How to tell my family to back off...in a nice way - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 16 Old 08-02-2010, 12:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have made up my mind that if this pregnancy keeps going as good as it has been (other than a couple of little bumps in the road at the beginning) that I'm going to go ahead and try for a VBAC instead of opting for a second c-section. I don't want a long recovery time and I just wasn't myself after my c-section with dd. ANYWAYS, my mom and 2 or 3 of her sisters are insisting that there is no way that I can have a VBAC and they aren't being very supportive of me. What is the best way to get them to understand I don't appreciate their negative comments that won't hurt their feelings too bad. I love all of my family and I want them all to be happy for me and I just want some support with the choice that i've made for myself and my baby. I've already been explained the risks and on my end it looks like the risks for a repeat c-section is more dangerous than my risks for a VBAC. If anyone has any suggestions please feel free to share. I promise you won't hurt feelings here lol... I mean am i being too unreasonable with wanting people to support my choices and to keep their negative opinions to themselves?

Brandy(28) mommy to Jayde (12/14/03) and Emma Mattilynn-Gail born 12/06/10 and Loving wife to DH (32)! TTC#3 since April 2011! Missing our little angel.gifs that we lost so early 7/11 & 11/11! Praying to get our rainbow1284.gif babyf.gifsoon!

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#2 of 16 Old 08-02-2010, 01:18 PM
 
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I have so been there, done that with family not supporting our choices.

I think it is reasonable to say that you appreciate their concern, but that this is a decision you feel best making in conjunction with your doctor (if you have a doctor who is supporting your choice for VBAC).

There is no rational reason to insist on a repeat c-section. Sometimes there is the perception that it is the least risky choice, and as you know, that perception is not always true.

You might find that your family cannot support your choice, but that they stop trying to undermine it. Again, in my experience, it is reasonable to ask for your choice to be respected. Unlikely to expect it to be supported.

It is hard not having the support of the people you love. But you do need to make the decision that is best for you. Well meaning family can express their opinion. Once. Ideally if you do not see eye to eye, it becomes something that is no longer discussed.

Megan, mama to her little boy (Feb2008) and introducing our little girl (Dec 2010)
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#3 of 16 Old 08-02-2010, 01:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you. It's hard to sit there and try to explain to people who don't want to hear it that my chances are greater this time to not HAVE to schedual a c-section. I think i'm going to sit down with my mom over lunch or something sometime this week and just ask her to respect my choice and leave it at that. I'm pretty sure she's not going to agree with me or my OB about what really is best for me and baby. I'm also trying to get her to realize that this will be her first grandchild out of 5 that she won't get to be in the room for the birth if she keeps insisting on the repeat c-section because my DH will be in the room with me. She lucked out with my DD and my nurse was my old sunday school teacher so she was able to get my mom in the OR with my ex-DH while DD was born...we'll be at a different hospital with different staff this time round. Maybe she will start at least respecting my choices about this pregnancy since she was so excited at first and now that we know we're having her 4th granddaughter she's really happy. I just want everything to be as less stressful as possible because my last pregnancy was VERY stressful and that didn't help when it came time to deliver DD. ANYWAY, i'm always on my soap box lol...i'm happy to know i'm not the only one who just wishes people could respect other's choices in life and live with it.

Brandy(28) mommy to Jayde (12/14/03) and Emma Mattilynn-Gail born 12/06/10 and Loving wife to DH (32)! TTC#3 since April 2011! Missing our little angel.gifs that we lost so early 7/11 & 11/11! Praying to get our rainbow1284.gif babyf.gifsoon!

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#4 of 16 Old 08-02-2010, 02:14 PM
 
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Can you just tell them that you appreciate their concern, but you have made your decision and you won't be discussing it further?

Lori ~ wife to DH 5 yrs ~ DS born naturally 11.20.10!
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#5 of 16 Old 08-02-2010, 02:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by BarefootGirl View Post
Can you just tell them that you appreciate their concern, but you have made your decision and you won't be discussing it further?
I've tried that but they just keep trying to fight with me about it and it makes me really ill that they can't just drop it....and they are the ones who keep bringing it up and it's really driving me crazy...but oh well, if they won't back off i guess i'll just try to spend as much of the last part of my pregnancy in peace at my home. I am tired of stressing out over stuff like this with my family.

Brandy(28) mommy to Jayde (12/14/03) and Emma Mattilynn-Gail born 12/06/10 and Loving wife to DH (32)! TTC#3 since April 2011! Missing our little angel.gifs that we lost so early 7/11 & 11/11! Praying to get our rainbow1284.gif babyf.gifsoon!

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#6 of 16 Old 08-02-2010, 03:15 PM
 
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First I am really sorry that you have to deal with annoying and unsupportive family members. That just sucks!

Second, I come from the camp of use your voice woman! I use to always worry about hurting others feelings, etc. I then went through a wonderful transformation of finding my power and voice (continual process)and using it. If others have a problem then it is there own to deal with.

If I were you I might express something like this: "Mom, you and my sisters are really adding unnecessary stress in my life. Neither my baby nor I appreciate it. If you loved me then you would respect my autonomy and rights concerning my body and my unborn child. I am old enough to make my own decisions. If you continue to hurt my feelings by questioning my heart felt decisions I may need to take some space until you all can treat me with the respect I deserve."

Something like that. I really believe in calling family out on their stuff. I appreciate it and welcome constructive criticism and don't take it personally and I expect others to be mature self evolving adults enough to do the same. If they are not, sorry. Go check out some self help books, there everywhere! I have had to deal with a lot of drama from my parents over the years, now, they just don't mess with me. They trust my cognitive and heart decisions enough to not beat me up with criticism.

Good luck!! BTW, I know it's really hard, most likely if you don't deal with it they will transfer this attitude to other decisions you make in your life.

Owlgirl w/ life partner of 7 years & Nadia Avani 12/18/10.
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#7 of 16 Old 08-02-2010, 03:16 PM
 
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I think it boils down to knowing the reasons why you are making your choice and accepting that not eveyone is going to like it. And some may really REALLY try and get you to do what they think you should do.

Again, IME, trying to convince someone else of your reasons if they do not support the choice almost never works. In my life, it has never worked. We just had to find common ground and focus on that.

Megan, mama to her little boy (Feb2008) and introducing our little girl (Dec 2010)
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#8 of 16 Old 08-02-2010, 03:45 PM
 
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I don't have any suggestions because I am battling this myself. And unfortunately, having a sister who did have a UR after an attempt at VBAC has made the road rough. Oddly enough, my mom had a successful VBAC with me, with a vertical scar, but she is not hearing any of it. Going with a midwife is unsafe, even if it's in the hospital. The hospital I am choosing is not safe, going for a natural birth is crazy (coming from my mother who was knocked out for all her births - she has no clue).

My MIL even went on about how it's crazy so many women are having scheduled c-sections and how that is dangerous, but when I mentioned VBAC, thinking she would be supportive, she changed "are you sure that is a good decision?, do you know if it's safe?"

My DH is even hesitant because my old OB told me I would always need c-sections because I will always have babies that are too big for me (at barely 8 pounds?? )

I just look for support from people who will give me support. I have learned not to expect it from certain people and learned to keep my plans mum around the people who I don't want to hear comments from.

Mommy to 2 beautiful girls dust.gif4/07 and babyf.gif1/11
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#9 of 16 Old 08-02-2010, 04:17 PM
 
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I'm sorry you have to deal with defending your choices.
Do you think it would help to direct them to ICAN? Maybe if they read some of the stats etc for themselves they'd understand where you're coming from a little better.

Scottish Expat Mummy to: 1 angel and 5 earthlings (4 girls, 2 boys)
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#10 of 16 Old 08-02-2010, 04:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am greatful for all of your help and i will probably use bits from everyone when trying to get it across to my mom. I want to be nice because i do want her there when I attempt my VBAC...i'm def. going to get her some information to read on the pros and cons of VBAC and a repeat c-section. I just hope that she will be open minded. If not i will accept our differences and change the subject anytime it's brought up from now on. I want to make sure that i'm armed with the latest research on this topic and i know ICAN is a great place to go for info is there anywhere else that would be of help?

Brandy(28) mommy to Jayde (12/14/03) and Emma Mattilynn-Gail born 12/06/10 and Loving wife to DH (32)! TTC#3 since April 2011! Missing our little angel.gifs that we lost so early 7/11 & 11/11! Praying to get our rainbow1284.gif babyf.gifsoon!

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#11 of 16 Old 08-03-2010, 04:38 PM
 
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Mama to Dylan 12/20/08 and Milo 12/22/10 hbac.gif
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#12 of 16 Old 08-04-2010, 02:52 AM
 
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Families can just drive you nuts can't they?!

My mom sent me an unsolicited email not long ago telling me she hoped that I was not thinking about a home birth because they were so dangerous and I would be endangering my child if I were to be stubborn enough to try it. I had not whispered a word to her about birth choices or anything else for that matter (as she kind of drives me nuts anyway).

Then my grandmother called two weeks later and started raving about the same thing (also totally unprovoked). I figured that one of their women's magazines had a story about a home birth gone wrong and now they were on a soap box (gee, just trust mainstream media drama and don't bother researching your own stats....)

Anyway, when my nan started I thanked her for her concern and reminded her that I was a very well educated person and that I would do all the research necessary to make the best choice for my child and I. Then I changed the subject. I don't bother explaining why because they will just argue it endlessly, reason does not often win against emotion, esp fear. This is an important point - you usually will not win these emotive discussions so don't bother! So I just remind them that I am an educated adult who is very capable (it may sound pretentious but when they hassle me like that it is like they are insinuating that I am not intelligent enough to make the right choice.) So I remind them that I am. That usually ends it. After that I am with the other ladies, thanks, but this is the end of the discussion, I need support, not arguments!

Good Luck! It is hard I know... I support you!

Married to my best friend and delightedly expecting #1 (30 Dec 10)
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#13 of 16 Old 08-05-2010, 06:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you ladies!!!! I have been battling a UTI from HECK the past two days and just now getting a chance to get back online. I have decided that i'm just going to keep things quiet and try not to have anyone else bring it up until we are there to have little Emma. I go to my appointments by myself if DH isn't able to come with me because I don't want them blabbing their opinions that aren't researched while i'm in there waiting to hear my beautiful little one's heart beat. My mom is a very smart lady, she just hasn't researched things when it comes to VBACs...and i'm done explaining it to her. We've gone almost 5 days without having the conversation and that makes me very happy!!!! I will just let her know that i've made my choices with the blessing of DH and that WE will decide what is best for me and baby Emma when we have our last u/s at 36 weeks. That's when i'll know if she's facing the right way...that's they only thing that the OB has told me we are waiting on to get the GO for a VBAC. I also start my birthing classes with DH on October 4th so I'm thinking that we will probably get some very useful information at those classes (that we will attend for 5 weeks straight every monday night) and if we do and she askes me anything about it again i'll just make my mom copies of the information i get and let her read. She is old enough to know how to read and not have her 26 year old daughter read it to her. And like i've said before...if she can't accept the way I want to birth my child she doesn't have to be there....and that would kill me because me and my mom are so close...but i'm not going to have her making a beautiful day stressful for me when it's not needed. I appreciate all of the support though, it's nice to know that I do have other women out there who are supportive of the way i feel...and I hope that we all have a wonderful birth here in a few months!!!!!

Brandy(28) mommy to Jayde (12/14/03) and Emma Mattilynn-Gail born 12/06/10 and Loving wife to DH (32)! TTC#3 since April 2011! Missing our little angel.gifs that we lost so early 7/11 & 11/11! Praying to get our rainbow1284.gif babyf.gifsoon!

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#14 of 16 Old 08-05-2010, 06:42 PM
 
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DDCC

I would keep this discussion focused on the fact that they are hurting your feelings and bringing stress and negativity into your life at what is supposed to be a joyful time and away from arguments to convince them that VBAC is ok. You probably won't be able to convince them of that, but everyone understands hurt feelings and that a pregnant woman isn't supposed to be stressed out.
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#15 of 16 Old 08-06-2010, 01:10 PM
 
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! It sounds like your situation is much more in your favour.

And I hope your UTI is gone gone gone.

Megan, mama to her little boy (Feb2008) and introducing our little girl (Dec 2010)
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#16 of 16 Old 08-06-2010, 01:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you Mammas!!!


Ema-adama: Thanks....my UTI is SOOOOO much better today!! AZO crandberry saved my life!!! LOL I am starting to get use to the taste of cranberry juice too ha!!!


I've found the information that i'm going to send to my mom and DH is supporting me 150% with my choice to try a VBAC!!! I'm so excited because at first he was kinda put back by some of the wording the doctor used but when i finally explained to him that my chances were higher risk with me have a repeat c-section and how much longer it would take me to recover he finally got the whole picture. Maybe if my mom actually reads something she'd understand too...but i've decided that if she doesn't then that's her business and that we don't have to talk about my choices when she's around. I love my momma, don't get me wrong...but with this pregnancy she's been REALLY pushy...and I don't know if it's because she wasn't around much while i was pregnant with my first DD or what...but she can't make up that time through this little one.

Thank you again ladies...i've really appreciated the feedback!!!

Brandy(28) mommy to Jayde (12/14/03) and Emma Mattilynn-Gail born 12/06/10 and Loving wife to DH (32)! TTC#3 since April 2011! Missing our little angel.gifs that we lost so early 7/11 & 11/11! Praying to get our rainbow1284.gif babyf.gifsoon!

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