Husband doesn't want homebirth :( - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 8 Old 06-14-2010, 05:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ok, so I know there's a homebirth support thread, but I didn't want to bog it down with this post.
I posted on there recently that up until now I've been planning a birthcenter birth. I've said before, it's nothing more than a small 2 bedroom home where my midwives "practice". REally what I call a "home away from home birth." For the past few weeks I've been thinking that it just seems ridiculous to drive to another home and have this baby when I can just have her here. Plus all my reasons for not having her here (size of home, safety, convenience) have no validation as I do more research and become more comfortable with the concept of my body naturally delivering this baby. I planned on talking with my midwife about it on my next visit in 2 weeks so I briefly discussed it with DH.
Now, up until now he has been completely open to whatever I wanted. He says he trusts my research and what I feel and is just going along with it. When I brought up that I wanted a homebirth I didn't expect him to even flinch. Instead, he looked at me like I was crazy and said "Wouldn't that be messy?!" Once I explained to him that we would be prepared for any "mess" he said, "Well, I guess I just think it's weird. I just don't want to do it at OUR home."
I explained to him that we were doing nothing more than a homebirth at the "birthcenter" and that it seemed easier and more convenient to have the baby at home, plus I was beginning to really want it. He just basically said he felt more comfortable having it outside of the home, even if that meant another home. I'm dumbfounded. He really made me feel like he was giving me a flat out "No."

I respect him and want him to feel completely comfortable with our child's birth, so if he really had strong convictions against it that I couldn't comfort I would make myself happy with the birthcenter birth...he just doesn't seem to have any rational reasons for not wanting it besides that it's "weird". I can't tell if he's worried about what people would think...or what? His own father tells me he was born on the floor of his mother's Kentucky cabin...so it's not THAT weird in his family!!

He promised me he would think about it, but I feel like he just said that to pacify me. Has anyone else experienced this? How would you handle it?

Jamie, parenting w/ DH , DS1 (02/04), DD (06/06), DS2 (09/08) and DD2 born 8/04/10 9lb 1 oz
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#2 of 8 Old 06-14-2010, 05:47 PM
 
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Aw, I'm really sorry about this!

My husbands concerns for a homebirth were also about cleanliness/messing up our home..as was one of mine. We are both extremely clean people, and my house is very clean and organized...so this seemed really weird to him, and to me.."how to contain the mess", as if I'd be spraying the walls with blood or something!

It was a bit hurtful that this was his main concern! The midwife spoke with him at one of my appointments, and explained how little clean up there really is, and that she's never had a stain on carpet or anything, that can't be removed. She explained her and her assistant were in charge of the cleaning up, and that it wouldn't take away from the birth/recovery time.

It helped him a lot, and now we joke about wrapping the bed in plastic wrap and all that...I have everything organized, and plan on being more ready with double sheets/protector in between, and I have separate towels for the birth, etc.

I don't know how to "convince" someone, other than to explain the benefits to them, and help answer their questions fears.

I'm thinking of you, and hope you get the opportunity to birth where you feel most comfortable. I know it's a big deal, yet it's one where we need to consider the concerns and fears of our spouse, as well.

Blessings!

Blessed Christian Wife and Homeschooling Mother joyfully raising 10 children including newborn boy/girl twins!



‘To someone whose god is science, vaccination makes sense. But to someone whose god is God, it is appalling’ - Dr. Golden.
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#3 of 8 Old 06-14-2010, 05:57 PM
 
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I'm sorry that you aren't feeling supported in your wishes right now. We have not been planning a homebirth because of the cost, but if it were a serious option for us, I'm SURE my DH would have the same issue. Sure of it.

Maybe your DH can be gently convinced otherwise.

Amy (34): mommy to DD1 (11/07) and DD2 (7/10), wife, wohm, and wannabe suburban homesteader.
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#4 of 8 Old 06-15-2010, 12:57 AM
 
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I wouldn't be all that nice in your situation. Words like, "Well then when you squeeze something the size of a watermelon out of an opening the size of a lemon you can choose to go somewhere else. I'm staying home."

The whole idea of a birthing center kind of baffles me. You then have to drive home RIGHT AFTER giving birth with an hours old child. Hospital births where you at least get to rest for a while and start the healing process makes WAY more sense to me. And seriously, the mess isn't such a big deal.

My advice may not be appropriate for you. That's ok. You are just fine how you are and I am the right kind of me.

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#5 of 8 Old 06-15-2010, 05:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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This birth center is not at all comparable to a hospital birth, it's kind of a "convenient" home birth, where the midwives do most of the prep and clean up. You just kind of show up and have the baby, then go home after about 5 hours. So I can understand why it would be chosen over a hospital birth...I'm just having a hard time figuring out why someone would choose it over a birth in their OWN home
My mw said that a lot of people who want an out of hospital experience aren't ready to make the "jump" to homebirth, and the center is their answer. I think I chose it at first so as not to freak out members of my family who might be opposed to the idea of a home birth. It gives the impressions of being "safer" even though, really, it's not at all. Once everyone got used to the idea of being out of hospital (and spent some time at the birth center) it slowly dawned on everyone (myself included) that I might as well save time and stay home!!
I'm trying NOT to get super angry. I want him to feel comfortable about this whole thing because I would honestly not have a positive experience if I thought he was feeling uncomfortable about anything. The problem is, he wasn't telling me what his issues were exactly. He says he doesn't care about what other people think, he's not worried about safety and he trusts my midwife. So, I can't figure out why he's opposed to it. "Weird" is not a good enough reason!!

We talked about it a bit today and I told him that if he had *strong convictions against it that he could share with me that I would settle myself with the birth center. However, if he can't come up with any reason besides, "It seems weird," I'm not a happy camper. He asked me if I would have pressure or added stress trying to keep the house immaculate before birth and I told him I thought of it more as "motivation". Then he wanted to know if I would be okay giving birth in a home that isn't ours that we will leave someday. I told him I wasn't sure how I would feel when we moved out, but I can assure him that the birth experience here wasn't going to make me want to STAY forever! I'd be leaving the hospital or birthing center anyway

When I asked him if he could see any advantages to a home birth he said no. I told him my list of "pros" and I hope it's enough to help him see that it's worth the initial feeling of uneasiness he may feel about the whole thing. He said he'll think about it some more. I'm praying he'll look at it objectively. I have a feeling that either way he knows I'm going to get what I want...I just really want him to be onboard with the whole thing....kwim?

Jamie, parenting w/ DH , DS1 (02/04), DD (06/06), DS2 (09/08) and DD2 born 8/04/10 9lb 1 oz
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#6 of 8 Old 06-15-2010, 07:53 PM
 
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I do get what you mean. I hope he understands what a patient and wonderful wife he has.

My advice may not be appropriate for you. That's ok. You are just fine how you are and I am the right kind of me.

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#7 of 8 Old 06-15-2010, 09:17 PM
 
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It sounds like you are doing a good job of discussing the issue with DH. I just wanted to add that if he is really worried about the mess/etc, you might want to view some YouTube videos of homebirths so he can see how little mess there actually is. And as for keeping the house clean...I honestly didn't worry about it. I figured the MW are used to seeing the mess of life, and I wasn't going to act like the queen was coming to dinner or something.

CD'ing, homebirthing, milk making school teacher. Supporting my family on my income and trying to get out of debt in 2013!
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#8 of 8 Old 06-16-2010, 01:10 AM
 
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My husband and I are both science/mathy people and the last thing we needed to really feel comfortable with homebirth was reading Henci Goer's "Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth". The whole last third is references and statistics showing the safety of out-of-hospital birth, essentially.

That said, I know what you mean about birth centers pretty much being a home birth outside your home. Birth centers weren't available here during my previous births. Now they are, but I've had to transfer my babies to the NICU due to breathing issues and I'm having a hospital birth this time in order to skip the potential transfer (I'm planning to show up as late as possible). If we went to a birth center, I'd have the same transfer as I would with a homebirth. Hopefully I'll be too far into labor la-la land to care about the lame hospital stuff I might have to put up with.

Mama to Peter (3/8/04), Leo (3/12/06), Timothy (7/24/10), and boy #4 due on the summer solstice 2014
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