Help me Feel Better About This? - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 15 Old 12-17-2010, 04:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm 39weeks today, or 39+4. Whatever, somewhere in there! For the past few days, fetal movement has really bottomed out. It's still there, but nothing like it was, and the daily boxing session at 11pm has suddenly stopped. So, I was a little worried. Not panicked, but  a little worried. I mentioned it to the ob, and she asked if I would be willing to go up to L&D for a NST and BPP. I was, mostly because I would never forgive myself if something was going wrong and I failed to act upon it.

I got up there, and am the only woman in a three "chair" fetal assessment room. The NST goes well, and I announce that we don't know the sex, and don't want to know. The one nurse was very much fine with that, and the other didn't say anything. So, they start the BPP, and the second nurse comes over, takes one look at the screen and says, "There's the penis and testicles!". I say, "Are you SERIOUS?!?! We didn't WANT TO KNOW the sex!!!". And then I barely held it together for a few minutes before disolving in to tears. Then she starts backpedalling and says it might have been a hand or the cord, or bla bla bla. She was not at all convincing.

So, a boy it is. I'm not disappointed that he's a he. In fact, I had been feeling that he was a he all along. But, I'm a little sad that dd won't have the chance to have the awesome sister relationship that I have with my sister. Mostly though, I'm devastated that the surprise got taken away from us, especially so close to the end. And, I'm peeved that the nurse didn't have the wits about her to keep her mouth shut. I mean, even if she didn't hear me announce that I didn't want to know the sex, you'd think she would have said "Hi" or "Do you know what you're having?" before blurting out such information.

I know what's done is done, but I'm really hung up on this. I'm even thinking, "Well, what's the point of labour now? I already have the prize." The sex surprise is sort of a tantalizing thing for me as I work through labour and second stage, and now it's gone. Also, and this might sound completely ridiculous, I have never been a huge fan of dd's name. DH picked it and loves it, and I did agree, but I don't particularly have any attachment to it. There are, however, two other girl names that I was really, really hoping to use, and now won't get a chance to. I'm not in love with our boy name either! AND, consecutive babies are often larger, and boys tend to be larger, and dd was a "brick" (9.2) and I worked so, so hard through a ridiculously long second stage to birth her. I'm a little panicked about a much bigger babe.

But, mostly, I'm just really, really disappointed that I know this child's sex. Can anyone help me feel better about this?  


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#2 of 15 Old 12-17-2010, 04:15 PM
 
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Holy that was so rude

i would cry right on the spot

if i did not want to know

i am sorry this was done to you

and hope you can enjoy your birth

did you tell anyone one elles in your family?

becuse see there face that really neat to

hugs hugs hugs


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Sam 05 Isaac 06 Melody 08Baby #4 2010
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#3 of 15 Old 12-17-2010, 05:06 PM
 
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I wish I had something encouraging or positive to say, but honestly, I would just be so unbelievably livid! Did she at least apologize? I completely understand how devastated you must be. And rightfully so. It doesn't mean you don't love this boy. Something truly sacred was rudely stolen from you and blurted out as though it was cheap and meaningless. You have every right to grieve and feel royally pi$$ed off about it.

 

I am confident though that when the baby arrives after all your hard work and you feel the relief as the body finally slips out, you won't feel disappointment or let down anymore. You'll be just as elated as if you never knew the sex, and you'll be just as in love. You still have your prize to look forward to. No one can take that part away from you.

 

I am so so sorry this happened.


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#4 of 15 Old 12-17-2010, 05:24 PM
 
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The exact same thing happened to me last time!  Though the tech was very nice and apologetic about it afterwards.  I kept it a secret from everyone (even my husband), so that the surprise could still be alive, even if not for me. 

 

It does suck though!  I'm determined to avoid losing the surprise this time, and hope I have this baby before they'll request those sorts of tests for being overdue.

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#5 of 15 Old 12-17-2010, 05:42 PM
 
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Oh that sucks.  I am so sorry they did that to you.  People are clueless to anything that is not mainstream....  As far as feeling better about knowing, well, I think it is ok to not feel ok about it.  Seriously.  

 

But, I would grab that name book and start picking out boy names you really like.  And, maybe now, you can ask the baby how he feels about the name?  Maybe that would help you gain something that you couldn't exactly have before?  Or maybe go and buy the absolutely cutest, most adorable little boy newborn outfit you can find for those first days of pictures?  I know it sounds kinda shallow to go buy something to make you feel better, but for some reason, buying a super cute boy outfit would probably make me feel a little better about it.  Just don't take the tags off.  Just in case the nurse's lack of judgement extends past ultrasounds :)


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#6 of 15 Old 12-17-2010, 07:22 PM
 
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_

 

 


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#7 of 15 Old 12-17-2010, 07:35 PM
 
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I agree with the others, I think it's okay to be pissed about this.  I definitely would be!!  I do understand not wanting to hold onto resentment going into labor.  I like climbergirl's ideas to make knowing as good as possible.  I'd also make an official complaint.  I think that nurse's actions are completely inappropriate and unprofessional and it would make me feel better to make some sort of action to address that.  I am so sorry, I share the feeling of the discovery of the baby's sex as a huge draw through the end of pregnancy and birth.  Mourn this, let yourself be angry and sad, and then do your best to make it as positive as possible.  ((hugs))

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#8 of 15 Old 12-17-2010, 07:40 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fat Scottish Gal View Post

I wish I had something encouraging or positive to say, but honestly, I would just be so unbelievably livid! Did she at least apologize? I completely understand how devastated you must be. And rightfully so. It doesn't mean you don't love this boy. Something truly sacred was rudely stolen from you and blurted out as though it was cheap and meaningless. You have every right to grieve and feel royally pi$$ed off about it.

 

I am confident though that when the baby arrives after all your hard work and you feel the relief as the body finally slips out, you won't feel disappointment or let down anymore. You'll be just as elated as if you never knew the sex, and you'll be just as in love. You still have your prize to look forward to. No one can take that part away from you.

 

I am so so sorry this happened.



All of this....

What a terrible thing for that nurse to have done. Unbelievable. 

Many hugs...and wishes for a beautiful labour where you are in awe of your beautiful little person when he arrives. 


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#9 of 15 Old 12-18-2010, 04:16 AM
 
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I forgot to mention, but little boys LOVE their mamas. My little boy is so much like that. Poor DH gets upset by it sometimes and I hoped this one was going to be a girl so DH could experience this too.


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#10 of 15 Old 12-18-2010, 10:18 AM
 
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I'm sorry, I would be SO pissed off to have my surprise ruined so late in the game. (We had our surprise ruined, too, but it was at 16 weeks and so it was not nearly as big a deal.) I think the only thing for it is to buy the most incredibly adorable gender-specific outfit you can, like Climbergirl said, and just remember that your baby will be just as much of an incredible surprise even though you know the sex. I was totally surprised by my son! Yeah, he has a penis, but there is so much about him that I could never have guessed! The way his hair looks, his little face, who he resembles, his mannerisms--all of it. It'll be incredible, and you WILL have surprises. But it's your right to be upset. I would be, too.


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#11 of 15 Old 12-18-2010, 10:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I knew I wasn't the only one in our ddc to have had this sort of unsurprise foisted upon me! Sorry you had the same experience, Nora.

Thanks for all the replies. I really appreciate it.

I'm still really disappointed about the knowing, but I think I'm starting to wrap my head around the boy parts. ;)

I think I might be going in to labour, but if I'm not, I will totally hit up a store tomorrow to find a cute, very "boy" outift. That's a good suggestion. We were just talking about this last night - that if we were going to find out, we should have found out a long time ago so we could have at least had the fun of making things "boyish" (we like gender neutral, but there are a few things I think I would have done!). Bah. Actually, maybe I can find something online! I think GAP ships to Canada now... or maybe there's something a little more organic/ethically sourced I can find... hmmm. :)

I'm still disappointed about the lack of sisters though. However, our kids are donor conceived, and from a known donor. He and his wife are good firends, but they live a fair ways from us. They do have a daughter though, who is dd's half sister and only 6 weeks younger than dd. They won't have a typical sibling relationship, because they aren't growing up in the same home with the same parents and shared childhood experiences, but hopefully we can manage to foster friendship between the two, and cultivate a few shared memories from vacations and visits. Our donor and his wife also have a son, who is 4 years older than this little babe on the way. Brothers are cool too, I would think. I have a hard time imagining snuggling a little boy, but I know it won't be hard to imagine (or do!) once the kiddo arrives!


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#12 of 15 Old 12-18-2010, 11:07 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by selkat View Post
 I have a hard time imagining snuggling a little boy, but I know it won't be hard to imagine (or do!) once the kiddo arrives!


Oh gosh, my little boy was such a snuggler.  Seriously, a nurse would pick him up to bring him to me (or help change a diaper, because I had a c-section) and he would just bury his head in their necks.  I think a few nurses would come in more often just because (and I did not mind, because I was in a pretty good amount of pain and it was nice to have the help).  To this day, he is a snuggler, and gives the sweetest hugs and kisses.  In fact, when I am mad, he will raise his arms to me and say, "Hugs. Hugs." and after the hug, he will say "Now you feel better, I make you happy".  It is so, so sweet.

 

I have relationships with my half sibling and ex-step sisters.  We never lived together, but we have all remained friends and do hang out if we are in the same town.  In fact, my ex-step sister (I hate saying that, but just so you understand the relationship), took the emergency call to go pick up my MIL at the airport and brought her to the hospital when DS was born.  I am sure your kids will end up with some relationships with the other siblings (as well as each other). 

 

Have fun picking something out :)


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#13 of 15 Old 12-19-2010, 05:36 AM
 
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Check out Etsy...there are some super cute little baby items on there...some that would be so adorable on a little boy!!!!


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#14 of 15 Old 12-19-2010, 06:28 AM
 
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I had a girl and then a boy and it's *wonderful*!!  They are great friends and love each other soooo much.  I wanted that sister bond for my DD as well, but really, this is different, but very, very good as well.  Also, my DS is a sweet little snuggle bug as well.  He is seriously the sweetest little thing. 

 

I also agree that even though it won't be the same as discovering his sex, he will still be new and amazing and full of things to discover.

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#15 of 15 Old 12-19-2010, 07:55 AM
 
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My little boy is only seven days old but I can already tell you that he is super snuggly :) I was a bit disappointed when I found out that we weren't having another girl, for the same reasons that you mentioned, but now that he's here I can't imagine it any other way! I'm really sorry you found out the way you did and hope that you are still able to get the most out of your birth experience.

 

PS: Zutano makes adorable boy clothes - I've been getting lots off Ebay :)


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