Advice on a certain visitor after the birth - Mothering Forums

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Old 03-15-2011, 10:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My father has been planning a trip to see us after the babe is born and though we are close we only see each other 1 or 2x a year (we are physically far away).  My dad has great fun with DS during visits and is great with kids.  Although he doesn't cook & clean, he will get groceries, help with our large garden, animals & yard, grill till our heart's content and do other things to help out.  It is great to have him visit to help when we have DS (who will be 21-22mo) and a new babe. 

 

My mama died in a tragic accident 3.5 yrs ago now after a long slow decline due to a rare disease.  My father has been alone and grieving and in the past year has really started to live again, which is great.  He just sprung the news on me that he intends to bring a new girlfriend when he visits this summer (!!!!).  Neither my brother or I had any clue she existed and have figured out that they have only known each other less than 6 months and live 2K miles from each other.  Anyway, his trip plans went from him coming to see us 1-2 weeks alone to "GF and I are going to Yellowstone for a week, then GF and I will stop by your house for a day or two, then GF and I have a wedding to go to in Portland (her family)".

 

I am hurt.  I am uncomfortable.  I wanted my dad here to spend time with us and his grandkids since we don't see him often.  We have no $ or plans to travel this year so he probably wouldn't see us again until next summer when the baby will already be a year old and DS will be 3!  I already have to deal with a whole host of unwanted IL visits and was looking forward to my dad, not playing hostess to his new GF for "a day or two".  Since they are posh east-coasters they may not even stay at our house- i.e. we are a little too "rustic" for them, very rural and near the mountains/wilderness.  That would be very insulting.

 

I was so shocked, I just said "OK".  I want my dad to have a life again and find happiness again and I would like to meet someone that he has become close with.  However I am NOT wanting to do this postpartum and I am really upset that she has taken precedence over his visit with all of us.  Frankly I think it is the worst time to bring by a new GF.  I loved my mom and am still grieving- it hurts all the more while I am pregnant and do not have her.  I will be sleep deprived, emotional and exhausted trying to wrangle DS and the new LO.

 

WWYD?


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Old 03-15-2011, 10:33 AM
 
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Originally Posted by penstamon View Post

My father has been planning a trip to see us after the babe is born and though we are close we only see each other 1 or 2x a year (we are physically far away).  My dad has great fun with DS during visits and is great with kids.  Although he doesn't cook & clean, he will get groceries, help with our large garden, animals & yard, grill till our heart's content and do other things to help out.  It is great to have him visit to help when we have DS (who will be 21-22mo) and a new babe. 

 

My mama died in a tragic accident 3.5 yrs ago now after a long slow decline due to a rare disease.  My father has been alone and grieving and in the past year has really started to live again, which is great.  He just sprung the news on me that he intends to bring a new girlfriend when he visits this summer (!!!!).  Neither my brother or I had any clue she existed and have figured out that they have only known each other less than 6 months and live 2K miles from each other.  Anyway, his trip plans went from him coming to see us 1-2 weeks alone to "GF and I are going to Yellowstone for a week, then GF and I will stop by your house for a day or two, then GF and I have a wedding to go to in Portland (her family)".

 

I am hurt.  I am uncomfortable.  I wanted my dad here to spend time with us and his grandkids since we don't see him often.  We have no $ or plans to travel this year so he probably wouldn't see us again until next summer when the baby will already be a year old and DS will be 3!  I already have to deal with a whole host of unwanted IL visits and was looking forward to my dad, not playing hostess to his new GF for "a day or two".  Since they are posh east-coasters they may not even stay at our house- i.e. we are a little too "rustic" for them, very rural and near the mountains/wilderness.  That would be very insulting.

 

I was so shocked, I just said "OK".  I want my dad to have a life again and find happiness again and I would like to meet someone that he has become close with.  However I am NOT wanting to do this postpartum and I am really upset that she has taken precedence over his visit with all of us.  Frankly I think it is the worst time to bring by a new GF.  I loved my mom and am still grieving- it hurts all the more while I am pregnant and do not have her.  I will be sleep deprived, emotional and exhausted trying to wrangle DS and the new LO.

 

WWYD?

Tell him the bolded, easier said than done I know, but he obviously loves you and really doesn't realize how much this is effecting you/will effect you.
 

 


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Old 03-15-2011, 10:43 AM
 
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hug2.gif

 

That's a lot to have on your mind right now! I'm so sorry things aren't coming together like you'd planned.

 

It's totally outside of any experience I have - including having a father I'd be looking forward to having around pp, mine is fine, he's just not that guy - but I think that I would tell / ask him to go ahead and have his fun trip with his new gf (and try desperately to be sincere and supportive and really mean it) and that we would be looking fwd to his next chance to come visit us, stay with us, hang out with US....  because I just felt like I would be way too emotionally / hormonally overwhelmed to be meeting his new gf at that point in my life. I would tell him I was happy for him, but that for me the timing was kind of rough, since missing my mom and feeling her loss has been really heightened while I was pg and giving birth and really wishing she was there. 

 

Just sort of try to let go in your mind how hurt you are by his actions, (unless he asks directly?) knowing he isn't wanting or trying to hurt you, and focus on how happy you are for him, and how you genuinely need your emotional space after the birth. Maybe that talk will get him rethinking his plans... but I wouldn't count on it. And I would try really hard not to hold that against him, or her, should they turn into a long-term couple. Sometimes things are just bad timing? And maybe he hadn't told you guys because he really wanted to be "sure" that she was worth telling you about before he mentioned her?


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Old 03-15-2011, 12:49 PM
 
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I agree that being up front is the best approach, as hard as that might be.  A spin that you could put on it would be that you want to be in good emotionl shape when you meet his new GF, so that SHE is comfortable and has a good experience...and that you are worried you might not be as able to be that you immediately after baby arrives and your mom's absence is weighing especially heavy on your mind. 

 

*hug* I have no relevant experience, but I can imagine how tough this must be.  I hope you can work it out.

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Old 03-15-2011, 12:56 PM
 
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put me in the "no relevant experience" boat, but it looks like there's been some good points and advice.

 

Something that you may or may not wish to bring up with your father is that your birthing and postpartum process might bring out HIS memories/emotions of your mother as well.  *HUGS*

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Old 03-15-2011, 09:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the replies.  I know I need to talk with him because this has been bothering me.  I don't need anything else keeping me up at night!  I just don't feel its appropriate to have this sort of visit post partum but some part of me wants to play into his happy plan for his trip.  Its just bad timing no matter how I look at it.  Yes, I think it is a good observation that it might bring out feelings from him too (I look like my mom)- my niece was born a month after mom died and she was the spitting image of my mom as a child.  I would hate to have some other woman there when she is technically in my mom's place.


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Old 03-15-2011, 11:20 PM
 
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It's understandable that you would want to see your Dad and be disappointed that it's not under what you feel are ideal circumstances. However, you mentioned that you do want him to be happy and maybe this lady makes him very happy. I wouldn't take them not staying with you as a slight, it's more likely that they don't want to burden you and would be trying to make it more comfortable for you knowing that this woman is going to make you potentially uneasy (especially since they likely want to have sex and maybe don't want to do that at your house? - just a guess because that's why my husband and I always get a hotel rather than stay with family). I would imagine that he thinks this is a good time because you'll be overjoyed with your new baby. Maybe he's not thinking about the stress it might cause you.

 

I'd definitely talk to him about it but I'd be careful not to alienate him as it sounds like you really do want to see him. You don't want to turn it into a 'me or her' situation, because it's more likely that he just thought it would be a nice trip for them to meet you all on the way to whatever wedding they're going to. From his perspective it might be a great way to share his new relationship with the family during a happy event like a birth of his grandchild.

 

Sorry that it's upsetting you. My Dad and Mom divorced and then my Dad died, so I've gone through a slew of new relationship partners being invited to weddings, other family funerals and whatnot. It's never easy, but you just have to remember that their actions are not necessarily about you, even if it's an important event for you.

 

 

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Old 03-16-2011, 12:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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This is some great insight.  Its all so new to me.  Rationally I would want my dad to find someone to make him happy but the child in me just wants things to stay as they are, kwim?

 

Do you think an email is too impersonal?  Dh is against it but I wonder if it is possible for me to share everything on the phone.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by reelgeek View Post

 

It's understandable that you would want to see your Dad and be disappointed that it's not under what you feel are ideal circumstances. However, you mentioned that you do want him to be happy and maybe this lady makes him very happy. I wouldn't take them not staying with you as a slight, it's more likely that they don't want to burden you and would be trying to make it more comfortable for you knowing that this woman is going to make you potentially uneasy (especially since they likely want to have sex and maybe don't want to do that at your house? - just a guess because that's why my husband and I always get a hotel rather than stay with family). I would imagine that he thinks this is a good time because you'll be overjoyed with your new baby. Maybe he's not thinking about the stress it might cause you.

 

I'd definitely talk to him about it but I'd be careful not to alienate him as it sounds like you really do want to see him. You don't want to turn it into a 'me or her' situation, because it's more likely that he just thought it would be a nice trip for them to meet you all on the way to whatever wedding they're going to. From his perspective it might be a great way to share his new relationship with the family during a happy event like a birth of his grandchild.

 

Sorry that it's upsetting you. My Dad and Mom divorced and then my Dad died, so I've gone through a slew of new relationship partners being invited to weddings, other family funerals and whatnot. It's never easy, but you just have to remember that their actions are not necessarily about you, even if it's an important event for you.

 

 



 


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Old 03-16-2011, 10:59 PM
 
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I don't think email is too impersonal, but your Dad might (generation thing). My Mom was upset that I told her the gender of our baby in an email even though I thought it was all cute and I did it up fancy. :)

 

You could always say in the email that you need to get it all out and that it's easier for you to write down, but you're going to call him to follow up on it. Just so he doesn't feel like he has to reply in the email. Good luck, it's never easy to move on from these types of things!

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