I have a seriously pouting 7-year-old, because we told her that the birth would be adults-only. I mean no disrespect to those of you who want their kids there...but I don't.
There are many reasons...ranging from not wanting any more people there (my husband, medical professionals, that's it), not wanting to worry about how she's handling things (or having to have yet another person there to mind her), REALLY not wanting to hear "I'm bored" and "What am I going to do now?" and "HELLO!?! I'm a KID, I need attention!" (those phrases are grating as it is...this will be a hospital birth, so there'd be nowhere for her to go other than a waiting room). So far, my hospital hasn't instituted a no-children-at-all policy, but that could be an issue too.
And, importantly: Unless this is a precipitous accidental UC at home, in which case we'd have no choice but to have my stepdaughter around, I do not want the Wrath of Mom. I'm pretty sure she'd be seriously pissed if I invited her second grader to watch, regardless of whether she can handle Supernatural on TV. I don't often let "what will make Mom mad" control what we do at our house (though, if you look at the Blended forum, you will find I obsess about it anyway, because sometimes, using the wrong laundry detergent can make her mad) but I think this is something that Mom should get a say in even though it doesn't involve her at all.
So...any good advice, other than acknowledging her feelings, reassuring her that it's nothing personal, and that she'll get to visit us in the hospital as soon as they'll let us? Thanks.
I remember as a kid being terribly upset when I wasn't allowed to participate in an adults-only activity that I thought I could handle (which of course was pretty much all of them
). So I think I feel where she's coming from.
Maybe since you're not having anyone other than DH and medical folks there it might be easier to explain that this is a private moment for you and DH only rather than getting into a maturity/appropriateness argument. Just like you're not inviting your best friend or mom or sister to be there, you won't be inviting step-daughter to be there. It isn't personal and it isn't about age, this is just something private between you and your DH.
ETA: Sorry just saw your "it's nothing personal" comment at the end - so, yeah, that.
Would it be possible for, say, your husband to gently explain to her that birthing babies is difficult work, and women who are birthing can be very sensitive and get to decide, absolutely and unquestionably, who gets to be in the room? And that those decisions are based on what the individual woman birthing needs - not what she would like to need, and CERTAINLY not on what other people want, what the laboring woman NEEDS - and it is not appropriate to try and convince you to change your mind?
I don't care what she watches on TV, btw - Supernatural is 44 minutes of show intercut with commercials every time it gets really intense. Labor is longer, and it won't stop so that people can sell you diet Coke and Hidden Valley Ranch every 11 minutes. You cannot pick the remote up and shut labor off if you decide you'd rather do something else. Labor will not politely confine itself to a screen in one corner of the room, leaving the rest of the space available for lying around and eating popcorn.
I think what your doing is right. Again, no offense to those having childern present. But I know for my dd 3.5 that it would be WAY to much. I also have a few close friends with little girls around the 6/7 age group and they do NEED parental supervision and interaction while not constantly they need it frequently...thats not something you need to add to the stress of labor! PLUS I think watching that show on tv is way different then watching someone you LOVE go thourgh something that at 7 you cannot properly comprehend. (and yes she does love you as shown by how much you worry about her and how much she wants to have to do with you)
At 27 my dh was a mess watching me. I felt like I should have someone else there just to take care of him!! He was very concerned and upset over my pain and worried about all the scary things that could happen. I cannot think of a 7 year old being able to properly internalize and figure it out without lots and lots of support and help, which you and dh cannot give at the time.
I am sure there are many people out there who have thier childern watch them labor and deliver and have glourious loving experinces. But the reality is in a hospital setting where you and dh are concerned with getting the birth you want and should have that adding another dynamic might just be too much...and even if its not what about all the other women in there laboring?? Duing my labor there was a women down the hall SCREAMING....FOREVER like someone was peeling her skin off...I was seriously upset by that and quite traumatized at the time. Plus during the pushing phase alot of women make scary/notpleasent sounds that could scare a child and make them quite upset kwim??
I guess what I am saying is "yeah I totally get it and agree 100% with your choice". Maybe it would help to tell her you will call her as soon as you go into labor (if she isn't at your home) and that dh will try to call every so often to say how its going? And then let her know you will call her as soon as the baby is there and talk to her about all of it? Make sure she knows how important it is for you guys that there is someone (her) thinking happy thoughts for you while you are in labor. (I don't know if you guys are religous or not so thoughts or prayers.) Maybe let her know that the hospital DOES have a no child policy if you are in labor and that she is only allowed to visit during visiting hours after the babe is born...and then let her know when the visiting hours are and let her decide when she would like to come....
I don't know its a hard situation and I am trying to put myself into her shoes and think how I would have felt if it was my dad and stepmom..
Well, first off, I think her logic is pretty cute. I don't know what supernatural is but just that thought seems funny.
I don't think there is anything wrong with your decision, I don't think kids should be present if the parents aren't fully comfortable, especially the one in labor. Not to mention her mom, who doesn't sound like she would be okay with it at all.
I will not have kids there either, I can't imagine having dss there, maybe because he's a boy, maybe because he's a preteen, maybe because he is my stepson. I could imagine having my dd there when she's older, not that I am having more, but she loves the whole pregnancy childbirth thing and loves watching births on video.
I would probably just explain to my kids that I am in rare form at those times and it's extremely stressful. I wouldn't want to accidentally snap at them or not be able to talk to them, and it might be scary for them. I won't be myself at that time. I wasn't last time! I felt like I was possessed!
Maybe if you let her know that you want ultimate privacy for the birth, but want her to be the first to meet her little sibling? That's probably what we will do with dd at least, and dss if he's with us. (or if we can get his mom to agree to let him come) I know in custody situations that would be hard and may not even be possible, but if it is that might be a way to appease her. Also, many hospitals do have a no children policy because of germs/flu, etc. I think siblings are accepted but maybe you can use that policy to your advantage. You can always blame the hospital, you may want to do that for adults too!
Have you thought about signing her up for a "big sibling" class? We have them at our hospital and we will be signing up dd for them. DSS took them when I was pg last time. They were cheesy but he loved them and got to see the hospital. It might be another way to involve her so she doesn't feel she needs to be there for the birth.
Good luck! Now I'm wondering if my daughter will push this issue!
Thanks for the replies, ladies. (And LOL'ing at MeepyCat and the commercial breaks.)
Oh: Supernatural is a TV show I don't watch, but it's apparently kinda scary and intense.
Yeah, I do understand where she's coming from--I was like that as a child, too, probably to a bigger extreme. I preferred adult activities ("go play with the kids while the adults have coffee and conversation" was disappointing for me to hear) and didn't do a lot of kid "fun" stuff (to the point a camp counselor took me aside and tried to find out just what sort of horrors were going on at home that I would be so grown-up and serious...nothing, it was just my personality). I was only 2 when my sister was born, so I was probably too young to have a good idea of what was going on anyway.
If we do a "big sibling" class, we'll have to schedule it for the summer (June, I guess), as these all seem to be weekday evenings, when SD is with her mom (70 miles away). It's worth a look, though, and sounds like a good idea.
The "this is private" thing doesn't resonate with her--she gets VERY mopey at the idea her dad and I (or her mom) need adult time. She still doesn't appreciate getting kicked out of the room when I'm changing (though, finally, she respects bathroom privacy).
But what might work is a combination of "I will not be pleasant to be around" and "we won't be able to pay attention to you--but if you're with Grandma/your best friend/your mom, you'll have lots of attention." That and maybe some more education on normal birth--she was a C-section herself, and although she's read "It's Not The Stork," she still thinks most babies come into the world surgically. ("How will you get the medicine and the surgery if you accidentally give birth in the bathtub?") I suspect "I will push the baby out of my vagina and yes it will hurt but I will manage, and yes there will be blood, and I will probably poop and swear a lot and say hateful things I don't mean while doing so" might go a long way...
Originally Posted by ProtoLawyer
I suspect "I will push the baby out of my vagina and yes it will hurt but I will manage, and yes there will be blood, and I will probably poop and swear a lot and say hateful things I don't mean while doing so" might go a long way...
I love this!
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Related Threads
?
?
?
?
?
Mothering Forum
16.5M posts
285.1K members
Since 1996
A forum community dedicated to all mothers and inclusive family living enthusiasts. Come join the discussion about nurturing, health, behavior, housing, adopting, care, classifieds, and more!