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#1 of 57 Old 09-01-2010, 08:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I went in for an appt today because I was still cramping and had a backache and they couldn't find the HB via Doppler. I was 15 weeks along and we heard the HB just fine at 12 weeks. I was sent for an ultrasound and again there was no heartbeat detected. No heartbeat. We are totally devastated. I can't believe this is happening. I am scheduled for a D+C tomorrow but I started bleeding on the way home and passed a small, about 4.5 inch long completely intact baby boy about an hour and a half later. Eyes, nose, mouth, tiny hands, feet, fingers and toes all visible. Amazing and perfect and beautiful. I just can't believe it. We placed him in a little box and will bury him underneath a tree in my parents' yard. We named him Landen. I'm glad I got to hold him in my hands even if it was in the worst of circumstances. With a D+C I wouldn't have gotten the chance to see him.

It's amazing how much love, and then grief, we feel for such a little tiny person who we never got a chance to know. I feel so numb. My boyfriend is faring worse than me, he is a mess. We thought we were in the "safe" zone, especially at 15 weeks. I never thought this would happen to me..

erika w/ds geek.gif(10.5), ddhearts.gif(8.5), dss sleepytime.gif(3.5)
Missing angel2.gif9/1/10 @ 15 weeks, and angel.gif2/14/11 @ 13 weeks
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#2 of 57 Old 09-01-2010, 08:41 PM
 
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SAHMlady.gifread.giflovin' trekkie.giffan intactivist.gifwinner.jpg to loveeyes.gifenergy.gifDD 10/00 & superhero.gifmoon.gifDS 10/04 ribbonpb.gifIf your ds is intact, keep him safe, visit the Case Against Circ forumnocirc.gifCirc, a personal choice, Your sonsyes.gifbrokenheart.gif11/98brokenheart.gif6/99ribbonbrown.gifanti-tobaccoribbonyellow.gifThyroid cancer survivor. With cat.gif& goldfish.gif & (Boxer)dog2.gif wishing 4 whale.gif&ribbonwhite.gifsigncirc1.gifselectivevax.gifdelayedvax.gif

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#3 of 57 Old 09-01-2010, 08:43 PM
 
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so sorry

Aron Mama to 6 homeschoolers -- 12, 10, 8, 5, 3, baby

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#4 of 57 Old 09-01-2010, 08:44 PM
 
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Oh Erika, my heart just broke. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son. Holding you and your family in my thoughts tonight.

- Sarah
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#5 of 57 Old 09-01-2010, 08:44 PM
 
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i'm so sorry erika. i'm sending love and support. i'm so glad you got to hold Landen and be with him...it is amazing how much we can love our little ones, even if they only are with us for a little while.

big hugs. much love. to you, Landen and all your family.
ashley

Mama to  angel.gif(2/09) & angel.gif(6/09) & Phoenix Lucien 2/24/11 homebirth.jpg
 
 
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#6 of 57 Old 09-01-2010, 08:44 PM
 
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So, so sorry mama

Kendra (30),  mum to ds fly-by-nursing1.gif(2/14/11), and one angel1.gif. Pregnant with my rainbow1284.gif due 6/10/13, it's a GIRL!!!
 novaxnocirc.gif familybed1.gifcd.gifhomebirth.jpggoorganic.jpg

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#7 of 57 Old 09-01-2010, 08:46 PM
 
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Oh no! I am so sorry to hear that! Take care of yourself
RIP Landen

Amanda - wife to DH Kellyjog.gif, Mummers to Trentreading.gif born 03/03/05 Bridgetdust.gif born 08/08/07 and a IT'S A BOY! Kennedy babyboy.gifborn 02/20/11!
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#8 of 57 Old 09-01-2010, 09:04 PM
 
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sending love your way.

RIP Landen

orngbiggrin.gif mom of three with stork-suprise.gif on the way

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#9 of 57 Old 09-01-2010, 09:08 PM
 
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Oh, I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Landen.

I love homemade: cute skirts, apricot jam, and family! 
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#10 of 57 Old 09-01-2010, 09:11 PM
 
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Love and hugs! Thinking of you and your family during this tough time!

Mama to one boy 12/98, one girl 5/08 and a new addition!!!! 2/23/11 Vincent Michael joy.gif
 
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#11 of 57 Old 09-01-2010, 09:14 PM
 
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My heart is breaking for you and your family. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Mama to DD (1/2004)  DS1 (5/2006) and DS2 (2/4/2011)
 
 
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#12 of 57 Old 09-01-2010, 09:14 PM
 
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There are no words to express how sorry I am.

Amy, happily married to my Sweetie Pie partners.gif, Grateful for all my Blessings, in love with my rainbow1284.gifbaby.gif
 
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#13 of 57 Old 09-01-2010, 09:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all, it means a lot I am alternating between feeling ok, numb, anger, and complete sadness. My boyfriend asked if I wanted to get dinner and I screamed at him that no, I just wanted my baby back. I know it will get better with time, but right now I just want him back inside my belly with a strong heartbeat like we heard 3 weeks ago..

I had a m/c several years ago at barely 4 weeks and this feels a hundred million times worse. He looked perfect on the 12 week ultrasound, I just don't understand why this happened.

erika w/ds geek.gif(10.5), ddhearts.gif(8.5), dss sleepytime.gif(3.5)
Missing angel2.gif9/1/10 @ 15 weeks, and angel.gif2/14/11 @ 13 weeks
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#14 of 57 Old 09-01-2010, 09:25 PM
 
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I'm so sorry Love to your family and sweet little Landon.

me, dh and 2 boys = our family (oh and a cat...who is also a male...lol)
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#15 of 57 Old 09-01-2010, 09:33 PM
 
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DDCC - I'm so sorry mama. I have no words!

Alicia, wife to an loving and faithful DH, and mama to three fantastic though nutty children (cs, then an HBAC, then a VBAC!!).
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#16 of 57 Old 09-01-2010, 09:40 PM
 
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Im so sorry.. Take it easy

~Heather~ Mama to Miss E (1/07), Miss A (11/08), Mr.T (2/11) and Miss A (10/12) Expecting our newest blessing sometime late Sept/early Oct.. Wife to my Marine since 11/2005
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#17 of 57 Old 09-01-2010, 09:42 PM
 
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I am SO sorry for your loss.

Laura, married to Daniel 12/16/2000
Claire b. 6/29/06 and Andrew b. 4/20/08 and #3 due 2/8/11!!
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#18 of 57 Old 09-01-2010, 09:44 PM
 
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I am so sorry for your loss, I'm glad you got a chance to hold him in your hands though.

Mother to  Joaquin 10-13-00ribboncesarean.gif , Israel 9-5-2008 hbac.gif Judah 01-26-11hbac.gif Jax 01-26-11ribboncesarean.gif
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#19 of 57 Old 09-01-2010, 10:03 PM
 
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So sorry for the loss of your sweet little boy.

Wife of the husbandit and mommy to the wonderful G-Mack, born 1/30/2011
 
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#20 of 57 Old 09-01-2010, 10:05 PM
 
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I know those feelings all too well. We lost our first baby at 12.5 weeks and we had had TWO ultrasounds where everything looked perfect. The second u/s was at 12 weeks! So literally a few days later I lost the baby It is so hard because like you said you feel all those feelings at once and your brain just cannot wrap around the "why"

I'm thinking of you guys and wishing you healing and love.

me, dh and 2 boys = our family (oh and a cat...who is also a male...lol)
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#21 of 57 Old 09-01-2010, 10:07 PM
 
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Oh mygod.

How horrible. Ugh. Ow.

Why?

big, big hugs.

Mommy to ds (4.5), dd(3) and growing a little Valentine's Day babe!
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#22 of 57 Old 09-01-2010, 10:11 PM
 
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I'm so very sorry, Erika.

stork-girl.gif She's here! She's here! She's here!
Baby Girl T - January 30, 2011
6lbs, 9oz   19inches
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#23 of 57 Old 09-01-2010, 10:29 PM
 
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Oh mama! Goodness, I am SO sorry! I am glad you got to see your precious son! I will be praying for you.

Blessed helpmeet to my man, mama to Cody, Sarai & newly born Rebekah
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#24 of 57 Old 09-01-2010, 10:32 PM
 
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I'm so sorry Erika
Sending love and prayers your way.

wife of 8 years to DH geek.gif, mama to DD blahblah.gif (2006) & DS jog.gif (2011) angel1.gif (Dec. 2012) rainbow1284.gif due Nov. 2013 

 vbac.gifh20homebirth.gif cd.gif homeschool.gif

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#25 of 57 Old 09-01-2010, 10:34 PM
 
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I'm so sorry mama. Many hugs to you and may Landon rest peacefully.

Mom to K and R

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#26 of 57 Old 09-01-2010, 10:39 PM
 
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I'm so sorry for your loss. It is ok to not know what to feel, anything you feel is ok.
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#27 of 57 Old 09-01-2010, 10:45 PM
 
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I am very sorry for the loss of your son

Mom to 4! Welcomed Aila Wren on Friday, February 25th!
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#28 of 57 Old 09-01-2010, 10:49 PM
 
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I am so sorry for your loss.

Cami, wife to a guy and mom to some kids. Expecting someone new in Februrary!â¢â¢â¢â¢5â¢â¢â¢â¢10â¢â¢â¢â¢15â¢â¢â¢â¢20â¢â¢â¢25â¢â¢â¢â¢30â¢â¢â¢â¢35â¢â¢â¢â¢40
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#29 of 57 Old 09-01-2010, 10:54 PM
 
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I'm so sorry for your loss

Lisa, wife to Jacob, mom to DS Ryan (4), DD Clover (2.5) and DD Mae (born 2/3/2011)
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#30 of 57 Old 09-01-2010, 11:00 PM
 
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to you and your partner mama.

Baby wearing Mamma to DS, dealing with all his allergies....and thriving w/another little bundle due in Early Feb
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