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#1 of 26 Old 10-05-2010, 05:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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A little bit of background so you guys will understand why I am so upset..So I haven't had the easiest pregnancy, emotionally. In laws have ruined the last 8 months of my life in every way possible. Starting before we even told them that we were pregnant.. MIL told DH that we shouldn't have any babies because we were moving too far away and they couldn't afford to come see us (they spend their money irresponsibly) and expected us to plan our life around them. (this is after she begged us to have kids for 2 years) She's embarrassed me, mocked me, and accused me of all sorts of stuff that she's made up in her head. She's tried to turn my husband against me and hates the fact that she is no longer his number one. Sadly, DH hasn't been the best during all of this either..it's hard for him to see how crazy his mom really is and occasionally insists that I'm the one instigating things. He's hurt my feelings and taken her side on multiple accounts. Even after we told his family that we were pregnant and told them that we wanted to wait a little longer to tell the world..did they? Nope. They told everyone and told them to act like they didn't know. (it was blatantly obvious when everyones reactions were completely fake..) MIL has even tried to turn my own parents against me. (they think she's a total psycho.) Needless to say, no one in his family can be trusted and they are all notorious for telling everyone everything.

When we found out the sex, we had a few names in mind but one kind of stuck out to us. We barely mentioned it to them and she proceeded to tell everyone that the name WAS his name. All of her friends embroidered things with the "new name" on there. She knew that we were only considering it and did not set it in stone..well she shoved this name down my throat to the point where I now hate it. We told her we were no longer naming our child that but she still kept on..I opened up multiple gifts with this name on it during my baby shower and she would take ONLY those items and pass them around and repeat the name over and over. I was so embarrassed and nearly in tears..sat there helplessly watching everyone around me call my baby a name that I hated.

We moved away and things are still very rocky. (she harassed me for so long and finally stopped and is now after DH..always talking bad about me to him and trying to turn him against me..) Well I came up with a new name and told DH not to tell anyone..that I wanted and needed to keep something to myself for once. He was on the phone with his sister last night. She has been begging us to tell her the name even though she knew we wanted to keep it a surprise till the birth. (MIL possibly behind the begging..it's not like his sister to beg for information like that) DH stupidly says.. "Well, we're thinking on the name (insert name here)..uhh..um..nevermind..we don't know.." It was blatantly obvious that he slipped the name, as it was the only baby name brought up in conversation. I've been crying my eyes out all night and this morning. He proceeded to tell her to not tell anyone any names we suggested, but I highly doubt that's going to happen. I don't know whether to act like nothing happened, speak to her myself, trust her, announce the name now, or make up a whole new name. My family would be crushed if my MIL called them up rubbing the surprise name in their face (which she definitely would do.)

I really feel like I've been robbed of happiness this whole pregnancy.. I can't trust anyone. Even my own husband. On top of having a psycho MIL stalk me and try to ruin my life, I no longer have a name for my baby and I'm only a few weeks away.

Sorry for the long rant. Any suggestions would be much appreciated..


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#2 of 26 Old 10-05-2010, 06:07 PM
 
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#3 of 26 Old 10-05-2010, 06:12 PM
 
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Oh my, that sounds terrible. I'm sorry you have had such an emotionally rough pregnancy. s

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#4 of 26 Old 10-05-2010, 06:28 PM
 
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Yeah, I would be really upset too. I don't really have any advice, other than maybe asking dh to call his sister back to emphasize that the BOTH of you don't want the name mentioned to anyone else. He gets that you are upset?
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#5 of 26 Old 10-05-2010, 06:30 PM
 
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I'm really sorry this has been such a rough time for you.

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#6 of 26 Old 10-05-2010, 06:47 PM
 
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oh mama i would be hurt too.. im so sorry. i wish things were easier for you.

 

 

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#7 of 26 Old 10-05-2010, 08:19 PM
 
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I am so sorry mama.

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#8 of 26 Old 10-05-2010, 08:40 PM
 
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At first I thought maybe you were dramatizing but after finishing.. that's so not cool. I bet it's your husband's mistake in letting her know in the first place. There's definatly a trust issue there that he's just not "getting". Very uncool.

Not that it's the same but my family has passed on and so the ONLY person I wanted to tell was MIL. Well she asked dh and he told her as he was put on the spot. She promised not to tell... well of course then SIL started giving me advice... WHY are you giving me advice on pregnancy hmmm?? So they said they saved ONE person in the family for me to tell.. the one person who hated me the most. Well.. goody. I'm sure it was faked too because I took the bait and on christmas I said guess what? And she guessed in a half second.

I really wanted that joy of seeing someone's face that might actually be happy for me.. the SIL they "saved" for me was also the one to tell us to never have kids.

Definatly sucks to have the wind taken out of your sail.

I'd stop telling dh sadly. Or tell him your naming her Osamabinklenut and leave it as truth :P
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#9 of 26 Old 10-05-2010, 08:45 PM
 
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oh btw I ran my fave names across the family and they hated both of them. And they both meant emotionally a lot to me. Now that my kid IS named that they love it (to my face anyway). So you name your baby anything you want. It's just a blanket. Or whatever was named. They are things. Your baby's name will be forever
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#10 of 26 Old 10-05-2010, 08:46 PM
 
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Oh I am so mad and sad for you. I dont know what I would do.

My story is nothing compared but my SIL/BIL blatantly took the name that we were going to use, named their son with it as his first name, and then called him by his middle name. Now we have no boy name and my MIL thinks (and is pressuring us) we should still name him the name (now his cousin's first name) that we were going to use -- which would basically mean two of the four cousins would be named the exact same name....wierd, and I dont want to do it just to spite all of them I want to come up with something totally radically different.
But then I decided that we will meet this baby and decide then what his name should be. If that is the right name, then maybe we will name him that original name. I am not going to let what the In laws do or say to pressure me. This is my child, my choice, and I dont want them to have so much power over a situation and a child's fate.

Its annoying to have In-laws be so passive aggressive! If you can do it, try not to give them any more power over your feelings/emotions, as they clearly dont deserve it and will continue to drain you! You are a strong, great mama and this baby and the name will be yours, and only yours.

Hang in there mama. Hugs

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#11 of 26 Old 10-05-2010, 09:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks, mamas.

I talked to my mom about the situation and told her the name today. I can't bear to know that my insanely rude and disrespectful mother in law would ever know before my own mother, who does so very much for me. I really don't know what I am going to name him at this point. I'm going to bring a list of names to the hospital and decide when I see him. DH just doesn't understand why it was so important to me and there's nothing I can do to make him understand. I learned quite a bit this pregnancy..don't tell a single soul you are pregnant until you are ready for the world to know..and don't tell anyone your babyname until he/she is born. Many of the names we used to love were immediately shot down by family members, as they thought my taste in names was "weird." They would have loved any of the typical names you hear everyday. Things will be different with our next kiddoe but I guess all I can do for now is make the best of the situation. Sigh.

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#12 of 26 Old 10-05-2010, 09:47 PM
 
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Oh my. (Sorry, saw this in New Posts, totally not my DDC!)

That is HORRIBLE. Not your DH, although that was impressively dim, but - getting friends to embroider onesies with the name when she knew it wasn't set in stone?? Yikes! So NOT what you need during pregnancy! I am furious with that woman on your behalf. And I definitely think you need to have a BIG boundaries talk with DH - sounds like she's trying to tear your family apart, and he needs to recognise that and stand up for his pregnant wife!

Also, although you've probably thought of this already, I'd strongly reconsider volunteering ANY information about where, when and how you plan to birth. If she asks, you could even reply (calmly) "I don't feel like sharing that information when I'm not sure of being supported".

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#13 of 26 Old 10-05-2010, 09:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We'll be miles away when I give birth but I still don't plan on telling them when I go into labor.. They would send endless messages to our phones, email, facebooks, my family, etc, and I don't think it's good to have that kind of energy floating around. If I told them when I went into labor, there would be the chance of MIL hopping on the next plane to come harass me at the hospital. My mom is flying in to make sure that this doesn't happen. Ridiculous how I have to plan out ways to avoid her.. She may have ruined alot of things but she will not ruin the beautiful birth of my child. And if she tries to, my mom will be standing nearby to take care of it.. We booked tickets yesterday to go visit everyone over Christmas and they are already trying to stir up trouble..trying to get DH to commit to a specific full week at her house so she can grill us if we deviate from it. (I don't think I could stand more than 3 days in that household.) So sad what everything has come to. I never imagined it to be this way when I first got married. I'm ignoring her in the meantime and concentrating on baby. I hope all of your pregnancies are happy and drama-free.

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#14 of 26 Old 10-05-2010, 10:01 PM
 
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How frustrating!
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#15 of 26 Old 10-05-2010, 10:13 PM
 
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mama. I'm actually tearing up reading your post...not only b/c your mil is crazy but she sounds errily like my own mother who is spiteful and immature. I'm also terribly sad to hear you say that you've had happiness stolen from you this pregnancy. More

It sounds like there are other issues than just over what your mil did with the original name y'all were kicking around. I'd have a heart-to-heart with your dh and let him know how you truly feel. Let him know that while you understand that this woman is his mother and that he loves her, you are his wife, you are carrying his child, that your family- you, your dh, and your babe- need to come first.

The name thing could potentially be the first of many trials you could have with your mil. Getting on the same page with your dh about your parenting and about limits you set for your family can go along way when and if you invite your mil back into your life again.

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#16 of 26 Old 10-05-2010, 11:59 PM
 
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mama. I'm actually tearing up reading your post...not only b/c your mil is crazy but she sounds errily like my own mother who is spiteful and immature. I'm also terribly sad to hear you say that you've had happiness stolen from you this pregnancy. More

It sounds like there are other issues than just over what your mil did with the original name y'all were kicking around. I'd have a heart-to-heart with your dh and let him know how you truly feel. Let him know that while you understand that this woman is his mother and that he loves her, you are his wife, you are carrying his child, that your family- you, your dh, and your babe- need to come first.

The name thing could potentially be the first of many trials you could have with your mil. Getting on the same page with your dh about your parenting and about limits you set for your family can go along way when and if you invite your mil back into your life again.



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#17 of 26 Old 10-06-2010, 10:47 AM
 
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Ugh what a rotten thing to have to deal with! I hope you moved far, far away.

We've always made a list of names and then decided after we meet the little one. Hopefully you'll be able to surround yourself with only supportive and loving people during that time. I'm sure the right name will come.

I definitely agree that you'll have to get DH on board when future issues come up, especially about parenting decisions. I think for my DH those kinds of topics only became more concrete after there was an actual baby. Then, he became perfectly willing to tell other family members to back off if they criticized the way we did things.

I hope you can enjoy these final few weeks of pregnancy.
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#18 of 26 Old 10-06-2010, 04:22 PM
 
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Oh mama, that sounds awful I'm SO sorry you are dealing with such craziness and cruelty from his family!

I'm thinking about you- hope you can find some tranquility in these final weeks.
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#19 of 26 Old 10-06-2010, 04:42 PM
 
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I am so sorry, I think you have every right to be upset about how things have transpired. I second everything that birthdancedoula has said, and I really hope you can get your DH to see your point of view on this matter. I know it can be hard for men to cut those apron strings from their moms in a lot of cases, but hopefully he takes one look at your son and realizes that his family is no longer him and mom and dad but has now shifted into his own hands - and he needs to stand up for it. lots of and

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#20 of 26 Old 10-07-2010, 08:06 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks everyone. It's comforting to know that I'm not going insane and that I have a right to be upset. DH has gotten a little better over time but he still has a lot of learning to do..he's getting there though. We are going to have a very serious talk with his mother when we visit back home. She needs to know that both of us are on the same page and that it's not okay to continue acting so selfishly. I have a feeling that everything will change when DH sets eyes on this sweet baby. I think he's not quite on the same level that I am (as far as protecting our family goes) because he is not carrying him and he is gone for the majority of the day with school and studies. He sees me running around with a belly for 2 hours in the evening then goes straight to bed..but I think the cohesiveness of our family will come together when the little guy arrives. (at least that's what I hope) For now, I'm taking things day by day. My pup is still very very sick and requires hours of nursing. (nasogastric feedings, meds, appointments, etc) so he's been a distraction from it all. Alot going on right now but I'm hopeful that life will be back to normal in a few weeks.

Still on the hunt for names but decided that I am going to pick a name when I see him and spend time with him..so there's no telling what the name will be now.Thanks for the hugs and well wishes, mamas. It's so comforting to have a support group in times like these.

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#21 of 26 Old 10-07-2010, 09:56 AM
 
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I'm upset for you too.

What if you used a decoy name? Make up something that you'd never use & tell everyone that's the name (but maybe tell your Mom it isn't the *real* name.) Then keep your special name to yourself - even if it's the name DH let slip, maybe if you throw out a new (fake) name, MIL & SIL will drop the news before it spreads?

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#22 of 26 Old 10-07-2010, 02:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Good idea! I was thinking of doing something similar last night..if DH told mother in law the decoy name, she would scream it from mountain tops for me and might actually help the situation. (did I just say mother-in-law and help in the same sentence?!) This could be good. However, I can expect to have something else with an embroidered name on it..oh well. Better to have a few onesies with a random name than to have the surprise name ruined, huh?

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#23 of 26 Old 10-07-2010, 03:02 PM
 
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Maybe if you give her different names in rapid succession (a couple different names a week, maybe) she'd realize that you're undecided and stop giving personalized gifts until he's born and has an official name.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I really feel like naming a baby is such a personal decision that you and DH should be able to do so in peace and with privacy if that's what you want. When your baby is born and you give him a name, that name will be his and no one else's. At that point your nutty mil and her name attachment and embroidered gifts won't matter at all.

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#24 of 26 Old 10-07-2010, 04:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Good idea! I was thinking of doing something similar last night..if DH told mother in law the decoy name, she would scream it from mountain tops for me and might actually help the situation. (did I just say mother-in-law and help in the same sentence?!) This could be good. However, I can expect to have something else with an embroidered name on it..oh well. Better to have a few onesies with a random name than to have the surprise name ruined, huh?

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#25 of 26 Old 10-07-2010, 06:22 PM
 
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Good idea! I was thinking of doing something similar last night..if DH told mother in law the decoy name, she would scream it from mountain tops for me and might actually help the situation. (did I just say mother-in-law and help in the same sentence?!) This could be good. However, I can expect to have something else with an embroidered name on it..oh well. Better to have a few onesies with a random name than to have the surprise name ruined, huh?
I think it'll be funny. But I'm evil like that. You'll have to keep this thread updated...

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#26 of 26 Old 10-07-2010, 06:53 PM
 
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That sounds terrible. It also sounds like your main priority at this point should be convincing your dh not to "accidentally" inform his mother when you go into labor. It doesn't sound like he has much backbone in that department.
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