My second question is about whether I will be able to deliver a healthy baby in the future. I don't know what happened - my daughter seemed perfectly healthy, and nothing conclusive has come back from testing. I just got results of a series of labs testing me for autoimmune disorders - I had gestational thrombocytopenia (low platelets during pregnancy) - and the only positive was a slight elevation in rheumatoid factor. I have had joint & muscle pain for years, so my perinatologist has recommended I see a rheumatologist, but that wouldn't have affected the baby. I'm sure these are difficult questions to answer - it's been a difficult couple of months for me & no one seems to have any answers.
Yes, these are very difficult questions to answer. The biggest difficulty is unless I can give you a medical reason that you could prove, nothing I say is going to make you feel better. :( You want a reason for feeling such devastation. And I also don't want to risk upsetting you more.
I don't know that I have the answer for you because I don't feel there was a medical reason. I think it's more of a deeper spiritual reason.
I encourage you to read (whenever, if ever you feel compelled) the book Sacred Contracts http://www.amazon.com/Sacred-Contracts-Awakening-Divine-Potential/dp/0609810111
It is the book that has really helped me put some things I've dealt with into a much bigger, deeper perspective. Basically, let me sum up briefly;
would it be possible that this spirit that chose a female body, chose to come to you as a Mother and the man as her father, had a bigger purpose to serve by sharing the experience of still birth with you. You certainly wouldn't have chosen this experience, but what if the bigger picture, was that this spirit loves you so much (in Spirit form) she chose to allow you to experience this most awesome experience. And when I say awesome I mean awesomely painful and devastating. But what if the bigger picture was for your growth as a human being in ways you probably aren't receiving/understanding quite yet with all the pain on top. But maybe as time goes on you will see how this life experience affected you and made you grow more than you could have imagined. Maybe from this will sprout new, deep and meaningful relationships. Maybe you'll seek a deep spiritual understanding. Maybe it was to tear relationships apart that were not for your highest good. Because that's how much this spirit loves you.
And maybe you won't have any of that happen. And maybe you hate me for even saying any of this at this moment. I'm okay with that. So long as you hear that, you are loved, including by this spirit baby.
And yes, you will go on to have another full term healthy baby.
I do not hate you at all.
I don't think there's anything you might share with me that could make me feel worse. I would like to know what you sense. I have my own thoughts on the matter, and I know that I ultimately can't blame myself (though I have, for sure). I would like to know if my intuitions are right - and they aren't medical reasons.
Oh I'm sorry i wasn't clear, what I wrote above is what I think the reason's are. I think it's for deep transformation of YOU. It's to recognize that, or whom is not good for you and not meant for your life. The experience was meant to show you that which is out of alignment with your highest truths. There is nothing life facing death and loss in life to make you realize what is important and what is not. Who your friends and family really are, and who are not. It makes you face yourself in a way, that not everybody gets the chance to. The potential for change, and growth and learning is enormous. And I do think that it was meant to take apart some relationships that are not serving your highest good. I also know that some of the understanding will not make it self known for awhile. This is not a short term learning experience,this will affect the who you are on an inner most level. This will stick with you forever, and your eyes will be wide open to many things because of it.