How long does everyone usually wait to start telling people? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 27 Old 05-26-2010, 12:48 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am curious... I know there is that common 12 week mark you always hear about, but at what time do you all tell family and friends that you are expecting? I didn't tell with my first(I was young and scared, just waited until people guessed), and I told well after the first twelve weeks with my second, and only to explain why I was moving in with my DP abruptly at the time. This is my first really "stable" situation while pregnant, and I don't feel like I need to hold back like I did with my other babes. I am excited, and I want to share with the people that I know would be happy for us. But I am only a little over five weeks along... Is that jumping the gun? Also, there's alot going on in my family regarding babies... My little sister is pregnant, due in Nov. I feel like I am stomping on her territory, she was trying for her's(mine is a surprise). The sis just above me just lost a baby she really wanted(three prior abortions), and my oldest sister just had an abortion she thought she would never have(5 kids, 4 dads already and living with friends). What would you do?
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#2 of 27 Old 05-26-2010, 01:05 AM
 
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We tell everyone right away, though I haven't yet announced publicly on FB or anything, I'll probably wait until 1st u/s for that. Mostly I want to make sure that my close friends and family know first and then everyone else can find out as they find out.
In your situation I would talk to each sister individually and carefully, then announce to whoever you want. Hugs to your whole family, they sure are going through a lot!

Sarah: Soon to be Mama to three! Tess(3) Lucy (19mo) and a new little light ready to brighten the world Jan 2011
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#3 of 27 Old 05-26-2010, 01:28 AM
 
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DDCC - your little sister may be grateful to have you going through it with her (and after all, she will still have hers first!) You may be surprised to find out that you being pregnant is just what SHE needs to help her get through it (especially after your other sisters loss) My DFs cousin is due with her first a couple weeks after I am due with my third and it seems to help her out a ton to come to me with the... is this normal!? sort of questions that she doesn't feel comfortable asking most people. Pregnant women seem to relate to other pregnant women better than anything else. That is the purpose of these boards after all, right? lol

The sister who lost... (so sorry to hear of the loss) that will be a tough situation to handle and will depend largely on her own personality. You would be the best to know how to approach the subject with her. My brother lost twins last year... at the same gestation as my loss (13 weeks, very hard to deal with!) However, he has handled it very well and accepted it as simply being bad timing (the mother and he broke up shortly after, despite plans to get married a month after the miscarriage happened.) Im not saying everyone will accept a miscarriage with that reasoning, that was his own and that is why I felt totally comfortable surprising him with the news along with everyone else without taking him to the side first. (Granted, my daughter sprung the news, I didn't lol)

The sister who recently terminated her pregnancy... will probably be just as happy for you as anyone would. You are in a stable situation, her situation does not seem anywhere near as stable. Of course, it again depends on her and her personality, but most women would be happy for another woman's welcomed pregnancy even if they recently had one that was less than ideal.

As for waiting, I have had a miscarriage at 13 weeks before and that was very hard. I did not wait THAT long this time to tell everyone, but rather waited until 8 weeks... after I had seen my doctor and everything looked fine. Then I told my children. That day, we had a birthday party for my son, at which my sister-in-law asked my daughter what was going to happen later this year (fully expecting her to be excited over starting school in August) and my daughter yelled out 'My mommy is going to have a baby!'

Our situation is... we were trying. Actively. But most people in both of our families believe it was an accident as we are not yet married or living together (both of which will happen next month and were planned pre-conception. This only changed the date of the wedding up a month for my own physical comfort.) My children had been wanting a baby brother or sister (sister it is!) for a very long time. Bugging me about it even. So when I finally told them neither could keep their mouths shut about it lol

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#4 of 27 Old 05-26-2010, 02:42 AM
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with my first 2 pgs, i didn't tell anyone really until they were over (early losses). both unplanned and i couldn't handle it. with my DD i told my family immediately. i was just so excited! and i'm glad i did - my situation turned volatile in a hurry and i needed their support. with this one i tried for 2 years and frankly couldn't contain myself. we've also told DH's coworkers - in principle we would have wanted to wait 12 weeks, but he's the town librarian. the normal thing for me to do when i'm pregnant is to read every book i could get my hands on - which would have clued in all his coworkers anyway, so we just 'fessed up.

we're not "out" in public but the closest friends know.

January 2011
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#5 of 27 Old 05-26-2010, 08:18 AM
 
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I was facing the same dilemma...to tell or not to tell....I am only 5 weeks and decided to tell family and close friends asking them to keep it mum. I figured not telling, even if a loss occurs, would make me feel really bad. I would have to go through the pain of a loss without being able to tell anyone....Hopefully everything will be fine and I will make it public after first trimester.

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#6 of 27 Old 05-26-2010, 08:21 AM
 
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Originally Posted by SuperSarah View Post
We tell everyone right away, though I haven't yet announced publicly on FB or anything. Mostly I want to make sure that my close friends and family know first and then everyone else can find out as they find out.
This is how I do it, too.

At-home mom to a teenager, an infant, and three in between!
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#7 of 27 Old 05-26-2010, 09:08 AM
 
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We waited a while- we're telling our families this weekend! I'm so excited. This is the first grandchild and great-grandchild on my side, so it will be extra-exciting for them!

I'll be 9 weeks, which has felt like a long while to wait to tell even our parents and siblings, but it was the first weekend we KNEW we'd see everyone on both sides in person to make the announcement. I still haven't had my first midwife appointment (scheduled at 10 weeks), and won't have an early ultrasound, so there's not been a point yet when I've felt totally "safe". Now's as good a time as any, right?

We're telling work, friends, and the Internet at 11+ weeks, if we can hold out that long.

Jo - WOHM to E 12/26/10, Wife to SAHD DH.

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#8 of 27 Old 05-26-2010, 10:15 AM
 
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We tell close family right away, everyone else after the 8 week appointment (once we've seen or heard the heartbeat).

WAHM to Ladybug (13 months) and Bumblebee
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#9 of 27 Old 05-26-2010, 11:32 AM
 
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I told my mother right away both times. I figured if I went through a loss, I want her there too

I think we told IL around the same time. I haven't told my sisters or brother yet because I think my mom already mentioned it

I had to tell work at 6 weeks because I had m/s so bad I was missing work. I think this time I will make a face book announcement at 12 weeks or around there

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#10 of 27 Old 05-26-2010, 12:26 PM
 
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We told my parents and two close friends immediately. We weren't planning on telling anyone else, but ended up telling two more friends (we went on a hiking trip and I was just exhausted and sick, and they were very confused so we ended up letting them know.) Other than that, we're waiting until 12-14 weeks or so.

Everyone in my social circle seems to publicly announce it the second they get the positive HPT, so I know everyone will be surprised when they learn how far along I am.
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#11 of 27 Old 05-26-2010, 12:48 PM
 
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We told our moms immediately after the positive test (it was mother's day, and we just couldn't not tell them - seemed cruel!). So, of course, that also meant telling both of our immediate families. We asked them to not tell too many other people just yet, but we know that they are both so excited- it's the first grandchild on either side of the family, and both of our mothers have been asking us when they might be grandmas for YEARS now (oh, but no pressure, of course ;-))

I told one of my best friends because, first of all, I had plans to meet her for a cocktail the day after the BFP, and when I ordered juice, she knew. I didn't want to tell too many people, but my partner didn't see the point in waiting, so we compromised and he told the people he works with (it's a small company, only 4 people, and they're like a family) and some other close friends, but he's ok waiting to make a big announcement to the general public/fb until we hear the heartbeat, at least.

My mom, however, absolutely cannot handle not telling people. She lives far away, but I've told her repeatedly that I would prefer she not tell too many people - after all, I'm only just 6 weeks pregnant and it's very early. But she seems to not be able to respect my decision. I'm not really upset, and I know she's just excited, but it's also kind of annoying to me. I don't really know what to do about it.
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#12 of 27 Old 05-26-2010, 01:09 PM
 
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Last time, I told my mom right away. We told my dad (they're divorced) and my MIL once the bloodwork looked good (we did infertility treatments). We told the rest of the family right around the end of the first trimester/beginning of the second trimester.

This time, I told my mom right away. We're planning to tell my dad and MIL soon - thinking about looking for a "big brother" shirt so it's a bit more fun this time around. I'm not sure when we'll tell everyone else.

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#13 of 27 Old 05-26-2010, 03:09 PM
 
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I never wait I tell people as soon as I know. I am just too excited like that and I can't keep something so cool inside.

If I miscarry I figure I have more support since I told people.

Sarah - wife, mom to Riley 7/9/03 and Jacob 7/15/05 and Hannah 1/5/11 a successful vbac.gif
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#14 of 27 Old 05-26-2010, 03:45 PM
 
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My DH really could probably wait until we had the baby to tell anyone. I liked to tell people close to me early on but after 3 losses it just gets a little old breaking hearts and untelling people. People who I thought would be supportive were not at all and just one more person to call with bad news.

So with this one we're the only ones that know. I've not kept any of the past a secret but it's way easier for me to tell everyone I've had a loss than the other way around.

expat_canuck - I'd probably tell your mom that if something we're to happen she'd better be prepared to call back everyone with the news. That has stopped a few people I know from mentioning it further.

Obviously I'm a tad bitter about the whole thing but to answer the original question I'm not even assuming that I will even get to tell anyone good news so I'll wait for a sticky baby before making any plans. Probably once we're out of the 1st trimester.

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#15 of 27 Old 05-26-2010, 04:00 PM
 
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Told my parents on CD 28 because we were with them for a trip planned long ago anyway, and we don't see them often. I wanted to tell them in person. DH's parents still don't know because they are horrible. Work knows bc I couldn't fit into my work uniform (at 5 weeks ....) anymore and had to switch to maternity, and it is veeeeeery obviously a maternity uniform. So, no secret here.
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#16 of 27 Old 05-26-2010, 04:05 PM
 
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Originally Posted by annablue View Post
Everyone in my social circle seems to publicly announce it the second they get the positive HPT, so I know everyone will be surprised when they learn how far along I am.


My friends will be shocked I held out on them, and coworkers whose wives are due the same week as me announced they are expecting weeks ago, and I'm not planning on mentioning it for a couple more weeks.

Jo - WOHM to E 12/26/10, Wife to SAHD DH.

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#17 of 27 Old 05-26-2010, 04:52 PM
 
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My friends will be shocked I held out on them, and coworkers whose wives are due the same week as me announced they are expecting weeks ago, and I'm not planning on mentioning it for a couple more weeks.
I had the same thing happen with MIL, she told my DH a family friend was pregnant and she is due like 5 days before me, and I was only like 4 1/2 weeks. So we told her we were pregnant. But I was kind of shocked that her mother told my MIL already. I told MIL not to tell anyone she didn't want to call up afterward and tell I lost the baby, but sadly, I think she would thrive on that attention, so I am sure she told everyone.

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#18 of 27 Old 05-26-2010, 07:41 PM
 
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I wasn't going to tell anyone for awhile but my DP was so excited! He kept coming home in the evenings and saying "I'm telling people!" So, we've told our families and closest friends. I haven't made the FB announcement either and I haven't told work.

Mama to DD#1 2001 reading.gif, DD#2 2002 2whistle.gif, dog2.gif, & cat.gif. Me & my man partners.gifbelly.gif June 2014.
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#19 of 27 Old 05-26-2010, 07:56 PM
 
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i have told my dad, i told him because despite us not having a close relationship, we do connect well and i knew i would get a %100 great response from him! (he told me he was happy i finally figured out the instruction manual!!) and besides that and one non OB doctor that needed to know because it changed my plans.

DH and I are planning a 4 day trip this weekend that will take us thru the home towns of both of our best friends and then down to my mom, so i have been holding my news to get to share with each of them in person.
i think i may ask them to enjoy the secret themselves till 2 weeks later when i get ot se the heartbeat.

after that i think we will be more open with it with work and shop mates.

the other big one will be calling and telling my grandparents, its a big deal for me, so the only real thing that is holding me us, is wanting to think up a good way to tell them, i should really just call. maybe i will wait till i tell me mom, so they dont blab.

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#20 of 27 Old 05-26-2010, 08:01 PM
 
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jessica_s - yeah, I've definitely told her that it will be her responsibility to inform any/everyone she told in case of miscarriage. It doesn't seem to slow her down at all. She keeps saying "I'm supposed to wait another 6 weeks to tell anyone?? that's so far away". But just about every time I talk to her, she apologizes for having told another person because she just couldn't help herself.

I guess I didn't even realize that it bothered me as much as it does! Hmm. I guess what is most frustrating is that it feels like a lack of respect for my decisions about my family and my baby - and it makes me anxious that she won't be willing to respect other, more important decisions in the future. But I should probably tell her that, not this thread!!
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#21 of 27 Old 05-26-2010, 08:50 PM
 
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Im the type of person that cant really keep her mouth shut...so Ive told alot of my friends and my immediate family. And my work. (im only filling in for the Massage Therapist that went on Mat leave)

I also told everyone right away with my first. Im just to excited to keep it in!
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#22 of 27 Old 05-26-2010, 11:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It's very nice to see that I am not the only one who wants to tell soon! For me, I think that stems from a want for other people to be excited for me... You know, to help me be excited for myself when I feel less than enthusiastic. I think having positive vibes floating around is a good thing. So I think for now I am going to only tell the people that I know will be really happy about it. My mom might give me a well meaning roll of the eyes, but she'll be happy for me... She needs to know, too... We bake on the weekend for the local farmer's market. I don't think I have the energy right now to bake all day. I'll tell my dad, and the in-laws soon. My in laws are baby junkies.

Thanks Maerlyn for the helpful post... I think I'm going to tell my little sister as soon as I can get a ahold of her. We had overlapping pregnancies on our last babies(her first baby, we both had girls) and I gave birth first. It's her turn to go first this time. We were helpful to eachother... In fact, she followed in my footsteps and had a UC. We're both planning another UC, so I think it works out well in the end that we can be there for each other. I think she'll be happy to have another close cousin for her littles. I am going to wait a while on the two sisters that just had losses... While I think my oldest would understand, I don't think she's in a place to be very congratulatory. We're a very empathic family and I just don't want to feel her discomfort right now. My other sister... I just don't know what to do there. She loves my kids, but was always right there chiming in that I shouldn't have more(and I would agree, thought I wasn't, really). We have very different lifestyles. And I know she took her loss very hard... It's going to be rough for her, I think, to know I'm having another. *sigh* I think that is one of the hardest things for me to get past right now, is telling her. I love her so much, and was really excited for her... It just feels weird... I got pregnant just around the time she lost her baby. I'll wrap my head around it eventually, I'm sure. And she will too. But in the meantime I want a lot of frivolously gleeful responses. Stocking up, ya know?
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#23 of 27 Old 05-27-2010, 01:54 PM
 
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With my DD we told our families right away. Our friends we told at 3 months and I told my co-workers/boss at around 4 months.

With this pregnancy we will be telling our families today(!) after my first Dr.'s appointment! I'm really excited this time around (not that I wasn't last time but was just feeling more cautious) and will probably tell everyone else in a few weeks instead of a few months like last time.
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#24 of 27 Old 05-27-2010, 02:02 PM
 
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I'm nervous to tell anyone, but my immediate response is to want to shout it out to the world. I told my mother last night, because we were talking about the possibility of me flying x country to visit in a month, and I was thinking that in a month, if this pg is anything like my last couple, I'll be green faced and hanging around my bed or the toilet. That said, I'm so fearful that this pg will last after my 2nd trimester loss, I'm a little lost as to when it's 'safe' to tell people.
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#25 of 27 Old 05-28-2010, 12:16 PM
 
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My family/his are very close. So we told them right away with DS and this one. With every one else we wait til 3 months. With family that you are close to which it sounds like you are. I would tell them gently because they should be happy for you and if some thing happens they should be there for you. Good luck this is a tough situation. We are happy for you and congrats on #2.

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#26 of 27 Old 05-28-2010, 09:48 PM
 
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In fact, she followed in my footsteps and had a UC. We're both planning another UC, so I think it works out well in the end that we can be there for each other.
i've seen this mentioned a few times, but can't figure out what a UC is...?

hoping for a !
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#27 of 27 Old 05-28-2010, 10:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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UC stands for Unassisted Childbirth. That would be intentionally giving birth without the presence of a "medical professional". So an old-school homebirth, in essence.
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