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Old 09-26-2010, 02:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I know I have vented a bit in my posts about my husband's family pushing their involvement or desire to be involved in the birth of this baby, but it is getting to the point I might really have to tell my husband off, getting to the point that I don't even want him there for it, really.

This is his first baby & since we are UCing I have tried to prepare & teach him everything I think he needs to know, but I don't think any of it has sunk in and he is acting like a total moron. I was having a few contractions the other day & started crying because I didn't want it to be labor yet & he seriously said, not joking, "Your not in labor, your water hasn't broken", omg really, after all I've taught you, you gotta be an idiot right now. Plus lately here when I have had Braxton Hicks they have been stronger & he really doesn't take seeing me in pain like that well at all I am seeing, he kept asking me if I wanted to go to the hospital! Now I cannot have that. I have told him, once in labor, even if I say "I can't do this anymore" that DOES NOT mean I want to go to the hospital, I've told him I will tell him when I need to go to the hospital. Hospital is not in my vocabulary unless an emergency would arise or I really feel out of control.

Then there has been the issue of others being there. I would in some ways like my mother there however I feel she would urge us to go to the hospital if things drug on too long or if I seemed out of control so I am going to try not to call her, but there did come a time in my labor with my son that I was screaming "I want my mommy" (Yes, I was a big baby once they started that pitocin). And at that point I loved having my mom there, but my husband feels that if I have mine there that his should be there & I have no relationship with her whatsoever, she is an alcoholic amongst other issues that she has, she has been an RN for over 20 years and has lost job after job due to her drinking and mental issues. She just started a job a week ago as a matter of fact & called in this past Thursday & stayed home and drank all day. Not to mention she got my husband a DUI several years ago because he borrowed her car & she had open containers in it! Yeah, I really want that around me & my baby. My anxiety is through the roof, but I think I'm just gonna have to tell my husband one way or another that it's my way or the highway I guess.

Mrs. (28) Wife to the Mr. (26) Mama to K (10g) & J (5b). Expecting #3 10/10. Hoping for a HBA2C.
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Old 09-26-2010, 02:31 PM
 
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...And at that point I loved having my mom there, but my husband feels that if I have mine there that his should be there & I have no relationship with her whatsoever....
That is exactly how I would feel. He is not the one going through an emotional/physical rollar coaster, you are. I would compromise and say your MIL will be the first person you call to announce or something like that. You should choose who you want there for support. You don't need to be distracted by negative thoughts or ideas coming from other people.

Most importantly talk more with your husband and tell him he is your Doula so he's got a job to do and has to pay attention . You have to have a strong birthing circle of support so you feel safe and comfortable when you're 'in the zone'. You want to be able to look back on your birth and remember the joyous occasion, not how pissed you were at so-in-so for their 'unhelpful comments' or for adding panic to your birth.

It will all work out in the end. Find your happy thoughts mama

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Old 09-26-2010, 02:38 PM
 
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DDCC - I wouldn't say I'm in a similar situation or know how you feel but there are a few little things... (I agree that husbands are clueless sometimes)
My DH let his dad borrow his car while he was deployed the first time. His dad got pulled over drunk and the car got booted and almost impounded. Luckily he was able to convince the courts to remove the boot and give the car back before he came home from deployment.
He also wants to bring his parents to stay at OUR house at OUR expense to meet the baby immediately after he's born. They refused the FREE ride with my parents (who planned on driving and staying in a hotel) because they weren't allowed to smoke in the car. Is smoking really important enough to make your son pay $700 to fly you down instead? I'm still 'arguing' with him about this one. His parents will meet the baby at 2 months old when I move up there, why pay to bring them down? Its not like its their 1st grandchild (11th actually).

My DH also doesn't get the big difference between my parents and his parents. My parents changed my diaper. My parents cleaned up my puke. Nothing I can do is going to shock them and I can be myself. I don't need his parents in here stinking my house up with their cigarettes, telling me what to do, and making me spend half my time locked in the bedroom while the baby and I learn to breastfeed.

Sorry if that was a bit much but ITA. Husbands can be clueless and in-laws can kiss my a**. I'm the one going to be recently postpartum, half naked, and hormonal so I should be the one who has say in who comes into my nest!

This Mommy and Military Daddy are loving their son.
DS born Dec 2010 Pregnant with #2, having another !
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Old 09-26-2010, 02:58 PM
 
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We've had the whole "well if your mom is going to be there than my mom should be too" convo and I told him. If you were having surgery on your penis I wouldn't expect you to want my mom there for comfort. This is an intensly personal thing and honestly I just want people there who will help me.

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Old 09-26-2010, 03:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We've had the whole "well if your mom is going to be there than my mom should be too" convo and I told him. If you were having surgery on your penis I wouldn't expect you to want my mom there for comfort. This is an intensly personal thing and honestly I just want people there who will help me.
LOL, My DH will hear that one for sure!

Mrs. (28) Wife to the Mr. (26) Mama to K (10g) & J (5b). Expecting #3 10/10. Hoping for a HBA2C.
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Old 09-26-2010, 04:21 PM
 
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That sounds horribly difficult. I'm sorry your DH isn't totally onboard.

Since you're UCing I don't know if you'd want another person there, but would hiring a birth doula be a possibility? My doula at my homebirth was so wonderful and really, she did almost as much for my DH as she did for me. Maybe a calming presence who's been to many births before would help your DH hold it together?

Also, stick to your guns about your MIL not being there! She sounds like exactly the last person who should be at your birth. When DH goes into labor and has a baby, he can choose whoever he wants to be there. Until then, he gets no say at all IMHO. Good luck and hang in there!

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Old 09-26-2010, 05:45 PM
 
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We've had the whole "well if your mom is going to be there than my mom should be too" convo and I told him. If you were having surgery on your penis I wouldn't expect you to want my mom there for comfort. This is an intensly personal thing and honestly I just want people there who will help me.
Word!

Did I miss why you aren't have a doula? It's not too late and they are so worth their weight during the birthing process. DH was totally supportive during birth, but we still needed someone else there that was on our side - make sense?

Wife, mom to DS (4), DD (2) and baby heart 2.7.13

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Old 09-26-2010, 07:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Unfortunately I have not found a doula willing to attend a UC, I have a friend who is a midwife, a legal CNM in fact (rare in this area) who is going to come check me & the baby after the birth. I am a doula myself, one of only 2 I know of within an hours drive that will attend UCs, unfortunately the other one that does isn't willing to drive as far as where we plan to birth.

Mrs. (28) Wife to the Mr. (26) Mama to K (10g) & J (5b). Expecting #3 10/10. Hoping for a HBA2C.
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Old 09-27-2010, 01:51 AM
 
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What about a homebirth experienced friend who could just come be your informal support? I think some men just can't handle the responsibility of being labor support, especially if they are the sole support. This is our 4th baby, and my dh is a stand-up guy, and he will try everything he can to support me in labor, and he would remember the things I've asked him to do or not to do... but he still gets all tense and anxious whenever I give birth. With ds3 I remember just floating serenely in the birth pool between contractions, and then hearing him nervously pace back and forth in the other room. Poor guy.

I know some men make wonderful labor companions, but honestly I think they are in the minority. I kind of think we put unfair expectations on them by putting them in the position of being the primary emotional/physical support during labor and birth, when birth is something they'll never really be able to comprehend/experience.

I don't mean to make you feel worse about the situation... I just think maybe you need to mentally prepare for the idea that he is NOT going to be the labor support you expect, and it might be better to make other plans for emotional support, even if it's just that you'll be doing this all on your own.


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