Spotlight on... AutumnAir! April 17-21 - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 19 Old 04-18-2010, 12:58 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Here's a few questions to get you started... feel free to add more info to this!

EDD:
Name:
Age:
Location:
Family:
Baby's Gender (hopes or guesses):
Names you like:
Birth Plans/Preferences:
Strangest craving/aversion this pregnancy:
Hobbies/Interests:
Occupation:
How you met your SO:
How you ended up at MDC:

Loving being a stay at home mamma to DD 10/07, and newly arrived DS 7/26/10
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#2 of 19 Old 04-18-2010, 05:52 AM
 
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EDD: Well, the 'real' one based on my LMP is 5th August, but since DD came at 43 +1 weeks last time (also based on LMP) I decided to be a little flexible with the truth, so to the MWs, docs and everyone else who asks (family included!) the EDD is 12th August - and along with that I remind everyone that DD came late so not to even start to expect to see this one before late August!! I would have lied more and given myself even more wiggle room, but I wanted to get the 20 week anatomy scan, and worried that if baby was measuring too far ahead for the dates I gave them that they'd start freaking out about that instead. It's annoying, because I'm still likely to go past the arbitrary date of 10 days past EDD that they will 'allow' me to go to and have a HB - but I'm planning to just stand my ground on that one. (That's a bit of a novel! )

Name: Lisa

Age: 31

Location: *********, UK

Family: Just DH and 2 year old DD so far.

Baby's Gender (hopes or guesses): We specifically didn't want to find out this time, so told the tech not to look at the U/S. DH thinks girl, I think boy. That's what we both thought last time, and DH was right - we'll see this time. I think I'd slightly prefer a girl over a boy - partly because I always wanted a sister (I have one younger brother) and because we already have a whole bunch of cute girl stuff so it'd be less expensive too.

Names you like: We have the boy name picked out since last time; Colm (after my grandfather) James (after DH's grandfather). We're still a bit dithery on girls' names but have tentatively picked Saoirse (my choice - Irish name meaning 'freedom') Lily (DH's choice, to go with DD's middle name of Rose).

Birth Plans/Preferences: Planning another homebirth. Last time I was living in the Czech Republic which is ridiculously anti-homebirth. Still managed to find an under-the-radar midwife, but a whole host of things conspired against me and I ended up with a very probably unnecessary and extremely traumatic hospital transfer and birth rape to 'punish' me for my choice to homebirth.
I finally convinced DH to leave the Czech Republic to move back to the UK, in large part because I knew I would eventually want another baby but there was no way in hell I was going to have another one in that country - I wanted to be somewhere that was at least somewhat supportive of natural birth/homebirth.
I still get panic attacks about the thought of the birth - I have PTSD from the first one but have hired a doula and am doing Hypnobabies - trying my best to ensure that I have the resources to make this a healing birth.
My ideal preference would be to UC, but DH would be less than useless in that situation, and I wouldn't want the doula to get into trouble. But I've already told them that I basically don't want to call the midwives until I'm pushing (never got to pushing last time) so with a bit of luck it might be a semi-accidental UC

Strangest craving/aversion this pregnancy: I can't stomach tea or coffee at all - odd because I love them both when not pregnant. And a bit annoying, because when I really need the occasional caffeine fix I have to resort to drinking a can of coke - far less healthy than a nice cup of tea! Otherwise nothing really.

Hobbies/Interests: I used to be pretty active, but since having DD I've turned into a bit of a couch potato, because the things I liked doing I couldn't bring DD along for, and I couldn't leave her either (seriously high-needs baby/toddler - I've only started to be able to leave her with her dad or grans for an hour or two in the last 6 months or so!!) So now, my hobbies are mostly reading, walking when the weather's decent, researching 'stuff' on the internet - quite a lot of parenting things, but I also love to just jump into Wiki and start chasing links Oh, and also the distance learning proof-reading course I'm doing at the moment!

Occupation: Well, now I'm a SAHM. Before DD I was a TEFL teacher and teacher trainer - a challenging but rewarding job. I think I might like to get back to it eventually, but I've been out of it for so long even now that to get back I'd have to do all sorts of re-training... Ideally we're hoping I'll be able to SAH with the two kids (we're done after this one) until they're both in school. But money is very tight, so I'm taking the proofreading course in the hopes that I'll be able to do a bit of WAH too, to bring in a bit extra while saving on childcare

How you met your SO: We were working at the same school. He'd worked there for years previously, then just before I'd started there he'd left to go back to the UK. But then the following year he came back. We were sharing a class on our timetable so met up to discuss our class plan, and liked each other immediately. To the point where after meeting up he pretended he needed to catch the metro too to have an excuse to walk to the metro stop with me, in the rain, no less! The next day, a Friday, we were out at a work party, sloped off by ourselves, had 'the' talk, kissed and were inseparable for the rest of the weekend. The Saturday I'd arranged to go to a sex expo with some friends for a laugh, so dragged him along - we joke that that was our first date! The follwing Tuesday he told me he loved me. Shortly afterwards we moved in together, got engaged a couple of months later and finally got married just over a year after we first met!

How you ended up at MDC: I had come across it a few times in the 'natural birth and natural parenting' searches I was doing to prepare for DD's birth, but I wasn't really sure about online forums back then. Then afterwards we also had huge breastfeeding problems - I found kellymom.com first and joined the forum there so I could get some help. Really enjoyed being able to 'chat' to people again - having DD was very isolating for me - but wanted *more* chatting. A few people over there mentioned MDC so over I popped! Plenty of stuff to talk about here!!

Lisa - mama to Eleanor Rose 01/08 and Saoirse Lily 09/10
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#3 of 19 Old 04-19-2010, 02:07 PM
 
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Feel free to ask questions!

Lisa - mama to Eleanor Rose 01/08 and Saoirse Lily 09/10
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#4 of 19 Old 04-19-2010, 10:30 PM
 
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I am just curious about your birth with DD. What do you mean by "Birth rape"? Why didn't you get a chance to push with her?

**Meghan***Wife, Mother, L&D RN... DS Logan 9/05 DS Riley 05/07, and DS #3 Cian is here!!! 7/25 x3
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#5 of 19 Old 04-20-2010, 03:40 AM
 
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Hi, Lisa! sorry to hear about your birth experience with DD. I'm also curious about the details.

Apart from that: I'm a TEFL teacher too, used to teach in Thailand before I got pregnant and had my DS there. Do you speak Czech? I found it rather challenging to teach English to absolute beginners with my very limited Thai...

Is your DH from the UK too?

Did you already join a DDC when you were pregnant with DD? Oh, just read your post again: I guess not

Oh, and try Guarana powder for caffein! It's very effective and much less hyper-making than coke or coffee. you can mix it with pretty much every drink you like. Gotta get used to the taste though. YOu should be able to get it in any organic food store.

Franziska , DW to )oi , SAHM to Noah 06/2008, Sophia 08/2010, and Junis 11/2012

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#6 of 19 Old 04-20-2010, 05:19 AM
 
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Originally Posted by momongeon View Post
I am just curious about your birth with DD. What do you mean by "Birth rape"? Why didn't you get a chance to push with her?
Planned homebirth. Laboured at home from 6pm to 6am by myself (DH out, then asleep). Called MW at 6am - she arrived at 8am (straight from another birth) and was very grumpy and unsupportive - totally the opposite of what she had been all the way. She checked me - I was dilated to 8.

I had been having 'normal' labour up till about midnight - contractions gradually increasing in frequency, length and intensity. Then at midnight it all changed, and suddenly there were no breaks at all - just one horrible never-ending all-consuming pain. It wasn't in my uterus any more - it was all over. I'm pretty sure, with hind-sight, that this is when DD moved and became posterior and asynclitic.

So, by the time the MW came I had been just struggling to cope, with no breaks, for 8 hours. Couldn't speak because it took all my effort just to stay conscious. Was getting dehydrated because I couldn't ask for water. She did absolutely nothing supportive, just criticised how I was breathing

Checked again at 10 am - I was 10cm but with a lip. No pushing urge. I maybe should have tried pushing anyway, but was afraid of swelling up and making it worse, and the couple of times I did try pushing it just didn't feel right. By 2pm MW had obviously run out of patience with me. Despite there being no indication that DD wasn't fine she coerced me into transferring by telling me (after she'd sent DH out of the room) that she was going to walk out if I didn't agree to go to the hospital.

It was absolutely the last thing I wanted, but I was so exhausted and worn out at this point, and so lacking in any kind of support that I allowed myself to give in. She drove us there, promising that she would come in with us and act as a doula for me.

When we got there I was taken off to sit for 20 minutes on a CTG machine, away from DH and MW. DD's heart rate was still fine. Then they led me back to a delivery room - I asked for DH and MW, but only DH came. The MW had told me that I probably needed oxtyocin to make the contractions more productive, so I acquiesced when they wanted me to lie on the bed to be checked and have an IV put in, as I figured once they'd done that they'd either discuss the situation with us, or leave us alone for a while. (I can't believe I was so naive! )

Instead, while ostensibly checking me the OB manually dilated the rest of my cervix, cut a huge episiotomy and performed a high forceps delivery (which I later discovered is a very risky procedure at the best of times). All this with no warning, absolutely no chance to consent or refuse, and without any pain relief at all - it was the worst pain I've ever felt. While it was happening I heard one of the nurses protesting (in Czech - I guess they thought I wouldn't understand) about what they were doing to me, and the other doctor replying that I'd brought it on myself. "She obviously wanted to be in pain if she was stupid enough to try to have a baby at home. So lets give her some pain." They took DD away to another room immediately, so I didn't even get to see her, and then proceeded to spend half an hour stitching me up - again not even a local anesthetic - while telling me how incredibly stupid I was, how they should call the police on me, and how I deserved this.

I won't even go into how horribly we were treated during the enforced 4 day stay in the hospital afterwards, but that, essentially is the story of my birth rape and torture.

Looking back, I figure that they thought that since I was stupid enough to want a homebirth that I wasn't worth wasting time or resources on. They didn't want to waste the time waiting for me to give birth, nor did they want to waste the time getting me an epidural for a procedure which is supposed to be done with epidural anesthesia. Even a crash c-section would have taken longer than they were willing to spend on me. From the time I walked into the delivery room to the time DD was pulled out of me was just over 10 minutes. Very efficient!

Lisa - mama to Eleanor Rose 01/08 and Saoirse Lily 09/10
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#7 of 19 Old 04-20-2010, 05:27 AM
 
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Hi, Lisa! sorry to hear about your birth experience with DD. I'm also curious about the details.

Apart from that: I'm a TEFL teacher too, used to teach in Thailand before I got pregnant and had my DS there. Do you speak Czech? I found it rather challenging to teach English to absolute beginners with my very limited Thai...

Is your DH from the UK too?

Did you already join a DDC when you were pregnant with DD? Oh, just read your post again: I guess not

Oh, and try Guarana powder for caffein! It's very effective and much less hyper-making than coke or coffee. you can mix it with pretty much every drink you like. Gotta get used to the taste though. YOu should be able to get it in any organic food store.
I do speak some Czech, though I can understand quite a bit more than I can speak. With the training I had I actually found it really enjoyable teaching complete beginners only through English, although I could have translated for them if I'd wanted to. I think it's more fun, and the students learn more and hang on to the information better when they work things out for themselves, from context, miming, pictures, etc, than simply a list of words translated into another list of words! Plus, it helps them to realise early on that they don't have to understand every single word that someone says to understand the overall meaning, so it builds their confidence.

Yeah, I'm actually Irish, and DH is English. Where we are is kind of 'half-way' between our families. *********'s on the west coast, so I can fly over to Ireland in 45 minutes (on the actual plane - though all the to-ing and fro-ing means it really takes the best part of a day) and DH's family are in the midlands - it takes about 3 hours to drive there.

Nope - hadn't discovered the joys of online forums or DDCs when I was pregnant with DD.

Must check out the Guarana powder - thanks for the tip!

Lisa - mama to Eleanor Rose 01/08 and Saoirse Lily 09/10
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#8 of 19 Old 04-20-2010, 02:49 PM
 
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That sounds like a horror movie. I wouldn't want to birth in a hospital after that. The good news is that 1st babies pave the way for the second so you will have a much different experience. Also you will never have to see that MW or hospital staff ever again. It sounds like you are now in a place that excepts home births. My fingers are crossed that you get exactly the experience you want.

Do you have a close friend that could be your support since it sounds like your dh wasn't much help?

**Meghan***Wife, Mother, L&D RN... DS Logan 9/05 DS Riley 05/07, and DS #3 Cian is here!!! 7/25 x3
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#9 of 19 Old 04-20-2010, 03:37 PM
 
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OMG... I won't even start trying to comprehend what you've been through - I would just get way too worked up! the injustice of it all and the cheek... I would have felt the urge to go back there and actually hurt these people. I know that's not a very mature way to deal with it, but that's what I'd feel like.

If you have been able to deal with the experience all by yourself and with the help of friends you are a very strong and mentally stable person - nevertheless, I think I would look for some professional help just to make sure that no remnants of this horrid experience surface again during the crucial time of your second birth. But if you know that you have PTSD (no wonder!) you will probably already have considered this.

On another note: your DD is only a few months older than my DS. Are you cosleeping with her? DS is very focused on me too and I am starting to wonder how things will be with the new baby... This afternoon-nap he slept cuddled up in my arms for two hours (I am taking the opportunity to nap with him whenever I'm tired - we all know sleep is going to be a rare thing once the new LOs are here) - and that is not gonna work come august...

Where in Ireland are you from? I've visited several times and it is one of my favorite countries

Franziska , DW to )oi , SAHM to Noah 06/2008, Sophia 08/2010, and Junis 11/2012

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#10 of 19 Old 04-20-2010, 03:54 PM
 
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That sounds like a horror movie. I wouldn't want to birth in a hospital after that. The good news is that 1st babies pave the way for the second so you will have a much different experience. Also you will never have to see that MW or hospital staff ever again. It sounds like you are now in a place that excepts home births. My fingers are crossed that you get exactly the experience you want.

Do you have a close friend that could be your support since it sounds like your dh wasn't much help?
Thanks - I'm really hoping that this birth will be a healing one. Although I'm hoping for a wonderful homebirth I think that even if I end up transferring again I'll be okay as long as I'm treated with respect and 'allowed' my basic human right to informed consent/refusal of treatment. Which is difficult in any hospital, but hopefully less so here.

I don't have any close friends here yet, since we moved less than a year ago and I've been a SAHM the whole time, but we are hiring a doula this time - she seems lovely, and will hopefully be able to help DH to help me. He's not a bad guy, just utterly hopeless when it comes to labour and birth - he can't even watch it on TV!

Lisa - mama to Eleanor Rose 01/08 and Saoirse Lily 09/10
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#11 of 19 Old 04-20-2010, 04:05 PM
 
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OMG... I won't even start trying to comprehend what you've been through - I would just get way too worked up! the injustice of it all and the cheek... I would have felt the urge to go back there and actually hurt these people. I know that's not a very mature way to deal with it, but that's what I'd feel like.

If you have been able to deal with the experience all by yourself and with the help of friends you are a very strong and mentally stable person - nevertheless, I think I would look for some professional help just to make sure that no remnants of this horrid experience surface again during the crucial time of your second birth. But if you know that you have PTSD (no wonder!) you will probably already have considered this.

On another note: your DD is only a few months older than my DS. Are you cosleeping with her? DS is very focused on me too and I am starting to wonder how things will be with the new baby... This afternoon-nap he slept cuddled up in my arms for two hours (I am taking the opportunity to nap with him whenever I'm tired - we all know sleep is going to be a rare thing once the new LOs are here) - and that is not gonna work come august...

Where in Ireland are you from? I've visited several times and it is one of my favorite countries
Yeah, I spent a long time being very very angry and traumatised. I am definitely better than I was, but the pregnancy and the thought of giving birth again has triggered the nightmares and flashbacks to a certain extent. I know I should talk to a professional about it, but I just plain can't afford it. The doula is really more than we can afford, but I'm insisting on that. I have been able to talk to her a bit about what happened, so she's aware of my history, and will hopefully be able to convince whichever MW shows up on the day to be extra gentle/nice to me on the basis of it.

We're in the process of transitioning DD to her 'big girl bed' at the moment. She still needs me to lie down with her to get her to sleep, but once she goes to sleep she'll usually sleep at least 4 hours, then sometimes I can convince her to go back to sleep in her own bed, other times she comes into bed with DH and I. A couple of nights she's actually slept through in her own bed!! I don't really know how things are going to work when the new baby comes either - I'm trying not to think about it and just stock up on sleep now!

I grew up in Kilkenny, in the South-east, but my mom's family are in Dublin and my dad's family are from Mayo, over in the West - I was actually born in Mayo too. Which bits of Ireland have you visited?

Lisa - mama to Eleanor Rose 01/08 and Saoirse Lily 09/10
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#12 of 19 Old 04-20-2010, 06:26 PM
 
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I just have to say that I LOVE the name Saoirse!! Unfortunatly here in the US, especially in Southern Ca with DH being 1nd generation in his family born in US from Mexico, it is too "weird" & Dh veto'd it right away. I'll bet it is fairly common there.

Cheryl, wife to an amazing man, homeschooling SAHM to Gavin 12/03, Rhys 09/06, and Ian Aug 11, 2010.

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have you started Hypnobabies yet? The fear releasing exercise is fabulous and could really help get you through. I loved Hypnobabies!!! I did not have traumatic birth like yours but I did have a little PTSD from it and I LOVED knowing that that birth experience would be different. And boy was it ever.

Don't worry if your dh doesn't want to help with the prep or during your birth b/c it is not necessary. My dh never once looked at the stuff and would not go to bed many nights until the cd was done. It just made him nervous.

**Meghan***Wife, Mother, L&D RN... DS Logan 9/05 DS Riley 05/07, and DS #3 Cian is here!!! 7/25 x3
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#14 of 19 Old 04-21-2010, 05:31 AM
 
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I have started Hypnobabies, but I'm taking 2 weeks to do each 'class' so I'm still only on the first CD. I am definitely looking forward to the fear-releasing exercise though. So far, I've been focusing on the affirmation "This is a new baby and a new birth experience" - reminding myself not to fight the last war!

DH doesn't mind it so much - I listen to the affirmations in bed while reading, and he finds them so relaxing he invariably falls asleep during them!! But I don't think he's going to be the sort to help me hypnotise myself. His attitude is that all the pregnancy and birth stuff is on me - I do the research so I get to make the decisions and he won't argue the toss with me, which is nice enough, but the flip-side is that he doesn't want to have any real responsibility for the whole thing. I figure his job during the birth can be to look after DD while the doula looks after me.

Lisa - mama to Eleanor Rose 01/08 and Saoirse Lily 09/10
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#15 of 19 Old 04-21-2010, 05:45 AM
 
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I did not have traumatic birth like yours but I did have a little PTSD from it and I LOVED knowing that that birth experience would be different. And boy was it ever.
If you had PTSD you must have had trauma. IMO it's kind of counterproductive to 'compare' relative traumas. I know some moms who have had C-sections who would argue that I should count myself lucky to have had a vaginal birth, despite the cost. Many moms have had far more horrific experiences than me, and others have had comparatively easy experiences. But that doesn't matter - it's how it affects you that matters. So much of it comes down to not the actual concrete experience, but your state of mind going into it, your perception of events, how you felt yourself to be treated, the resources you have, and so on.

One of the things I have learned from my experience is that trauma cannot and should not be dismissed or downplayed. No one else gets to judge whether or not you should or shouldn't feel traumatised. (I think that's one of the reasons why the 'You should be thankful you have a healthy baby' line rankles so much - it's tantamount to minimising our traumatic experiences and telling us we have no 'right' to be traumatised since our baby is okay.) So even if a mom says she was traumatised by having someone look at her the wrong way - well she's perfectly entitled to feel that way, and it doesn't make her pain any less valid than mine, or someone else. KWIM?

Anyway, off my soapbox, You said you had a very different second birth. Was it a healing one? What was different for you? How did you prepare for the birth, knowing that something might go 'wrong' but also keeping your hope/faith that it would work out just fine? This is what I'm struggling with at the moment.

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#16 of 19 Old 04-21-2010, 06:19 AM
 
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If you had PTSD you must have had trauma. IMO it's kind of counterproductive to 'compare' relative traumas. I know some moms who have had C-sections who would argue that I should count myself lucky to have had a vaginal birth, despite the cost. Many moms have had far more horrific experiences than me, and others have had comparatively easy experiences. But that doesn't matter - it's how it affects you that matters. So much of it comes down to not the actual concrete experience, but your state of mind going into it, your perception of events, how you felt yourself to be treated, the resources you have, and so on.

One of the things I have learned from my experience is that trauma cannot and should not be dismissed or downplayed. No one else gets to judge whether or not you should or shouldn't feel traumatised. (I think that's one of the reasons why the 'You should be thankful you have a healthy baby' line rankles so much - it's tantamount to minimising our traumatic experiences and telling us we have no 'right' to be traumatised since our baby is okay.) So even if a mom says she was traumatised by having someone look at her the wrong way - well she's perfectly entitled to feel that way, and it doesn't make her pain any less valid than mine, or someone else. KWIM?

Anyway, off my soapbox, You said you had a very different second birth. Was it a healing one? What was different for you? How did you prepare for the birth, knowing that something might go 'wrong' but also keeping your hope/faith that it would work out just fine? This is what I'm struggling with at the moment.
My first delivery was not really that bad. I was in labor for a long time, exausted and losing my shit the whole time. I was offered pit b/c I was having prolonged latent labor. I asked for an epidural if they started pit. My MW knew I wanted a water birth so she said we could just see where my body wanted to take me. After that I just got into a groove. I finally started making change and it was so intense I would not have been able to sit for an epidural. When I was an anterior lip she offered to break my water. As I considered it my water broke on it's own. The trauma happened when my lip swelled and I had to wait to push for 6hrs unmedicated. I did get the waterbirth I wanted but it was just a little piece of hell.

My second delivery was calm I had latent labor but this time I let her break my water b/c I was tired of being in early labor and 7cm. I delivered with much less distress 30 min later. I just told myself that this will be a different experience.

**Meghan***Wife, Mother, L&D RN... DS Logan 9/05 DS Riley 05/07, and DS #3 Cian is here!!! 7/25 x3
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#17 of 19 Old 04-22-2010, 05:57 AM
 
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My first delivery was not really that bad. I was in labor for a long time, exausted and losing my shit the whole time. I was offered pit b/c I was having prolonged latent labor. I asked for an epidural if they started pit. My MW knew I wanted a water birth so she said we could just see where my body wanted to take me. After that I just got into a groove. I finally started making change and it was so intense I would not have been able to sit for an epidural. When I was an anterior lip she offered to break my water. As I considered it my water broke on it's own. The trauma happened when my lip swelled and I had to wait to push for 6hrs unmedicated. I did get the waterbirth I wanted but it was just a little piece of hell.

My second delivery was calm I had latent labor but this time I let her break my water b/c I was tired of being in early labor and 7cm. I delivered with much less distress 30 min later. I just told myself that this will be a different experience.
That sounds like a rough labour to me. I'm glad you had a better experience second time around.

Lisa - mama to Eleanor Rose 01/08 and Saoirse Lily 09/10
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#18 of 19 Old 04-22-2010, 06:00 AM
 
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Thanks everyone for this - I guess the one thing you all definitely learned about me is that I can't write short replies!!! I always start off meaning to be pithy and concise, but it just gets away from me!!

Anyway, looking forward to getting to know the rest of you in the spotlight over the coming months

Lisa - mama to Eleanor Rose 01/08 and Saoirse Lily 09/10
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#19 of 19 Old 04-22-2010, 09:47 AM
 
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Originally Posted by AutumnAir View Post
I grew up in Kilkenny, in the South-east, but my mom's family are in Dublin and my dad's family are from Mayo, over in the West - I was actually born in Mayo too. Which bits of Ireland have you visited?
We went to... all over, I guess, when I was 6 years old. It was a magical summer Then I spent a summer with friends in Thomastown, Kilkenny, when I was 15 and two more summers hitchhiking from Dublin all the way along the south and west coast up to Galway (to hang out at the arts festival) when I was 17 and 18. I haven't gone back since... I guess it's about time Maybe we'll be able to afford a family holiday again one day.

Franziska , DW to )oi , SAHM to Noah 06/2008, Sophia 08/2010, and Junis 11/2012

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