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#1 of 25 Old 10-21-2010, 08:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I haven't told my mom. I've been avoiding her for the past couple of weeks (months?). She's called me a bunch this week, and I actually need to talk to her about some plans we were supposed to have next week.
But I can't call her in good faith and not tell her.
Sooo... I'm going to call her and tell her.
I need some accountability here, because I keep picking up the phone and finding a reason to put it back down again (oh, was that the doorbell, again? )
MDC mamas, give me a push here!

I figure if I type it here, then I'll feel dumb if I don't actually tell her.

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but a lesson must be lived in order to be learned.
and the clarity to see and stop this now
that is what i've earned (a.d.)
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#2 of 25 Old 10-21-2010, 09:02 PM
 
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Ok here it is: Babygrey, You are a grown women with 2 kids. It's time to act like the women you are and tell your mother! Stop worrying about her approval or lack of it. If your mother can't simply cogratuate you and stop judging the fact the you are making different decisions than she would, then she is simply immature. Besides you don't live with her and you can choose not to be around her if she chooses to be negative. Now make that call

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#3 of 25 Old 10-21-2010, 09:04 PM
 
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So, did you tell her? How did it go? Why were you nervous to tell her?

Maybe it's because I'm due in the beginning of April, ot because I tend to pop out within just a few weeks, but there's no way I could be keeping this a secret at this point, even if I wanted to.

Melissa Wife to DH, Mom to DS (6) and DD (3) We are a homebirthing, no vax, intact, devoutly LDS happy family!


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#4 of 25 Old 10-21-2010, 10:08 PM
 
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so, made that call yet?

Claire, mommy to Robbie (8/23/08) and Brena (4-22-11) and wifey to Joe
 
 
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#5 of 25 Old 10-21-2010, 10:37 PM
 
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you can do it!! I know you have been SO stressed about this. Even if she doesn't take it well you will feel so much relief from having that weight off of your shoulders! keep us posted!! sending lots of strength and positive vibes your way!!!

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#6 of 25 Old 10-21-2010, 10:41 PM
 
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how'd it go?

Sara ~ one dh + one 5yo boy + baby in 2011
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#7 of 25 Old 10-21-2010, 11:11 PM
 
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ITA it will be a huge weight off your shoulders to get the call done and over with.

Mama to 5 busy bees (12, 9, 7, 3, 2) and expecting #6 June/2014

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#8 of 25 Old 10-21-2010, 11:12 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pattimomma View Post
Ok here it is: Babygrey, You are a grown women with 2 kids. It's time to act like the women you are and tell your mother! Stop worrying about her approval or lack of it. If your mother can't simply cogratuate you and stop judging the fact the you are making different decisions than she would, then she is simply immature. Besides you don't live with her and you can choose not to be around her if she chooses to be negative. Now make that call
This was like a virtual slap in the face, 'pull yourself together man' moment! Awesome!!
Go Babygrey Go!!!

Me,fly-by-nursing2.gif wife to DH familybed2.gif , SAHM to DD (4/26/09) and DS (4/9/11) h20homebirth.gif cd.gif
 
 
 
  
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#9 of 25 Old 10-21-2010, 11:25 PM
 
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"Hi, mom, it's Babygrey. I'm pregnant and if you can't be happy for me I'm going to pray for twins."

She'll get over it - call her!!

Mama to DD September 2001 and DD April 2011 *Winner for most typos* eat.gif
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#10 of 25 Old 10-21-2010, 11:57 PM
 
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Hoping it went well, and that she was able to be supportive and happy for you upon hearing the joyous news!

mama to two sweet girls love.gif 8/05, fairy.gif 11/08, a handsome little guy babyboy.gif 4/11, and expecting another 5/13
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#11 of 25 Old 10-22-2010, 12:13 AM
 
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Hoping you've told her and things went well!! I dreaded telling my MIL and she took it fine! The fear was worse than actually telling!!

Stacey reading.gif Happy wife to Rick coolshine.gif ,homeschooling Mama to Jacob, Noel, Joanna jumpers.gif  and a sweet stork-girl.gif due in the Spring!
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#12 of 25 Old 10-22-2010, 12:17 AM
 
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Rooting for you! Hope it went well!

-from another phone call avoider

Mama to 4 girls    chicken3.gif5/05, 12/07, 9/09, 3/11   winner.jpghomeschool.gifhomebirth.jpg

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#13 of 25 Old 10-22-2010, 03:07 AM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks mamas for the kick in the pants! I needed that.
Well, I called her and told her.
It went as badly as I expected. (she did, as I worried she would, suggest termination. I knew she would and that's part of why I waited until the second tri to tell her- in my state, while not illegal, elective second tri termination is impossible to come by, so there was no dicussion to be had.)
Thank you all for reminding me it is her issue. The worst part is, she's not angry or anything, she's sad for me. Which is just so incomprehensible to me.

I tried hard to hear why it bothered her so much, so that maybe I could help her work through some of the issues, but, really, it bothers her because me as a SAHM of a handful of kiddos is not the life she wanted for me. She raised me very much as a second gen feminist- put work and school before everything and excel like my male peers and such. The thing is, I DID that. I have a Masters degree and I had a high powered career. I just didn't like it. I quit when I was pg w/ DD and she's been expecting me to go back since (I don't have plans to). Me not matching up to her ideal of what her daughter would be is not an issue I can help her work through, kwim?

Anyway. It is sad that my mom is sad for me when I'm so happy for me. Especially since, when I was pg with DD, she was my biggest supporter and, honestly, I've never enjoyed her company so much as when I was expecting DD. I wish these babies (and I!) could have that.
Le sigh.
This too, shall pass.

reading.gifdiaper.gif ♥ baby.gif baby.gif ♥
but a lesson must be lived in order to be learned.
and the clarity to see and stop this now
that is what i've earned (a.d.)
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#14 of 25 Old 10-22-2010, 10:49 AM
 
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I think her disappointment is possibly mixed up with fear. A SAHM with 4 children is in a very vulnerable position in our society. If, god forbid, anything happened to your relationship with your husband, from divorce to death, there could be serious repercussions for you and your children. She may not have mentioned it 'cause it's rude to tell your child you don't really trust their partner (although, she did suggest termination which is pretty rude, too....)

I would worry about my daughter, although I would hope I'd have the fortitude to keep it to myself.

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#15 of 25 Old 10-22-2010, 10:55 AM
 
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i was also thinking that she's probably more scared than disappointed, and not very good at putting her filters on so that she can be supportive. i'm sorry it wasn't the best outcome at least it's out of the way.

for another baby

Sara ~ one dh + one 5yo boy + baby in 2011
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#16 of 25 Old 10-22-2010, 11:06 AM
 
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Sorry it didn't go well. Now your job is to not let her say things that will hurt you. I had to do that with my MIL during one pg. She was rude several times and I finally said "You can think the things but I can't hear them. Don't say them to me or I can't talk to you."

You're right that you can't change her expectations of you but you don't have to feel like you're doing anything wrong. I dealt with that to some degree with my mom. When we told her I would be a permanent SAHM and homeschool she said "What about your degree?" What about it? My diplomas are sitting on the shelf and I'm happy doing what I do. That's all that matters!

Stacey reading.gif Happy wife to Rick coolshine.gif ,homeschooling Mama to Jacob, Noel, Joanna jumpers.gif  and a sweet stork-girl.gif due in the Spring!
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#17 of 25 Old 10-22-2010, 12:16 PM
 
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I'm sorry it didn't go well. I agree that there is nothing for you to do to help her work through her issues. Honestly she got exactly what she wanted in a daughter she just doesn't realize it. She raised a daughter that is headstrong, tenacious, knows what she wants, and goes for it regardless of how others think she should behave or what they think she should do, including her own mom! You are part of the new generation of feminists who say "I can keep up with the boys club if I want to but I would rather raise my family and everyone had better respect that CHOICE!" Poor thing it sounds like your momma has it stuck in her head that SAHM means that you gave up. Maybe she need to rethink her stance that work and career comes before family.

~Patti~ rainbow1284.gifMomma to three girls and three boys chicken3.gif, First mother to one girl triadadopt.jpg

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#18 of 25 Old 10-22-2010, 12:21 PM
 
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I'm sorry it didn't go well- I think it's normal for moms to be disappointed when you don't make the choices they'd make, if they were in your shoes.

But if she can't get over it- don't let her negatively spoil your joy. You wanted these babies, you love them, and it's too bad she can't appreciate that fact. You don't need her to approve of your choices, but you need her to support them. If she can't, don't talk to her any more than neccesary.

:

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Newly married to Patrick love.gif Expecting someone new in April!
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#19 of 25 Old 10-22-2010, 12:23 PM
 
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, it bothers her because me as a SAHM of a handful of kiddos is not the life she wanted for me. She raised me very much as a second gen feminist- put work and school before everything and excel like my male peers and such. The thing is, I DID that. I have a Masters degree and I had a high powered career. I just didn't like it. I quit when I was pg w/ DD and she's been expecting me to go back since (I don't have plans to). Me not matching up to her ideal of what her daughter would be is not an issue I can help her work through, kwim?
.
Hug!! I want to you to know I have never told my mom about any of my pregnancies because of this.... and she lives with me!! Well, she didn't when we first started having babies and so dh called to tell her about #1.

Thing is, my mom DID stay home with her kids, baked bread, raised chickens and loved it. The whole hippie thing. But she always wanted me to have more 'choices' so it took awhile for *me* to realize that mothering was a choice I could make, too.

After 1 million 'use the pill; don't be afraid of bc' lectures, it was just too hard to tell her that I whoopsied my 1st pregnancy.

I like having 'a lot' (if you can call 4 that) of kids too. I LIKE them! I like what I do (way too much...) and I reserve the right to be proud of my breeding abilities.

And it's not like I have life on a golden platter; my dh works 2 states away, we barely make it, even with me working pt time and he is 15 years older than me so that makes him.... old. But we love every day and try not to worry. Too much.

It's so strange to me that other people feel free to comment on limiting family size so much... shouldn't people who enjoy mothering have kids?

All this said, I still haven't told my dad.

Megan~ mama to Cecilia (9/1/04) Carl (11/19/06) Vivian (9/10/09) & spring 2011 baby.
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#20 of 25 Old 10-22-2010, 12:31 PM
 
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Originally Posted by suzywan View Post
A SAHM with 4 children is in a very vulnerable position in our society. If, god forbid, anything happened to your relationship with your husband, from divorce to death, there could be serious repercussions for you and your children. She may not have mentioned it 'cause it's rude to tell your child you don't really trust their partner (although, she did suggest termination which is pretty rude, too....)
This has happened to me (dh had a small stroke, heart defect) and I realized that 1. the worry thing is real and 2. I couldn't live my life based on 'what if.' I got the gift of realizing that I needed to let go of control and just enjoy.each.day.

The beauty is, I too have one of those masters-on-a-shelf and I know the same creativity I use to raise kids could be used to shoulder on as a single mom if I needed to. But I did raise dh's life insurance for the next 20 years, lol.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Stayseeliz View Post
"What about your degree?" What about it? My diplomas are sitting on the shelf and I'm happy doing what I do. That's all that matters!
Right. I love school and I loved working and now I love mothering. It took me awhile to realize this and then verbalize it, but it's true! And I'm okay with it. NEVER knew this would be me!

This thread is very thought provoking.

Megan~ mama to Cecilia (9/1/04) Carl (11/19/06) Vivian (9/10/09) & spring 2011 baby.
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#21 of 25 Old 10-22-2010, 01:11 PM
 
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for her reaction. I know you were prepared for it but I'm sure that doesn't ease the pain too much. At the same time, I'm proud of you for telling!

Fiction writer by training, writer/editor of anything anyone will hire me for by trade. Me + D=my girls E (4/2011) and little N, 1/2014.

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#22 of 25 Old 10-22-2010, 01:47 PM
 
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Maybe it would help her to read some of the more "pro-parenting" type of progressive feminist stuff. I'm sorry that I can't recommend anything but I know it's out there. If you post on MDC I'll bet you'll get a lot of great suggestions for articles and books.

Mama to DD September 2001 and DD April 2011 *Winner for most typos* eat.gif
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#23 of 25 Old 10-22-2010, 02:13 PM
 
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I'm sorry it went as you expected it would. I really hoped she would be able to rise above herself and put you and your happiness first. Perhaps you can give her this book and get her to read this thread.

""Imagine women with masters degrees and PhDs who choose home over career advancement. Imagine wives (and husbands) who reject the false promise of endless paid labor to tend gardens and children and friendships. In a time when Wall Street MBAs-producing nothing of value but rewarded with million-dollar bonuses and blinded by greed-have driven our country to bankruptcy and despair, Shannon Hayes' stories of women and men who choose simplicity, authenticity and community inspire hope. Outside the boxes of both conservatives and liberals, this book is radical thinking at its best. Read it and think."-John de Graaf, coauthor of Affluenza and director of Take Back Your Time"

Hugs, mama. We are happy for you - that you are with us in this DDC and that you finally got this huge burden off of your shoulders...

Mother to L.O. born at home 10.17.08 EDD for #2 4.21.2011
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#24 of 25 Old 10-22-2010, 05:18 PM
 
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Why is it that there are so many "feminsts" out there that devalue things that are inately feminine? (Like motherhood, and breastfeeding.) What if instead of doing more than "just being a SAHM," I want to do more than, "just have a career"? What if I feel that these human lives I have created with my husband are worth devoting everything I have to? Currently both DH and I work part-time and we are able to spend a lot of time with our son, and a lot of time together as a family. I do have a college degree, and I make a decent hourly wage. We would be a lot better off financially if we both worked full-time, and I enjoy my job, but it is not may passion; my family is my passion.

Good for you for making your own decisions, regardless of how your mother feels about them . I wish she could understand what a truly brave and progressive thing you are doing.

Melissa Wife to DH, Mom to DS (6) and DD (3) We are a homebirthing, no vax, intact, devoutly LDS happy family!


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#25 of 25 Old 10-22-2010, 08:48 PM
 
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Does it at least feel better to have the secret out? I hope your mom comes around for you, and can support the choice that you have made to be a SAHM. You did the things she hoped for you and have moved on to something else, she should be proud.

Baking mama to dd (7.5), ds (6), ds (3.5) and someone new in April
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