My daily life is very outward focused, and sometimes a bit mundane: meal preparation, toddler toileting assistance, squabble mediation, lesson plans. My mind is constantly swirling with tasks to be done, issues that need researching, trips in need of planning, and the coordination of schedules, all while attempting to address the ongoing and continually evolving and frequently unexpected daily needs of my household. All of that, and preferably with grace and good humor, and quite simply, not losing my cool. Or when I fail and speak sharply, or react in frustration, or the dishes sit overnight, or the laundry remains unfolded for yet another day, then I must additionally deal with feelings of guilt and inadequacy. Most days are filled with tasks intertwined, pieces woven together, some completed as others begin, scooping up the stragglers and fitting them back in. My eldest is copying his earlier narration, my kindergartener busy with legos. I scoot away to reload the washer and to hang diapers on the line with just enough time to dry before the last of my stash runs out. I kiss a toddler’s boo-boo, fawn over my son’s penmanship, ask him to work on puzzles with his brother, while I let the dog out, clean up from breakfast, answer the phone, go tend to the waking baby. I do spend a little time to myself each day, often reading online: news headlines, snippets from friends, favored message boards. Even this time though is often spent multitasking- nursing at the keyboard, chatting with a friend while bill-paying, answering my husband’s call while sending grandma a birthday card.
Taking the time, over the last few weeks to sit down and express myself through writing has been a bit of a treat. I committed to this class, and my husband was supportive and we carved out a chunk of uninterrupted (for the most part) time for me to reflect, and vent, and contemplate, and write. I found it to be cathartic and enjoyable, and I learned I have a lot to say! I have stories in my heart, and experiences to relive, and morals to relate. My words may never be of interest to anyone else, but in expressing my thoughts and exposing my deeper emotions, I have already drawn several threads of commonality and discovered the ways in which my own life experiences have woven their own blanket, seemingly unrelated events actually influencing or foreshadowing or shedding more light on each other. For this reason, I intend to give myself the gift of continuing to write, simply for myself, without any other purpose or intent. I am blessed to be able to be home with my family and love my current career path, but a wiser, more centered, and maybe even less-stressed mama, can only be a better mama and wife in the end.
~crunchy mama of four boys~