UPDATE!!! Need some comfort/guidance please... - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 22 Old 07-30-2010, 07:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So, I found out I was pregnant w/#2 on 7/11 - the day I should have started my period.

I told DH on the 12th...and it didn't go well at all. He was doing his best to be "sweet and comforting" while saying what he said to me. He told me he thought I should terminate. Our lives would be ruined as would DS's - that's what he says, not me!

It has been the HARDEST 2.5 weeks of my LIFE! We have a few great days where I start to think maybe he's changed his mind, then he says it all over again. That's been 3 times now. I can not have an abortion...it goes against everything in my soul. I want this baby with all of my heart - life is hard regardless of whether you have children or not, so his argument sucks in my opinion.

He thinks that I should terminate - and that counseling will fix everything that I would go through emotionally. He tells me about a few friends that have had abortion(s) and that they went on to have more children just fine. One of my fears is that if I *were* to terminate, that I'd never be able to have children again - it can happen. Not to mention the fact I'll be 35 this year...it's not going to get any easier for me.

My biggest fear is that this marriage is over regardless of what happens. Just knowing that he's asked me to do that, makes me sick to my stomach. I can't look at him, haven't said I love you him, I don't want him to touch me. He obviously thinks this pregnancy will ruin our lives, so it's not going to be easy living with him.

There's so much more to this story, some if it doesn't really matter, but I really need some sort of comfort. We haven't told anyone yet so it's just bottling up inside of me. The morning sickness isn't helping either.

If anyone has gone thru this or is going thru it - a completely nonsupport partner, please post!
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#2 of 22 Old 07-30-2010, 08:13 PM
 
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Oh fringe! I saw your post in New Posts ... I don't belong here, sorry mamas ... but I couldn't pass it up.

I am so so sorry. I don't want to say my exact experience in public, but I will say do not have an abortion if your heart is telling you not to. Counseling will not "fix" it afterward. It will never be "fixed".

If your husband thinks counseling will fix it, please ask him to go to counseling now instead of later. If he thinks that's the solution, go to a counselor and have him explain this great idea that's fixable later. Then tell your side. Maybe the counselor can make him understand exactly what he's asking you to do.

Me , DH , Emmy (5/08), and new baby Tilda (1/10)
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#3 of 22 Old 07-30-2010, 08:45 PM
 
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I wish I had dome wise words. I literally don't know what to say. I know that you said that there's more to this story...which makes sense because your husband's reaction is inconceivable to me at this point.

All I can say is that you obviously know what you feel and you need to follow that. This issue between you and your partner is what needs to be figured out. I agree with PP....I think maybe HE needs to talk to somebody to get his feeligs straightened out.

Oh mama I wish I could make this better for you.

---Jessica---Livin' my life from A Peace.gif(1/05 ) to Z  jammin.gif(4/08 ).....and z babyf.gif(3/11)

 

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#4 of 22 Old 07-30-2010, 10:15 PM
 
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Big hugs from me! I'm definitely praying for you. Reproductive rights swing BOTH ways - you shouldn't let anyone dictate what you do with your body!

In my experience - my not-so-dear-BF (ex now) decided I would get an abortion when I came up pregnant, ordered me not to tell anyone and started making arrangements. I was terrified so I did the only thing I could think of, and told EVERYONE I was pregnant. I even told my super-Catholic, super-judgemental best friend, knowing she'd store me in her basement if she had to to keep him from making me have an abortion.

He'd have never physically forced me to do it, but he probably would have worn me down, verbally and emotionally, till I gave in. Telling people protected me. I even told HIS mother and he was forced to back down.

I don't know if that'll work for you, but even telling one friend might give you the support and strength you need to protect your baby!

Mama to DS T (10/11/2004) and DD M (09/03/09) and cookin' up baby #3 due late March/early April 2010!
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#5 of 22 Old 07-31-2010, 12:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks so much for replying ladies. I do feel better.

It's just getting more and more confusing everyday with him. Even 1 hour after I posted, he starts asking me how much of DS' clothes I've gotten rid of so far, and that if it's a boy then at least we have clothes. And I cloth diaper so diapering is never going to be an issue. I am bound and determined to breastfeed this time around, so we won't have a formula cost (had insane supply issues last time and again, he was not supportive!) And I will make/store baby food instead of buying it.

That is his other problem - that we can't afford it. I try to explain to him that even if we were wealthy, that all it takes is one accident and we could be stone cold broke. It's not like we are poverty level, but the stress level of neither one of us really bringing in a decent income is what worries him. I'm not too proud to apply for the insurance we can afford that the state provides, but I think he is. He seems to forget that we, too, have paid taxes into our system for these services (me for 20 years!!!)

Anyway - I really appreciate the time you all took to post. It really is helpful to me. Sometimes an eHug really makes a difference!
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#6 of 22 Old 07-31-2010, 09:47 AM
 
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Sorry you are going through this! It sounds like if you can get any kind of counseling for both of you it might help you both figure out how to deal with this.

good luck!

Jcregan, Mom to DD 4yo. DS born 3/10/2011.winner.jpg  waterbirth.jpg   and trying cd.gif  for the first time.
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#7 of 22 Old 07-31-2010, 10:56 AM
 
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Hi Fringe.... I've been there. That baby was my now 9 year old DD. Her dad and I split up when she was 2 1/2 and it was the right thing in our situation.

The sad part is that her dad is still resentful and at the same time has made a huge thing about "his rights".... I always thought it was an interesting contradiction.

Anyway... I knew at the time I had to follow my heart and be really honest with myself. I tried to take good care of myself and take responsibility for what happened. I would never trade my DD for anything in the world.

Mama to DD-9, DSS-11, happily married and living with 1dog, 1 cat, 7 chickens, and 2 ducks....expecting 03/11
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#8 of 22 Old 07-31-2010, 06:14 PM
 
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I have not had anything like this happen, but I do want to offer you my support. If you want this baby, you should not let anyone talk you into terminating. We are in debt over our heads right now, and we chose to have this baby because we feel it's now or never and we want another child. Things could turn around for us financially any time, and certainly within 5 years of working on our debt. We were not willing to wait 5 more years just so we were more financially stable. For us, it would be too late for us to have a 2nd child by then.

Anyway- there is no perfect time to have a baby, and where you are now does not dictate where you will be in the future. Hugs.

aka ~lioneyes~ :: In love with DH :: DD 5 :: new sweet baby girl 3/14/2011~ both born at home in water
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#9 of 22 Old 07-31-2010, 11:43 PM
 
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Originally Posted by forest~mama View Post

Anyway- there is no perfect time to have a baby, and where you are now does not dictate where you will be in the future. Hugs.


I am so sorry you're in this spot. I think PP's have it right on, if you want this baby, if you feel any connection you will not feel better with counseling. Whether you decide to stay with this man or not, counseling would be helpful I think. If you wind up staying together, you know you'll have a hard time because of his reaction and counseling can help that. If you decide to split, counseling will help you get ready for being a single mom of two and interacting with an unsupportive and difficult ex.

Universities often have free to low cost counseling programs for the community. Grad students need supervised hours before they can get their license, but they've had all their training and they ARE being supervised. If you're not comfortable with that, there are plenty of agencies and private counselors who will help you. Plus, there are always church counselors, and their nearly always free.

I really, really hope you find some peace soon. Pregnancy is hard enough without extra drama, though I'm not sure a drama-free pregnancy has ever actually existed.


Sarah. Married to my Mirus, raising my DD1 (Aug. '09) and my DD2 (March '11) and waiting for my newest (April '14)!
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#10 of 22 Old 08-01-2010, 01:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Anyway- there is no perfect time to have a baby, and where you are now does not dictate where you will be in the future. Hugs.
That is so incredibly true and exactly what I try to explain to him.

Every day just gets more and more confusing. We had a pretty darn good day yesterday. He even brought up naming the baby to DS (who's almost 3 and isn't really understanding another baby yet.) It was almost as if he has come to terms with it and is accepting it now. But, in the past 2.5 weeks, kinda been there done that, just to have my heart shredded again.

I really appreciate all of your responses. I KNOW we must go to counseling regardless to deal with everything. I had a terrible experience with counseling before so I'm nervous, but I know it's a must. (It's was hard going to a military chaplin when my XDH was the marine. My thoughts/feelings/emotions were completely disregarded. He was the only one that mattered in the relationship. Left me with a bad taste for counseling!)

Anyway - like I said, you ladies are really helping me be stronger about this. Confirming that I need to stick to my guns. I really really THANK YOU ALL!
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#11 of 22 Old 08-01-2010, 02:18 PM
 
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DDCC to add that is also good to remember that their are two folks going to be parents again, and he may be going thrru some very real scary times for him. He may feel a huge responsibility to care and provide for this new child and feel helpless to do that. Maybe he is reacting bad, but he also may not know another way of doing things.
You married him for a reason, if that reason is still there somewhere then work on helping him thru this stressful time. They deal with things very different that most ladies do and their bonding with new life often comes much later when they finally get to see hear or hold them.
They really are at a disadvantage, and despite how they react on one level they deserve compassion for their process just as we do.

partners.gif 2twins.gif  So what if I don't fit cleanly into a defined parenting style, my kids don't fit into a personality archetype either!

 
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#12 of 22 Old 08-01-2010, 03:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Adorkable - you are absolutely right. And that, I think is part of what pains me. I DO love him, and I knew that I would love him forever the day I met him. I know we have something special, and I don't want it to be over. I've always tried to be compassionate with him about how he deals with his emotions (like when he is upset with his father, he ALWAYS takes it out on me, I do my best to let it go and remind him that I don't deserve that particular anger.) He has just really made this feel like it's ALL my *fault.* I guess I was off on my o-time, I can usually really tell easily.

It's just really hurtful when he tells me to terminate, when for the last 14 years I thought I was pretty clear that I'd never voluntarily have an abortion (unless for definite medical reasons only.)

I keep wanting to go on an on, but it's just reminding me that I really need the counseling for myself. I think a lot of guilt has been placed on me in the past 4 years, and it needs to go away.
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#13 of 22 Old 08-01-2010, 05:32 PM
 
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Originally Posted by SilverLace View Post
The sad part is that her dad is still resentful and at the same time has made a huge thing about "his rights".... I always thought it was an interesting contradiction.


This is what I've been going through the last month and a half. My boyfriend wanted me to get an abortion a few weeks after he found out about the pregnancy. I actually took the time to listen and really feel it all out and see what resonated. In the end, I knew that keeping the baby felt right on many levels. After telling him this, he's now determined to be a good father and is very attached to the baby already. It's kind of eerie. On top of that, he doesn't want any extra support from others except for maybe my mother coming out and helping the first week or two after the baby is born. He doesn't understand the level of emotional and physical demands that are placed on parents while taking care of a newborn...plus, I have a 3 and a half year old from a previous relationship and he's not used to caring for him for extended periods of time, either. The whole point about me getting an abortion was because he wasn't emotionally ready to be a father. So, I don't get it, it truly makes no sense, other than he's trying to be controlling. It looks like we're going our separate ways, which is sad but it's the way things need to be, it seems.

I'm not sure if my story has helped at all...I just wanted you to know that someone else has been there who has read your post and I understand the pain and confusion you're going through right now. Guilt makes things so much harder...if you're able to seek counseling then I'm sure that'll give you the space needed to see things a little more clearly. Being stuck in your own head trying to figure things out can be very draining and confusing Reading your other responses on this thread it sounds like there's some deeper issues going on...the plea for an abortion is just a reflection of that. That's just what I noticed, anyway...
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#14 of 22 Old 08-02-2010, 10:59 AM
 
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I'm so sorry to read this! I know it must be horribly stressful -- the up and down and how your partner has really changed/diminished in your eyes.

I think he's right about counseling, maybe - but not for the reasons he's stated! Maybe if you both went a time or two to see a counselor, that person could help him talk through his fears and help you express your intentions to keep the pregnancy going. Essentially he is coming from a place of fear -- and there is always the consideration that the news shocked him and he made suggestions that he might not have ordinarily made if he hadn't been so surprised -- and that he is in the process of getting his head around things right now.

Oh! and 35 is NOT old to have a baby!

As for not having money -- if only wealthy people had children we'd have a pretty sparse population. And the joy of having another child is not something can you put a value on -- it's beyond anything you can calculate. I can tell you that my family was pretty poor when I was a kid and we had a lovely childhood. I didn't know until I was much older that we were poor because we never went without -- my parents were super resourceful people and managed to make do with 2nd hand everything, really. What we lacked in material things was more than made up for by having a loving and engaged family.

Ok -- hope that things today are brighter than when you posted this and maybe he is coming around. Will be thinking of you -- please keep us posted on your situation.

Joy, mama to Aquaboy (10), Goldilocks (8), Squidge (4)
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#15 of 22 Old 08-02-2010, 05:15 PM
 
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I don't have anything more to add to what the PPs have said. I just wanted to send you some hugs and the knowledge that there is another person out there supporting you.

I don't have the exact situation you are in, but a similar one, so I can definitely understand your feelings on this.

Aleyna - Mom to 6 yo DS1 wild.gifRascal and DS2 Tiny born 03/24/11
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#16 of 22 Old 08-02-2010, 05:27 PM
 
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Also voicing my support. How heartbreaking. I hope that this hurt can be healed.

Helena, living in Oregon with my darling husband and our amazing little boy, born March, 2011. joy.gif
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#17 of 22 Old 08-02-2010, 09:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all for the support. I hope you know how helpful it really is!

One of his friends just poured salt into his wound a bit ago. She emailed him, and I paraphrase, "I don't want to cause any discontent in your marriage, but we're pregnant again!" I am friends with her, but have been distancing myself since she basically insulted me when my son wasn't speaking as soon as she thought he should be (said she thought he was slow and I didn't let him do enough to stimulate him. Funny how I potty trained him by 2 and he knew his ABC's shortly after as well - ha ha!)

It just irritated me, reminding me about the financial issue. They are losing their house, don't own a car for more than a year it seems(they keep trading them in), yet they are having a second child! But we, pay our bills on time, don't have car payments and it's a problem for US to have a second child?!?!

Anyway, to update on us, we seem to be doing well still. But after that email, I'm waiting for his next freak out and trying to figure out how to deal with it. I'm really trying to get myself back into a groove to keep this house beautiful so he doesn't have anything to piss him off. Now that I've discovered Unisom and B6 for morning sickness, I think I can start to manage it. I am also hoping to go to my Dr.'s clinic on Thursday to confirm the pregnancy so I can send in the insurance info.

Please keep sending positive thoughts, I do believe that they help!
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#18 of 22 Old 08-02-2010, 09:52 PM
 
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My heart goes out to you. Hope he finds his way.

Mama Lea, grateful wife to and mom to Big Boy 10/04/06 and my little Sunshine boy 10/06/08 and surprise joining the bed sometime in March 2011
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#19 of 22 Old 08-05-2010, 07:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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UPDATE!

I really hope I'm not jinxing this.

I think maybe my husband has let go of his anger and fear and has begun to accept this child. Today I went to the health center to confirm for insurance, and I called him on my way home. He started talking about how he hoped that the baby would be born on 3/18 so that way it would be easier to remember his kids birthdays! (DS1 is 10/18) That right there made me feel about 75% better about everything. It also help that I was able to see my regular OBGYN at the center as I left, and he told me "with insurance, without insurance, with money or without money, you can always come to me." Made me feel better about the financial issue as well. I love that man!

I'm still only 75% better about this because I know how he is and he usually gets a little passive aggressive about things, so I'm sure the stress with peak again.

I thank each and every one of you who have posted and read my little story. It gave me an outlet to talk, and also kept me from being hurtful to my husband when I knew deep down inside he was just speaking out of fear.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
<3
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#20 of 22 Old 06-02-2011, 01:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Just wanted to come back and post about what happened...

 

I held my ground and I'm SOOOO incredibly glad I did.  My husband backed off, he didn't really become supportive, but he wasn't combative either.

 

We added another beautiful boy to our family on March 12.  I had a quick natural labor and birth (4.5 hours start to finish) and everything is going wonderful.  My husband tells our new little one that he loves him, and is so sweet to me now - it's unreal!  Like a whole new man has entered my life.  I think we still have some more stuff to work on - considering we haven't been intimate in about 6-7 months now - but I'm gonna get my "sexy" back and rock his world!  :P

 

So thank you all again for helping me work through such a difficult time in my life.  I truly appreciate it!  xoxo

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#21 of 22 Old 06-03-2011, 09:25 AM
 
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I just read this thread for the first time, but I am so happy for you. My Dh and I have struggled with his acceptance of a new pregnancy, but it usually resolves by the time of birth. It makes the pregnancy so much harder, and lonely. But, through all our struggles, persevering in our marriage has made us so much closer. He has finally come to a point in faith that has helped him deal with the stress he feels with being sole income for our large family, even when new additions arrive. Just want to encourage you with hope for the future. Congratulations!!


Mom to eight!!  Our twin girls arrived 3-3-2011.

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#22 of 22 Old 06-06-2011, 04:31 PM
 
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Congratulations!  Glad things are happier in your home.  ;)


First child born March 2011.  Constantly in awe!
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