wanting to keep birthing private, how to handle the situation? RE: facebook - Mothering Forums
April 2011 > wanting to keep birthing private, how to handle the situation? RE: facebook
ILoveMyBabyBird's Avatar ILoveMyBabyBird 12:18 PM 03-13-2011

So one of my second cousins gave birth yesterday and her mom had everything plastered on facebook, eg "dd's water broke, is xx many centimeters, is about to push etc....I do not want my birth experience updated on facebook, the whole thing just rubs me wrong. I know dh will respect my wishes, but random cousins and all will probably not, they may find out from so and so and put it on their facebook. I got in a big tiffy about it yesterday and dh is like well lets just not tell your family, leave ds with friends and have the baby and say it all happened so fast, etc. Yeah that sounds good and all, but I love my family and all and I want to share things with them and don't want to exclude them from everything, I just dont want my birth details on peoples facebook status so their friends who i don't even know etc, can read about it. I also don't like the facebook thing because then some family members would not find out because they are not on facebook, but random strangers would and see pics of the new baby before people that Mattered to us. Same with the with the pregnancy and gender reveal, I did not announce it on facebook, but at family functions so that my family would know before said random people.

 

With ds I got pretty primal in that I refused people in my room during labor, I gather I could do that, but I know dh will be going out for smoke breaks and there may be a couple family members in the waiting room. I also don't like the idea of pictures getting on facebook before ds has a chance to meet his new sister. Oh I really like facebook, but sometimes things need to be private, kwim? So advice ladies?



my-j-angel's Avatar my-j-angel 01:03 PM 03-13-2011

DDC

 

I say put your foot down and request that people not post your experience on Facebook.  When you are ready to post your daughters arrival you will.  It's not their place too. 

 

I completely agree w/ you that certain things need to be private and posting on FB what stage of labor your in, rubs me wrong. Good luck!


StarCat's Avatar StarCat 02:56 PM 03-13-2011


yeah- I agree.  I truly believe this is one area that you do NOT need to be tactful. Tell them I will update facebook in my time and when I'm ready.  Please do not post any status updates or anything related to me being in labor and definitely NO PICTURES!!  Tell this to your most facebook addicted family members.  Do not be sweet, kind or gentle.  Be honest and firm.  If its okay for them to post something like  "at hospital waiting on littlest baby bird" or something along those lines but with no details let them know that as well. 

 

I can't imagine anyone going against your wishes if you spelled it out so clearly. 

 


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by my-j-angel View Post

DDC

 

I say put your foot down and request that people not post your experience on Facebook.  When you are ready to post your daughters arrival you will.  It's not their place too. 

 

I completely agree w/ you that certain things need to be private and posting on FB what stage of labor your in, rubs me wrong. Good luck!



 


CookAMH's Avatar CookAMH 09:29 PM 03-13-2011

I am curious how those who would blab on facebook are going to get details of your labor progress?  If your mom will be there, can't you have her refrain from texting or calling people about how far along you are, or were you meaning that you want your family members to know that and just not tell the world?


guppiegirl's Avatar guppiegirl 09:59 PM 03-13-2011

ILoveMyBabyBird, I'm dealing with the same issue now.

 

I'm concerned that my Facebook obsessed MIL will be keeping her friends list updated during the birth. My husband and I need to talk to her about this soon. When we told them we were pregnant, we had to ask her to not post about it on Facebook until we had a chance to tell all of our friends and extended family ourselves. I can tell the request was like torture to her. MIL treats Facebook like a personal diary that she constantly updates, with photos and news.

 

All of our parents have been banned from the building where I will be giving birth. Depending on how fast things go, my husband will be calling the parents periodically with updates, though I'm considering not letting anyone know until the baby has arrived. There are 3 sets of parents between my husband and I. None of them really gets along very well. My mom, my husband's mom and his stepmom all have somewhat high-strung personalities and are very traditional, competitive and opinionated. Interactions with my mom in particular make my blood pressure rise. My other anxiety right now is that if my mom finds out I'm in labor, she will disregard my wishes and show up at the birth. Ugh.


Julieee's Avatar Julieee 10:10 PM 03-13-2011

shut your wall down....  do it when you feel you're "there".  Go to your account, privacy settings, then click customize settings...  down where it says "Things others share" unclick ENABLE for wall postings.   The only way people will be able to post on your "wall" then is to comment on something you've done, like post a status, or picture or something.

 

You could just deactivate facebook all together for a few days and then reactivate it.  You don't lose anything, all your pics and contacts and everything come right back up when you reactivate it!


CookAMH's Avatar CookAMH 11:04 PM 03-13-2011


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by guppiegirl View Post

ILoveMyBabyBird, I'm dealing with the same issue now.

 

 

 Depending on how fast things go, my husband will be calling the parents periodically with updates, though I'm considering not letting anyone know until the baby has arrived.


We'll tell parents and siblings when I'm in active labor then they won't hear anything until we have news of the birth. Our phones will be off and they won't be able to learn anything anyway.


Stayseeliz's Avatar Stayseeliz 11:46 PM 03-13-2011

I think I need to have a talk with my MIL about this too. I don't want her putting things on there before I do. We had some major issues when I went into preterm labor at 29 weeks. MIL and SIL would put things on fb about my hospital stay instead of calling each other about it. At one point we had to go to the hospital around midnight and my family (who lives 9 hours away) saw it and started freaking out. Sigh..Oh the drama..

 

I agree that just being blunt and telling them NOT to put anything on there would be best!! Just lay it out on the line!!


Bird Girl's Avatar Bird Girl 11:47 PM 03-13-2011

Yes, I sympathize. My 80+ year old FIL sent emails to everyone in his extended family network announcing our pregnancy way before we were ready to let anyone know. He's not on facebook (that I know of, I don't do facebook myself) but his email addiction is serious.

 

Therefore, he and my MIL will be informed of the baby's arrival at our convenience. My MIL's feelings will probably be hurt because my parents will be at my home with my children, with constant updates and they will not be. Oh well. Actions have consequences.


mclisa's Avatar mclisa 05:58 AM 03-14-2011

I'm always surprised when I read someone's post about someone else being xxcm.  Really, no one published how big your prostate was...or some other private measurement.

 

 


ILoveMyBabyBird's Avatar ILoveMyBabyBird 09:46 AM 03-14-2011

well if my mom were alive she wouldn't be blabbing things on facebook, it's pretty much like this: grandma will tell a certain aunt, a certain aunt will tell her daughter and her daughter will post things on facebook. This is what happened to me with my second pregnancy, I called and told my aunt I was pg, and not within the hour dh comes and says my cousin put that i was pregnant as HER fb status, so she shared my news with all our family and her random friends before I was ready. Pretty harsh when I had to go and comment on her status that I was no longer pregnant a week later because I lost it..So it is not so much people posting on my wall, but they can post whatever they want on their fb status, and there are many older relatives that don't have fb and won't get to know the news before my cousins friends whom i don't know, lol?!

 

I have had a deep talk with dh about this, I told him he is not to share any details with people if they are in the waiting room, and that he can keep his phone on in case someone needs to get ahold of us because of ds, but that I will not be taking phone calls in my room, and I don't want to know who is in the waiting room, and I honestly don't want anyone in my laboring room until after the baby is born. I just don't like the idea of keeping things from people, but i also don't want my birthing detail public on the internet in real time, lol, I mean going back and writing about my birthing story, or posting pictures after the fact is one thing, but it is another to be in labor and thinking oh i wonder if my cousin is talking about how big my cervix is on fb, lol!. And I told dh once dd is born and we are all okay and everything and ds has had a chance to meet her, then I am fine with people taking pictures and sharing on fb or whatever, but after the intial bonding and things have occurred, and not before. I like f/b, but I don't like others sharing my info before I am ready, so for me the only way for that to happen is to not share the information with people i suppose.


ILoveMyBabyBird's Avatar ILoveMyBabyBird 09:51 AM 03-14-2011


Quote:
Originally Posted by Stayseeliz View Post

I think I need to have a talk with my MIL about this too. I don't want her putting things on there before I do. We had some major issues when I went into preterm labor at 29 weeks. MIL and SIL would put things on fb about my hospital stay instead of calling each other about it. At one point we had to go to the hospital around midnight and my family (who lives 9 hours away) saw it and started freaking out. Sigh..Oh the drama..

 

I agree that just being blunt and telling them NOT to put anything on there would be best!! Just lay it out on the line!!


what's worse is that there is private emailing on facebook, your MIL could have emailed SIL w/o letting everyone else in on the conversation, kwim? But in some ways i think f/b has gotten a bit out of hand!

 


daisychain's Avatar daisychain 11:07 AM 03-14-2011

I must be a terrible person, because I'm all about keeping things from people!  When DD was born, it simply never occurred to us that we would tell anyone when I went into labor.  We didn't call anyone until she was born and things had settled down a wee bit.  We just didn't think it was any of anyone's business.  This time around, we'll need to tell the friend who will be looking after DD when I'm at the hospital, but that's it.  And yes, she'll probably tell a couple of our other friends, but I'm lucky to have a group of friends who won't blab about things or get in my business.  :)  Once we're at the hospital, no one will hear from us until we have a new baby in our arms.  

 

I just feel really strongly that childbirth isn't a spectator sport.  It's an enormous life event that really is just for me and DH.  And it doesn't bother me in the least to consider my own feelings over the feelings of my relatives in this case.  They can decide what they want to decide when they have babies.  


ILoveMyBabyBird's Avatar ILoveMyBabyBird 04:21 PM 03-14-2011


For me I am a private person and the truth is while I am somewhat close to my sister, grandma and an aunt or two, I still don't feel close enough to have them in the delivery room persay. I go back and forth about the entire situation. My grandma has been sick and was originally suppose to watch my ds, but now I am looking for other options, of course if she finds out, sick or not (suffering from arthritis), she will probably be up at the hospital. The more i think about it, the more dh's plan to just have his friends watch and say it "all happened so fast" sounds good, the thing is, his two closest friends have both said they could keep ds, while my family hasn't been so keen to volunteer to help out, plus his friends live within 5-10 minutes of us, so yeah it is logical they could be the 1st ones to call if it "all happened so fast", who knows I am probably jinxing myself and it all will happen so fast and I will end up birthing in the car, ha! Actually I plan to labor as much as possible at home so this is a very big possibility, with ds I had relatives scaring me into going to the hospital before i should have and then the dr. decided to keep me even though I wasn't even at a 2 cm dilation and what resulted was a long stressful labor, family members coming in and out, (or trying to and me not letting them in the room), and a scared dh and then ultimately a pitocin drip followed by an epidural, so not happening this time, lol! Dh's friends watching ds and a nice laboring process at home sounds good to me, and the family can know when we are ready to let them know, shoot I have even joked with dh that he shouldn't be surprised if he comes home from work and the baby will be here. It just seems like last time we were first time parents and didn't have any clue what was going on, this time I feel like I know what I am doing, I am not going to have dh miss work if I am in early labor and have him home waiting on me, lol, it is better to just keep my labor to myself until I am ready to share it with others. So yeah, facebook is definitely not invited to my hospital waiting room or laboring room, lol!

Quote:
Originally Posted by daisychain View Post

I must be a terrible person, because I'm all about keeping things from people!  When DD was born, it simply never occurred to us that we would tell anyone when I went into labor.  We didn't call anyone until she was born and things had settled down a wee bit.  We just didn't think it was any of anyone's business.  This time around, we'll need to tell the friend who will be looking after DD when I'm at the hospital, but that's it.  And yes, she'll probably tell a couple of our other friends, but I'm lucky to have a group of friends who won't blab about things or get in my business.  :)  Once we're at the hospital, no one will hear from us until we have a new baby in our arms.  

 

I just feel really strongly that childbirth isn't a spectator sport.  It's an enormous life event that really is just for me and DH.  And it doesn't bother me in the least to consider my own feelings over the feelings of my relatives in this case.  They can decide what they want to decide when they have babies.  



 


acdmama's Avatar acdmama 05:12 PM 03-14-2011

I can honestly say that no one I feel close enough to, to share that I am in labor would then turn around and post that on fb.  I am an intensely private person, and we lost our first baby last year about a month after she was born to a rare lung condition.  Once I was in labor, DH and I were too busy to share with anyone, including my parents who happened to be visiting when I had our first.  I have had friends update labor progress on fb--apparently they were comfortable with that.  I don't share, and neither will anyone who cares about me!  Plus, like I said, we'll be busy progressing and not running out telling people what's happening.


donutmolly's Avatar donutmolly 07:57 PM 03-14-2011

Wow!  I'm just a bit shocked because I've never seen anyone post labor progress on facebook -- trust me, I believe that it happens -- it's just so crazy that other people feel compelled to share such details as how much someone else's cervix is dilated.  Yipes!

 

I'm in the camp of "no one knows I'm in labor until it's all over" -- now partially, that is because I've had quicker births where once I knew labor was happening, neither DH or I were available to call anyone because we were too busy coping with contractions.  But it really has served us well.  The only people we've called during labor is our MWs and my mom so that she could come to watch our DDs.  I know that other families have different expectations, but I don't get why anyone would feel hurt to be updated with the news "Baby is Here".


dayiscoming2006's Avatar dayiscoming2006 09:06 PM 03-14-2011

I'm only telling my closest friends. I won't tell my family until it is over because they don't know I'm planning a homebirth and I don't see the point anyway. 

My friends definitely won't post on facebook about it. That's just insane. Why would anyone think that that was something for them to share? Some people need to get a life.

 

To OP, it probably is best to do what your dh suggested if you really want to guarantee to keep it off of facebook. 


IdentityCrisisMama's Avatar IdentityCrisisMama 07:58 AM 03-15-2011

I think you are quite right to tell everyone - or, better, just tell one person to spread the word - that you want to post (or not post!) details about your life on Facebook when you feel like it.  I feel like there are quite a few new communication/social tools that are moving too fast for common sense to keep up.  I've got a million pet peeves about Facebook and other things (like Skype!) because they seem to really highlight subtle differences in people's preferences that we don't have enough experience dealing with.  Plus, there are no old fashioned etiquette to guide us.  

 

I say put your foot down for whatever reason you want because it's perfectly acceptable that you would want to share your own information.  Other people can do the same when they have fun stuff happen in their life.  It's weird to usurp that and Facebook being what it is isn't a good excuse.  


dayiscoming2006's Avatar dayiscoming2006 08:13 AM 03-15-2011


Quote:
Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama View Post

I say put your foot down for whatever reason you want because it's perfectly acceptable that you would want to share your own information.  Other people can do the same when they have fun stuff happen in their life.  It's weird to usurp that and Facebook being what it is isn't a good excuse.  



I agree, but putting your foot down won't control their fingers if they decide not to listen. That's the problem. You can try though.


Blanca78's Avatar Blanca78 02:06 PM 03-16-2011

Ugh. You all have my sympathies. I am on facebook but THANKFULLY neither of my parents are. My MIL is but I'm not friends with her (I don't think she's figured out how to friend me :))

 

I think what would upset me is losing the excitement of being able to make my own announcement once the baby's born. I like the idea of disabling wall comments temporarily.

 

I am on it but more and more I just think Facebook sucks--more trouble than it's worth. My story? I found out this year that my GRANDMOTHER died, because my aunt posted it in her status before either of my parents could phone me.


caitryn's Avatar caitryn 04:35 PM 03-16-2011

Being at around 37 weeks and being completely unsure of when my daughter will make her debut, I have been putting some personal updates on Facebook, but those updates have been mine to make.  I am lucky that no one else seems to be posting info to each other.  What little family I have and most of my husband's family are on Facebook, so everyone will know around the same time since so many are keeping a close eye on my posts.  That's the good thing with Facebook for me, atm, since it is saving us from 20 million phone calls and having to pick and choose who's feelings we're going to hurt by not calling Person A before Person B.  I also have lots of close friends on there who have been a major support base the entire pregnancy.

 

That being said, since no one is jumping the gun on Facebook for me without my permission (my mom, younger sister, and DH all have permission within reason), I do not have the same issues as others.  What bothered me was the non-Internet stuff.  For instance, my MIL made sure to be in the room with me when I was giving birth to DS.  (I was too frightened at having a preemie and hurting too badly to care who was there at the point that she entered.)  She started taking pictures without anyone's permission, including the doctors/nurses.  (We won't get into other things she did since they are not related to sharing info.)  Since we both worked at the same place, it really hurt my feelings that she took those same pictures, that I hadn't even had a chance to see, btw, back to our job and showed them off to everyone before I could even let my parents know they had a grandson.  I think half the county saw the photos before my parents knew he was here. :(

 

(This is also the woman who apparently was going around telling all of her friends, some I had never met, that I was taking fertility drugs to get pregnant with DS.  Ugg!  As if that was anyone's business!  Yes, I told a couple of people, but they were close friends and family who I had already been sharing health info with.)

 

This time I live in another state, so her knowledge of everything and who gets to hear it will be at my whim instead of hers.


mrsberman's Avatar mrsberman 09:10 PM 03-16-2011


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blanca78 View Post

Ugh. You all have my sympathies. I am on facebook but THANKFULLY neither of my parents are. My MIL is but I'm not friends with her (I don't think she's figured out how to friend me :))

 

I think what would upset me is losing the excitement of being able to make my own announcement once the baby's born. I like the idea of disabling wall comments temporarily.

 

I am on it but more and more I just think Facebook sucks--more trouble than it's worth. My story? I found out this year that my GRANDMOTHER died, because my aunt posted it in her status before either of my parents could phone me.


I'm sorry, that's an awful way to hear bad news!

 

After DH's texting fiasco while I was in labor with DD, there most likely won't be any cell phones allowed in the room this time. My mother kept texting and calling him for updates/information and threatening him with annoying toys for the baby if he didn't respond. He got so caught up in trying to keep her happy that he wasn't much of a support when I needed his help. We both know better now! There might be a "headed to the hospital" status post or something else simple, but nothing more until the baby comes. No one should be posting updates about your birth but you (if you want it).

 


Lisa1970's Avatar Lisa1970 11:14 AM 03-17-2011

If they do not have the updates and details, they cannot post them. Keeping cell phones out of the delivery room will not help too much as they can leave the room from time to time and post stuff then. If they do not know you are pushing or you are X cm, then they cannot post about it. If you have a couple people you want to give updates to, then make sure they understand that the updates are meant to be private and not shared with others. Frankly, I do not understand why any woman would want anyone at all to know how many centimeters her cervix is. That is just sooo personal. I would be mortified if others knew the width of my private parts or otherwise. So I would not tell anyone. My dh would know because he would be in the room, but no one else.


Lisa1970's Avatar Lisa1970 11:19 AM 03-17-2011

I know what you mean about facebook. People sometimes get too personal on there and seem to forget the variety of people on there. I have cousins that I really have grown to not like so much, because they have posted too many opinions on too many things. I do not think we should know each other so well.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blanca78 View Post

Ugh. You all have my sympathies. I am on facebook but THANKFULLY neither of my parents are. My MIL is but I'm not friends with her (I don't think she's figured out how to friend me :))

 

I think what would upset me is losing the excitement of being able to make my own announcement once the baby's born. I like the idea of disabling wall comments temporarily.

 

I am on it but more and more I just think Facebook sucks--more trouble than it's worth. My story? I found out this year that my GRANDMOTHER died, because my aunt posted it in her status before either of my parents could phone me.



 


lil_stinkyfeet's Avatar lil_stinkyfeet 12:05 PM 03-17-2011

DDC Crashing..

 

With my last baby I deactivated my account for that reason. I didn't want people posting congrats on my wall before I was able to announce it.


EnchantedMamma's Avatar EnchantedMamma 11:07 PM 03-19-2011

Plus, there are no old fashioned etiquette to guide us. 

 

Well... honestly, etiquette doesn't rule something like that. Maybe it *should*, but in practical terms the only things that 'rules' it is what is possible. And since Facebook gives everyone a voice, they can put what they want. The only way to completely avoid it is to not make the information available at all.

 

I'm glad someone mentioned disabling wall comments. I didn't think to do that but I will. It's amazing how many people haven't the slightest clue how rude it is to upstage someone's announcement.

 

That said, we will not be texting/calling/telling anyone until we've had a chance to let my in laws know. They aren't on Facebook and I think they deserve to know they have a grandchild before the world at large knows, lol. My parents and whoever watches my DS will be under VERY strict orders to not post a word.

 

It's a brave new world...


IdentityCrisisMama's Avatar IdentityCrisisMama 05:45 AM 03-20-2011


Quote:
Originally Posted by EnchantedMamma View Post

Plus, there are no old fashioned etiquette to guide us. 

 

Well... honestly, etiquette doesn't rule something like that. Maybe it *should*, but in practical terms the only things that 'rules' it is what is possible. And since Facebook gives everyone a voice, they can put what they want. The only way to completely avoid it is to not make the information available at all.

 

I hope that in time there will be some better guidelines for us  I think it's in our nature to develop social contracts.  In my small circle of the world/Facebook world people seem to already be developing certain mores regarding Facebook.  Google "Facebook Etiquette" for some amusing articles.  

 

 

 

 

 


mommyoftwo0811's Avatar mommyoftwo0811 10:17 AM 03-20-2011

We didn't call ANYONE until after DS was born. lol

Then made it clear that I wanted to be the one to announce it.


mrsberman's Avatar mrsberman 06:32 PM 03-20-2011


Quote:
Originally Posted by lil_stinkyfeet View Post

DDC Crashing..

 

With my last baby I deactivated my account for that reason. I didn't want people posting congrats on my wall before I was able to announce it.



I think it's rude to post congrats before it's announced. My SIL just announced she's expecting again and I refuse to say anything until I see her say something about it on facebook. My boss had a scheduled c/s in February. We all knew the date and time the baby was "due" but I refused to post congrats until I saw something from her or her husband.


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