baby girl. - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 05-24-2011, 08:04 PM
 
ryleeee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: royston vasey
Posts: 2,666
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 7 Post(s)

that being said, if you REALLY want to know, i will PM you. i don't know the link to the other thread.


mama to 9 year old h  and 3 year old z

ryleeee is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 05-24-2011, 08:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
PunkElmo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: tri-state
Posts: 153
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

ah, yes, found what was said... awesome (that's sarcasm for those of you who can't tell)

 

sscohen, that 3% figure is what one of the DOCTORS AT THE HOSPITAL told me, thanks.
 

do you even know what childbirth was like in 1899?

 

do you even know ANYthing about why my baby died?

 

I'd tell you what I REALLY think of your post, but that would definitely violate the forum guidelines.

 

Apparently I need to ask the moderators to close down a second thread in a week... this is JUST what I need to be doing, it takes my mind off of funeral arrangements (sarcasm again).

Quote:
Originally Posted by sscohen View Post

Statistically 3% of babies just don't make it?  Really?  U.S. perinatal mortality is 6.9/1000, or about .7%.  Of course, if you insist on having a baby like it's 1899 things can and will turn out differently for you.  Awesome that you were able to have your dead baby vaginally, I guess you win.



 

PunkElmo is offline  
Old 05-24-2011, 08:28 PM
 
quinbearzmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 617
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Thinking of you, mama- I am *so* very sorry for your loss...(and that you have to deal with such insensitivities.) Sending love and healing vibes your way- you've been in our hearts and thoughts every day.


J - Birth doula and *very* grateful mama to bouncy Q, fancy F, and mighty F!

quinbearzmama is offline  
Old 05-24-2011, 08:31 PM
 
NYC_CNM's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 20
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I have no words. I am so sorry for your loss, and I am SO sorry you have to deal with posts like that.  My heart is with you right now. Concentrate on the love and support you have with you in your life right now. *hug*


"We have a secret in our culture - it's not the birth is painful, it's that women are strong." --Laura Stavoe Harm
NYC_CNM is offline  
Old 05-24-2011, 09:28 PM
 
L&K'smommie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: AK
Posts: 725
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by NYC_CNM View Post

I have no words. I am so sorry for your loss, and I am SO sorry you have to deal with posts like that. My heart is with you right now. Concentrate on the love and support you have with you in your life right now. *hug*


Agreed! Big hugs mama!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

S, mama to L(DD)-12/04, K(DS1)-12/06, C(DS2)-03/09 & B(DS3)-05/11

L&K'smommie is offline  
Old 05-24-2011, 09:50 PM
tzs
 
tzs's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,617
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

i didn't post when i first read your thread b/c i guess i was just at a loss for words. but i've been thinking about you and you family ever since.....i guess there still are no words....

 

what you have had to deal with both here (yeah, i saw the other thread) and apparently elsewhere makes me, yes...even my jaded self....genuinely sick. i can only hope you are getting the support you deserve outside of these instances.

 

 


Reluctant 'Sconie, chassid and mama to sweet toughie Ada Bluma 9/9/09 and loving pittie-mix ("Judge the deed, not the breed!")
tzs is offline  
Old 05-24-2011, 11:16 PM
 
littleteapot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Mystery Island
Posts: 3,200
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

PunkElmo : I am a head volunteer in my area for an organization called "Now I lay me Down to Sleep", and I deal directly with babies who have passed away and have been doing so for years now. I got into it after my son died, shortly after birth. My son was born alive, and passed late that evening due to abnormalities.  That 3% statistic is true, and that woman's incredulous response quoting neonatal mortality rates shows massive ignorance for how statistics work. She needs to take a class. We also hear the 3% stat quite frequently.

For instance, the "statistic" for an extremely rare and deadly interlocking-chin presentation of twins is 1% but I know of no care providers - none - that have ever encountered it in their entire practice. Or ever even heard of it. So where does that 1% come from? Statistics don't always work the way a laymen thinks they do.

 

Yes, stillbirth happens, REGARDLESS of how you birth! Or where you birth! In fact most of the babies I work with were spontaneous, totally surprising stillbirths. I'd easily say over 90%, with the remaining 10% taken up by early terminations and/or preemies. Actually, on second thought, I'd say it's more like 97% spontaneous stillbirths (this is in my direct experience, and not reflective of all volunteers). In my 3.5 years of working as the exclusive volunteer in a large capital city, I have dealt with ONE stillbirth where they knew the cause. ONE! And it was unpreventable... it was a defect in the cord and there was nothing that could have been done to prevent it, or even *see* it prenatally. The rest happened during, or preceding labour and no one had any answers. And yes, they were all in the hospital.

Thankfully, most of these mothers - like you - were able to deliver vaginally so they weren't subjected to even more pain during their recovery. Vaginal birth of a stillbirth is standard, to ensure the lowest risk of trauma and/or injury to mother. Hospitals aren't miracles, and a baby that is going to be stillborn is going to be stillborn no matter where they are. It may sound harsh, but it's true... no matter how you were birthing, this was the horrible outcome. There is nothing you could have done to change this, and in fact I'd argue that you did what was best given the situation. What the hell do these people think is happening here??

 

After my son died I also experienced some internet trolling. Things like, "She deserved it" or, "She could have saved him" because I'd chosen to have an unassisted pregnancy and though I felt something was wrong I did not go through with the ultrasound I scheduled: I didn't want to spend my whole pregnancy grieving while he was still alive. I was supported in this decision by health care workers, including the pediatrician who read me the autopsy report: the only thing I could have "done" was abort, and because that wasn't our personal choice (don't worry, no pro life/choice discussion!) there is nothing that could have been done. My son's defect was extremely rare, unpreventable, and is in place by day 17 of development... before we even got a positive pregnancy test. I reiterate: it happens. It's horrible. It's devastating, life-altering, world-shattering... but it happens. And as much as we want to place blame and wish that everything could have turned out fine... the vast, vast, vast majority of the time it's just not like that.

So that person? Can shut her effing mouth.

 

PS. My son's case was also discussed online because his defect is extremely rare (300 cases in recorded history). Do you know what the proper protocol is for discussing it? To CHANGE all the identifying details! For instance, when I found my case study it was about a "baby girl", and the mother's location was obscured, my age was changed, etc... but I recognized enough of the details to know it was me. After all, when there's only 300 cases in the last several hundred years... it isn't hard to find yourself. And I didn't mind, because I knew they'd done their best to keep it anonymous while also discussing the extremely rare diagnosis. The first time I heard about this practice was with a psychotherapist in a small town, who was writing a paper on a local event that had been traumatizing that involved a good friend of mine (whom he was counseling), and part of the protocol was to obscure details. For instance, my friend became a 15 year old male in the report, instead of a 16 year old female.

Regardless of whether or not those people think they have permission, they're speculating with case details you haven't fully posted. And you have the right to file complaints. You're right, you don't need that BS, especially when it's not even remotely true.


photosmile2.gifBabs + trekkie.gifCurtis - Parents of Tempest blahblah.gif(08/07/03 autismribbon.gif), Jericho angel2.gif(11/01/05 ribboncesarean.gif), Xan moon.gif(10/03/06 uc.jpghbac.gif), Zephyra baby.gif(06/02/11 hbac.gif). mdcblog5.gif @ babyslime.livejournal.com

littleteapot is offline  
Old 05-24-2011, 11:37 PM
L J
 
L J's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,161
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Oh mama, I am so very sorry for your loss. I doubt there is anything harder than losing a child. Please be gentle with yourself in the coming weeks and months, and seek comfort and support from those who offer it. I would love to hear your daughter's name, if you would like to share it. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Please join us in the Pregnancy and Birth Loss section; there is a lot of love and support to be found there. Much, much love your way.

Laura, mama to Henry 01.28.07 uc.jpg
candle.gif missing Jack, born still in the car 08.23.10 at 36 weeks 
Loving on Catherine, my  rainbow1284.gif 09.01.11, UC

L J is offline  
Old 05-25-2011, 12:27 AM
 
atnightingale's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 127
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Oh my, I just saw all of this.  I am so sorry for your loss and all the other griefs you have been experiencing.  You will be in my prayers.


Wife to DH, mom to DD1 energy.gif 9/06 and our new arrival DD2 femalesling.GIF 6/11

 
              

atnightingale is offline  
Old 05-25-2011, 01:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
PunkElmo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: tri-state
Posts: 153
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Thanks for all the kind responses. 

I have removed my original post since someone posted a direct link to this thread from the Physician-only website that (apparently) felt the need to e-mail their entire membership about me, including incorrect details about my situation.

 

Thanks to connections to individuals in the medical field, I was able to read the entire thread on the other website.

The assumptions made by those MDs are astonishing, incorrect, and based on incomplete and just plain inaccurate information.

 

I don't appreciate being called a liar, murderer, idiot, example of Darwin at work, etc. because I tried to tell my story to supportive women and, as part of that story, tried to make the best of an utterly $#!tty situation by pointing out any positive that existed.

Anyone who actually thinks I would be so resistant to a c-section that I would value a vaginal delivery over a living infant needs their head examined.

 

Again, DP and I really, truly appreciate all the warm thoughts and words.

PunkElmo is offline  
Old 05-25-2011, 02:06 AM
 
littleteapot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Mystery Island
Posts: 3,200
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Punkelmo- I'm sorry it came to this. What the hell are they doing on a place like MDC anyway? Trolling for bad stories to make themselves feel better? Wow, their practices and patient relationships must be pretty damn poor for them to feel like they need to do that. Do they honestly think they're going to find more here than on any other highly populated forum?... (betting the answer to that is NO). What a dick move on their part. Let's just all be glad for a moment that we are not their patients!! (let alone their family... how awful would it be to be married to one of those a$$h0l3s?).

 

Love and light, PunkElmo. No matter what anyone can say or think, YOU know in your heart what the truth is... and all of us who have been there before know it with you. When I was feeling cynical about my son's death I would say that this is a horrible club to be a part of, but if anything else we're protective of each other.  Hugs for you and your family.


photosmile2.gifBabs + trekkie.gifCurtis - Parents of Tempest blahblah.gif(08/07/03 autismribbon.gif), Jericho angel2.gif(11/01/05 ribboncesarean.gif), Xan moon.gif(10/03/06 uc.jpghbac.gif), Zephyra baby.gif(06/02/11 hbac.gif). mdcblog5.gif @ babyslime.livejournal.com

littleteapot is offline  
Old 05-25-2011, 03:32 PM
 
cocoanib's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Long Beach, Ca
Posts: 2,087
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

More (((HUGS))) to you PE.

I'm utterly surprised that people would take this situation and turn it into this.

Much healing to you and your family.


Lovin my sweet babygirl 3-17-10love.gif and expecting another in March! love.gif

cocoanib is offline  
Old 05-25-2011, 04:34 PM
 
delicate_sunshine's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Deep South
Posts: 371
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I'm so so sorry about your loss.  Hugs to you and your family during this very difficult time.

delicate_sunshine is offline  
Old 05-30-2011, 01:06 PM
 
lil_stinkyfeet's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: In the Cold and Snow
Posts: 1,747
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I am so very sorry for you loss and for all the hurtful things that were said you you :( Your family is in my prayers.


Busy Mom raising 5 kiddos, 7, 6, 5, 2  and a brand new bundle!! (5/15/11)  cd.gifribbonpb.gifnovaxnoIRC.gif

lil_stinkyfeet is offline  
Old 05-31-2011, 01:42 PM
 
Thandiwe's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Where the wild things are...
Posts: 2,006
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

This is probably the sickest and most disturbing thing I've read in a long time.  Shame on anyone for doing this to you.  There is a higher order to things, though, and justice will be served one way or another - whether you believe in Karma, God, or some other higher power.  Rest assured, what goes around comes around.  People cannot exude such nastiness and thrive personally; it's incompatible. 

 

Much love and comfort sent your way.  I am so sorry you've suffered such an invasion of privacy following an absolutely horrendous loss.  Still remembering you in our prayers.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by PunkElmo View Post

Thanks for all the kind responses. 

I have removed my original post since someone posted a direct link to this thread from the Physician-only website that (apparently) felt the need to e-mail their entire membership about me, including incorrect details about my situation.

 

Thanks to connections to individuals in the medical field, I was able to read the entire thread on the other website.

The assumptions made by those MDs are astonishing, incorrect, and based on incomplete and just plain inaccurate information.

 

I don't appreciate being called a liar, murderer, idiot, example of Darwin at work, etc. because I tried to tell my story to supportive women and, as part of that story, tried to make the best of an utterly $#!tty situation by pointing out any positive that existed.

Anyone who actually thinks I would be so resistant to a c-section that I would value a vaginal delivery over a living infant needs their head examined.

 

Again, DP and I really, truly appreciate all the warm thoughts and words.



 


 

joy.gif Wife to  geek.gif,  mama to  reading.gif,   guitar.gif, fly-by-nursing1.gif, and thumbsuck.gif - bonus mommy to  loveeyes.gif!  homebirth.jpghomeschool.gifnovaxnocirc.gif

Thandiwe is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off