Having a hard time staying positive (or even rational) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 10 Old 01-15-2011, 05:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So I hit the 36 week mark yesterday, which I genuinely didn't think I'd get to, and I'm thrilled.  However, I've also weaned off of Zoloft, which was really helping me to stay reasonable and deal with anxiety.  I also have PTSD after my DS's birth at 28 weeks and subsequent NICU stay (at one point, he received an overdose of medication that we were told could be fatal, which, thank God, it wasn't). 

 

Now that we're 36 weeks, my concerns about pre-e recurring have reduced significantly - I know that we're watching it closely and we'd both be fine if it did, and my blood pressure is still good and my pee is clear, so while recurrence wouldn't be my ideal, I'm not as scared as I was even a couple weeks ago of that possibility.  Now, though, I'm terrified that the baby won't make it through this pregnancy, with no reason.  Every single ultrasound (every 4 weeks, because of my chronic hypertension) has looked great, great blood flow through the cord, I'm measuring right where I should be, I've gained the "right" amount of weight ... but there are times when I just get terrified of losing him.  It seems like the anxiety I've been having over pre-e has just moved into worrying that he's going to not be okay for some other totally random reason - maybe because I have a hard time feeling confident in my ability to support my baby, again, given my previous experience.

 

I want to do kick counts to reassure myself, but I haven't felt a ton of movement consistently all the way through this pregnancy.  Some days it's a massive amount, some days I'll only feel little bits.  My placenta is anterior and I think I have a lot of nerve damage from my son's cesarean birth, and so my doctor and I agreed that doing kick counts would probably just freak me out (since I don't have a time that I can typically feel him kicking a lot to check every day).  I've seen him moving like crazy on ultrasound and been able to feel NONE of it - the u/s tech once joked that maybe it was good that I couldn't feel him, because he'd be keeping me up all night with the amount he was jiving around, and I literally felt not a thing.  It's normal to feel less movement now that they're more cramped for space in there, right?  I've never been this pregnant before!

 

What is the matter with me?!  Is anyone else dealing with this?  How do you move yourself forward in times when you're feeling panicked, if so?


Kelley, lucky partner to my Canuck and momma to Peter Gwydion (9/08) whistling.gif, Eliot Theoden (2/11) sleepytime.gif, and Harper Ophelia (m/c 6/12) rainbow1284.gif . We breastfeed exclusively, cosleep peacefully, vax selectively, homeschool joyously, and love each other unconditionally! luxlove.gif 
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#2 of 10 Old 01-15-2011, 05:42 PM
 
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Oh momma, I am sending you SUCH BIG HUGS right now. While I am not in the exact place you are, I have been dealing with anxiety this whole pregnancy too (am 34+4 today). I have no "real" reason to be so anxious and panicky, or so I've been told (but not by my midwives or partner, thank goodness).

 

I am pregnant with our first child together, and have 2 sons from my previous marriage, which was ugly and abusive, and culminated in the boys and I moving into a domestic violence shelter. I think i'm still tense and dealing with that, and it was nearly 7 years ago. It's odd how things keep popping up that remind me of what happened while i was expecting my other sons.

 

Like i said, i'm not in the same place as you, but if i can humbly suggest a few things that have helped me, perhaps they might help you?  I have had to force myself into a routine, making sure i shower and prepare healthy meals for me, and try to keep busy (I stay at home while the boys are in school). I have to consciously get myself out of my head, and focus on external events, even silly little things like counting the stairs while i'm doing laundry.  I know it sounds weird, but it helps me.  I have an amazing therapist who has been super supportive and helpful for the past 3 years, so I feel confident that this choice to get pregnant was the right one for us--of course, no one can predict where anxiety is going to come from, but I'm in a really good place right now all things considered.

 

Another thing that's helped a LOT is reading my Penny Simkin book "Pregnancy Childbirth and the Newborn," because she details so clearly relaxation exercises and breathing patterns, and they have come in very handy when I've been so anxious and unable to settle down. The "roving body check" is one of my favorite things to do to relax.

 

I sympathize and empathize with you so much, and am sending you hugs and strength. You're doing fabulously, look how far you've come! You can do this!


Happy tattooed mama, madly in love with my 2 sons and my tattooist partner. Expecting darling #3 in 02/2011!
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#3 of 10 Old 01-15-2011, 05:43 PM
 
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hug2.gif I wish I could give you a real hug because I can tell how much you could use one.  A lot of what you describe sounds like the residual effects of what you went through with your first born...it sounds like your mind needs to worry about something and this is the easiest and most logical thing to worry about at this point.  I'm not a therapist or a doctor, but I have done a lot of emotional healing work over the years...I suffered from anxiety for much of my life...what has helped me the most is being conscious/aware of what I'm feeling, noticing how it feels in my body, what it does to my breathing, etc.  When I've become very in tune with it, then I send it love and see what happens.  Most of the time (99.9%) the love that is sent helps to melt the anxiety and I'm able to see more clearly what it is and where it comes from.  This really does help, but you have to be consistent with it.  Also, meditating on your baby, feeling his energy inside of you, can help calm your fears as well.

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#4 of 10 Old 01-15-2011, 06:17 PM
 
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hug2.gifI'm sorry you're feeling so anxious! Anxiety can be a real PITA. Personally, I think given your history that it makes sense that you are freaked out about losing him. I don't think anything at all is the matter with you!

 

I'm not dealing with anxiety, specifically, but I am dealing with perinatal depression. It started out as ppd and never really went away by the time I got pregnant again. Granted, I was only 6 month postpartum when I got pregnant, so there hadn't been much of a chance for it to go away! I am taking Zoloft and it's really helped a lot. I have no plans to begin to wean off of it until six months postpartum, perhaps longer depending on how things stand at that time. If you don't mind my asking, is there a specific reason you and your dr decided to wean? It sounds like you may want to consider continuing taking it, if not now, then perhaps after birth. Given your history and the fact that you know you have PTSD, it may be a very good preventative measure to avoid PPD and help you through the rest of the anxiety and PTSD issues.

 

When I begin to feel panicked about something, or more often in my case, very down/depressed about something, I find talking it through with DH helps a lot. He's been a rock for me. He can still see things clearly even when I can't and he can typically talk me down using logic that I'm just not able to get to myself at that time. I also wrote some of it or even drew pictures, just to get it out of me. Once I get the irrational feelings out, not gone necessarily, but out, I can generally look at a situation more clearly. Exercise can help, esp something calming like yoga or tai chi.

 

Have you talked with your doctor about your fears of losing him? Your ob may be able to give you more information about how healthy you and your baby are and reassure you in that regard.

 

As far as movement at this stage goes, its not so much that movement amounts decrease, but that the movements tend to be smaller if that makes sense. Like there's not as much room for that leg to move so when baby moves, its a smaller movement and a smaller feeling. Since you have nerve damage and haven't been able to feel a lot of movement anyway, it would make sense to me that you would have a harder time feeling those smaller, lighter movements.

 

Stay strong, mama! We're almost there and very soon you will have your beautiful, healthy little baby in your arms. joy.gif


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#5 of 10 Old 01-16-2011, 01:27 AM
 
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I also have an anterior placenta & have not felt a lot of movement at times. Like you, I have this fear of stillbirth & expressed it to my doc. He ordered a NST, and WOW! this baby is moving a lot. I had no idea until I saw it on the test strip. He also had an ultrasound & biophysical profile done, and everything is normal. I found this extra testing reassuring.

 

You may or may not want the same thing done, but know you are not the only Mom plagued with irrational worries! It's really just the way motherhood goes, and doesn't stop w/ the pregnancy experience. Be easy with yourself.

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#6 of 10 Old 01-16-2011, 06:04 AM
 
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(((HUGS)))

 

I have no advice nor can I relate but I couldn't read without just offering you my support. 


Mom to 4! Welcomed Aila Wren on Friday, February 25th!
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#7 of 10 Old 01-16-2011, 01:26 PM
 
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Happy tattooed mama, madly in love with my 2 sons and my tattooist partner. Expecting darling #3 in 02/2011!
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#8 of 10 Old 01-16-2011, 03:05 PM
 
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I know how you feel. We lost our first born at 38 weeks last March and am 36 weeks on Tuesday. I have mornings where I wake up in a panic if she's not moving and I feel like I am holding my breathe until I feel a kick or wiggle. I am lucky though because I can do kick counts really easily (and I do them 3 times a day). It would make me feel crazy if I could not do them so I know that must be really worrisome. I wish I had some advice but I am pretty much in the same spot as you. I don't know how near you are to your L&D but I know they have told me to just come in whenever I am feeling unsure or extra nervous about not feeling movements, or whatever.


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#9 of 10 Old 01-16-2011, 05:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Mamas, it's bedtime here, so I just have time to write a quick response - but I can't thank you enough for all your kindness and support.  As posts came in I was in tears of gratitude.  I don't wish this kind of worry on anyone - but there is something to be said for knowing that we're not alone out there feeling this way.  I will try to write a more detailed response later (assuming I don't fall asleep with DS!), but until I get to, thank you, thank you. 

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Kelley, lucky partner to my Canuck and momma to Peter Gwydion (9/08) whistling.gif, Eliot Theoden (2/11) sleepytime.gif, and Harper Ophelia (m/c 6/12) rainbow1284.gif . We breastfeed exclusively, cosleep peacefully, vax selectively, homeschool joyously, and love each other unconditionally! luxlove.gif 
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#10 of 10 Old 01-16-2011, 06:26 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BaileyB View Post

I know how you feel. We lost our first born at 38 weeks last March and am 36 weeks on Tuesday. I have mornings where I wake up in a panic if she's not moving and I feel like I am holding my breathe until I feel a kick or wiggle. I am lucky though because I can do kick counts really easily (and I do them 3 times a day). It would make me feel crazy if I could not do them so I know that must be really worrisome. I wish I had some advice but I am pretty much in the same spot as you. I don't know how near you are to your L&D but I know they have told me to just come in whenever I am feeling unsure or extra nervous about not feeling movements, or whatever.


hug2.gif I can't even imagine how scary this must be for you.  I don't have much else to say other than you're a strong mother, I wish you the best...

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