(update!! #16)so my mom found out i'm having a home birth and.. - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 21 Old 09-05-2010, 03:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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it's exactly how i thought it would be if she found out before the birth... i had tried telling her 3 times durring this pregnancy that we are having a home birth and she comepletly shut me down each time telling me i would not be doing that.. that i couldnt do that to her and other bs like that.. so i just gave up and started going along with whatever she would say like when she asked if my bag was packed for the hospital i responded "everything is all ready for the baby" and when she asked if i wouuld be having the baby at hospitl x i would answer "that is the closest hospital".. any way i was at her house yesterday for a family get together and my brothers family was there and she mentioned something about the hospital and i gave her the same answer i had been and when she left the room my dad said "clever anwer" and the rest of my family cracked up.. so when i left she asked my brother about it and he told her we were planning a home birth and she i guess freaked out and was so mad about me "lying" to her this whole time... any way i called this morning to talk to her and my dad told me what happened and of course i was bawling saying how i had tried talking to her about it on multiple occassions and she would shut me down every time so i just gave up and i wasnt trying to hurt her feelings but it came to a point where i just had too much anxiety trying to figure out how to tell her i just gave up and would talk to her about it after baby was here safely and she'd have no worries.. well he made it seem like it would be fine to talk to her about it so when she called back i answered the phone and this is how the conversation went
mom "dad said you called" (in a horrible tone btw..)
me "yeah"
mom "and?"
me "i dont really know what to say"
mom "how about you start with i'm sorry i lied to your face for the last nine months"
me "but i didnt.. i tried talking to you about it.."
mom (cut me off to say) "oh brother"
me (bawling of course) "i can't talk to you right now" and i hung up

i have no desire to talk to her or even tell her when the baby is born at this point..

i love my mom.. she has done so much for me and i never meant to hurt her.. but the fact that she is being so cold/mean about it when i am clearly emotional and trying to explain things to her makes it so much worse.. i dont know what else i could have done and at this point i just dont even want to deal with it.

sorry for the rant.. extremely emotional here.. just had to let it out..

Amanda~ mommy to Brayden (06/05), Noah (08/07), Alex (11/08), Lucy (09/10) and Kara (10/12)
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#2 of 21 Old 09-05-2010, 03:47 PM
 
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#3 of 21 Old 09-05-2010, 03:55 PM
 
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That really sucks.

The only thing you can do right now is try to put it out of your mind (easier said than done, I know). After the baby is born, ya'll can mend the fences. But it doesn't seem like it's a situation where any good is going to come out of more discussion before the birth-- it will only stress you out more.

Hope you're okay *hugs*

Kelly (28), in love with husband Jason (38) and our awesome babies:  Emma 4/09, and Ozzy 8/10

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#4 of 21 Old 09-05-2010, 04:27 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Kelly1101 View Post
That really sucks.

The only thing you can do right now is try to put it out of your mind (easier said than done, I know). After the baby is born, ya'll can mend the fences. But it doesn't seem like it's a situation where any good is going to come out of more discussion before the birth-- it will only stress you out more.

Hope you're okay *hugs*
I agree with Kelly

Remember this birth is about YOU not her. Your mother is trying to make it about her and that's crap.

Amanda
Mom to Reya (13) and Little baby Lila 9/22

 

http://arealwomanssweatjournal.blogspot.com

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#5 of 21 Old 09-05-2010, 04:42 PM
 
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I agree with Kelly

Remember this birth is about YOU not her. Your mother is trying to make it about her and that's crap.
I also agree with Kelly and Amanda said exactly what I was going to post - this is your birth, it is not about your mother or your father or anyone but you and the baby. You have made a responsible decision for yourself and will continue to do so regardless of what your mother thinks. Work on putting out of your mind and prepare yourself for the birth and deal with this stuff after baby is here, just as you originally planned.

Take care mama.

SAHM to one precious 2 year old and wife to my loving DH. And here we go again!
****5****10****15****20****25**joy.gif*30****35****40
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#6 of 21 Old 09-05-2010, 04:55 PM
 
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I've had inlaws pull some pretty crazy crap just before labor and it's really hard to let go of.

This is about you, not her. I'm sure she's being selfish and over-protective, probably out of some very sweet but twisted ideas of loving and protecting you, but still...dismiss her reactions as best you can (file it under "Crazy Things People Who Love Us Do at Crazy Times"), and move on.

RedOak ~ Momma to DS (8) , DS (4) , DD (3) , & DD 9/10 ~
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#7 of 21 Old 09-05-2010, 06:02 PM
 
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This has to be one of the hardest things an expecting mom can go through. I'm SO SO Sorry you having to deal with it.

No advice here, I'm sure you will do what is best for your situation, as it is your birth. I'd give you a HUGE BIG LONG LOVING HUG if I was with you!!
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#8 of 21 Old 09-05-2010, 06:19 PM
 
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We are all here for you! I agree with all the previous posts. Don't let that toxic bs into your body or mind, create a peaceful sacred birth space and deal with this after you have your beautiful birth and baby.

Nurse and mother to two beautiful boys, William 06/07/06, George 08/27/08, and our newest addition John Bear, born 9/20/10! Married to my lovely dh for 10 years on 06/04/10!
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#9 of 21 Old 09-05-2010, 07:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks you guys i really appreciate all the support you are giving me. i am trying to let it all go now so i can have a wonderful peaceful birth! you ladies really have no idea how much your kind words mean to me right now! <3 you all!

Amanda~ mommy to Brayden (06/05), Noah (08/07), Alex (11/08), Lucy (09/10) and Kara (10/12)
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#10 of 21 Old 09-05-2010, 08:35 PM
 
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I'm sorry her reaction wasn't supportive. I agree that this is your birth and should be on your terms. Everything else can be sorted out later.

If anything, she must may be scared/concerned for you and not know how to express that in the right way. I hope that she'll be able to see that you are doing what is right for your family and realize that you weren't keeping things from her or trying to hurt her with your choice.

Teacher Mama to (8/03) (6/06) and (9/10)
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#11 of 21 Old 09-05-2010, 09:03 PM
 
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I'm sorry mama. I can't even imagine having such an unsupportive mother.. that really sucks. ((hugs))

Bethany, mama to M (9), J (7), S (4), and baby BOY 9/13/10!!
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#12 of 21 Old 09-05-2010, 09:15 PM
 
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Yeah - like the PPs have said, this is NOT her decision to make. And it's super inappropriate for her to treat you like that. You have no obligation to get her permission or support for anything you do.

I know you love her and I'll bet things will be mended after the birth. It really is ok to shut her out right now, though. If she's not supportive in your birthing plans that's ok; that can be her choice.

Maybe give her one more chance to agree to disagree and NEVER talk about it again? If she can't handle that then that's her choice and you can with a clear conscience know that you did what you could do and took the RATIONAL decision to shut out her negativity. No one will blame you if you did that.

Good luck with your birth

NortheastSuperstar
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#13 of 21 Old 09-05-2010, 09:16 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mommy2chloerae View Post
I'm sorry her reaction wasn't supportive. I agree that this is your birth and should be on your terms. Everything else can be sorted out later.

If anything, she must may be scared/concerned for you and not know how to express that in the right way. I hope that she'll be able to see that you are doing what is right for your family and realize that you weren't keeping things from her or trying to hurt her with your choice.
I was thinking the same thing, that maybe your mom is worried and she's expressing it as anger. Not that I'm defending her. She's being mean and unsupportive. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

My mom freaked out and got really judgmental when I was telling her I was using certified nurse midwives affiliated with the university hospital instead of an OB. I can only image the lecture I would have gotten if I had told I was going to have a home birth! My mom is just super conservative about healthcare and thinks she knows what's best for everyone.

I know it's hard but just try to let it go and focus on your baby. There's nothing else you could have done.

Mom to DD (3), my little peanut (9/10/09) and our newest addition 9/16/10
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#14 of 21 Old 09-05-2010, 09:29 PM
 
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I just wanna second what everyone else said, couldn't have put it better myself!
Wishing you a beautiful, stress-free homebirth!

...And when your deepest thoughts are broken,
keep on dreaming boy, cause when you stop dreamin' it's time to die.

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#15 of 21 Old 09-06-2010, 08:30 AM
 
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#16 of 21 Old 09-06-2010, 08:48 AM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks ladies! - i spoke with my mother again last night... she called back and at first was acting like nothing was wrong and didnt want there to be any tension between us.. but then we sort of got in to it i guess... she claims i had told her repetedly that i had a horrible home birth last time and i would never do that again.. i told her i dont recall ever saying those words... ever... and then she got in to how much she has done for me and my family since we've been here (which she has done a ton for us financially since we've moved back to AZ.. dh's income was cut down to a 3rd of what he was making in alaska and we really could barely pay bills let alone food or rent for the last several months.. but he just started his new job that makes nearly as much as he was in alaska and we wont have any of the financial problems we were having any more..) and i told her how much i appreciated everything she has done for me/us (just like i go on and on telling her thank you every time she does anything for us) and she basically made is seem like i obviously couldnt possibley appreciate her because i lied to her so much.. and then she brought up the fact that i "hid" this pregnancy from her until i was 13 weeks. (we hadnt told any one i was pregnant.. we were waiting for the heart beat at 12 weeks.. and then they couldnt find it and said to come back in a week.. they still couldnt find it so we did an u/s and once we knew baby was fine we told every one and she was the first person i told...) and she was really upset when we did tell her that i didnt talk to her before we ttc so she could tell us to wait... i didnt even respond to that comment because what's the point of arguing when she only hears what she wants to hear any way?!

then she started talking about the home birth and asking questions and was like.. have you sterilized your house?! and i was like.. well... we've been cleaning a lot... and she was like.. i thought it was completely unsanitary being the room when your SIL delivered with ALL those poeple and no one had masks on.. i was like.. mom.... your vagina isnt sanitary.. and she ignored that and moved on to the fact that we are all going to die and THEN she asked if my MIL was going to be there and i said no.. and then she's like so it will just be me you and zach then... and i was like.. it depends on when i go in to labor and blah blah blah.. but SERIOUSLY... would YOU want her there?!?!?!?!?

sorry for the vent... but i needed it.. lol

Amanda~ mommy to Brayden (06/05), Noah (08/07), Alex (11/08), Lucy (09/10) and Kara (10/12)
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#17 of 21 Old 09-06-2010, 12:17 PM
 
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Aw, mama. She sure seems complicated! And it really feels like she has a totally misconstrued idea of how birth can be. Would she be willing to watch some birthing videos? The web is full of free, nicely shot videos of natural childbirth. Maybe you could spend a little time surfing and saving a few of your favs and then "introduce" her to hb? IDK what I would do, but you are in my thoughts!

"A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bank balance smaller, home happier, clothes dirty, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for." ~A.U.
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#18 of 21 Old 09-06-2010, 12:30 PM
 
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Awwww......I'm so sorry. No need to apologize for the vent. That's what we are here for. HUGS!!

I think it's great that you tried to talk to her again, but I agree, I wouldn't want her there either. I would also side with you in that she is being unreasonable in the 'not telling her you were pregnant' and it was very wise of you to avoid the whole ttc discussion as it sounds like it would have been another argument, and could you really do anything about either of those now?

The financial thing/help I TOTALLY get. We live in a house that is paid for by my ILs, and don't pay rent. So there is still the 'it's technically their home' things going on, and DH says, 'I want them to always feel like they can come here'. To which I say...'um...not in labor or weeks just after, they are NOT welcome here because they are not supportive or conducive to natural birth or BFing'. So there's the guilt on me and him of, well, they've done so much, but I don't think following their ideal birth plans is justified by their help. That's still not their call.

I'm so sorry you are hurting, but you tried, and that's all you can do, so now you have the choice of trying again and risking the same situation and stress this LATE in your pregnancy, or, just deal with it after and put it out of your 'bubble of peace' as hypnobabies calls it.

Much Much LOVE to you!
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#19 of 21 Old 09-06-2010, 03:12 PM
 
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She sounds like my mom was when I first told her... She told me to be prepared to leave my children behind because I could die at home. Well, I could die in a hospital too. I could die walking out my front door! It's a fact of life.

I chose to tell my mom early in the pregnancy though because I knew that over time, she would either come around or let it go. I didn't talk to her about it for almost 2 months after I dropped the bomb that we were having a HB. During that time, she got over it. She's excited to be here and to be support during such an amazing event. She was NOT that way at 10 weeks when I told her though.

The best thing, IME, is to just not talk about it. If your mom brings it up, change the subject. It's not open for discussion, it's not her choice or her place to push her opinions on you.

In regards to the financial aspect... I feel you! My FIL (well step father) told us they wouldn't help us with any bills (we're coming off a rough year with DH losing almost 4 weeks of work being in and out of the hospital in Feb/March) if we were paying a midwife to have a home birth because 'I needed to just do whatever was paid for and who gives a damn if it's another c-section'. Funny is that we'd owe 20% of said c-section/hospital stay which is more than we will have put out for our MW, lol. I think I told him when he had a c-section and knew what it was like then we'd talk but until then he didn't get an opinion. And yup... They've bailed us out a few times since then so it was all BS in my book.

Remember that this is YOUR birth. It's not hers. She can have her opinions but unless they are asked for, she can keep them to herself. You may find that you have to remove her from your life until after the birth. It sucks and I thought I'd have to do it with my own mama too but luckily she's come around. She still has her opinions that I'd be safer in a hospital but she doesn't share that with me so whatever.
Big hugs!

~ Fe ~
Mama to C (3-25-06) and A (1-17-09) and Jameson Grant (9-25-10) my HBA2C baby!
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#20 of 21 Old 09-06-2010, 03:43 PM
 
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she claims i had told her repetedly that i had a horrible home birth last time and i would never do that again.. i told her i dont recall ever saying those words... ever...
I am so sorry you are dealing with this, especially so close to the end, but I just had to laugh about this. My mom asks me every single time if I'm going to have another homebirth even with "all of the complications" I had last time. Every time. I have had 4 very straight forward quick and easy homebirths with no complications before or after the birth for me or the baby. My mom is just totally delusional about most things in my life (which she is not involved in)
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#21 of 21 Old 09-07-2010, 09:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks for all your support ladies!!

i'm so glad some of you understand the financial stuff... it really sucks going from being completely independant financially to needing help.. ugh... but we should be back on track here in a few weeks when dh gets his first pay check from his new job! yay!

MBHF- your mom sounds just like my mom.. lol at least about being delusional with certain things!.. lol glad i'm not alone there!!!!

last night she called and we didnt talk about it at all! i think she is bound and determined to pretend nothing happened for right now... lol... we'll see how she does when i dont call her until after the baby is born.. but i think she'll be so excited by that point it wont matter! i am now looking forward to my lovely home birth with just me and dh and the midwives! lol

Amanda~ mommy to Brayden (06/05), Noah (08/07), Alex (11/08), Lucy (09/10) and Kara (10/12)
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