Isabella Violeta's Birth Story
There isn't a definite beginning to this story because what allowed her birth to unfold the way it did took many months (many years, actually, depending on your perspective) of self-reflection, deepening my trust in my body, the universe, and life itself, and opening...continual opening. Instead of going into the details of years of personal growth, I'll start with her conception since that's what catalyzed much of the opening that was needed. Her father and I met when I was in a dark, yet healing, time in my life. I had gotten a divorce almost a year prior from my son's father, Chris. Chris and I knew it was the right time to move on with our lives, we had hit an impassable brick wall (we had been squashed up against it for quite awhile at that point, it just took some time to fully face this). Our son was our number one priority and we knew in our hearts that if we didn't go our separate ways that it would only get worse, especially for him. He was only 2 and a half at the time, but it's what needed to be.
We both moved out, I found a room for rent in a co-op living house that had some single moms. It sounded wonderful on paper, but the reality was quite different. My housemates forced me (by being mirrors for me) to face some of my darkest layers, the parts of myself I really didn't want to look at but I knew I had to if I wanted to be able to move on with my life and feel whole inside. It was intense, to say the least. It was also hard for my son because his world had changed so much, but he did pretty well overall. At the end of this sojourn, I needed to find another place for Quan and I to live, but I didn't want it to be random. I wanted it to be somewhere I truly felt called to be, at least on a soul level. Around the same time, I met Jovan (Violeta's daddy). He posted a poem he had written about empty hearts on craigslist and I felt moved to respond. We immediately felt a strong connection and started writing each other frequently. His neediness was off-putting, though, I normally would have responded harshly to such emotional weakness and vulnerability, but I knew that I needed to change. I embraced him for who he was...creating a new path that I allowed to unfold on its own. We met soon after that, I tried to resist how much I cared for him, but it was futile. We saw each other more and more frequently, enjoying each other's company immensely. We connected on all levels (body, mind, spirit)...we literally became immersed into each other, like our souls had naturally become braided. This union was not perfect, though, in the typical sense that perfection is generally used. It was perfect in that it was what was needed at the time for us to grow, but it was imperfect in that the reality was far from fairy-tale like. I didn't realize this, though, until after I moved there.
The solution was so effortless you'd think it was inspired by some magical force: there was a room for rent two doors down from Jovan in a house that had a little boy around Quan's age. I was so excited to be so close to him and he was also excited to have me close! It felt like a dream come true! Indeed, it was, for the first few weeks. We saw each other a lot, we played with my son together, we fell more and more in love. Around that time, I sensed intuitively that we were meant to have a child together...I didn't understand why at the time, but I knew the child was wishing to be conceived right then. It felt much too soon on a logical level, but on a deeper, soul level it was the perfect time. So Jovan and I created her with our love, with our amazing connection, with our braided souls. I didn't even need to wait to take a pregnancy test before knowing that we had conceived her...I sensed very deeply that this was so and the morning sickness and exhaustion started almost immediately, so there was no denying it. Her presence within me was very intense, to say the least, she created an urgent need for change. Case in point, soon after finding out for sure that I was pregnant, Jovan has a change of heart...he decides he's not yet ready to be a father. I was livid, to put it mildly. I felt deceived, humiliated, like the rug had been pulled out from under me. I knew that the decision was right, so how could this be?? Why weren't we on the same page? He wanted me to get an abortion, I considered this deeply but soon knew that didn't feel right at all. She wanted to live, I sensed this decision was a call to me to fully embrace her in my heart, in my life. Up until that point, I enjoyed the idea of her but I really wasn't allowing her to fully be apart of my life. This was the catalyst needed to fully embrace her, a gradual process that wasn't complete until the day she was born. Jovan and I went our separate ways a few months after that...I decided to move in with my parents.
Living with my parents was very, very healing and very much needed. I hadn't had much of a relationship with them in years mostly because of the spiritual path I was on (I needed space to do healing work). My mom offered me a place to live and I intuitively knew it was the best move to make. Quan and I and the little one growing inside me moved into their house at the end of September. Chris and I had become friends over the summer, mainly because of the opening that was created from everything I'd been through, so he moved in as well to be near his son. I'm not going to go into all the layers that was healed for that is another long story by itself, but I will say that it pushed me very strongly to face and heal my roots: to heal the part of myself that has felt like she doesn't belong in this world, that has felt worthless and unloved, rejected, for as long as I can remember. And that's exactly what I did while I was there. At the end of December, it was time to move on once again. I knew, intuitively, that what I had been called to be there for was completed and the next phase of growth/life had been opened up to me. I sensed that we were meant to live in Santa Cruz (we as in me, Chris, Quan and the soon-to-be baby) I just didn't know how we'd pull it off since it's generally pretty expensive to live there. Chris and I knew we were ready to take on living together again because we both had done so much healing work in the last year and a half and we both very much want to be there for our son as much as possible. Lo and behold, my parents own a mobile home 3 blocks from the ocean in Santa Cruz!! It's very cheap and also very small, but it's big enough for us so we took it! My mom was very considerate and came out here to help fix it up for us before we moved in. We moved in and got settled about a month and a half before my due date. Being so large, I'm amazed I was able to make this move so easily...shows how right it was, I think. It's also been very easy acclimating myself to this house and this area...a lot of that has to do with the fact that I lived in Santa Cruz for about 7 years when I was a teenager and in my early 20's so I'm already very familiar to its energy. Quantum and Chris have been enjoying it immensely as well.
So the last month and a half has been spent healing the last bit of pain that has been keeping me from feeling totally open to the Source/God/universe, however you want to label it. To me, it means fully letting go into the flow, allowing myself to be both the driver and the passenger as I make my way down my path. It can be effortless, it's meant to be effortless and joyful, when it doesn't feel this way I am very well aware that this means there are energetic blockages. I realized I was experiencing blockages when it comes to my relationships both with my mother and with Jovan. My mother is a gentle, loving soul, she truly means the best for people and loves helping others in different ways, but she has a tendency of coming across as overbearing and callous in the way she communicates and projects her energy. Being such a sensitive soul and also being pregnant, I struggled these last few months with both wanting to be close to her and embrace who she is, but also being aware that I need space from her and I'm not sure how to go about handling her energy. This awareness helped open me up to letting go of my resistance to her, which, I realized, has allowed me to forgive her and move on from the past. I still don't know what role we play in each other's lives, but I am open to exploring that in a much healthier way than before. When it comes to Jovan, he very much would like to be there for his daughter as much as possible, and since we'd been reconnecting through e-mail and phone for a little while, I've been open to exploring how we can make that work. We're not living close to each other right now, so I was trying to figure out how to go about having him living in this tiny house. This was opening Pandora's Box filled with resentments and anger from the past, which was ultimately a good thing because it gave those things a voice. I still don't know what the future holds with Jovan and I, but I can tell it's all going in a positive direction.
About a month before my due date, I start experiencing braxton hicks (practice) contractions almost every day. This gets my hopes up way too soon, but I didn't know this at the time. However, the hope I was holding onto started dissolving as I realized I wasn't being present. Forcing me to fully let go and allow the timing to be however it wants to be, this bled into the rest of my life as well. My relationship with my son has grown stronger as I let go more and more of trying to be the "perfect" mother, just being there, moment to moment, present with him and his needs is all that's required. My relationship with Chris, too, I feel has matured and deepened, as we understand each other better and better through interacting in our every day lives. We are not together in a romantic sense, but we do feel genuine love for one another that has the essence of family inside of it. So the days pass by, the contractions get stronger and more frequent, my belly gets larger, it gets more and more uncomfortable to walk, I wonder if there could actually be two in there because of my size. I also had been experiencing a lot of twin synchronicities this pregnancy, so it really made me wonder. The ultrasound I got at 20 weeks showed just one baby, though, so I didn't know what to make of things. Again, I realized it's best to just let it be, ride the waves, so to speak, because since my intuition is so strong I knew the birth would go very well.
Almost a week after my due date, I start experiencing more intense contractions that I needed to breathe through. These started as soon as I got comfortable for the night, enjoying a show on Netflix, about 9pm Sunday evening (March 6th). I use a contractions timer online even though it wasn't really needed but I could sense that this was the real thing. I go to the bathroom, notice a little bit of blood on the toilet paper and then I took a shower, having to stop and breathe through the contractions about every 4 or 5 minutes. It's now about 10:30, I'm getting pretty tired because that's when I normally go to bed, but I know that I need to prepare for the birth instead. I originally thought about laboring & birthing in the bathtub, but that night I *knew* that creating a little nest at the foot of my bed is what resonated the most. I laid some towels and chux pads on the floor, gathered some supplies and kneeled on the floor with my face resting on top of a few pillows. Not much happened at first, I got tired of being in that position and I also was starting to doubt if this was truly the real thing or if I had just gotten my hopes up again. So I laid down in bed and tried to go to sleep. That didn't last long, though, because now they were coming close together again and they were definitely picking up in intensity. I wasn't riding the waves as well as I did with my son's birth, though. For some reason when I'd start to feel one coming on, I was tensing up some and breathing a bit too shallowly. Tuning into this resistance, I realized there were some fears still left to work through. I started really remembering how intense it was at the end of my son's birth...him moving down the birth canal was outrageously intense and not a in a good way. I felt like I was being split in half and I had no control over any of it. I could only submit myself to the process, not knowing if I'd still be in one piece when all was said and done. So remembering this was making me tense up a bit and also the awareness that I wasn't sure if there were two in there or not made me doubt my ability to birth two babies one right after the other. During this time, though, a few songs by Sting ("Fragile" and "Shape of my Heart") kept playing in my head and I sensed that these were messages that all would be well, just go with the flow. Case in point, I wondered if it was "safe" to get up and go to the bathroom. Safe, as in, would I be able to handle the contractions if I got up and moved around. I listened to myself, though, and went to the toilet. I'm glad I did because I had a big bowel movement and a lot of urine. After that, I knew it was best to kneel down again at the foot of the bed. It was now close to 1 am, I was amazed at how much time had passed, I thought it couldn't have been later than midnight.
I moved back and forth between kneeling over the bed and sitting with my back against the wall and my legs out. I consciously breathed through the waves as best I could, but the peak of each one left me wanting it all to be over with as soon as possible. I wished I could experience them as pleasurable as someone women do, but they were just plain old boring contractions, nothing out of the ordinary, but I suppose my overall peace with them was extraordinary. I knew they were normal, natural and nothing to be feared. I did still fear somewhat the actual birth, though, and I began to wonder if I'd be able to get through it okay. Suddenly, birth stories that brought up fears of "what ifs?" started popping in my head, like, "What if the baby gets stuck? How will I manage that?" or "What if it takes too much effort to push her out and I completely fail? What then?" I was, after all, alone. Chris and Quan were sleeping in the other room and I wasn't making enough noise to be noticeable. These fears popped up because up to that point in the birthing process, I could still pick up the phone and call an ambulance if I needed to. But when there's a head in your birth canal or the baby is stuck and you're having contractions right on top of the other, this makes it ever-so-slightly difficult to do anything rational. I knew there was no going back, though, so I just had to trust the flow, that's truly all there was to it. I wondered if there were spirits by my side, like angels or guides. Sure enough, just like my son's birth, they were there, I sensed this deeply, and I made sure by asking a question. "Am I progressing?" "Yes" came the firm, loud reply in my energy field. I felt guided and supported. On top of that, my hips started swaying in a motion that wasn't done consciously by my mind. When I was kneeling over my bed, my hips started moving in a figure 8 or infinity pattern, much like belly dancing. When I realized this, my trust in the process deepened immensely. I knew this was my body's way of helping the baby along and my body was responding intuitively to it with no help on "my" part. The words "dolphin energy" popped in my head and I felt the presence of dolphins for a moment, raising my vibrational energy, basically helping me feel joyful and at one with the process. The more the birth unfolded, the more my fears and feeling separate dissolved, the breaking point or climax of my spiritual path thus far. I sat down at one point and felt warm liquid gently flowing out of me, a nice sensation that made me smile. I don't remember my water breaking when I was in labor with Quan, so it was nice to be able to enjoy it this time. I also was aware that this meant things would probably be getting more intense. I was right...it wouldn't be long now. A part of me still wondered, though, if I had a ways to go because I still wasn't able to trust myself 100%. I asked the guides how much longer it would be and they said, "Won't be long now," just as I had expected. My hips were now turning all the way to the left when I kneeled over the bed. I had to grip onto the comforter as I rode the harsh waves...it felt like if I didn't they would be too unbearable. I also discovered the carnelian gemstone nearby that my dear friend and kindred spirit, Alicia, gave to me in honor of the birth. What appropriate timing. I held onto the gemstone in the final moments of the birth, knowing its powerful energy was helping to raise my vibration and build more confidence in myself that I could actually do this again. I sensed that I was now supposed to turn my hips all the way to the right, I sat back down, supporting my upper body with my left arm, my legs splayed out to my right. I felt a gentle pause, which I thought was a little odd given the intensity of it all. The pause invited even more of a feeling of oneness, the gentle energy coursing up my spine, opening up my heart even more. It was beautiful, I could have stayed in that pause forever. Alas, it was over much too soon and, once again, the contractions over took me. They now ended with the urge to bear down, which is not the best feeling in the world but I knew this must mean the end was near. Still, some part of me wondered if my fate was going to be hellish, stuck in the grips of having a baby in my birth canal that wouldn't come out or anything else that would make me wish I would just die. I didn't have much time to wonder, though, because the next few contractions rode me rather than the other way around. My body beared down at the end of each one with more intensity and strength each time. Consequently, I yelled and groaned loudly, making me wonder if I was going to wake Chris and Quan up and if the neighbors were listening. Again, I didn't have time to care because the moment was upon me...the ring of fire. Her head moved through the opening to my birth canal, my body thrusting her out with such force, nothing compares to this force. I yelled in pain while feeling around down there, seeing if I could feel her head. Nope, not yet, which discouraged me but my body didn't care. A few more times, my body beared down with each contraction and I felt her head fill me up. Now I could feel the top of her head with my hand, so I helped things along with the next contraction, wanting her out so badly. I pushed some on my own, my body doing most of the work, her head came out, searing the skin around it, making me wonder if I was tearing or not. I looked down at her head in amazement, her shoulder and waist soon followed with more burning intensity. She started crying, I thought this meant she was totally out, but, no, there was still the lower body to be birthed, which it did a moment later. It's such an amazing feeling when the rest of the body comes out, it's the greatest sense of relief and accomplishment, I doubt anything else compares. I looked down at this large baby crying on the chux pad and picked her up in one quick movement. She was covered in my blood and mucus, and her skin was already red as well. Such strong lungs, I thought, and was intrigued by how natural holding her and seeing her felt. It wasn't like how it usually goes where the mother is going, "Ohhhhh, my baby" and crying or smiling in joy. It was very peaceful, very matter-of-fact, like "Here she is, my daughter," no fan-fare, just simple, every day life. In that every day life, though, there is an indescribable joy that I was in the midst of...the kind of joy that cannot be diminished, it just simply is. She started nursing right away and it came very naturally to her. We didn't have to work at the latch or anything. Amazing yet matter-of-fact. Extraordinary yet ordinary. I felt my belly for a moment to make sure she was the only one coming out...I already knew she was but wanted to make sure. I estimate her to be about 10 pounds, give or take half a pound. A big girl, yes, but her birth felt quite a bit easier than my son's birth, which he was only 8 pounds at the time. A different space, a different time, a different way of being. We are now having a lotus birth in which the umbilical cord is left intact to dry up and fall off on its own. I intuitively knew this is what she wanted because of the mind/body/spirit aspect of the process. So I carry the placenta around with her, which is only to the bathroom so far (it's now Tuesday). Oh and she was born at 2:18 am on March 7th. Thank you for reading my story
so excited for you!!!
welcome violeta... looking forward to seeing those fat rolls and reading your beautiful story!
yay!!! congrats mama!
awesome!!! congrats, mama. you deserve it!
Oh I really, really loved reading your birth story! My favorite I've read this whole pregnancy/postpartum period by far. Many things are quite similar to the way I gave birth to my son this time around. How it was very mater of fact, where we chose to labor (at the foot of the bed), how you described so many parts of laboring... many congratulations again mama!
mom of three with on the way