please help me...I've lost almost all my confidence and labor is near! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 12 Old 11-30-2010, 12:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So I had that unexplained bleeding episode over the weekend.  Even after EFM and ultrasound and bloodwork and such, they still have no clue whatsoever as to what caused it. 

 

And it has freaked me out beyond measure.

 

I was so ready and mentally prepared for this natural, spontaneous birth.  I had completely faith in my ability to do it, in my body's ability to do it--I have exercised, stretched, and eaten in a very, very healthy way.  I've gained the perfect amount of weight, I am not swollen at all, in short, I have done everything right to avoid anything like this happening.  DH and I have talked and talked and talked about how we want it to go, I've been doing my breathing and visualization, etc.

 

Then, wham.  I start having blood dripping out of me.  Granted, I only actively bled for about 4 hours, and I think I only lost about 1/4 cup of blood.  And my body was able to stop it all on its own.  So whatever it was, it was minor enough that my body healed itself.

 

But since they don't know what caused it, it could come back again, esp. with my uterus working overtime during labor.  Worst case scenario is that this was a placental tear that wasn't picked up by u/s and may or may not develop into a placental abruption.  Because the baby was wiggling around the entire time and the heartrate never faltered the entire timeI was in the hospital, they don't necessarily think this is the case, and I'm welcome back to my midwives out of the hospital.  I know that if they didn't think I could safely have the baby at the birth center, then they wouldn't let me.  I do trust them.

 

But I don't trust my body.  I feel like it failed me, and might again at any moment.  And now I'm filled with terror at having an emergency c section with general anesthesia!  It's just hard to prepre, again, starting from scratch, for a peaceful, natural birth when all I can contemplate is how scared I'm going to be with every contraction, just waiting to start bleeding again. 

 

General thoughts, hugs, and advice very much appreciated!


Emily--Married to the love of my life 2008--Joyful mommy to Rachel Elizabeth 12/10
PM me about low supply; insufficient glandular tissue; posterior tongue tie; lip tie bfinfant.gif
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#2 of 12 Old 11-30-2010, 01:18 PM
 
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Blood is designed to alarm us. It's bright red, and we are wired to respond with urgency to it. It's all part of the design.

But try to keep in mind, it doesn't have to mean something horrible is wrong. There could have been a number of benign reasons for your bleed. I know it's hard, but try not to think of the worst case scenarios. Chances are it wasn't caused by any of those terrible things you are imagining. Chances are you will still have a perfect labor like you dream of.

 

Of course, it might not go perfectly, there could end up being a legitimate reason for you to have a more high tech birth. This is where surrender comes into it. It's so hard when we have a vision and dream for our birth and we want it to go just like this. Birth is an opportunity for us to show our strength as women, it's empowering and extraordinary. But it's also a time to learn about giving up control. There's only so much that we can decide and manage and the rest is up to nature. The lesson here is to have an open mind, to trust the process, to trust your body and to surrender to whatever the outcome may be. Fearing the worst will only make things worse. Try to open, relax and trust.

 

I can't wait to hear about your beautiful birth when all is said and done. :)


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#3 of 12 Old 11-30-2010, 02:22 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Fat Scottish Gal View Post


Of course, it might not go perfectly, there could end up being a legitimate reason for you to have a more high tech birth. This is where surrender comes into it. It's so hard when we have a vision and dream for our birth and we want it to go just like this. Birth is an opportunity for us to show our strength as women, it's empowering and extraordinary. But it's also a time to learn about giving up control. There's only so much that we can decide and manage and the rest is up to nature. The lesson here is to have an open mind, to trust the process, to trust your body and to surrender to whatever the outcome may be. Fearing the worst will only make things worse. Try to open, relax and trust.

 

I can't wait to hear about your beautiful birth when all is said and done. :)


What wonderful advice! I'm sorry this happened to you, wholewheatchick. I honestly don't have anything useful to offer, but I have a feeling Fat Scottish Gal is right on the money!


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#4 of 12 Old 11-30-2010, 07:21 PM
 
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Sending peace and strength for you as you process what's gone on in the last few days. The unexplained is always difficult to deal with, especially when you're already dealing with the unknown of first-time childbirth. Resting in the knowledge that right now your baby is healthy and you are fine will be good practice for staying in the present during labor. Because, right now, everything is fine! You are doing great mama, and soon you'll be meeting your little one.

Massage therapist and artist, wife to English DH since 2002, Mummy to Oliver Finn 10/20/07 and Eamon Anthony 12/2/2010
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#5 of 12 Old 11-30-2010, 07:26 PM
 
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Thinking about you tonight! 

 

The best advice I would offer is to try to find peace and rest in whatever ways work for you- whether it's through prayer, meditation, etc. Read empowering birth stories. Try not to dwell on the what-ifs, and focus on the positive. Don't give up on yourself! 


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#6 of 12 Old 11-30-2010, 09:09 PM
 
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 I understand fear, and the not trusting your body. In my first pregnancy I had absolute faith that my body could do it, and I would have my baby at home with no interventions. Well, I ended up with a c section. In this pregnancy I have dealt with a lot of fear and anxiety about facing another c section or trauma because I know the best laid plans do not always work out.  I have struggled to regain trust and faith in my body. PP advice was really good. I am trying myself to affirm the positive, to believe I can do it, and to also know that ultimately I don't have control over the outcome, no one does, and to surrender to that. Hard to do. Wising you peace as you prepare for birth.


Maria, wife to DH, mama to DS 09/2007, #2 12/2010 and hoping for a
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#7 of 12 Old 12-01-2010, 04:13 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for your replies!   Fat Scottish Gal, your words are perfect, as usual!  I've been journaling a lot, and really working through things.  DH has been awesome; we've talked a lot about all of this.  Last night while DH was gone, I turned off all the lights except for the Christmas tree, put on a lullaby CD, and got in some great meditation.  I just really worked on visualizing, and imaging the sounds and feel, too, of laboring at home, and being at the birth center, and feeling our little one's slippery skin as I hug him/her to my chest for the first time while we're still in the tub.  It really helped; I am feeling much more confident and I do believe that my body is built to birth this baby.  And that hasn't changed at all, really.  I can do this!


Emily--Married to the love of my life 2008--Joyful mommy to Rachel Elizabeth 12/10
PM me about low supply; insufficient glandular tissue; posterior tongue tie; lip tie bfinfant.gif
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#8 of 12 Old 12-01-2010, 04:32 AM
 
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Emily, you'll do great! Your body will remember all your preparation and it will do a great job. I would try not to focus on the bleeding episode, especially since it hasn't come back in any shape or form. Sounds like you're doing the right thing by concentrating on your strength and visualization. No experience of my own here, as you know, but I know you'll do great!


DS 12/2010 bfinfant.giffamilybed1.gifcd.gif
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#9 of 12 Old 12-01-2010, 04:33 AM
 
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You're right mamma, you can do this. Your body is meant to birth this baby. 

 

Have you got a copy of birthing from within? It might really help you process some of these feelings to draw, paint, colour and get out some of your fears artistically?

 

Your visualizations will also help...you are so on track mamma. 

 

And fear is so absolutely normal...processing it can be so difficult but so wonderful once we find a way to let it go. 

 

many joyful birthing blessings to you.

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#10 of 12 Old 12-01-2010, 07:40 AM
 
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hug2.gif I don't think I could improve on what has been said by the other wise mamas, but I wanted to offer a hug and add that most of us have fears to work through based on fears of unknown or a previous birth, for me, it's a long (over 24 hrs) labour and a posterior baby and hours of exhausting pushing. I am so afraid it will go down that way again but I think what was said about faith and surrender are key for me. I have to have faith in what will be and I have to surrender to the process, however it goes. You've done great getting ready for the birth and when the time comes, it will serve you well, but however it unfolds is ok, we have to relinquish that control to the process and take it for what it is, not worry about how we feel it should go, KWIM? Sending you peaceful vibes and I hope you have the birth you want, I hope we all do!! love.gif


Mama to DD 4/06 notes2.gif  new DS stork-boy.gif born 17/12/10 familybed2.gifnovaxnocirc.gif
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#11 of 12 Old 12-01-2010, 07:49 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wholewheatchick View Post I am feeling much more confident and I do believe that my body is built to birth this baby.  And that hasn't changed at all, really.  I can do this!


You rock! I'm glad you're feeling more confident. You CAN do this! It's going to be so awesome at the other side, and so worth all this.


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#12 of 12 Old 12-01-2010, 12:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I heartbeat.gif you all!  Thanks so much!!!!

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Emily--Married to the love of my life 2008--Joyful mommy to Rachel Elizabeth 12/10
PM me about low supply; insufficient glandular tissue; posterior tongue tie; lip tie bfinfant.gif
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