WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE SO &^%$ DIFFICULT?
I have spent *years* researching birth and looking at all the evidence. I have chosen to birth the way that I believe, based on all the research and evidence, will be most likely to result in a healthy gentle birth for both my baby and myself.
With DD I overcame numerous obstacles, like finding a homebirth MW abroad, in a country where I didn't speak the language, which was extremely paternalistic and anti-homebirth. Then I held out against ginormous pressure to go into labour naturally at 43 weeks. You'd think that at least I'd have a nice quick easy birth after all that - but no. Ridiculously difficult labour, extremely traumatic hospital transfer, BFing sabotaged, chronic mastitis for 4 months, even when BFing finally worked out it remained painful the whole 2.5 years, a very colicky HN baby who has only very recently started STTN etc. etc. Basically, I feel as though, although I tried so hard to do the right things, that practically everything that could go wrong did.
This time around, the pregnancy has been less emotionally stressful, but physically taking quite a toll on me. And now, here I am again. 42+3 days today. I have to go into hospital on Tuesday for monitoring and a BPP to check the baby. Which is okay, but I know I'm going to be facing a huge amount of pressure to induce, and I'm actually afraid that they'll pretty much lie to me to coerce me into an induction (wouldn't be the first time!). I really hate confrontation, and since my previous traumatic birth I get really panicky in hospitals and around doctors.
I've done everything I can to try to make this a good birth - planned homebirth, birthpool, doula, lots of techniques for helping with a malpositioned baby (that's what happened last time). But baby just doesn't seem to want to cooperate. The longer I have to wait the more stressed I get, and the less likely it is that things will go well - at least that's how I feel right now.
Right now, I feel like I'm waiting for my turn to play Russian roulette. The odds are in my favour that things will be okay, but there's still a chance I'll take the bullet - and having already been through that I know just how terrible it can be. But at this stage, having had this hanging over me for so long, I just want to get it over with. The waiting is making it all so much worse. Whatever the universe is going to throw at me this time, I wish it would just *bring it on*!!!
Thanks - just needed to get all that out!!
Lisa - mama to Eleanor Rose 01/08 and Saoirse Lily 09/10