Jasper was born on January 26th at 2:28pm, almost exactly 4 weeks early. I wanted to stop by and thank everyone for all the support and community you all provided me during my pregnancy.
Our birthing day did NOT go as I had envisioned, hoped for, or anything. In fact, I never imagined I'd have to have a c-section, let alone have him 4 weeks early. My membranes ruptured a tiny bit Tuesday (the 25th) evening, and when I went in for my regular checkup at the midwife's office, i mentioned that i thought i *might* be leaking amniotic fluid. Yes, I was.
This wouldn't have been a big deal had I A) been closer to my due date B) not been GBS positive, and if Jasper hadn't been frankly breech and my placenta directly behind my bellybutton, rendering a version dangerous.
So i went in to the hospital at noon, darling partner by my side, and endured this unexpected surgery. Jasper weighed 6 pounds and 4 ounces, but had a wee bit of fluid on his lungs, so after watching him for about 4 hours in the nursery, they took him to the NICU. I'd spent a grand total of about 6 minutes with him at that point.
I managed to get down to the NICU late that night, but couldn't hold him or nurse him, because he was being monitored and had air (not oxygen) and an iv, and I was still mostly numb and dazed.
I didn't get to see him for another 12 hours, and it was nearly 12 hours after that that I could put him to my breast.
I had to go home without my baby, which nearly killed me, but we did get to bring him home the next day (feb 1st). The staff of the NICU actually told us that all they were doing was babysitting him, because he needed no assistance aside from those 12 hours of air assistance in his nose.
I know this is long, but it's taken me a month to try and come to terms with the disappointment and senses of failure--with the not experiencing even one contraction, with the sudden c-section, and with my total failure to breastfeed, which is another long story.
We're doing well though, he's gained so much weight and he actually smiled at daddy and me for the first time today!
Thank you for letting me get this out. I hope you all are well.
Welcome, Jasper! Congratulations, Mama! Those first smiles ... well, there's absolutely nothing like them in this world.
It sounds like you've been on a major rollercoaster. There is a wonderful, wonderful book called Parenting Your Premature Baby and Child: The Emotional Journey. Finding a copy might be worthwhile for you. It's helped me to process so, so many of the emotions surrounding my first pregnancy (unexpected c-section at 28 weeks due to pre-e), and to understand the hidden blessings in our situation.
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