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May 2011 > May DDC PAL Mamas
seafox's Avatar seafox 07:44 PM 10-03-2010
Quote:
Originally Posted by xtara2003x View Post
Oh how right you are. I hate how miscarriages take the innocense and joy out of the first trimester especially. Not to mention...make you over analyze EVERYTHING and anything. It's really not fair.

This time..when I found out I was pregnant..I was happy....yet....I didn't feel like I could run around and jump and scream with excitement...because of the fear.

Maybe when I carry this baby to term...next time I'll feel a little less anxiety? I'm not sure. I hope so.

since my m/c is a to-term pregnancy ago, I am sorry to say for me at least I have the same amount of anxiety I did when pregnant right after the m/c. It feels less 'fresh' I guess, and I am not posting as much in the official PAL forum, etc. I am also a little jaded, I think, and constantly talk in 'ifs' instead of whens. (if the baby arrives in May, we'll have to do X, if this works out we'll plan on Y, etc)

and I still am not telling anyone until way late, like last time. So I guess for me it feels a lot like my last pregnancy, emotionally, anyway. Though I guess this time at least I know I *can* carry to term, whereas before there was the risk I'd continue to keep miscarrying, so I think that does help a bit.


as for me, feeling pretty damn sick this weekend, so that sucks and is awesome at the same time DS has been a mess, was up from 2-4am last night, so that's made it a bit tricky dealing w/ the fatigue. Plus, I guess I get pregnancy insomnia? I had totally forgotten about that from last time but checked some of my symptom logs, and yup, would wake up in the wee hours and have trouble getting back to sleep. But now, DS wakes me up at 12 and 3 am usually, and the second time I am up until 4 or 5, can't go back to sleep! We might try nightweaning soon I think, my nipples are definitely getting a bit sore.

xtara2003x's Avatar xtara2003x 10:22 PM 10-03-2010
Cross posted...

Oh my gosh I am so SO SO SO happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We heard our baby's heartbeat today with the doppler we bought!!!!!!!! It was around 150-160 (hard to tell because we'd get it and then it'd disappear, then we'd get it again, etc).

I can hardly believe I have a REAL LIVE BABY GROWING INSIDE OF ME!!!!!!!!!

After having two miscarriages in a row this year.....this is by far the happiest I have felt about being pregnant again!!!!

I feel like I truly will be holding a baby in my arms come May!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I just had to share since my other post from today wasn't as happy. This just wipes away all the bad!!!

**
And seafox~ I hope that your anxiety level comes down soon. I have a feeling I will feel just as nervous next time too..
seafox's Avatar seafox 11:09 PM 10-03-2010
that's great!!! how far along are you such that you could catch it w/ a doppler? I am contemplating renting one again (I did for my last pregnancy, it was a nice reassurance when needed) I am only about to be 7wks, so I have a while I think before I could hear it. My first appt Ill be 9wks, and I am not sure she'll even try before 12 wks!
kitty waltz's Avatar kitty waltz 11:57 PM 10-03-2010
I'm so happy for you Tara!

Seafox - sorry to hear its still just as difficult after carrying to term.
xtara2003x's Avatar xtara2003x 02:41 PM 11-01-2010
How is everyone doing!?!?

I am doing well! 13 weeks and going strong. Finally feeling better....eating again. I've lost 11 lbs..and now I've started gaining some of that back due to eating 3 meals a day. I LOVE being able to eat again!

My fear of losing my baby has deeply diminished. I've even been able to imagine what my homebirth will look like and think about what things we need to buy. I feel like I am in a really good place right now!

Just wondering how everyone else is doing!!!!
lovebeingamomma's Avatar lovebeingamomma 12:40 PM 11-03-2010
I'm glad your doing well. Me not so much, been depressed, fear blood every time I go to the bathroom. I don't know I just guess I'm bracing for the worse so I can be happy if I get a live baby. Hoping for the best is devastating when it doesn't turn out well.
seafox's Avatar seafox 03:21 PM 11-03-2010
I am trying to wait patiently for the u/s next week. Ill be a bit over 12 weeks. Its the same u/s I found out I had miscarried the first time. I remember when I had the same u/s w/ Z I was a mess, and I fully expect to be this time as well. I am hopeful, since I am feeling pretty sick and tired, and wasn't when I had miscarried, but I know pregnancies can really vary.

in the meantime the mr. and I are in complete limbo, not preparing, not telling anyone, not deciding whether we should do this or that to plan on a new babe, etc.
PAgreenmama's Avatar PAgreenmama 01:31 PM 11-04-2010
Hi everyone! I'm Heather and I lost my twins last new years at 21 weeks. I haven't read through all the posts here but I've read a few and it seems like my feelings are pretty similar to everyone else's here.

My situation is a little different in that it was completely random. My twins were mono/mono which means that they shared an amniotic sac. It's very rare and risky because the cords can so easily tangle. Unfortunately that's what happened to my boys. The chance of me becoming pregnant with twins, let alone that type of twin is pretty much nil. But the innocence of pregnancy is lost nonetheless and I know that I won't feel safe just because I make it into 2nd trimester.

I'm having the same feelings about having an US. I put off my first appointment and it's actually today (I'll be 11 weeks tomorrow). I'm REALLY looking forward to hearing a heartbeat but I'm so nervous that we won't hear it and then they'll want to take a look and I don't even want to thing about having an US today. I plan on doing the 20wk anatomy scan and no more. I had a million US with the twins and although it's wonderful to see them, it didn't help in the end. One US they were completely healthy and then 3 weeks later they were gone.

I was feeling good about this pregnancy. There is really no reason for me to think that anything has gone wrong. My pregnancy with my daughter was completely uneventful and I've never had and early loss. But I'm feeling really nervous now. I think it's because we told my parents last week and then my husband and my mother went a little overboard telling other people. I haven't even heard a heartbeat yet! So I'm scared that I'll have to start telling people bad news after today.

Anyway, I'm happy that this thread has been revived... I didn't even know it was here. And I'm glad that some of you are feeling more positive. I hope the rest of us can get to that point soon!!
xtara2003x's Avatar xtara2003x 10:29 AM 11-10-2010
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovebeingamomma View Post

I'm glad your doing well. Me not so much, been depressed, fear blood every time I go to the bathroom. I don't know I just guess I'm bracing for the worse so I can be happy if I get a live baby. Hoping for the best is devastating when it doesn't turn out well.

I'm so sorry you've been depressed and scared!! greensad.gif  I hope that you are able to overcome your fears soon.  You have heard the heartbeat right? Have you gotten a US? Would that make you feel better?

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by seafox View Post

I am trying to wait patiently for the u/s next week. Ill be a bit over 12 weeks. Its the same u/s I found out I had miscarried the first time. I remember when I had the same u/s w/ Z I was a mess, and I fully expect to be this time as well. I am hopeful, since I am feeling pretty sick and tired, and wasn't when I had miscarried, but I know pregnancies can really vary.

in the meantime the mr. and I are in complete limbo, not preparing, not telling anyone, not deciding whether we should do this or that to plan on a new babe, etc.


I know how those anniversary dates can really freak you out.  My first miscarriage due date was Oct. 23 and it was extremely hard. I cried all day long.  When do you have the US? Let us know how it goes. I hope it goes really well and some of your fears can be relieved!!!

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by PAgreenmama View Post

Hi everyone! I'm Heather and I lost my twins last new years at 21 weeks. I haven't read through all the posts here but I've read a few and it seems like my feelings are pretty similar to everyone else's here.

My situation is a little different in that it was completely random. My twins were mono/mono which means that they shared an amniotic sac. It's very rare and risky because the cords can so easily tangle. Unfortunately that's what happened to my boys. The chance of me becoming pregnant with twins, let alone that type of twin is pretty much nil. But the innocence of pregnancy is lost nonetheless and I know that I won't feel safe just because I make it into 2nd trimester.

I'm having the same feelings about having an US. I put off my first appointment and it's actually today (I'll be 11 weeks tomorrow). I'm REALLY looking forward to hearing a heartbeat but I'm so nervous that we won't hear it and then they'll want to take a look and I don't even want to thing about having an US today. I plan on doing the 20wk anatomy scan and no more. I had a million US with the twins and although it's wonderful to see them, it didn't help in the end. One US they were completely healthy and then 3 weeks later they were gone.

I was feeling good about this pregnancy. There is really no reason for me to think that anything has gone wrong. My pregnancy with my daughter was completely uneventful and I've never had and early loss. But I'm feeling really nervous now. I think it's because we told my parents last week and then my husband and my mother went a little overboard telling other people. I haven't even heard a heartbeat yet! So I'm scared that I'll have to start telling people bad news after today.

Anyway, I'm happy that this thread has been revived... I didn't even know it was here. And I'm glad that some of you are feeling more positive. I hope the rest of us can get to that point soon!!

I just wanted to say Welcome. I am so so sorry for the loss of your boys! How heartbreaking! greensad.gif  I am really glad that we all have a place to come and talk and vent and share our feelings.  Please keep us updated on your appointment! I hope you hear a nice strong heartbeat and that you feel more at peace after hearing it!!!! hug.gif
 


reelgeek's Avatar reelgeek 12:54 PM 11-10-2010

Really glad to have found this thread. I had my first pregnancy last year and miscarried over Christmas. We went in to the ultrasound when I was supposed to be 12 weeks and I measured at 6 weeks with no fetal pole, but because I have PCOS they thought that maybe I just ovulated later than we thought. We decided to go back in the next week and my round pregnancy was looking a little more taco shaped. I was trying to be all gangster tough with the doctor and saying, "It's all good, at least we know I can get pregnant". But she was amazing and told me I didn't have to be okay and that she had a miscarriage too and it really sucks. So I balled for about three weeks, and two weeks later it started.

 

It took almost 5 months for me to get my period again because I sugar binged and I'm not allowed to have sugar when I'm off my meds to have a regular period. I was trying to do this without fertility medication.

 

Then I got pregnant 3 months after starting my period and have been super worried since. The doctor has ultrasound equipment in her office, so I got to have one at 9 weeks to see if everything was going okay. I was super excited when I saw the full on alien-hamster in there flapping his little arms at me. My husband and I have been pretty giddy since, but every time I have a twinge or cramp (which is a lot because I'm very aware of my bits due to all my girl related problems over the years) I get super worried. I'm at 14 weeks tomorrow and have had one more ultrasound since then and heard the heart beat last week. So I'm feeling a little more positive this round.

 

Many positive wishes to all the ladies in this thread, hoping this round works out for you all. smile.gif

 

Erin.


PAgreenmama's Avatar PAgreenmama 02:25 PM 11-10-2010

xtara...  thanks.  my appointment went really well.  i heard a nice strong heartbeat and that is all that matters at this point.  my mw wanted to do an US just to check for twins but i declined because i don't think i'm pregnant with twins this time and even if i am, the chance of them being mono/mono again is pretty much zero.  knowing that i'm pregnant with twins wouldn't change anything anyway.  i think i had 6-7 US in those 20 weeks last year and it didn't save them.  Also, the US used to be fun but after the last one with the twins i don't think i'll enjoy them.  i plan on only doing the 20 week scan on this baby.  anyway, i've been feeling much better since my appointment although i think i'll be a little fearful before every appointment now.  

 

seafox... i hope that you're US goes well today!  

 

erin... welcome and yay for making it to 14 weeks and feeling more positive!  i lost my twins over the holidays last year too... hopefully we'll both have a better holiday this year!


morganlefay's Avatar morganlefay 02:52 PM 11-10-2010

Heard a heartbeat yesterday!!  I don't think I'll ever completely relax, but I sure feel better.  I'm 13 weeks today and my symptoms have subsided quite a bit.


xtara2003x's Avatar xtara2003x 08:53 AM 11-11-2010


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by reelgeek View Post

Really glad to have found this thread. I had my first pregnancy last year and miscarried over Christmas. We went in to the ultrasound when I was supposed to be 12 weeks and I measured at 6 weeks with no fetal pole, but because I have PCOS they thought that maybe I just ovulated later than we thought. We decided to go back in the next week and my round pregnancy was looking a little more taco shaped. I was trying to be all gangster tough with the doctor and saying, "It's all good, at least we know I can get pregnant". But she was amazing and told me I didn't have to be okay and that she had a miscarriage too and it really sucks. So I balled for about three weeks, and two weeks later it started.

 

It took almost 5 months for me to get my period again because I sugar binged and I'm not allowed to have sugar when I'm off my meds to have a regular period. I was trying to do this without fertility medication.

 

Then I got pregnant 3 months after starting my period and have been super worried since. The doctor has ultrasound equipment in her office, so I got to have one at 9 weeks to see if everything was going okay. I was super excited when I saw the full on alien-hamster in there flapping his little arms at me. My husband and I have been pretty giddy since, but every time I have a twinge or cramp (which is a lot because I'm very aware of my bits due to all my girl related problems over the years) I get super worried. I'm at 14 weeks tomorrow and have had one more ultrasound since then and heard the heart beat last week. So I'm feeling a little more positive this round.

 

Many positive wishes to all the ladies in this thread, hoping this round works out for you all. smile.gif

 

Erin.

Positive wishes go out to you as well Erin!!!  Yah for being 14 weeks!!!  Do you feel better and more relieved being past your "scary" point (is what I call it)?

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by PAgreenmama View Post

xtara...  thanks.  my appointment went really well.  i heard a nice strong heartbeat and that is all that matters at this point.  my mw wanted to do an US just to check for twins but i declined because i don't think i'm pregnant with twins this time and even if i am, the chance of them being mono/mono again is pretty much zero.  knowing that i'm pregnant with twins wouldn't change anything anyway.  i think i had 6-7 US in those 20 weeks last year and it didn't save them.  Also, the US used to be fun but after the last one with the twins i don't think i'll enjoy them.  i plan on only doing the 20 week scan on this baby.  anyway, i've been feeling much better since my appointment although i think i'll be a little fearful before every appointment now.  

 

seafox... i hope that you're US goes well today!  

 

erin... welcome and yay for making it to 14 weeks and feeling more positive!  i lost my twins over the holidays last year too... hopefully we'll both have a better holiday this year!


I'm so glad your appointment went so well!! That's awesome news!!!  I hope that you ladies can both have better Holidays this year. I'm sure you will still feel that saddness (I sure did on my due date of my first m/c'd baby), but I also embraced the pain and sadness and felt like it helped me heal.  I hope the same occurs for you both as well!

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by morganlefay View Post

Heard a heartbeat yesterday!!  I don't think I'll ever completely relax, but I sure feel better.  I'm 13 weeks today and my symptoms have subsided quite a bit.


Yah for being 13 weeks!! Second trimester here you come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


lovebeingamomma's Avatar lovebeingamomma 11:07 AM 11-11-2010

Midwife tried to find the heartbeat on the doppler at 12 weeks, no luck greensad.gif  She said she can't always find it, so I haven't lost hope but it sure would have been nice to hear it!


xtara2003x's Avatar xtara2003x 11:42 AM 11-11-2010

Oh that is so hard!!!  Sometimes those tiny little babies hide REALLY REALLY well!!  Do you go back at all sometime soon to try to hear it again or just wait until your next appointment?


reelgeek's Avatar reelgeek 03:20 PM 11-11-2010


Quote:
Originally Posted by PAgreenmama View Post

 

erin... welcome and yay for making it to 14 weeks and feeling more positive!  i lost my twins over the holidays last year too... hopefully we'll both have a better holiday this year!


Agreed, looking forward to a lazy holiday. smile.gif

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by xtara2003x View Post

Positive wishes go out to you as well Erin!!!  Yah for being 14 weeks!!!  Do you feel better and more relieved being past your "scary" point (is what I call it)?

 

 

Yep, absolutely. I've relaxed quite a bit. When I'm able to feel some movement, I bet my brain will finally calm down. wink1.gif


lovebeingamomma's Avatar lovebeingamomma 04:13 PM 11-11-2010

She said I could come back whenever I want but she's a 40 min drive so I'm just going to wait til my next apt.

 

I'm really happy for everyone else who's feeling better!


geekgolightly's Avatar geekgolightly 01:01 PM 11-12-2010

I am only 15w5d but I started knitting a blanket. I am knitting! I gave it all up after my first loss almost three years ago and this time had an amnio (at least two of my losses were related to genetic anomalies, so I wanted to know what I was up against) and the FISH study came back negative and I have a boy! I got so excited thinking that maybe this time there will be a real live baby at the end of this that I picked out some nice soft snuggly blue yarn and began knitting him a blanket.

 

I was also able to change my signature which had a very defiant line from a DH Lawrence poem. It has helped me to keep a stiff upper lip since my last devastating loss and I feel like I can announce now that I am allowing myself to hope for a rainbow baby instead of being tough girl, ready for any sort of disaster.

 

I am excited instead of petrified, which is so so amazing. And I'm knitting again! I've missed it so much.


my-j-angel's Avatar my-j-angel 02:41 PM 11-16-2010


Quote:
Originally Posted by lovebeingamomma View Post

Midwife tried to find the heartbeat on the doppler at 12 weeks, no luck greensad.gif  She said she can't always find it, so I haven't lost hope but it sure would have been nice to hear it!



my ob couldn't find the hb at my 12 weeks either, the little guy is still really small at 12 wks.  I had another appointment at 14 wks and she found the hb w/o any problem.


lovebeingamomma's Avatar lovebeingamomma 08:11 AM 11-17-2010

thank you that's encouraging.  I really hope to feel the baby move before my 16 week apt.  My belly's getting bigger, so I really feel like there IS something growing in there!


my-j-angel's Avatar my-j-angel 02:53 PM 11-23-2010

I have a vent......I was talking to my mom this afternoon and making plans for her to come in to watch my boys when I go into labor and then spend time with us to see the baby and help out around the house, she has been with us for the 2 boys births so this is normal plans for us.    She made a couple of comments that just drive me mad, ie this is your 3rd baby so things will go easier this time.    Well, actually this is our 4th, has she really forgotten our stillborn son that quickly, b/c we sure haven't.......  and do you really honestly think that for a mama that normally has post partum issues having a live baby after having a stillborn baby will  be easy????? Really??????   oh my goodness, I know deep down she doesn't mean harm by her words but it's just hard to not get upset. 


PAgreenmama's Avatar PAgreenmama 07:02 PM 11-23-2010

hugs j-angel 

 

i think it's very easy for some people to forget about these babies when they never felt their movement, they didn't give birth to them and they never held them.  

 

i feel like i'm in a good place when it comes to my boys... i don't cry over them anymore but a day doesn't go by that i don't think about them.  even though i only have my daughter, i feel like i'm a mother of 3.  i even feel like i relate to people who have twins although i never actually had to raise twins.  it's really strange.  

 

i accept that others are going to forget but i would be upset to hear something like that from my mother.  especially so soon after.  a few weeks after our loss, i spoke to a mother who had a stillbirth 14 years ago and she told me she still looks at her children and thinks she should have 4.  and she told me not to expect anyone else to feel that way, not even your husband.  i can see that with DH although he is extremely understanding that i was connected to them in some way that he was not.  

 

i feel like i'm rambling but i guess i'm saying that you won't ever forget your son and i'm really sorry that your mother was so insensitive about it.  


xtara2003x's Avatar xtara2003x 08:52 PM 11-23-2010


Quote:
Originally Posted by PAgreenmama View Post

hugs j-angel 

 

i think it's very easy for some people to forget about these babies when they never felt their movement, they didn't give birth to them and they never held them. 

 

i feel like i'm rambling but i guess i'm saying that you won't ever forget your son and i'm really sorry that your mother was so insensitive about it.  

 

Totally agree.  People can be so incredibly insensitive..and not even realize it.  And we have to remember, as mothers, that we DO have a connection to our babies, however long they were in our womb, different than our husbands, friends, or family.  WE are the ones growing them. We love them instantly.

 

I, too, am so sorry that your mother was so insensitive.  I hope that maybe you can mention it to her sometime so she understands your feelings.  I bet she didn't intend for it to come across like that even though it did and would be really upset and feel bad if she found out you felt that way. I'm sure she'd apologize and tell you she didn't mean it!

 

*hugs*
 


my-j-angel's Avatar my-j-angel 05:05 AM 11-24-2010

Thank you ladies!  I'm just at a loss on what to do, mom is a wonderful person, heart of gold but social etiquitte of a bull.  The type of person who never thinks before she talks just blurts out whatever is on her mind at any given moment.  If I tell her how I feel it would just hurt her feeings, so most of the time I keep quiet.  Most things I can blow off but when it comes to my children, those on Earth and those in Heaven, I'm pretty sensitive. 


my-j-angel's Avatar my-j-angel 05:16 AM 11-24-2010


Quote:

 

 i spoke to a mother who had a stillbirth 14 years ago and she told me she still looks at her children and thinks she should have 4.  and she told me not to expect anyone else to feel that way, not even your husband.  



This statement is so heartbreaking but comforting at the same time.  I hate it when people ask me what number this baby is, I want to say my 4th but I normally lie b/c I don't want to share the details with strangers.  I feel like I'm denying my son and that kills me.


lovebeingamomma's Avatar lovebeingamomma 06:25 AM 11-24-2010

hugs all around...

 

I'm so afraid this baby isn't alive, I can't feel anything.  I'm 14w5d today I keep just lying down keeping my hand on my uterus praying I'll feel something and I don't.  I was feeling kicks earlier than this last time, and I'm still just as thin as last time so why don't I feel anything!  I'm going to be so anxious until my Tuesday apt.........


my-j-angel's Avatar my-j-angel 06:56 AM 11-24-2010

Maybe I'm crazy but I do the same thing lie down and wait for baby to kick and get worried b/c I don't feel anything.  But when I'm riding in the car, sitting at the computer or kitchen table I feel the flutters/bubbles etc.  I'm thinking there is so much room for such a tiny baby at this point that unless I'm sitting up kinda crowding babe a bit I can't feel much.   does that make any sense?

 

I had an appt last week at 16 weeks and the dr reassured me that it's still early to feel a whole lot.  The kicks are coming!!!!!


PAgreenmama's Avatar PAgreenmama 03:41 PM 11-24-2010


Quote:
Originally Posted by my-j-angel View Post



Quote:

 

 i spoke to a mother who had a stillbirth 14 years ago and she told me she still looks at her children and thinks she should have 4.  and she told me not to expect anyone else to feel that way, not even your husband.  



This statement is so heartbreaking but comforting at the same time.  I hate it when people ask me what number this baby is, I want to say my 4th but I normally lie b/c I don't want to share the details with strangers.  I feel like I'm denying my son and that kills me.


agreed.  she told me this when i was still really hurting but over the past several months i've found her words to be true.  

and i understand feeling like your denying your son.  i do the same thing because i've made people really uncomfortable by talking about them.  :(  now i only talk about them with my close friends and family.  

 



Quote:
Originally Posted by lovebeingamomma View Post

hugs all around...

 

I'm so afraid this baby isn't alive, I can't feel anything.  I'm 14w5d today I keep just lying down keeping my hand on my uterus praying I'll feel something and I don't.  I was feeling kicks earlier than this last time, and I'm still just as thin as last time so why don't I feel anything!  I'm going to be so anxious until my Tuesday apt.........


ugh, that's such a terrible feeling!  but really you still are early.  with dd i didn't feel her until 19 weeks but she was my first.  with the twins i thought for sure i'd feel them sooner since it was a second pregnancy and twins!  but it was 18 or 19 weeks before i felt the bubbles and flutters.  i did have a partially anterior placenta though.  that could be what is going on with you too!  and i agree with j-angel, i usually feel the earliest movements when i'm sitting upright like when driving.  at 13w 5d, i *think* i'm feeling occasional movements but never when lying flat.  


lovebeingamomma's Avatar lovebeingamomma 07:16 AM 11-30-2010

Good news is I finally started feeling kicks!  So I know it's alive.  But I wanted to ask is anyone else having "the baby's dead" dreams?  I've had two.  One I was 17 weeks and one I was 42w1d and both were me knowing that the baby would be born still.  I hate these dreams I've never had these in any pregnancies.  I know they're just dreams, but still, they suck!


my-j-angel's Avatar my-j-angel 11:59 AM 11-30-2010


Quote:
Originally Posted by lovebeingamomma View Post

Good news is I finally started feeling kicks!  So I know it's alive.  But I wanted to ask is anyone else having "the baby's dead" dreams?  I've had two.  One I was 17 weeks and one I was 42w1d and both were me knowing that the baby would be born still.  I hate these dreams I've never had these in any pregnancies.  I know they're just dreams, but still, they suck!



Awesome!   love love love the kicks!!!   I haven't had the dead baby dreams and I'm sorry your are, those must be horrible!  Honestly, I don't know much about dream interpretation but I'm guessing your mind is playing out your fears.   I hope the dreams don't continue for you.


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