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#1 of 10 Old 10-01-2010, 03:19 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Sorry. Just a little early morning rant...

DPs family loves our son. Yay. I love him too, he is quite lovable. The problem is, they do not ever want to let him down for his alert times when they/we are visiting and DPs mother is the absolute worse. I try to tell them, when he is frustrated and gasey, let him lie on his back. He likes to kick his feet when he is gassy. Let him pick up his head and look around if you are giving him cuddles, he has 2 periods of alert time and he LIKES to look around and hang out for a couple of hours...

How should I know my son? How should I know that he had a schedule, that he built himself, that had worked so beautifully? Why do I get upset that EVERY time we go over for a visit they force my strong willed infant to sleep with their overly caring cuddly strong holds... because EVERY time he establishes a schedule its time to go see them, and they force him to sleep through his schedule. He get ansy when we are there, he wants to look around, he wants to kick his feet and lift his head and instead they are swaddling him and holding him hostage I feel...

Anyway. I don't like that even though he is my son, everyone knows what he wants or pretends that they do. I know what a typical newborn is supposed to want. I read all the books. They are crap. My son is different and he enjoys what he enjoys. I wish I had the balls to tell people to back the F!>@ off and leave him alone. Cuddling is great. Sleeping is great. He doesn't NEED to sleep all day every day. And just because THEY enjoy holding him ALL the time, doesn't mean he wants to BE HELD all the time...

Sorry. This probly doesn't even make sense. I am just at my wits end. We only ever get enough days alone to establish and enjoy his schedule. Then it is a family day where they are given four or five hours to make everything fall apart, IMO. I don't know what to do. I am getting so frustrated and I know they mean the best, but talking to *especially his mother* about anything my son may want is met with "well, he has to get used to (gramma, grampa, cousin) cuddle time." Um, no.

~inspired by the fact that for the last 18 days he has gone to bed at 11, after a 3 hour alert time, slept until 2 or 3. Tonight he was asleep by 930, after a tiny 1 hour alert time which we didn't get until we went home, and the fact that I am wide awake and frustrated at 1. And we just got back on track after Sunday. Repeat last Wednesday. and so on and so on since the poor little guy got to come home.

"A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bank balance smaller, home happier, clothes dirty, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for." ~A.U.
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#2 of 10 Old 10-01-2010, 08:11 AM
 
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I had the same thing happen to me with my first, it is frustrating and having a smooth schedule is ace but then it can get messed up which is hard to deal with in the early days... family members and friends can really get in the way of what mother and baby have going, it will get easier, it took me ages to speak up (now I wish I did earlier) so you could try taking more control instead of regretting it later (easier said than done) it is hard though because you don't want to really upset anyone. And at the same time I also had to accept life and people, and the way things are sometimes, like it's not just me (the mother) it is really the whole villiage (family and extended family) who will affect the course of life with baby and beyond, and sometimes it's easier to be a little more flexible, even though at first it's excruciating... as natural mothery feelings can go.
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#3 of 10 Old 10-01-2010, 08:52 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Baby~Braatens~Mama View Post
I know what a typical newborn is supposed to want. I read all the books. They are crap. My son is different and he enjoys what he enjoys. I wish I had the balls to tell people to back the F!>@ off and leave him alone.
Grow 'em.

You're right. You know your baby better, and NO babies are "all alike" any more than any people are "all alike."

I know it's hard when it's your first (it was for me, anyway), but you need to put your foot down and assert that it's your baby and you know what he needs. Politely but firmly. Let them roll their eyes and act like you're wrong-- who cares. As time passes and you grow in confidence, they will start respecting you more-- as long as you show that you will stand up for yourself.

I think first-time parents get taken advantage of in this way because all first-time parents have a measure of insecurity and "am I doing it right". Don't let them! If they aren't listening, just take the baby back (it's your baby, after all) and say "I think right now he wants to do THIS" and show them.

I had to do that once with my own mom with this baby already. Was she pissed? Oh yeah. But she got over it

Kelly (28), in love with husband Jason (38) and our awesome babies:  Emma 4/09, and Ozzy 8/10

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#4 of 10 Old 10-01-2010, 10:56 AM
 
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yup.. just ignore their eye rolling and 'he needs...' and do what you want/he needs.. just take him from whoever when its time for awake time and do it. it will get easier as he gets older.. my issues with family have mainly been when baby needs to eat they will try to tell me it hasn't been long enough.. that is much better now that we're on kid #3 .. its still very hard to get the inlaws to go along with nap time.. but that is not so much an issue with tiny babies.. honestly, we have solved this problem by not seeing DHs family as much as we use to.. we use to go spend the day with them every 2 weeks and now its every 2 months..

- Staci, Mommy to Mollie (3/06), Jamie (5/08), Annie (9/10) and Bently (2/13) chicken3.gif
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#5 of 10 Old 10-01-2010, 11:20 AM
 
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THIS is one of the only reasons I am glad I live 1100 miles away from my family.

I love them to death and they adore my kids but they just do not trust my mothering knowledge. Like spending 24/7 with someone does not allow their mother to get to know every little thing about them. DD1 didnt like belly time...

oh yes she does you dont know...

um no I DO know, im her mother for goodness sake!



Thank goodness my in-laws are not the same. They treat DD2 the way I treat her... they snuggle her when its her snuggle time and play with her during her alert time (without restricting her movement any)

I will be sad to see them leave this weekend when they do!

Artist, photographer, stay-at-home-mom and Marine wife. Mom to 4; a boy and three little girls.
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#6 of 10 Old 10-01-2010, 12:00 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MaerynPearl View Post
THIS is one of the only reasons I am glad I live 1100 miles away from my family.


The inlaws are visiting next week and I'm tryin to grow my balls!!!

SAHM married to with twin boys  and a girl .  
 
 
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#7 of 10 Old 10-01-2010, 01:26 PM
 
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Is there a way to limit visits?

I had to do that with my inlaws. I just can't handle them in large doses and even more with a newborn so I had to limit the visits, though it only took me not going there. They don't seem to care to come over here, so that really helped cut back on the comments and my frustration. I don't know if it is an option for you, but the first step to me being more assertive was to limit contact.

Teacher Mama to (8/03) (6/06) and (9/10)
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#8 of 10 Old 10-01-2010, 08:51 PM
 
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Just want to send a big , BBM. I had to ask DH to call off some of the relatives after a doozy of a first week where no one got any rest or peace from all the interference. I think Kelly is right about how vulnerable first-time parents are. My baby appears totally content and thriving and I'm constantly wondering if I am doing it all right. Having second guessing relatives makes this worse! Maybe you can limit visits or if not, I wish you the best in summoning your courage to stand your ground.

Mary, proud to be a mama to Andrew (9/14/10) and Caroline (7/27/13) and wife to Matt.
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#9 of 10 Old 10-01-2010, 11:45 PM
 
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DDCC

When my son was born, we had to deal with this with my MIL. She was an English baby nurse, so of course she knew everything. She has this crazy thing about swaddling. She refuses to even hold an infant under 5 months who isn't swaddled. Says they're too floppy and they could easily flip
out of your arms or something. Problem was, my son was very sleepy the first few months of his life and we had to actively encourage his alertness during the day so he would eat. Her swaddling techniques would keep the kid asleep for 3-5 hours at a stretch during the day, until he woke up ravenous and pissed. After a few days of this, I literally pried him out of her arms and threw the swaddling blanket in the other room and told her we wouldn't be swaddling except at night anymore. I thought she was going to smack me. But she didn't.

There were several other times I put my foot down during his infancy. Now she knows to ask me what the deal is before she tries anything. It does get better as they hear and see your confidence in your own knowledge.

Big hugs and hang in there.

Massage therapist and artist, wife to English DH since 2002, Mummy to Oliver Finn 10/20/07 and Eamon Anthony 12/2/2010
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#10 of 10 Old 10-02-2010, 03:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all for responding! I really just needed to get it out, and was so exhausted.

"A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bank balance smaller, home happier, clothes dirty, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for." ~A.U.
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