What would you say? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 10 Old 03-25-2011, 01:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
Partaria's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Wisconsin, Baby!
Posts: 560
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Don't know if anyone else is going through this, but it seems that in the last coupla months here, lots of people have decided they want to visit us before the baby is born. Lots of out of town guests. I'm very surprised by this- I expected a barrage to meet the new baby, but not a stream of pre-birth visits.

 

While I can totally see how these people want to wish us well, and I can totally see how seem people would enjoy this, I don't. I'm a really private person, and a homebody. I have a social life, but I generally feel the most re-charged when I've had the chance to spend time alone or just with DH. With being so tired in late pregnancy, I mostly want to hang around my little nest at home, and while away our last (ever!) kid-free hours with DH and the dog.

 

Most of the visit requests are coming from family, and they are very much the entertain-us types. And I don't have the energy for it this late in the game.

 

I understand the intention of guests isn't to barge in, they're just excited. But I don't know how to fend off these requests. Right now, we've got someone wanting to come up and stay with us every single weekend between now and the birth, and I'm feeling overwhelmed.

 

What would you say to let these people down gently? Anyone else dealing with a similar barrage of visitors?

 

A friend of mine suggested "I love that you want to come visit, but maybe we could do it after the baby's born?" I think that might be good, but several guests specifically stated they wanted to see us "one last time" before the birth...

 

 

 


"The Mothers are the brave ones." - Call the Midwife

Partaria is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 10 Old 03-25-2011, 02:39 PM
 
MamaChef's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 675
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I would just tell them that you wish you guys coulda gotten together earlier and you really want to focus on your hubby these last few weeks but you would love to see them after the baby is born.  If they say they want to see you one last time.. ask em if they want to see your hemmoroids, the varicose veins, the falling asleep at 7pm, how grumpy you get when you havent eaten in more then 3 hours.. use your imagination and tell them you would so much more enjoy their visit when the inhabitator had been born from your body.  If that doesnt work.  Just say no.

MamaChef is offline  
#3 of 10 Old 03-25-2011, 02:41 PM
 
mama_mich's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Missoula, MT
Posts: 361
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

That's a bummer girl.  I would not have the energy right now to entertain.  Let alone setting up guest sleeping arrangments extra cooking cleaning, towels etc.  I would just be honest!  In a gentle exhausted tone just say "You know it would be great but I am just not up to it right now. But please lets make some plans for after the baby's here."

 

By calling the visit an it you de-personalize it! 

mama_mich is offline  
#4 of 10 Old 03-25-2011, 02:56 PM
 
LacieD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chicago NW suburbs
Posts: 581
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I'd tell them that they can only come to visit if they're coming to help with housework.  :D  

 

 


Lacie, mama to Ethan (5), Logan (2), and Dylan, born 5/12/11!
 
LacieD is offline  
#5 of 10 Old 03-25-2011, 03:27 PM
 
clutterbug's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,026
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

What if you go into labour before your due date, when someone is visiting?  It seems like at some point, you need your space if for no other reason than there is no predicting when baby is going to make an appearance.  Maybe you could work that into your response as well (along with the other great suggestions you've gotten).  I guess some people might see it as exciting to be there when baby arrives, but personally I would feel so in the way in their position (and I have been there - arrived on my BFF's doorstep the very same day of her homebirth, I was moving from qite a distance away and staying there till I found an apartment.  Such bad timing!  I cooked and cleaned but I still couldn't wait to get out of their hair!!).

clutterbug is offline  
#6 of 10 Old 03-25-2011, 05:46 PM
 
camprunner's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,596
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I haven't tolerated visitors for a while now.  I think that dh kept thinking I would changing my mind and so just kept putting people off.  I JUST got Christmas presents the kids have outgrown because no one believed that I wasn't traveling again this pregnancy or that I would allow his parents to come sometime before the baby was born (we did go there for Christmas but these are from a family get together after Christmas).

camprunner is offline  
#7 of 10 Old 03-27-2011, 07:37 AM
 
dayiscoming2006's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,783
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

There's going to be worse battles to fight. This a good place to show that you can put your foot down. Just tell everyone that it's just too close to your due date and you're exhausted and need lots of rest in preparation for your baby coming. 


Happily married Christian SAHM of 2 boys, DD1 uc.jpg, and DD2 July 2013 homebirth.jpg 

 homeschool.gif   novaxnocirc.gif cd.gif   winner.jpg                                       

 

dayiscoming2006 is offline  
#8 of 10 Old 03-27-2011, 11:15 AM
 
gummibears's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 383
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I'd certainly not be prepared for that right now for many of the reasons stated above and then some. We have enough last minute things to do without having to worry about guests. Something similar happened when we were preparing to move and had boxes all over the house. I told them it wasn't a very good time and things were upside down. Yes, it stunk as that was the ONLY chance that person could come see us for the YEAR, but there wasn't any way it could work. There was no room for us as it was let alone clearing room for the sleeper sofa to open up and so on.

 

Sometimes you gotta just stick to your beliefs, and if you believe it's not a good time for any reason just tell them. Hopefully they can understand and plan to come at a better time.

gummibears is offline  
#9 of 10 Old 03-27-2011, 05:12 PM
 
lizzie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: A Whole New World
Posts: 1,288
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by dayiscoming2006 View Post

There's going to be worse battles to fight. This a good place to show that you can put your foot down. Just tell everyone that it's just too close to your due date and you're exhausted and need lots of rest in preparation for your baby coming. 



yeahthat.gif

 

My MIL started talking about coming out here in April! She said she knew we "liked our space" after the baby was born so she thought it would be better to come before. I just told her she was wrong. ;)

 

She's a high maintenance person, does NOT travel well, and I really think the reason she's wanting to come out is much more because she wants to use us as a jumping off point for driving down to FL - she's in SoCal, we're in SC and they're thinking of moving down there - and has very little to do with us. She didn't even meet my son until he was two because it didn't fit into her plans, so it irks me that she would waste what little traveling ability she has to come all this way and then NOT see the baby. I think maybe she wants to do it in Spring vs Summer? I don't know. Either way, we just told her we'd love to see her, but between my dh working as much as he can before the baby is born and my being exhausted, that if she wants to see FL, fly to FL. If she wants to see us, wait til late June or July... because, YES, we like our space with our newborns.

 

You're pregnant. It's ALL ABOUT YOU - and if it's not, it *should* be!! They should've thought of this weeks if not months ago. I'm very much like you, needing to have "our space" and our time with nesting and resting and refocusing our lives in the third tri. You owe them nothing.. just let them know how much you appreciate them wanting to see you and that in 2-3 months, you will really be looking forward to spending some time with them. Don't let them guilt you into giving up this precious time for just you guys!


It's such a relief to finally trust yourself.
lizzie is offline  
#10 of 10 Old 03-29-2011, 09:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
Partaria's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Wisconsin, Baby!
Posts: 560
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Thanks everyone. There are some kind of intense boundary issues in my family and saying no to this request is pretty huge. But what dayiscoming said really resonated-

 

Quote:
There's going to be worse battles to fight.

 

Now is a good time for me to start being more assertive. :)

 

It was helpful to read all the responses before clicking "send" on my email response to my parents. Thank you!


"The Mothers are the brave ones." - Call the Midwife

Partaria is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off