are you having a shower?? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 25 Old 09-27-2010, 07:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wondering what everyone here is doing?? I am preggo with my 2nd child dd is 7 and I am overwhelmed by everything that is going on with this pregnancy. I never had a shower with my first child tho I really wanted one becuz I didn't have Anyone to give me one . Seems I am in same boat again and it is really upsetting me . Maybe its silly but I feel like every mom should have that joy and honor at least once and I'm bummed by the idea that once again it may not happen for me. About 9 mos ago I "broke up" with lifelong bff permanently and even tho it needed to be done I can't help but to miss her a lot now becuz she would have been the godmother, auntie and 2nd mom to this baby. Before anyone asks its irreparable unfortunately. Not only that but I kno she would also have been the one to grab the bull by horns and give me a wonderful shower. I do have other friends but idk the etiquette around asking someone to throw me a shower and frankly the thot of having to do that just makes me sadder. I am not close to my mother so she is out and my MIL lives in another state. DP is not speaking to SIL and she is only other person who would have done this on her own without prompting or needing to be asked. There is so much negative going with this pregnancy that I just want something good and fun to look forward to. Sorry for the downer post, I'm just so bummed right now by so many things I thot i would reach out for ideas.
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#2 of 25 Old 09-27-2010, 08:09 PM
 
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Aw I'm sorry Are you close enough with any of your other friends to mention how you are feeling and see if they would get the hint and do it?

I will be having a shower. If I were having just one boy then I probably wouldn't (have only had one with #1) but with twins there are a lot more things I need that I don't have plus a lot of my boy stuff is pretty worn out after 3, and both my mom and sister have said they are throwing me a shower. Really I just want to have a diaper shower because I know we are going to go through them like crazy lol and it would be nice to start out with a nice stockpile.

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#3 of 25 Old 09-27-2010, 10:41 PM
 
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My bridal shower was NO GOOD and I was very concerned about my baby shower going the same route. I mentioned my fears to my friends and they have really stepped up for me. I don't think it is at all odd or against etiquette to gently mention the prospect of a shower to your friends or family.

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#4 of 25 Old 09-27-2010, 11:39 PM
 
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I won't be having one unless someone from church springs one on me again. Last time a church acquaintance asked if I was having one, told her no, she told me yes and planned it. I thought she was joking until she called and told me when and where it was. I honestly wished I could have skipped it. DD2 was around 2 months, DH was leaving again and DD1 was acting out but I had to pile everyone into the car for the 45 minute drive one way (because that was what was most convenient for HER she didn't care if it was convenient for me or not) to go and be given 70 packages of disposable diapers and a few plastic toys that I had to find a way to fit into my matchbox car and bring home then get rid of. Honestly Id rather have skipped it. I don't mean it in a mean way, I appreciate the thought, however if she wanted to do something a BBQ to welcome the baby where the rest of my family could come to would have been much more appreciated instead of having to leave my husband on his last weekend before he left for 2 months. Really I felt like it was more her trying to make herself look good "Oh look what I did for this family, aren't I grand?" than really caring about my thoughts/feelings. Specially since I mentioned many times I don't' use disposables and she made it a "diaper party" so everyone brought disposables ("that way you don't have to spend the money on them and you don't' have to use those ekkie things.. thanks but I think those ekkie things)
I had one for my first but it was fun and a good experience. I loved the feeling of family and the fact that everyone there had a good time. I got a lot of lovely advice that I cherish more than the presents. I would say 75% of them were handmade and just adorable. I really felt like people thought about what to say/bring and about me instead of just coming because they felt obligated to.

I say it never hurts to mention to a friend about it. I don't think anyone would mind. One of my friends asked me to throw her a shower and I didn't mind at all.

~Heather~ Mama to Miss E (1/07), Miss A (11/08), Mr.T (2/11) and Miss A (10/12) Expecting our newest blessing sometime late Sept/early Oct.. Wife to my Marine since 11/2005
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#5 of 25 Old 09-28-2010, 12:38 AM
 
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I have never wanted a shower but I can understand your wanting to have a happy acknowledgment of your pregnancy. I do hope you get it. I think if you ask a good friend or family member to plan something to help celebrate the baby's arrival into this world, they would understand and be happy to do it.

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#6 of 25 Old 09-28-2010, 12:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank-you ladies .... I'm starting to feel better now about broaching the subject with a friend . Idk I'm just not that person to ask for things for myself ya know?!?! So it feels a bit weird..
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#7 of 25 Old 09-28-2010, 01:08 AM
 
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Yeah, showers are difficult I think. I will be having one. It is strange though because I have lots of guy friends from my hobbies and unless one of them steps forward (ha!) and offers none of them will be included. Nor will DH's family although I *wish* someone in his family woud do one just to mend fences. Doubtful it will happen. The shower I will have will be mostly ladies from my Sunday school class and a few friends. It will be a mother blessing, eating, opening presents type thing. NO GAMES.

I recently read that the new etiquette rules are that as long as the mother doesn't throw the shower it is all fair game. So, mention it.

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#8 of 25 Old 09-28-2010, 02:13 AM
 
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I'm not really having a shower. I don't have many people in my life that are very supportive of me having a homebirth so it's a little awkward to do baby stuff with them. I think I might have a blessingway instead. My partner will attending and my doula (and possibly anyone we like from the birth class we are taking). Blessingway is more about getting mom prepared to bring a new life into this world. We are going to have tea, watch a birth video (probably Birth as We Know it), do a belly cast and a foot bath. It's meant to be just mom and the people who support her (so you would probably want your partner and daughter and any other family that is there for you). For me that's the way I want it to be rather than being showered with gifts by people I'm not overly close to. I hope things work out for you
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#9 of 25 Old 09-28-2010, 07:41 AM
 
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Originally Posted by OkiMom View Post
I won't be having one unless someone from church springs one on me again. Last time a church acquaintance asked if I was having one, told her no, she told me yes and planned it. I thought she was joking until she called and told me when and where it was. I honestly wished I could have skipped it. DD2 was around 2 months, DH was leaving again and DD1 was acting out but I had to pile everyone into the car for the 45 minute drive one way (because that was what was most convenient for HER she didn't care if it was convenient for me or not) to go and be given 70 packages of disposable diapers and a few plastic toys that I had to find a way to fit into my matchbox car and bring home then get rid of. Honestly Id rather have skipped it. I don't mean it in a mean way, I appreciate the thought, however if she wanted to do something a BBQ to welcome the baby where the rest of my family could come to would have been much more appreciated instead of having to leave my husband on his last weekend before he left for 2 months. Really I felt like it was more her trying to make herself look good "Oh look what I did for this family, aren't I grand?" than really caring about my thoughts/feelings. Specially since I mentioned many times I don't' use disposables and she made it a "diaper party" so everyone brought disposables ("that way you don't have to spend the money on them and you don't' have to use those ekkie things.. thanks but I think those ekkie things)
I had one for my first but it was fun and a good experience. I loved the feeling of family and the fact that everyone there had a good time. I got a lot of lovely advice that I cherish more than the presents. I would say 75% of them were handmade and just adorable. I really felt like people thought about what to say/bring and about me instead of just coming because they felt obligated to.

I say it never hurts to mention to a friend about it. I don't think anyone would mind. One of my friends asked me to throw her a shower and I didn't mind at all.
IS the bold a typo?? I'm trying to imagine having a 2 month old and being preggo enough for a shower.... *scratches head* LOL

me, dh and 2 boys = our family (oh and a cat...who is also a male...lol)
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#10 of 25 Old 09-28-2010, 07:50 AM
 
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IS the bold a typo?? I'm trying to imagine having a 2 month old and being preggo enough for a shower.... *scratches head* LOL
The shower was after the baby was born..

~Heather~ Mama to Miss E (1/07), Miss A (11/08), Mr.T (2/11) and Miss A (10/12) Expecting our newest blessing sometime late Sept/early Oct.. Wife to my Marine since 11/2005
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#11 of 25 Old 09-28-2010, 08:29 AM
 
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I had one last time, and it was very enjoyable. My Stepmother's sister (my step-aunt?) threw it - my Stepmother threw one for her daughter who had a baby a month or two before.

This time, I probably won't - it's frowned on. I will however be having a baby blessing (I'm pagan) and will likely have a 'come and meet the baby' party when it's a month or so old, and gifts will likely be given.

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#12 of 25 Old 09-28-2010, 08:34 AM
 
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I really wanted one ! With twins, we really could use the extra presents lol. And I woudl love to celebrate this with friends and family in a official way... but my friend who is usually the one to throw showers for everyone is having a really hard time right now so I am pretty sure that we wont be having a shower. I'm trying to just not expect one because I dont se anyone else who would throw one for us !

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#13 of 25 Old 09-28-2010, 11:44 AM
 
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I think we'll be doing a mother blessing ceremony this time around, but I can't justify having a second shower only 2 years after the first one. Even if we're having a boy, I really only need clothes, not diapers or anything of the like. If we're having a girl, we are SET except for some chilly-weather clothes!

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#14 of 25 Old 09-28-2010, 11:49 AM
 
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No shower for me, I don't know anyone here.
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#15 of 25 Old 09-28-2010, 12:01 PM
 
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I probably won't. I wanted one last time, since it had been 8 years between our first and second sons. I was really disappointed when my family just snubbed me when I mentioned it. Apparently, they thought it was a faux pas to have another shower even if it had been years before. I was too embarrassed to bring it up with friends after that.

A couple of my friends now have told me they want to throw a shower for me (they know the story I just told and they want me to have a good memory). However, this time, it's only been 2 1/2 years since my last boy, so potentially, tackier. The thing is, we thought we were done and got rid of everything. And I do mean everything (well, I still have my sling), which is why they think I should still have one.

But it doesn't matter either way. I don't need much, and I don't mind buying it all myself. I really would just love a shower to get together with friends and have a fun time. Like go out for pedicures and dinner or something

Op, I think you should mention it to a friend. If you don't mind posting where you live... if you are near me, I'll throw it

ETA: Oops, I just saw you're in Boston. Not close to me at all Still, I hope you get one.

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#16 of 25 Old 09-28-2010, 01:13 PM
 
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I recently read that the new etiquette rules are that as long as the mother doesn't throw the shower it is all fair game. So, mention it.

Jenne
I don't really get this etiquette. I mean, if you want to throw yourself a party, what's the big deal? You know exactly who you want to come, what you want to do, etc... why would this be bad etiquette? Certainly the trend is to make it more about the gifts, but that's not really what it's meant for, it's a celebration of life and big transition... a time when we traditionally want to be around those we love and have a bit more emotional support/encouragment...but that's just my two cents.

On the other hand, I wouldn't want to throw my own because I wouldn't want to do all the organizing! It would be more pampering if someone else did it for you. My friend wants to throw me one, and for a while i was on the fence because what i really want is a no-gift blessingway, but all the people i would really want to have a blessingway with are spread around the US...but, in the end, I have a lot of local people who keep asking if we're having a shower and want to be involved. so, i'm pretty sure we've decided to have a shower.

but i've got to admit, i'm really excited for those of you who get to do a blessingway...i think this rocks!

whatever you want, i don't think you should hold yourself back from having it. the people who really love you would understand why you want what you want. but, that's just me. good luck.

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#17 of 25 Old 09-28-2010, 01:24 PM
 
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I'm sorry about your former friend and that you are feeling down about the shower! I don't know if we are having one - last time DH's mom & sister told us they wanted to organize one and we said ok, but on our terms. Which basically meant a co-ed BBQ & kickball party outside with our close friends & family. It was really fun! And it was just informal although we did do the open presents and everyone say "awwww" time. So I think your "shower" could take many forms and include many people in your life - not just ladies. My best friend is a guy and I really wanted him to be included because he and his partner are like the aunt/uncle for our son.

When this same best friend & his partner got pregnant they had a "breeding party" instead of a shower. And that was also fun & just a good excuse to get together and celebrate a new person coming into being.

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#18 of 25 Old 09-28-2010, 02:38 PM
 
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I don't really get this etiquette. I mean, if you want to throw yourself a party, what's the big deal? You know exactly who you want to come, what you want to do, etc... why would this be bad etiquette? Certainly the trend is to make it more about the gifts, but that's not really what it's meant for, it's a celebration of life and big transition... a time when we traditionally want to be around those we love and have a bit more emotional support/encouragment...but that's just my two cents.
I think it is more if you throw yourself a shower and then tell people where you are registered and basically you are throwing yourself a shower to get things from other people. I think if you were throwing yourself a shower that didn't involve presents, you could do it yourself and it would be fine.

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#19 of 25 Old 09-28-2010, 02:39 PM
 
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I don't really get this etiquette. I mean, if you want to throw yourself a party, what's the big deal? You know exactly who you want to come, what you want to do, etc... why would this be bad etiquette? Certainly the trend is to make it more about the gifts, but that's not really what it's meant for, it's a celebration of life and big transition... a time when we traditionally want to be around those we love and have a bit more emotional support/encouragment...but that's just my two cents.
I don't think it's just a "trend" that baby showers are about showering the mother with gifts. If (g)you want to throw yourself a shower as a celebration, that would be fine but I would definitely specify NO GIFTS! It would be exceedingly tacky, IMO, to throw yourself a party and expect gifts.

To answer the OP's question, I won't be having a shower for this baby. I would politely decline if offered, because I have one of each gender and I've had my babies within the past four years. I know this is regional, but I wouldn't feel comfortable having an official shower for #3 under my circumstances. I do anticipate people will give us diapers, meals, and/or gift certificates to Target, etc. just because we have a lot of generous friends and family.

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#20 of 25 Old 09-28-2010, 03:08 PM
 
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I think it is more if you throw yourself a shower and then tell people where you are registered and basically you are throwing yourself a shower to get things from other people. I think if you were throwing yourself a shower that didn't involve presents, you could do it yourself and it would be fine.
This, totally.
Asking for gifts is tacky, there just isn't a nice way to ask people to buy you something. Maybe I'm just old school, but I also don't think anyone else is responsible for clothing, diapering or supplying my own baby with gear. My mom had a very small shower for me, with my first, and I received a lot of handmade things and some really nice books. It never would have even crossed my mind to ask people to buy me a car seat or something big like that.

I think having a nice brunch right before or after the birth, with a "your presence is gift enough" kind of theme and have people meet the baby is a great idea. Or having lunch with a few girlfriends or a mini spa day is also a great idea.

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#21 of 25 Old 09-28-2010, 04:27 PM
 
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My mom has mentioned the idea to me, but this is my 3rd child and I don`t need anything, even though I started selling baby stuff before I got pregnant. So I could use some baby clothes and a couple of things but I`ve got some hand me downs and used items coming my way.

My family does like to have a get together before baby is born, to celebrate its impending arrival and give me good vibes for the birth. The last time we had everyone write a word or message for the birth on a rock or piece of wood & I still have them in my kitchen in my cactus plant

The idea I have for this time around is for anyone who would like to get together to bring me a frozen dish, or one that can be frozen, or gift card for take out so that I don`t have to cook much after baby is born. That would be awesome.

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#22 of 25 Old 09-28-2010, 04:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you ladies for sharing all of your advice and experiences with me... im feeling more comfortable with the idea of talking to a friend about giving me one. I noticed several ladies mention a blessingway. What exactly is that?? I'm very interested in doing something different as a family bonding when baby come.. DP is DD's Daddy by their mutual choice but as blended family this baby truly binds us all in the best way and I would like to commemorate that .
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#23 of 25 Old 09-28-2010, 04:53 PM
 
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A blessingway is a mother-centered ceremony that is meant to give support to the mother as she prepares for the delivery of her child. Many people say it should a female only gathering but I feel that if your spouse is going to be your birthing support that he should be there and take part in supporting the mother. It is meant to be a gathering of people that are in support roles (so think of who would you call when labor starts, they are probably people who should come). Then the activities are meant to "bless" or pamper the mother. Often there is poetry or sharing of birth stories, belly casts, henna, making birth necklaces (typically each guest will bring a special bead to add to your birth necklace as a sign of support), massage, etc.
Here is a little info from the web.
http://www.naturalbirthandbabycare.com/blessingway.html
http://www.natureschild.com.au/flex/blessing_way/68/1
http://organicmothers.net/plan-a-blessing-way/
I think if you want a more family-centered gathering this would be the way to do it. Doing beading or massage is a great way to get siblings to be involved in the blessingway and if your child is going to be present at the birth they might appreciate being part of giving you support even before you are in labor.
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#24 of 25 Old 09-28-2010, 08:00 PM
 
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The shower was after the baby was born..
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! hahahah now i get it!

me, dh and 2 boys = our family (oh and a cat...who is also a male...lol)
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#25 of 25 Old 09-29-2010, 08:35 AM
 
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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! hahahah now i get it!
I have to admit Ive met someone who had children two months apart. She had been told she could never concieve naturally or carry a child to term so a friend of hers agreed to be a surrogate. They were jazzed when the first procedure resulted in a baby... and then a couple months after the procedure she found out she was pregnant and due 1 1/2 months after her friend was due. Went on to a healthy pregnancy for both and the lady is a happy mom of two young ones, they were two when I met her.. Oh and shes pregnant again. So much for never being able to concieve. guess some things doctors will never be able to explain but I loved talking to her. I couldn't imagine taking care of a newborn that pregnant and adding another newborn shortly after. Im exhausted taking care of one! Twin moms make me stare in awe becuase i dont' know how they do it..

~Heather~ Mama to Miss E (1/07), Miss A (11/08), Mr.T (2/11) and Miss A (10/12) Expecting our newest blessing sometime late Sept/early Oct.. Wife to my Marine since 11/2005
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