Angry, upset, disappointed - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 22 Old 11-02-2010, 12:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I was at my MW appointment today- seeing the same CNM I've seen all along.

The same CNM that wrote in my file "baby's sex is a surprise."

While she was checking the heartbeat, it was in the upper 150s. We had joked around before that the ol' wives' tale must be wrong, because DD's was never above 130 (the old girls are high, boys are low thing). Anyway, today she says- 160- man, he's really excited today. I assume she's just using the pronoun- until she goes on to say that I must have "backwards babies." It still didn't sink in.

We go over my birth plan. She doesn't read every line out loud, but SURELY she read the line "Please allow Brett (husband) to announce baby's sex."

At the end, she says, "Oh, by the way, have you decided what you're naming him? I always like to write that down." Insert my shocked looked here. Then she goes, "Oh, I get it- the name is a surprise."

NO, NO, NO- the name isn't the surprise. And you just ruined it for me. And I was too hurt to say anything.

I feel like I was robbed. I am soooo disappointed- not that it's a boy, but I didn't hear it from DH. That was my absolute favorite part of DD's birth.

I did tell DH what had happened, and offered to keep it a secret. But he decided to ask me anyway, and he's really excited- he totally wanted a boy. But I can't help but feel it would have been even cooler had we been surprised at the birth- he's been convinced all along that this little one was a girl, too.

We're not telling anyone IRL, so I guess I just needed to vent.

Running, blogging, gardening, military mama... to Louisa Mae 9/2/09 and June Elizabeth 12/7/10. 
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#2 of 22 Old 11-02-2010, 12:46 AM
 
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Oh gosh, I would be livid and feel such a sense of let down. How anticlimatic.
How does she know the sex anyway? Did they have it on file somewhere? I don't see why they would need to have a record of that...

I'm so sorry you found out that way. I'd be so incredibly upset.

Congrats on your boy though. That's wonderful news.
I hope you can find peace with how it all unfolded.

Scottish Expat Mummy to: 1 angel and 5 earthlings (4 girls, 2 boys)
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#3 of 22 Old 11-02-2010, 12:53 AM
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I'm sorry mama. That's really frustrating and such a let down. I'd be upset too.

 
Rachel , wifey to best friend Karl ,
SAHM to Kaelan (11) Chandra (9) Liam (7) Lachlan (5) Killian (4),Riordan (1), Baby Boy EDD 11/14. All born at home!

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#4 of 22 Old 11-02-2010, 01:24 AM
 
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Oh, I'm so sorry, how disappointing to have that surprise taken away when you've waited this long already!!!

DH & Me + DS(7)  DD(6)  DD(4)  DS(3)  DD(1)  
 
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#5 of 22 Old 11-02-2010, 02:13 AM
 
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Something similar happened to me with my son. I had to go in for an ultrasound at 38 weeks or so because they were worried about some complications (everything was fine). I'd been really careful before, but utterly forgot to tell the ultrasound tech that I didn't know, so she spoiled the surprise! It wasn't nearly as maddening, since it was no one's fault, but it was a bit sad. I made myself feel better by keeping it a total secret from everyone else (even my husband), so I could see them all surprised. So far, no one (not me or the midwives) knows this time around, but I'm worried about something similar happening again.

I'm sorry, I'd be upset too!
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#6 of 22 Old 11-02-2010, 06:32 AM
 
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WoW.
I would be soooo angry and feel robbed as well!
There is a reason that every person that sees my chart in my ob's office asks a version of "so do we know the sex?" at the beginning of EVERY conversation. From the nurse that checks your blood pressure to the mw's to the arnp's that do low risk early visits to the ob's.
At first it seems like it gets old, but they are super trained to not let the cat out of the bag.
Sounds like your mw could use a little of that!
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#7 of 22 Old 11-02-2010, 07:53 AM
 
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The same exact thing happened to me way back in the second trimester. We really, really wanted a surprise and someone slipped (a couple of someones, actually). I would be even MORE livid if I had gotten so far and had the surprise spoiled this close to birth! I'm sorry, it sucks.

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#8 of 22 Old 11-02-2010, 07:56 AM
 
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Oh, I am so sorry! I would be so very upset if that happened to me! And that is esp. rough because they just took away your favorite part of your previous birth experience. Congratulations on the boy, though; and I tihnk it's smart you're not telling anyone else IRL. You'll have to tell us what becomes your favorite part for this birth!

And you should totally tell the midwife about this, and how upset you are, either now or at the latest at your next appointment. This is a major thing she just did, and she needs to get a piece of your mind about it!

Emily--Married to the love of my life 2008--Joyful mommy to Rachel Elizabeth 12/10
PM me about low supply; insufficient glandular tissue; posterior tongue tie; lip tie bfinfant.gif
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#9 of 22 Old 11-02-2010, 08:36 AM
 
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I am so sorry I would be upset, too, so your feelings are very valid

Mama to Eleanore Rae, born April 6, 2008 & Adelaide Jane, born December 16, 2010, Cautiously expecting #3 September 10, 2013

I blog! Check my profile for the link

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#10 of 22 Old 11-02-2010, 08:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fat Scottish Gal View Post
Oh gosh, I would be livid and feel such a sense of let down. How anticlimatic.
How does she know the sex anyway? Did they have it on file somewhere? I don't see why they would need to have a record of that...

I'm so sorry you found out that way. I'd be so incredibly upset.

Congrats on your boy though. That's wonderful news.
I hope you can find peace with how it all unfolded.
Apparently it's written in my chart. I know that when I had my u/s they checked and wrote it down, and just didn't tell me- and she read it out of my chart.

Although I don't see why that would need to be recorded....

Thank you so much for your kind words!

Running, blogging, gardening, military mama... to Louisa Mae 9/2/09 and June Elizabeth 12/7/10. 
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#11 of 22 Old 11-02-2010, 11:04 AM
 
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Oh I'm so sorry! I would be so upset too. I agree that you should talk with her and let her know what she did, if for no other reason than hopefully she'll be more aware/careful in the future and not ruin it for someone else. I am so sorry.

But congrats on a boy!

Sarah-wife, mother, doula, and teacher.
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#12 of 22 Old 11-02-2010, 11:12 AM
 
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I would be upset and disappointed too. I agree with Sarah, I would say something, she should be made aware of her faux-pas so at least she hopefully doesn't make the same mistake!!

Mama to DD 4/06 notes2.gif  new DS stork-boy.gif born 17/12/10 familybed2.gifnovaxnocirc.gif
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#13 of 22 Old 11-02-2010, 11:24 AM
 
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See that kind of info does not need to be on the chart. Unless the baby has a medical condition that the sex is relevant for, like a missing testicle or something, then there is no reason to record that iinfo. I agree that if you feel up to it, you should let the midwife know how she made a mistake and it has totally devastated somethinig sacred to you. And they should look into their policy of keeping a record of the sex.

In Scotland it's very rare to find out the sex of the baby in pregnancy and may hospitals have a policy against it. Somehow they manage to get through 9 months of prenatal care without knowing such details, I don't see why your midwife should need to know.

I'm so frustrated for you. I fell asleep thinking about this last night, it really bothers me. I can't imagine how upset you must be.

I guess what happened happened and you can only move forward from here. I do hope she realizes what she stole from you and that it bothers her (is that evil of me?).

Scottish Expat Mummy to: 1 angel and 5 earthlings (4 girls, 2 boys)
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#14 of 22 Old 11-02-2010, 03:01 PM
 
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So sorry this happened to you. I'm surprised your CNM was so thoughtless! I'd be royally ticked off to find out that way.

Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. ~Dylan Thomas

 

<3 LBM <3 AHM <3

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#15 of 22 Old 11-02-2010, 05:31 PM
 
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I am so sorry your big surprise was ruined. I do think you should inform your midwife, just so she doesn't ruin someone else's surprise in the future.

We, too, have not found out what the sex is and, frankly, I'm surprised by how well everyone involved (esp the ultrasound techs) has kept hush hush about it. I was positive the info would slip out somehow, esp when I got my medical files from my midwife before going on a trip around 26 weeks. But maybe that info isn't in my file anywhere.

Our Tiger Cub arrived 12/29/10
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#16 of 22 Old 11-02-2010, 09:02 PM
 
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Oh no, I'm so sorry that happened to you! I agree with the others that your CNM needs to know, if only so that she can be more careful in the future...

Congratulations on your little boy

Mama to Ellie (11/11/05) and Owen, born 12/12/10 - a successful VBAC!
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#17 of 22 Old 11-02-2010, 10:08 PM
 
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that is so awful!! It's another reason to love my midwife: when I decided to have an u/s with this baby she made sure to tell me not to tell her if we were finding out the sex because SHE likes to be suprised! How cool is that?! I also made it very clear to my u/s tech that she was NOT to put that info in her report and she was good about it.

I also have a friend that found out just a few weeks before her due date and she was having twins! I hope you do talk to your midwife and let her know how much this bums you out. She should definately know!

Peace and health, Jenny - Mama to my love 12/01, my lovely 7/04, and my beloved 10/06, and one angel. ****5****10****15***20****25****30****35***bellycast.gif40**
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#18 of 22 Old 11-03-2010, 03:48 AM
 
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I am so sorry! I would be upset too if I was in your shoes. That's actually one thing I am nervous about regarding the one and only ultrasound I've agreed to this pregnancy. I am nervous that somehow the tech will let the info slip, and I would hate to find out now, after I have waited the entire pregnancy to be surprised! I really, really, want DH and I to discover it for ourselves at birth this time, which was the plan with DS but it didn't happen that way. Is it really so hard to respect parent's wishes? It kind of irks me how common it is for people to find out. I mean, if they want to know that's fine, but it seems almost expected. I have been asked if I know the baby's sex by pretty much everyone I have come into contact with this pregnancy, after the when are you due question, and everyone acts really surprised when I say no. That, and everyone wants to know the exact due date, to the day, and I always just say the month, and then some people press further, for the exact date, like it matters! Most babies don't come on their due dates anyway.

Maria, wife to DH, mama to DS 09/2007, #2 12/2010 and hoping for a
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#19 of 22 Old 11-04-2010, 01:46 PM
 
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Jeeez...I agree with the PP...how lame! One that it is in the chart, and two that she told you. I would let them know how you feel. Perhaps, it could prevent a future expecting mom to feel this way.

Sorry. My dh told me the sex when DD was born and it was very empowering for him. This time we found out at the 20 week ultrasound, and to be honest, I would not find out the sex if I were to be expecting again.

Regards, Abigayle

Loving Mom to DD (09/06) and dear friend to DH expecting numero dos en 12/14/2010 hoping for and lots of
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#20 of 22 Old 11-04-2010, 02:10 PM
 
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DDCC ---
I'm SO SO sorry. I would be so upset. Did you give this yahoo a piece of your mind?
Ugh, we never find out the sex, it's a big thing for me to NOT know ahead of time.
When I had my anatomy US I was rather forward about not knowing, that I didn't want the tech to know and that I didn't want it written anywhere. I know they look to check that things are ok but that should be where it stops, nothing in writing.

Again I'm so sorry, I would have had to give her a piece of my mind just to make me feel better, but I'm super cranky and hormonal lately so...

Michelle ~
Mama to ~ Finnegan(10/06) ~ Samuel (7/08) ~ Henry (2/11) ~ He's here! joy.gif Baxter (11/12)

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#21 of 22 Old 11-04-2010, 05:43 PM
 
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That is my biggest fear (okay not the biggest but you kwim) and I literally have had dreams where the midwife tells me what it is and I get so mad. Luckily I wake up and it's not true (well it could be but i wouldn't know yet). With my ds i dreamed she told me it was a boy and it was! This time i've dreamt both a girl and a boy so who knows.

Anyway, i'd be really upset and I really think you need to mention it to her. I also look forward to DH announcing to me what it is (and then we plan to have DS announce it to family members). Congrats on the boy and I hope you find another magical moment in the birth!!

me, dh and 2 boys = our family (oh and a cat...who is also a male...lol)
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#22 of 22 Old 11-05-2010, 04:12 AM
 
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I was told DS was a boy at an U/S, before anyone asked if I wanted to know.

Although you had specifically said you did not want to know. I would be very disappointed and angry too.

Megan, mama to her little boy (Feb2008) and introducing our little girl (Dec 2010)
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