When are you going to tell? - Mothering Forums
April 2011 > When are you going to tell?
Taryn237's Avatar Taryn237 10:07 AM 08-10-2010
I want to tell NOW. DH is like "We can't tell people you're '4 weeks' nobody does that." I have a friend who posted a photo of the + test immediately on facebook so people do but since DH hates FB I couldn't use that as my reasoning. lol. Going for bloodwork today because I had low progesterone with the last two and may need to take prometrium again. SO once I get the BIG + from the bloodwork I'll really want to tell. DH said 8 weeks. But that's still 4 weeks away I'm not a very patient person. I was already looking at baby clothes online yesterday...

Sihaya's Avatar Sihaya 10:55 AM 08-10-2010
We told at 6 weeks with my 2nd pg, and I only waited those extra 2 weeks because we wanted to fudge the due date and I didn't want anyone to figure it out. After 2 m/cs though, I prefer to keep it a secret for as long as possible.

So this time the plan is to tell family around 14 weeks. We have an ultrasound at 8 weeks and an appointment to listen with the doppler at 12, so if both those go well and I make it past the first trimester, we'll let DH's parents, my dad, our siblings, and possibly our grandparents all know (my mom and sister already know out of necessity).

Then I'm planning to wait until 20-21 weeks to make it completely public at church and on Facebook and all that. If I start showing too much that might not be possible, but I'm going to wait as long as I can this time.
MarineWife's Avatar MarineWife 11:16 AM 08-10-2010
At this point, I'm actually waiting until I'm 6w and see a heartbeat before even telling my dh. I've had 6 early losses so I'm very gunshuy about telling anyone right away. My dh has hard time believing I was really pg when I have a 4-5w loss so I prefer not to tell him too soon. I told everyone very early once and then had to go back and tell everyone to nevermind. When I got pg last May I thought I was safe once I got past 6w since all my previous miscarriages had occurred before then so I began to tell. I miscarried at 11w and, again, had to go back and tell people I wasn't going to have a baby after all. That was horrible. So if I make it far enough, I will tell everyone else in my family once I get out of the first trimester.
allical1284's Avatar allical1284 11:29 AM 08-10-2010
This is such a tough one for me...
We waited until about 11 weeks (heard heartbeat with doppler) to tell anyone with DD and even then I was very hesitant. With this one, I have told a few of my close mom-friends (mainly because I am starting to gather info on local HB midwives), and I think we are going to wait until we hopefully see/hear a heartbeat at my first appt. at 7 weeks to make the big announcement. I was adamant about not getting an early ultrasound with this pregnancy, but honestly, I need it for my own peace of mind.
MarineWife's Avatar MarineWife 11:44 AM 08-10-2010
Originally Posted by allical1284 View Post
I was adamant about not getting an early ultrasound with this pregnancy, but honestly, I need it for my own peace of mind.
That's how I was with my pg in May 2009. I was adamant about not only not getting an early u/s but also not taking all the other crap I had taken in the past when pg to sustain it. I really wanted a normal, natural, unmedicated pg. I miscarried at 11w. Since I didn't get an early u/s I don't know if my baby ever had a heartbeat. I did get an u/s about a week before I miscarried because I just knew something was wrong. From measurements, the doc said it looked like the baby stopped developing at about 8w but there's no way to know for sure. So I need an early u/s this time for peace of mind. Although, I'm not even sure if seeing a heartbeat at 6-7w will ease my mind since I don't know if my last May baby had a heartbeat before dying. Ugh!
stretch358's Avatar stretch358 12:29 PM 08-10-2010
I'm getting an early u/s tomorrow at 5w2d and then we will tell our immediate family. I will probably tell everyone else at 8w.
tabrizia's Avatar tabrizia 12:52 PM 08-10-2010
I told wit my first two within 12 hours of getting a positive.

With this one I am at 7 weeks and no one knows. We are waiting at least till after my brother's wedding on the 21st, but possibly until the second trimester in September. It hasn't been too bad not telling yet, though I do have to be careful when talking to my Mom so I don't tell her.
Stayseeliz's Avatar Stayseeliz 01:12 PM 08-10-2010
We'll wait until we see the heartbeat at 7/8 weeks. We'll tell immediate family then. One good friend already knows and I'll tell my sister but our parents are going to freak so I'm going to try and avoid that for awhile. I can't wait until too long because I'd lost a lot of weight but I get super poochy really fast so it's pretty obvious.
gagin37's Avatar gagin37 02:34 PM 08-10-2010
I am DYING to tell my mom. dh wants me to wait though, so reluctantly, i haven't told anyone except my online friends that knew we've been TTC. I want to go ahead and try to get an appointment set up with a midwife here, but he wants me to wait on that too. We don't have a history of early losses, but I guess it's better to be a little cautious.
MarineWife's Avatar MarineWife 02:49 PM 08-10-2010
Originally Posted by gagin37 View Post
We don't have a history of early losses, but I guess it's better to be a little cautious.
I think most practitioners wait until you are at least 9 weeks for the first appointment unless you have a history of losses.
jenniferadurham's Avatar jenniferadurham 02:49 PM 08-10-2010
we just told our immediate family this past weekend. i am 5 weeks. I told DH I couldnt wait until 8 weeks like we said(mc in march)...so we didnt I dont hold secrets like that very well
rcr's Avatar rcr 03:55 PM 08-10-2010
I told my aunt, good friend (who was there when I got my BFP), and my mom (who has Alzheimers so she doesn't remember, so I tell her every day and it makes her really happy). Everybody else we are waiting. DH will probably tell his parents in the next month or so, and other friends and work won't know until I start to show, since getting pregnant is frowned upon where I work.
Taryn237's Avatar Taryn237 05:44 PM 08-10-2010
Well I couldn't hold it in. Told 2 friends this morning. Now atleast I have someone IRL to complain to when I start feeling sick. Planning on making the big announcement around 8 weeks.
lightheartedmom's Avatar lightheartedmom 06:12 PM 08-10-2010
Oh man...always the question...when to tell...
I think aside from one or two VERY close friends (oh, and the whole internet via MDC), we'll keep this under wraps until the 1st trimester is over. We did that with our first two, but when I got pg in January, I wanted to tell my mom and more people sooner...so I told them around 6 or 7 weeks and seriously regretted it when I miscarried at 12. Especially when I went to my sisters' wedding two months ago and realized my mom told a LOT of other people that I hadn't given her permission to tell...so I had to be reminded about my mc by them too.
So yeah...I think we'll take the more private approach this time around. Even though it's HARD not to call up a few friends RIGHT THIS SECOND just because the "need to process! Now!" urge is very strong. :-)
CookAMH's Avatar CookAMH 06:35 PM 08-10-2010
We told our parents this weekend and will probably tell siblings this week. It's earlier than I'd like to tell siblings (5w) but I just can't see my MIL keeping from going insane if DH's sisters won't know yet (they all live in same town). I figured, if we do m/c, these are the folks that would know about that.

So, for the rest, and for our church where my husband is pastor, I will wait until we hear a heartbeat, so between 10-12 weeks unless I cannot hide it.
TinyFrog's Avatar TinyFrog 07:01 PM 08-10-2010
I told one friend Saturday night because she caught me off guard and I'm a terrible liar. I don't see her often though (it had been over two years). Other friends we'll probably wait until 2nd Trimester. We aren't close to any family so they might find out around Christmas? I don't know, maybe I'll feel obligated to tell them sooner. I'll wait it out and see how we feel later.
Julieee's Avatar Julieee 08:04 PM 08-10-2010
cat's out of the bag for my husband and I. We're young, and maybe stupid.... but hopefully we won't have made a mistake telling anyone! I only told close friends and family when we first found out (at 3.5 weeks).
StarCat's Avatar StarCat 08:37 PM 08-10-2010
I am a horrible secret keeper, too! I told everyone I work with (I'm a labor nurse- its hard to keep stuff like that when you deal with pregnant women and babies all day!) and I told a few close friends. I also told the lady at the daycare, and someone at the gym. UGH! I'm bad at this! and then my dad called last night. I don't talk to him much so I told him. yeah...really bad at this!! DH wants to wait to tell his family, except I am really close to his sister and so well, she knows. But the rest of his family doesn't. Which is wierd because his mom was the 1st person we told with the other 2. He says he wants to wait until the u/s.... SEPTEMBER 27!!!!! 12 weeks, yeah, I'll never make it. So maybe at 8 weeks? The exciting part will be to tell the girls that they will be big sisters. Can't wait to tell them. Not sure when we will do that.
donutmolly's Avatar donutmolly 08:56 PM 08-10-2010
I've told one close friend IRL. The rest will wait until I start to show. My family is never very thrilled (who knows why...) and DH's family is always over the moon, but we feel like it's unfair to tell one family before the other. It'll probably be around 16 weeks, after I've seen the mw and heard a heartbeat. I have another friend who is going through infertility, so I'm praying that she gets pg before I have to announce!
Taryn237's Avatar Taryn237 11:49 AM 08-11-2010
Originally Posted by donutmolly View Post
I have another friend who is going through infertility, so I'm praying that she gets pg before I have to announce!
Me too. That is so hard. And I know how they feel because it took us awhile (and a bit of help) to concieve DS. All my friends were having honeymoon babies and we'd been married longer and had been TTC.
newcastlemama's Avatar newcastlemama 10:12 PM 08-11-2010
We tell everyone right away because we get so excited. I have had one miscarriage in the past at 12 weeks but I was glad everyone knew so they could be there for us. Plus I practically drop out of life for the first trimester due to m/s and fatigue so it is better people know I am not avoiding them for no reason
Neuromancer's Avatar Neuromancer 10:25 PM 08-11-2010
I am 7 weeks. I have told 4 close friends (and, by extension, their spouses/boyfriends), my sister, and my parents. My husband wants to wait a few weeks before telling his parents, and I'm fine with that. I told my sister she could tell her closest friends so she'd have someone to talk to about it, as long as they promise to keep Facebook silence. I told my parents they could tell extended family at the end of September, when they'll be visiting our out-of-state family anyway.

Here's what I think for me (I don't think this need apply to anyone else's situation; everyone feels differently and that's valid):

1. The only reason I don't feel like telling everyone immediately is because of the possibility of a loss, which would upset me and also upset the people who love me.

2. A loss can happen at any time -- in or outside of pregnancy and birth. Anyone can be gone, just like that. There's never going to be a "safe" time when I know I can let my guard down. So I decided that, for me (and I can't stress enough that this is a personal choice and all choices are valid), I can't pick a date that is "safe" to tell everyone because I don't feel one exists.

3. If I lose the baby, I would like to have some people who know I was pregnant and will love and support me.

4. If the tables were turned and it was my friend or family member, I would want her to feel she could tell me as early as she wanted, and I would not feel burdened by knowledge of a loss. I would want to support and love her in her time of need. I expect my dearest friends feel the same way.

5. I don't need to tell a lot of people before the end of the first trimester, but I do want to tell a few, close friends, so that I have people to talk to (and so my spouse has people to talk to) about what I'm going through.

6. I'll wait a little longer to tell work (unless I get sick enough it affects my job) and the director of the play I'm in because I don't want the fact of my pregnancy worrying them, but I'll probably tell them early in the second trimester (or when I start to show). I don't think it's important they know early.
Neuromancer's Avatar Neuromancer 10:30 PM 08-11-2010
Originally Posted by newcastlemama View Post
Plus I practically drop out of life for the first trimester due to m/s and fatigue so it is better people know I am not avoiding them for no reason
Yes! This, too. I decided to tell one friend because I was spending the weekend with her and couldn't eat anything she was serving. I just felt grossed out by food and didn't want her to think I was a "bad houseguest."
Liora's Avatar Liora 10:41 PM 08-11-2010
Lol! I posted my +hpt at 3 weeks 1 day on FB! Of course everyone knew I was doing the fet. I need everyones prayers too much to keep it a secret. Plus if the worst happens I don't think I could survive it without my family and friends support.
Stayseeliz's Avatar Stayseeliz 12:01 AM 08-12-2010
My theory is also go ahead and tell people you'd need support from if something happened. Family, close friends, etc.

I can't seem to keep my mouth shut anyway. I've told my best friend, my sister and my neighbors (we're friends too) and DH told his boss and his sister. So basically we're not not telling. We're just not telling our parents!!! lol

I seriously have to decide about telling my parents this weekend though since they'll be visiting. My sister is pushing me to tell but I think it's mostly because she's a big mouth and she doesn't want to have to worry about letting it slip around my mom.

We are going to wait until we see the heartbeat to tell the kids though. That should be around 7-8 weeks. That will just make me feel better and make it more "real". Plus once we tell them the whole world will know! The secret will most certainly be out of the bag at that point!
CookAMH's Avatar CookAMH 01:45 AM 08-12-2010
I already answered, but we decided tonight to hold off telling siblings. So, only parents, MDC and one good friend knows. I'm wary of telling since I have brown spotting (which I know is nothing, but I still worry! ) and it's so early yet. We didn't tell till about 8 weeks with family, and may do that this time with siblings and other close family.
annemoonstar's Avatar annemoonstar 04:30 PM 08-12-2010
DH told his mother the day after the BFP, because he was freaking out and she asked him "how are things?" So then we had to tell his dad, so his mom wouldn't have to keep the secret for too long. And of course, my parents had to know if his knew. And my sister lives with us and is DS's nanny, so she found out pretty quick (when I wouldn't have a glass of wine with her--that doesn't happen very often!). And I told my BF before I told DH because I was freaking out. We will probably have to tell my brothers next time they visit (in two weeks)--I don't think my mom is capable of keeping a secret like this much longer than that!

But for everyone else, we are waiting. I had two m/c's before DS and both times we told the whole family and it was really hard to "take it back." We are already passed the point that I miscarried previously, and I feel sick like I did with DS, so I feel pretty good about this one being sticky. BUT, I am still paranoid about it....will probably wait until 12 weeks again.
kgreenemama's Avatar kgreenemama 06:23 PM 08-12-2010
Close friends and family were told immediately. If I were to miscarry, I'd want them to know that, anyway.

Work and acquaintances will wait until after 12 weeks, but this is my second pregnancy, and the big boobs and bloated belly under the the baggy clothes might give me away sooner. Thank goodness for these empire-style shirts that are 'in' right now!
AshleytheIslander's Avatar AshleytheIslander 11:59 PM 08-12-2010

I haven't told my DH yet or anyone else in real life. I won't tell anyone else until my DH knows. I'm not telling him until the weekend. I'm thinking of a good way to break the news of this surprise.