I might as well post here...(sorry not your normal happy fuzzy I'm pregnant thread) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 23 Old 03-06-2010, 09:04 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Because I'm going to need all the support I can get... so...

I have been planning to leave my husband on and off since last year. If any of you lurk/visit PaP, you know me... have been dealing with some major abuse...

Anyway, the past couple weeks I had more reslove to leave than ever, I finally called a lawyer and have an appt in a couple of weeks...

My period was late... I took two tests this morning, both positive. I was avoiding by tracking CM...

Except H didn't give me warning to get off last month... and I even freaked out at him then, and he said he knows I wanted another baby... and I said yes, but NOT NOW!!!

Especially not now that I finally had plans in place to leave him...


But either way... here I am... I know I won't abort.

I am sorry to be the "downer" of the group right now... it seems most of you were TTC. CONGRATULATIONS to you all!!!

Thanks for listening...

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#2 of 23 Old 03-06-2010, 09:13 AM
 
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I couldn't read and not post. I'm so sorry that things are hard for you. My situation isn't the same but wanted to let you know that you aren't the only one who wasn't TTC. I also have mixed feelings.

Loving my dh, two girls ages 6 and 3 and my baby boy born on Halloween 2010. Missing my angel 9/08
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#3 of 23 Old 03-06-2010, 10:04 AM
 
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jsma, I hope you still stick with your plans.

scifi-convention runners Kate, DH Drew 11/07, DD Cora 12/97. We , ,
Welcome to baby Fiona with a giant omphalocele, 6/17/10!
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#4 of 23 Old 03-06-2010, 12:32 PM
 
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Ah, it will all even out in the end. Just remind yourself that newborns don't need too much. As CorasMama said, don't let it derail you. You may have to have a longer-than-planned separation, but that doesn't mean you don't have a way out.

Sabra: Mama to Bobbie (3/02), Linda (1/04), Esther (10/05), Marie (11/10), & Douglas (11/12)

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#5 of 23 Old 03-06-2010, 12:49 PM
 
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I would agree that if you can, stick to your plans.

Mary, wife to Christian, mama to Ale (5/31/07), and thrilled to be expecting #2 in November 2010
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#6 of 23 Old 03-06-2010, 01:43 PM
 
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First of all, Even if this wasn't the best timing or the happiest news for you now, we hare happy to have you here with us.

Stay strong, mama.

Ashley~certified nurse-midwife mama to 6 little novaxnocirc.gifhomebirth.jpglotbirth.gif loves, including sweet Cordelia Jane born at home waterbirth.jpgon 11/12/10.
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#7 of 23 Old 03-06-2010, 01:53 PM
 
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Originally Posted by birthdancedoula View Post
First of all, Even if this wasn't the best timing or the happiest news for you now, we hare happy to have you here with us.

Stay strong, mama.


We are here for you, for whatever you need.

DD March 2007...happily nursing, EC graduated, family-bed-sharing family... expecting another in early November!
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#8 of 23 Old 03-06-2010, 01:56 PM
 
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Stick to your plans and get out. Just think of how different life will be when you don't have an abusive man hanging over you. It won't be easy and will take some dedication on your part but you can still get out of there. Safely.

Nic, loving mama to 5 with a SURPRISE 6th on the way.

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#9 of 23 Old 03-06-2010, 03:04 PM
 
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Hugs, momma...

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#10 of 23 Old 03-06-2010, 03:27 PM
 
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it sounds like a really hard place you are in. i have some experience with leaving my SO while newly pregnant, and you can do it! surround yourself with caring people, friends, family..look for community support and take any help you are offered.. you want your children to grow up in a safe, loving home..not an abusive one. take care mama, and keep in touch.

 

 

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#11 of 23 Old 03-06-2010, 06:18 PM
 
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So sorry to hear about your current situation.

In my opinion, if you are in an abusive relationship, you should get out as soon as you possibly can. It's not worth the risk, especially while you're pregnant. Although the baby may not have been planned, it will be a big blessing in the end, with or without your husband. Do what you feel is right..and of course safe. Stay strong!

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#12 of 23 Old 03-06-2010, 06:27 PM
 
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DDCC

JSMa - Living in an abusive environment while pregnant is horrible. I did it and it took such a toll on my body. I highly support you in staying on track and leaving on the timeline that you already have set in place. In your case this could be another tactic by him to try to keep you with him.

Much support for you Mama.
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#13 of 23 Old 03-06-2010, 07:15 PM
 
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You're not alone. This is not at all the ideal time for me to be having another, and I'm not particularly pleased about it.

DS born 6/03, DD1 born 9/06, DD2 born 10/10, DD3 born 4/14.
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#14 of 23 Old 03-06-2010, 08:56 PM
 
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I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Like the others, I hope this is only a speed bump, not a derailment.

My parents divorced when I was 10 months old and my mom said that I was one of the things that helped her get through it since I had no idea what was happening. I hope everything works out for you in the end.

Vegan family since 2011 - Wonderful DS1 born 1/08. Treasured DS2  born 11/10.

"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better." - Maya Angelou

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#15 of 23 Old 03-07-2010, 12:55 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Some funny questions that popped into my head today for BTDT Mamas that left while pregnant...

Did you have to allow your seperated SO at the birth? I can see STBX fighting big time for this. I don't know if I want him there... I know it's millions of miles off at this point... but it's a nagging question all the same.

And did they have any say in names? lol I know, incredibly trivial given the situation... but I'm trying to find something fun/happy right now, and coming up with name ideas won... but then I didn't know if he would have a say?

I feel ... I'm not even really sure all I feel right now... I may even still be in somewhat a kind of shock and some sort of autopilot just is taking over for the time being...


Anyway, thanks everyone.

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#16 of 23 Old 03-07-2010, 01:39 AM
 
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If you leave your husband due to abuse you could always get an RO or OOP or whatever that would prevent him from being more than XXX feet near you. So that would be a way to keep him out of the hospital.

Honestly, I would seek legal advice regarding the naming and how things could go down at the birth. This has to be so hard for you Mama. But you are strong enough to handle this, you have grown so much stronger than you were just a few short months ago.
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#17 of 23 Old 03-07-2010, 01:08 PM
 
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Did you have to allow your seperated SO at the birth? I can see STBX fighting big time for this. I don't know if I want him there... I know it's millions of miles off at this point... but it's a nagging question all the same.
No, he has no legal right to be at the birth.

If you're concerned about him showing up uninvited at the hospital, you can request that your info be kept private so that he can't find out what room you're in or anything like that.

DS born 6/03, DD1 born 9/06, DD2 born 10/10, DD3 born 4/14.
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#18 of 23 Old 03-07-2010, 06:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm actually hoping to have a homebirth. I did the hospital thing with my first... I do not want to go back!

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#19 of 23 Old 03-07-2010, 07:40 PM
 
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I really suggest you avoid letting him know you're pregnant as long as possible (if he hasn't figured it out), and decline to tell him when you are due.

Sabra: Mama to Bobbie (3/02), Linda (1/04), Esther (10/05), Marie (11/10), & Douglas (11/12)

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#20 of 23 Old 03-07-2010, 10:25 PM
 
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I'm actually hoping to have a homebirth. I did the hospital thing with my first... I do not want to go back!
Me too. My hospital birth with my second was very good... but that was in an unusually mother-friendly hospital with a staff who knew me personally (I'd volunteered there for a few years), so really only served to set my standards higher and underscore how bad hospital births can be in other places.

DS born 6/03, DD1 born 9/06, DD2 born 10/10, DD3 born 4/14.
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#21 of 23 Old 03-07-2010, 10:30 PM
 
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If you are going to be planning a homebirth and leave him during the pregnancy, could you possibly just not call him until it's too late?

I don't know what the legal ramifications would be but I've never heard that there is a legal right for the father to be there....a good thing to ask the lawyer when you meet with him/her next week!

Marilyn, married to my soulmate Jay and mommy to Elijah Blaze 08/04/2003 and Mila Soleil 10/02/2011 . 
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#22 of 23 Old 03-07-2010, 11:10 PM
 
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Oh, mama...I've been following your story over on PaP and I wish I could give you a hug right now! Please, please do NOT think you have no other option but to stay with your DH. Look at this as a new beginning for you, your DD and your new baby. It won't be easy, but you are strong and brave and you CAN DO THIS!!

I have some experience with leaving an abusive partner, so if you need someone to talk to, please feel free to PM me...

Newly single mama to Squidget hearts.gif, Roo energy.gifand the newest two babyboy.gif  babyboy.gif  11/24/10
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#23 of 23 Old 03-08-2010, 02:08 PM
 
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If he is abusive he has absolutely no right to be at the birth. That's why God made restraining orders. If you cannot afford an attorney, find your local "Legal Aid" clinic. This will not be fun for you, but I agree that you are doing the best thing possible for you and your family. It does not help children to watch their parents be degraded and abused.

Lotsa prayers and thoughts....
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