My 2 work bosses are also throwing me a shower. They had suggested this one group of people I used to work with - her are all men, and honestly NOT in my circle of friends - just former co-workers. I ended up sending my boss a list of about 12 women I consider friends, and she's been fine with that.

Having said all that, I do like the idea of welcoming a little-one into the world and we do that with our Christening. I invite people to the church and back to the house for cake and punch. It's very nice and hasn't been perceived as a big "gift-giving" thing. I think I got a little album, a small cross, a picture frame.

Third generation WOHM. I work by choice.
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#28 of 34 Old 02-08-2010, 11:27 PM
 
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Im in NY and usually only 1 shower per person not per child LOL
so I had my shower for my first child then I did register for my DS and plan to do it again for this baby since my IN laws want a "list" they can buy from rather than be so clueless and same for my brother. They are very generous when it comes to us having children so we register for several large items and a few smaller ones and they buy the stuff

Shelly, Mom to Sophia 5 Nicholas 3 & 2 Angels
Its a GIRL! Alyssa Ann 6/29/10 7lbs 5 oz
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#29 of 34 Old 02-09-2010, 05:36 AM
 
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I have some lovely friends that are putting together a food shower for me. I'm not supposed to know about it, I don't think, but the beans have been spilled.

My aunt also offered to give me a traditional shower, but... I don't know. We'll see about that one.

For me... yes it is child #2, but I was not initially planning on having more than one child. I gave all of dd's stuff away already. She will be ~5.5 when the baby is born. Still, I wasn't exactly expecting anything from anybody, though hand-me-downs are particularly appreciated.

The food shower is ingenious though. I did one with the same group of friends for the last one to give birth (also her second child) and we prepared a lot of food for her. And obviously is something that every mom needs, no matter what number child it is. In fact, the more kids you have to feed postpartum, the more handy it is to have prepared food!

Weirdo Mama to amazing Aurelia, age 9 & Ember Roslyn, age 3!
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#30 of 34 Old 02-09-2010, 12:24 PM
 
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That's funny - because I'm from NY. I guess that's where it comes from.

I also want to say that I found it pretty awkward to try and turn down the showers. First my neighbor emailed me and said they wanted to have a little shower for me and threw out some dates. I didn't even know what to say. After a week or so, she saw me in person and asked if I'd gotten the email. I was honest and admitted that it was so sweet of them to think of me, but that I was REALLY uncomfortable with the idea of a second shower. I really had everything I needed and I'd buy anything else used - or borrow it from all of them (Lots of kids and new babies on the block). Then she said that none of them had gotten to have a shower for me and I pointed out that all of OLD neighbors threw me a lovely shower and it was really nice, etc etc. Finally she was like - look it's just a chance for us all to get together. We've done this for everyone else and so what if it's a second kid - it will be small thing. Anyway, after all that I felt there was no gracious way to decline. Then they brain stormed and came up with some ideas for the shower - like cleaning or organizing (they've ALL been to my house!) or even just a spa day. Finally I requested the food thing, but I said it was really hard to ask for it.

I'll spare you the details conversation about the work shower, but it went similarly with my saying - oh you don't need to do that. I've got everything I need. I'll bring the baby in for the quarterly dept meeting and while I'm on leave and you can all ooo and aaahhh. I really tried to "p-shaw" it off. But when they started talking about inviting my old dept (all young men, and while I worked with them, hardly my close friends), I gave up and sent a list of invites.

Third generation WOHM. I work by choice.
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