Feeling very alone and discouraged. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 13 Old 02-14-2010, 08:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So what do you do when you're kind of left high and dry for support?

My DH is way supportive and encouraging but other than my midwife, I have zero support outside of MDC. Breastfeeding the first time around was a huge failure because of this. This time I feel much more confident and determined because I know I have my midwife to call whenever I need help or have questions.

Still, it's hard. My mother is 'supportive' but it's more like..she's accepting and keeps her mouth shut. The same goes for the rest of the women in my family. I am SO grateful to be blessed with people who love me so much and I know that I'm very lucky that they are so accepting of the parenting choices I make that are so different and seem 'strange' to them. So far there has been little to not negativity.
So that IS something I really count as a blessing.

It still leaves me needing some form of encouragement though. I'm kind of making my own way and sometimes I feel very confident and secure in this. Other times, (like now) I feel alone and like there's not that womanly form of support that I really could benefit from.

My family's attitude towards bfing is 'take it or leave it'. To them, it's not a big deal. They know it's important to me and they value that but there's no one who truly understands or has been there, done that. No wisdom is offered or can be because we do things so differently.

I had a hard week and I think maybe I'm just feeling lonely in this. I know I'm very blessed to have the women in my family be so loving and accepting because they really are VERY mainstream and we aren't the crunchiest but we're certainly not the norm. I think now with us having a homebirth and having a second child...it's making it more obvious how different we really are and that virtually, we're alone in many of our lifestyle decisions.

It's been a rough week.
Maybe I'm just craving motherly wisdom from similar minded people.

Is there anyone else who feels alone like this? I feel insecure at times, especially now with this pregnancy.

I'm proud of us doing things our way and making our own way. I love that we are and that our children will see that and benefit from it. I love that we can show our friends a different way as well...maybe educate some people that 'different' is okay...but it's lonely.

I think I'm feeling sorry for myself.

Wife to a bearded dude.
Mama to DS [05/21/08] & DD [09/16/10] 43 weeks 1 day!
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#2 of 13 Old 02-14-2010, 08:16 PM
 
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Is there a chapter of the Holistic Moms Network in your area, or maybe on meetup.com there is some kind of holistic parenting group? I love belonging to one because with them you get all kinds of encouragement from moms who do the same things. One place you don't feel weird! If you have anything like that nearby, it would be of great help I think. That support and encouragement from other like-minded mamas is invaluable.

Danielle, 29, wife to Manuel, mom to Ariana (6), Ivy (4), and one , expecting again! EDD 8/29
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#3 of 13 Old 02-14-2010, 08:56 PM
 
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I hear what you are saying; yet, I am a new mom, so this is all new for me. I am the last of my girlfriends to have children and we moved a bit too far for us to continue sharing the intimacy of day-to-day living. So, I've been needing to make new friends. If I don't, I know I'll have a hard time with adjusting to motherhood. Women need each other.

So I plan to join the local La Leache group, participate in a childbirth class (to meet other new parents) and I just discovered a play group facility that offers a monthly meeting for new parents-to-be. I am hoping these local options will help me to meet like-minded women/couples. Is there a prenatal yoga/exercise class nearby? I hope you feel better momma, its hard to be a leader for progressive and enlightened parenting.

Bekah (33): Doula and CNA sharing a great life with DH for 10 yrs now, momma to DS Baron (7/10)
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#4 of 13 Old 02-14-2010, 10:31 PM
 
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When I was pregnant with our DD we moved to a new city in my 2nd trimester. It was hard! Finding support is huge. I found it mainly in my Bradley class (I'm still friends with a couple of the women from there). I would also check out your local LLL, see if there's a Holistic Mom's Network in your area, and look for any natural parenting stores or Whole Foods and such and see if they have any groups that meet where you could find like-minded people.

Also ask your midwife if she knows of anything (or anyone) in your area. Once you start networking with people you may be surprised by how many people you find!

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#5 of 13 Old 02-14-2010, 11:04 PM
 
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I "3rd" the suggestion to find a local La Leche League chapter and go to meetings (even if you're a ways a way from birth - you can learn a lot in that time!) Mamas going to LLL tend to be on the crunchier side, and you can maybe meet more mamas through connections there.

*hugs* I am sorry you don't have the support you feel you need. It can be rough going when you feel like you are all alone. Have you asked your midwife for any suggestions of groups to join in your area? Maybe she even has some crunchy clients, and would be willing to pass on your name to them.

Loving being a stay at home mamma to DD 10/07, and newly arrived DS 7/26/10
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#6 of 13 Old 02-14-2010, 11:24 PM
 
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That is a great idea to ask your midwife about her other clients. Especially if it's a homebirth midwife. When I started an HMN chapter here, a homebirth midwife's RN assistant came alongside to co-lead with me, and right away we had a nice group of people just from people that she knew whose births she had attended, and still a big chunk of women in our group have been her clients. I had just moved back to this area and started the group to get that much-needed support and friendship and boom, we had a group right away. Also if you know doulas they would have connections.

Danielle, 29, wife to Manuel, mom to Ariana (6), Ivy (4), and one , expecting again! EDD 8/29
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#7 of 13 Old 02-15-2010, 01:16 AM
 
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Another vote for finding a LLL group. I didn't have any breastfeeding problems I just wanted to be around likeminded moms & here I am 6 years later a LLL leader. Also search your area for AP groups, or start one. I was very lucky to find one in my area on Yahoo groups. Try meetup.com too. You could even try posting in the Finding Your Tribe board here under your state.

Cheryl, wife to an amazing man, homeschooling SAHM to Gavin 12/03, Rhys 09/06, and Ian Aug 11, 2010.

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#8 of 13 Old 02-16-2010, 01:17 AM
 
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Oh man do I feel you. I have tried and tried to find my 'tribe' in this parenting gig and it's been one big fat failure after another. I tried the Holistic Moms Network and I just ... didn't fit in. I got tired of schlepping myself 20+ miles to each meeting/event and having no one talk to me. I have been entirely abandoned by my pre-kid friends. I don't think I've been this lonely since elementary school.

So yeah. I hear you. I'm in a similar position, only I have no family to speak of. What family I have is crazy and severely abusive and it's really not a good idea to talk to them. Lately this has all been feeling so much worse than usual. I'm really tempted to go write my own post because I feel bad taking over your thread.

I have no advice for you. My life sucks and I don't know how to fix it either.

My advice may not be appropriate for you. That's ok. You are just fine how you are and I am the right kind of me.

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#9 of 13 Old 02-16-2010, 01:21 AM
 
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op and rightkindofme. There have been times in my life when I have been very alone in my choices as well. It'll get better and in the meantime you've got MDC/DDC! (tho I know it's not a perfect sub for IRL kindred spirits).

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#10 of 13 Old 02-16-2010, 01:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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There are literally zero LLL groups in my area. My midwife is actually an hour away so she has no resources in my area to suggest. I've searched and searched and come up with nothing.

There were a couple of moms on MDC in my area that I did PM but neither of them seemed very interested in getting together or even really keeping in touch.

Ugh, this is so frustrating. I'm glad I have MDC though. You guys really are my most invaluable resource.

Wife to a bearded dude.
Mama to DS [05/21/08] & DD [09/16/10] 43 weeks 1 day!
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#11 of 13 Old 02-16-2010, 02:04 PM
 
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I just want to give you a big hug!! Women are naturally social people, and to not have that really is a bummer!

I am going to be in the same boat once DH ships out for the army, and I am left alone with the kiddos living at a new army base I know nothing about. I just hope we get stationed somewhere that's a little crunchy! *crosses fingers* The really negative part, is we will be moving right around my due date, so it's even more critical to establish friendships quickly.

I wish you the best of luck!! MDC sure has helped give me that added confidence, but I understand it cant fill every need!

Kourtney, happily married to my soldier and raising ds 7/08 .... dd 7/10..... and ds 11/11

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#12 of 13 Old 02-20-2010, 01:54 AM
 
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My heart goes out to you. I am in the green mountains of VT far from family and it's tough to mother alone- but it was also tough back home with a fam that has very different beliefs on parenting. Just know you are not alone!
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#13 of 13 Old 02-20-2010, 07:43 PM
 
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Hugs to you! I'm sorry that you are feeling alone, and we are here for you even if online! I feel for you, I found your post as I am about to write a similar one. It takes a lot of strength to make your own way. I'm glad to hear your mother and family are at least around, maybe even if they don't know exactly what you are going through or don't have experience doing things in the same way as you, it sounds like they are trying to be respectful. It must be hard not having others in your area, but try to hang in there and stay connected in other ways. You are definitely not alone in your feelings!
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