Is my friend totally out of line, or am I? - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 20 Old 11-03-2010, 08:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
Shyentist's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Washington DC
Posts: 39
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hello ladies, I'm having an unexpected issue here...

I am 14 weeks, and I have a friend at work who's 18 weeks. I ALSO have a boss who's 28 weeks. It's a baby-having time, I guess!

Unfortunately, my friend is currently really pissed at me. Here's the situation, and I'm looking for your perspectives:

She found out when I was 6 weeks. We had both been trying for a while, and I didn't ever ask her about her progress, but she is the type who was constantly asking "did you get your period yet?", etc. Well, long story short, she asked after I'd gotten a +, so I told her, on condition of not telling anyone else at work yet (I wanted to wait until 2nd tri). She then burst out that SHE was also pregnant, and was 4 weeks further along. It was a pretty happy day.

Well, fast forward to her at 13 weeks and me at 9. I asked if she was telling our boss/coworkers soon, and she said no...she is not coming back after and I think is she's worried/guilty about this and is hesitating to tell. I told her I was planning to tell at 13 weeks (2nd tri), but she was all concerned about the fact that our relatively small dept would have 3 people out (boss, her and me) and that was making her nervous, I think, about the possibility of telling last. We chatted a bit and then she said "let's not try to coordinate, let's just tell when we're ready since we have different comfort levels."

Well, I told 1 day after 13 weeks. She, of course (at 17 weeks) still hadn't told. Now she is PISSED OFF at me.

Now, I think this is unfair -- first, we specifically chatted about it and decided not to try to coordinate. But that's not even the most important thing, I think.

I think the real issue is that if she hadn't told me (unsolicited and unasked for, no matter how pleasant it was to know!), I STILL would have told at 13 weeks, before her anyway. Hell, I could have been like some people I know and told at 6 weeks! She is obviously dragging her feet, and I don't think it's my responsibility to wait until she's comfortable telling and "wait my turn."

Do you guys think I'm out of line here for telling when I planned to regardless of the fact she's further along (didn't "wait my turn"), or is she out of line for thinking I would have to wait for her so she wasn't last to tell?

Thanks ladies, I await your insight!
Shyentist is offline  
#2 of 20 Old 11-03-2010, 08:08 PM
 
WifeofAnt's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,794
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
DDCC - I totally don't think you're out of line. She's had plenty of time! You need to do what you need to do. I'm sure if she waits much longer 'telling' is going to totally go out the window (if it hasn't already).

This Mommy and Military Daddy are loving their son.
DS born Dec 2010 Pregnant with #2, having another !
WifeofAnt is online now  
#3 of 20 Old 11-03-2010, 09:54 PM
 
lil_stinkyfeet's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: In the Cold and Snow
Posts: 1,757
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think it is her problem, not yours! I don't think you have any reason to be sorry.

HUGS

Busy Mom raising 5 kiddos, 7, 6, 5, 2  and a brand new bundle!! (5/15/11)  cd.gifribbonpb.gifnovaxnoIRC.gif

lil_stinkyfeet is offline  
#4 of 20 Old 11-03-2010, 10:12 PM
 
clutterbug's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,046
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
She expressly said you would both go at your own pace and not worry about it. How can she be mad? She is probably actually mad at herself for not telling first. Not your problem, IMHO.
clutterbug is offline  
#5 of 20 Old 11-03-2010, 11:54 PM
 
littleteapot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Mystery Island
Posts: 3,326
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
IMHO it's totally out of line for someone to try and control how YOU tell people about YOUR pregnancy. You did nothing wrong, and probably bent a little too far for her... now she's pissy you didn't bend over completely.

photosmile2.gifBabs + trekkie.gifCurtis - Parents of Tempest blahblah.gif(08/07/03 autismribbon.gif), Jericho angel2.gif(11/01/05 ribboncesarean.gif), Xan moon.gif(10/03/06 uc.jpghbac.gif), Zephyra baby.gif(06/02/11 hbac.gif). mdcblog5.gif @ babyslime.livejournal.com

littleteapot is offline  
#6 of 20 Old 11-04-2010, 08:05 AM
 
kawa kamuri's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 2,867
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
she sounds kinda nutty

Boys: 12/94, 1/99, 11/03, 6/11. Girls: 11/06, 10/09, 12/12 2ndtri.gif

 
       

kawa kamuri is offline  
#7 of 20 Old 11-04-2010, 09:57 AM
 
Evergreen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Where all the women are strong
Posts: 5,400
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Yeah, it's not like you told the office she is pregnant. You told them that you are. It's your decision to make not hers at all and she really can't be mad about it.

Evergreen- Loving my girls Dylan dust.gifage8, Ava energy.gifage 4 and baby Georgia baby.gif (6/3/11).

Evergreen is offline  
#8 of 20 Old 11-04-2010, 10:32 AM
 
jennifercp8's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Mass
Posts: 733
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think she has no business being mad at you. It's not *her* pregnancy, she has no right to tell other people how to announce theirs. If she has decided to keep hers a secret, that is her problem.

Jen, SAHM to Jamie and Alexandra and with #3 in May
jennifercp8 is offline  
#9 of 20 Old 11-04-2010, 10:48 AM
 
KarenMT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: MA
Posts: 863
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm sorry, your friend has not right to be upset with you or to impose her opinion on when you should share your news with co-workers. Everyone has their own comfort level on when they want to share their news and it seems like she is dealing with some other emotions related to returning to work. Rejoice in your good news!
KarenMT is offline  
#10 of 20 Old 11-04-2010, 11:13 AM
 
samstress's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: so-cal
Posts: 2,240
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by bluepetals View Post
She expressly said you would both go at your own pace and not worry about it. How can she be mad? She is probably actually mad at herself for not telling first. Not your problem, IMHO.

mother is a verb
I GOT MY vbac.gif!!!

samstress is offline  
#11 of 20 Old 11-04-2010, 11:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
Shyentist's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Washington DC
Posts: 39
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thank you all so much for making me feel ok for telling when I wanted to.

I never even thought about it, but you guys are right that her behavior can be kind of controlling -- I guess she has probably always been like that and it's likely her emotions are running high since she's getting to the point where she has to tell (and is probably worrying about that).

It's just sad because she was formerly friendly and now I go into work and face this hostility. Even though I know it's not "my fault", I am really upset about her being so upset. Argh, and I really don't need this stupid negativity during my first pregnancy.
Shyentist is offline  
#12 of 20 Old 11-04-2010, 11:26 AM
 
Crystalyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Richardson, TX (Dallas)
Posts: 124
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Really - it's your body, your pregnancy. You owe her respect of privacy about her pregnancy, but you can tell whoever you want, whenever you want about your own pregnancy.

If she's upset, she's jealous or just selfish. Don't worry about it. Continue to be friendly and respectful of her, though. And be positive about yourself and your pregnancy!

Robin's wife, Harper's mommy, lifestyle and birth photographer, aspiring doula 
***4***8***12***16***20***belly.gif***28***32***36***40
Crystalyn is offline  
#13 of 20 Old 11-04-2010, 11:29 AM
 
dayiscoming2006's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,793
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Yeah, your "friend" is being ridiculous. You can feel free to tell her that when you get a chance. You have every right to tell when you feel like. I think she's waiting way too long to tell. What is she so worried about anyway if she doesn't plan to come back. I don't see what the big deal is. Your "friend" is a bit odd.

Happily married Christian SAHM of 2 boys, DD1 uc.jpg, and DD2 July 2013 homebirth.jpg 

 homeschool.gif   novaxnocirc.gif cd.gif   winner.jpg                                       

 

dayiscoming2006 is offline  
#14 of 20 Old 11-04-2010, 03:32 PM
 
HappyMamaBeth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 245
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Uh, yeah, you did NOTHING wrong. You even TOLD her you planned to tell at 13 weeks. She has had plenty of time. Not your problem!! It sounds to me like when she suggested "not coordinating" that she was hoping you would just wait til after she told. Her fault!

Beth
Mama to DD 2.18.03, DS 3.18.06, DD 5.7.11

HappyMamaBeth is offline  
#15 of 20 Old 11-04-2010, 04:08 PM
 
annaconda's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Up North
Posts: 544
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Ditto everyone else, good communication...

Sometimes it's hard to realize when you're dealing with your shit or someone else's... this is clearly issues coming up with her.

If you're really wanting to salvage things you could try some good communication techniques away from work...

When you ________ It makes me feel ________ maybe in the future you could _________.

Maybe this will show her how vulnerable/attacked you feel and you could express this in terms of missing her friendship.

But if you're not really missing the friendship I'd not go digging because even when you are in control and are communicating openly you can never predict what the other person will do.

(((hugs)))

Anna, married to my soulmate and expecting #1 in May 2011.... 3 kitties
annaconda is offline  
#16 of 20 Old 11-04-2010, 04:17 PM
 
beckyand3littlemonsters's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Leeds, England
Posts: 3,277
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
it's her problem hun, you've done nothing wrong x

Becky, sahm to angel.gif25/04/2000 Chloe 12/04/2002 Cameron 19/02/2004 Caitlin 28/06/2005 angel.gif24/07/2006 and Caden 14/03/2008

Xander 19/05/2011
angel.gif 19.05.2012 angel.gif 18.08.2012 angel.gif 24.05.2013 angel.gif 25.6.2013 belly.gif 04.09.2014 uc.jpg

beckyand3littlemonsters is offline  
#17 of 20 Old 11-04-2010, 04:32 PM
 
Adaline'sMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 4,792
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
DDCC

She is almost halfway, how long is she planning to wait. I think you waited long enough and I dont understand why she cares when you told. Its not like you stole her thunder or anything, theres already another woman pg too. Plus, she SAID not to coordinate, how were you supposed to know that she actually meant "dont tell till after I do"?

Holly and David partners.gif

Adaline love.gif (3/20/10), and Charlie brokenheart.gif (1/26/12- 4/10/12) and our identical  rainbow1284.gif  twins Callie and Wendy (01/04/13)

SIDS happens. 

Adaline'sMama is offline  
#18 of 20 Old 11-05-2010, 07:32 PM
 
crazyms's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Way down south
Posts: 1,052
Mentioned: 4 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 45 Post(s)
Its your baby and your pregnancy. Tell when you want to! You did nothing wrong. You didn't tell them that SHE was pregnant!!! Plus everyone is different. Maybe she can hide her pregnancy and not tell until 18 weeks but if you are showing at 14 wks then they'll figure you out. So are you suppose to make sure no one finds out??? Ugh!!! She's insane. A coworker of mine was pregnant last year and told when she found out (about 7/8 wks?). I just told recently when I was about 12/13 wks. Everyone handles it differently.

Michelle mom to DD , DS , & lil DD plus and spending my days
crazyms is online now  
#19 of 20 Old 11-17-2010, 09:59 AM
 
mommytomahmoud's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 704
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

i think you did the right thing


Amanda mom to Mahmoud 7-20-06, Kareem 8-23-08, and Baby #3 due May 19th 2011
mommytomahmoud is offline  
#20 of 20 Old 11-26-2010, 10:41 AM
 
EnchantedMamma's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Southwest US
Posts: 279
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Why would you think that you don't 'own' the fact that you are pregnant?

EnchantedMamma is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off